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--Friday, June 29, 2007--

Jenna Jameson marries iPhone at Mac-Erotica Expo

...children to be released on Blu-Ray.

Previously: Gram Ponante launches iLick

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posted by Gram the Man at Friday, June 29, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Thursday, June 28, 2007--

Porn Week's Czechs for Cash

The idea of paying to stay in close proximity to porn ladies, eat dinner with them, watch them cavort, and get very close to them while they engage in sex acts on film is the raison d'etre of Porn Week, the brainchild of Scots director Gary Gazzman.

The closest many people get to the performers they crave is often a convention like Erotica L.A. or the AVN show in Las Vegas and, when you think about it, fans have a much more visceral reaction to Sunny Lane and Ava Vincent than they do to Nicole Kidman and Tom Hanks, who would never give them long hugs or even be in a place where they could be on view for hours at a time. In high heels. And smelling like melon body spray.

So the money hardcore fans pay for a ticket to these shows is chickenfeed compared to how much they shell out for DVDs and VOD and magazines.

But what of the fan who wants to take it a little further?

When I was in Las Vegas this year I attended a Porn Week party hosted by Gazzman and Ric Williams, of the late Black Widow Talent Agency. A number of well-heeled and polite gentlemen, mostly from the United Kingdom, were gathered in a house in a gated community just outside the city limits. Drink flowed and a bevy of naked 18-,19-, and 20-year-olds ran up and down the carpeted stairway, then fucked on a pool table.

Had this been a party at my old fraternity, Zeta Zeta Tau (the ZZ Top fraternity), these ladies would have been lucky to reach the pool table. But the assembled blokes (in Britain they're called blokes) were gentlemanly. Probably because they'd all paid to be there and they didn't want to blow it. (Or they did, but they didn't.)

Gazzman and Co. have announced plans for a Porn Week in the Czech Republic next month which will feature British bird (in Britain they're called birds) Poppy Morgan.

The festivities will take place in Jana Cova's own Brno.

This event will be slightly different in that certain attendees can participate in the action.

“I want to come to the Czech Porn Week event and discover the next big thing in the jizz biz," Gazzman said. "Whether that's a hot new director, a super sexy babe, or an up and coming stud. I'm throwing down the gauntlet for them to step up to the plate."*

"We could get the next Rocco showing up," Morgan added. "A newbie porn stud and I could get to fuck him in his first scene."

Porn Week vacations cost $2150 for single blokes and do not include hotel or airfare. I'll just say that when I was at the Porn Week event in Las Vegas the club soda never ran out.

*Kiara Marie is very much alive in this picture. Very much.

Previously: 2007 AVN wrap-up: "A fine spray of legitimacy"
See also: Porn Week

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posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, June 28, 2007 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Ryder Skye's the (11") limit

Ryder Skye has now done two boy/girl scenes, having started her porn career as a Girls Only performer on Easter.

It used to be that the trajectory of a female porn performer followed a few patterns, 1.) Enter as dirty as possible and balance the risk of being overexposed (literally) and "shot out" with the appeal and fast cash that being a teenager who will do anything provides; 2.) Arrive as a Girls Only performer (or as a package deal with your boyfriend) and slowly progress through several stages, including Boy/Girl with someone else (cue soul-searching, leaving the business temporarily, breakup with boyfriend, return to the adult business), Bukkake, Gang Bang, Anal (and why is Anal always the final frontier? I'd say a JM Productions' "American Bukkake" with a bunch of Metro conductors and guys who sell oranges by the freeway who were paid $50 really is the limit); or 3.) Just show up with no plan and see what happens.

Skye's first Boy/Girl scene was in a movie called Manaconda.

"They didn't tell me over the phone the guy was 11" long," she said.

"Well, with a title like Manaconda..."

"Yeah."

"You look OK now," I said (though Skye wuld have to try hard to look bad if she fell out of a moving car).

"The next scene was a little easier," she said. "It was for a movie called Bus Stop Whores."

This surprised me, because if, in general, guys with little dicks drive Hummers, it would stand to reason that Skye might encounter another wielder of 11" using public transportation. This very morning I took the bus, for example.

Only when one's parts are freakishly huge in porn should the movie's title reference them, and even when that huge part belongs to a guy, it might alienate sections of the porn-buying public if the title is man-part-centric.

But Manaconda is a clever title.

Manfred Mann's Earth Band is not.

Skye went from virginal (for porn) to Manaconda in about two months (depending on when Easter is). That is about par for the course. I would be displeased if you called her Easy.

Previously: Energy drink-drinking nudes
See also: Ryder Skye, Exotic Star Models

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posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, June 28, 2007 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Sixth time is a charm for Donny Long

I got a message this morning from a person who sent me a MySpace blog post that he said was written by the performer Donny Long.

Long often recruits new female talent to the adult industry, rechristens them with his last name, and shops them around to producers.

The blog post dealt with some of the pitfalls of that approach but ends with a success story. The Weinstein Company should option it for its positive arc.

Because I am currently at the Vatican, however, my immediate thought was "Cui Bono?" - it concerned me that someone else was sending this message around. I contacted Long, who said that the blog post was indeed his.

The person who sent it to me identified himself as a male performer who has worked with several women who have also worked with Long.

"This just proves that Donny is just in this all for himself," he wrote. "What do you expect when you bring such young talent on board?"

Many people in the adult industry believe that the minimum age for porn talent should be raised three years to 21. They feel that, while some 18-year-olds are very mature and while many 37-year-olds still have a lot to learn, that teenagers in general should get some sexual experience under their belts before they start getting paid for it.

"It all depends on the person, and if you (are) a good judge of character you should know who is mature and dependable no matter what age they are," the anonymous source wrote.

Long's full post is below, unedited. What do you think?
agents and their pimp hands

I tell you what I have no clue how agents do the things they do and put up with the things they put up with from these back stabbing flaky whores and make any money. I take my hat off to any agent that tries to manger girls and make money doing it!!!!!!! I have not been doing it for the money but would be nice to recover sometimes what you invest like aim testing time and so on. I think my problem is I am too much of a nice guy and put up with too much shit from these girls. I never wanted to open a agency and still never plan on doing so. I have been getting a lot of girls into the biz and out of like 11 in a little over a month ever single one of them have fucked me over and not came through or did what they said they would do. I am a very busy guy and between being talent shooting 2 scenes a day sometimes and trying to help these bitchs and its just a nightmare. I have been doing this for a lot of reasons first its kind of nice you got to admit to have a bunch of horny girls around sometimes and the whole thing of having a bunch of girls take the long name but the down falls of it are just not worth it. My house has been a mad house of girls fighting over everything especially the bathroom. sometimes 3 girls at a time.I think one person told me a very smart thing tonight and to think about. Most of my girls have been 18 and 19 years old. They said remember when you were that age you didn’t give a fuck about anything true? well that’s what I forget is 18 is a age that a girl just could care less about anything anyone has done for them and has no morals. Sort of like my xgirlfriend that fucked me over after I helped her have everything she wanted for over a year.

I have put money out of pocket, drove these cunts around on go sees and helped them in every way possible every free min. I have and the only thing I get out of them is ungratefulness. Most of these girls come into the biz because there life is all fucked up as it is and they need help. A lot of them are on drugs and trying to keep them off it just does not work long term either. Problem is when you try to help them they are so use to people trying to screw them over they just don’t realize what you are doing for them. One of the big things is a lot of them walk into the biz wanting to do everything anal dp and have no idea what they are in for and when you try to explain it to them and limit them to come into the biz slowly, they don’t listen. These bitchs think they know everything and don’t want to listen to anyone that tells them they are wrong and that we know better and we have been in the biz longer. This goes for everything agents tells the girls from not giving there numbers out to not trusting anyone lol. I have noticed one thing about the industry, agents and all the girls. Comes down to one thing the agent with the biggest pimp hand wins. That means who has the most power over a girl and can scare a girl the most with money contracts losing work and so on. Its simple look at the biggest to the smallest agents and compare who has the flakiest girls. Why are they the biggest and look at how long girls stay with the bigger agents. Why is that because the biggest agents have the most power.

Example 1 Candy Long 20 years old A girl I brought in and put money out for to get tested and let stay at my house and so on. I signed her up with goldstar and they got her working and one morning I get a call from Joel and he is telling me she is flaking on a shoot and this was not her first shoot! We are both pissed and call her telling her if she does not so up to set we will send her movies to her real job witch she works for the government lol. She claimed to be sick throwing up in riverside without a ride to the shoot in Malibu. After the threats to tell her job she showed up to the shoot. I get a call later from a friend of mine thats male talent jenner asking if I knew where candy was. Guess what she was not in riverside she was at his house because he was nice enough to let her stay there becuase she had nowhere to go. He woke up and her and his new truck were gone! Bottom line seems like ever time someone try’s to be captain save a hoe we get fucked.

Example 2 Vicky Tones 18 years old I brought into the biz also and still owes me 400 dollars for testing and what not she needed. She was a hard headed one that also had to learn everything the hard way. I took her to a red carpet event and told her how important it was not to get drunk or make a fool out of yourself or me because all the media was there and I had brought her there. Well guess what she made a fool out of herself not worth going into details. Second time take her onto primetime with some of the other long girls and guess what someone there gets her high before she goes on the show and sits there on the couch with me and 2 of the long girls and veronica and when people ask her questions she goes uhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh stoned out of her mind while Jene Ross is sitting there writing about it for his site. So after that I should have told her to fuck off but no I hook her up with number1models because Joel wont take her and what does she do? 2 and a half hours late for the first shoot and 1 and a half on the second. "FIRED" and still leaving me messages to help her!

Example 3 Lexi Long 20 years old A girl that her boyfriend came to me and wanted to bring her in doing only g/g. Long story short spent a lot of time and got fucked on that too. 5 days before the shoot wont even return calls. Like I said no morals or marbles for that matter.

Example 4 Roxy Long 20 years old another vicky tones that was a lier and had to learn everything the hard way and still owes me 400 dollars. This girl never got to shoot because she had some loser that was married that she was in love with effecting her job that she lied to me about also.

example 5 Angelina Long my favorite 18 years old also fucked me over really bad. This is the most resent and the worst one. She was a fan that fell in love with me and fucked me and Joel over really bad with her lies and all her bullshit and then I was dumb enough to believe her lies and give her a second shot and put her with lighthouse and 3 days later gone! Her responce is I she does not give a fuck about anyone or anythjing anyone has done for her. She just wants to go back to her druggy life in Oregon.

NOW FOR THE POSITIVE GIRL Hottie Hollie 22 years old porn star from Canada that has been trying to get usa ids and come and work for a while. She came down to stay with me and I got everything taken care of for her and I put her strait with ladirect. She should be back in a couple weeks when her ids get here. we will see but looks good.

Bottom line is I think I have learned to let the agents do there job and take the fall for these crazy bitchs. My days of helping them and putting my neck on the line is done the way I have been is over. I will still bring a lot of girls into the biz here coming up but things are going to change. Either I will bring them right to a agent and not bother trying to help them get a couple bookings first with the easier companies to work for or plan b is I am going to contract them for a period of 2 weeks then send them to a agent.
Previously: No easy way out for Body Magic; Glenn Beck: What's Wrong with America; The Princess Has Come of Age; The Whipping Hour; Porn rumors and how to handle them
See also: Donny Long on MySpace

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posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, June 28, 2007 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Gram Ponante launches iLick

LOS ANGELES -- Hot on the heels of Digital Playground and Playboy announcing that the companies had somehow found a way to transfer pornography to Apple's iPhone (due in stores tomorrow), Gram Ponante said that he will be using the United States Postal Service's self-adhesive stamp technology on his personal and business correspondence.

"Licking stamps is for garlic eaters and reprobates," Ponante scoffed. "I am partnering with the USPS to create a world in which all a user has to do is peel a stamp from some kind of coated backing and then to affix it, saliva-free, on any kind of paper-based enveloping device in order to, like, mail it."

Ponante held Playboy's and Digital Playground's press releases in his hand. "Check these out," he said. "I am mailing these to my Ukrainian mail-order bride because my XBiz mousepad just broke."
Steve Jobs has delivered the hardware and now Hugh Hefner has delivered the software. With the eagerly-anticipated Apple iPhone finally in retail stores, Playboy.com is celebrating the glorious gadget with the launch of “iPlayboy,” a collection of multimedia features guaranteed to turn up the heat on that cool, new phone.
"I think it's great that Hef spent all that time programming and delivering software," Ponante, now guzzling limoncello at a Ventura Blvd. restaurant for fat people, said. "And you would be amazed at how far up Cupertino's ass Digital Playground has got."
Digital Playground is pleased to announce an early alliance to Apple's iPhone with 158 full-length trailers available free of charge, for immediate download.
"This alliance will be every bit as significant and effective as the Rebel Alliance in Star Wars," Ponante sagely predicted, nibbling Porcini mushrooms off the concave abdomen of a starlet hanging around outside the shuttered offices of World Modeling.

America's Beloved Porn Journalist reflected that announcing one could put porn on an iPhone was like sending out a press release saying that you had moved your air freshener from one car to another.

"A Playboy air freshener," Ponante added, flash-frying a whole turkey at a tony Sylmar Superfund site.
Vivid Entertainment sales manager Howard Levine confirmed today that the long-awaited Blu-ray edition of Paul Thomas' Debbie Does Dallas...Again has arrived in house following a series of delays. The disc ships to stores next week. (AVN)
Ponante has been touting iLick technology since last year, and even mounted huge banners proclaiming it at January's AVN show, but he only recently sent away for the self-adhesive stamps. Since he pays all his bills online and rarely sends letters, he is thinking of using the new stamps next week to send a postcard to his mother, Lita Ford.

Previously: Playboy releases Asians clutching at underwear line; Report: porn industry to utilize Internet; Caprica Six gets a ten; Scenes from the classs struggle in Playboy's Penthouse; Who-ray came first?; Digital Playground's cavalcade of synonyms
See also: Playboy, Digital Playground, Vivid, Apple, United States Postal Service

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posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, June 28, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Wednesday, June 27, 2007--

Lorelei Lee on breaking the fourth wall

As you know, I am a trained thespian. That is why I was shocked to see Lorelei Lee break character in a recent scene between herself, Adrianna Nicole, and Tommy Pistol.

Lee plays the victim of a two-timing boyfriend and her role calls for her to bust in on Pistol and Nicole at the designated time.

"You cad!" she says.

"Did you call me a cow?" Pistol asked.

At this point, and with the world watching, Lee smiled, half-looked at the camera, and continued her scene.

I asked the 2006 Also-Ranny winner how an audience was supposed to go along with her on that journey, once she had betrayed its trust.

"When Tommy Pistol stood up and asked if I'd called him a cow," she explained, "it was so unexpected, I just genuinely cracked up. I thought they were going to cut, but they just kept rolling."

That's right. Blame the director. It's like what Michael Caine did in Jaws 4: The Revenge.

Regardless of this outrage, I liked the movie, Naughty Flipside, a lot. It was often very silly.

"I like to watch people acting silly too," Lee said. "I think laughing during sex is just as good as crying during sex."

GP: Crying? Like "You don't love me anympore" crying?

LL: Okay, I know there are people who don't like either of those things, but if you think about it, sex is all about release anyway, right?

GP: Well, for me it's about creating a robot army.

LL: I mean, maybe not for everyone - I know there are plenty of people (some tops, some women) who have sex without orgasm as the primary goal - there's something to be said for having that kind of sex too, occasionally.

GP: Can the thing that can be said about it be "Oye Como Va"?

LL: I'm gonna stick with my statement anyway - for me, sex is all about release, and laughing (or sometimes crying) can be incredibly satisfying and make for better orgasms. As long as I'm laughing with the person I'm fucking rather than at them - laughing at doesn't so much work
for me.

Read the review of Naughty Flipside here.

Previously: I am the world's greatest porn director
See also: Naughty Flipside, Lorelei Lee on MySpace

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posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, June 27, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

New copy of XBiz World contains mousepad

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Adult industry trade journal XBizWorld this month included a mousepad with its 130-page magazine, confusing a number of subscribers.

"I don't know what kind of message they're trying to send," said Porfirio B. of GoateeCash, the pornography business' most popular affiliate program.

"Am I supposed to read the magazine or scan it into my computer and then read it on my computer?"

The adult industry is contending with a steep drop in DVD sales, and ad rates for its print publications are falling. XBiz employees say that including the mousepad was a means of recognizing that people who read often use their computers, too.

"We really need to get to all aspects of the marketplace," publisher Tom Hymes said, but not in relation to this story.

But some people feel that a mousepad in the age of optical mice, smartphones, and Nintendo's Wii are an anchor in the past, or worse, a piece of swag cluttering up the office that it didn't cost the company any extra to ship.

"Will I get an 8-track player in the next issue? How about a 3/4" floppy drive? I'm surprised I didn't get a PS/2 mouse in there. What are they, cheap?" groused Loup Perch-Tounge, spokesman for the Canoga Park Gaping Commission, an industry think tank.

"No, we're just - What? Jesus. We just thought it would be a good idea to include a frigging mousepad," a source within XBiz claimed. "(The mousepad) was free. Why don't you start a {expletive deleted} thread on (adult industry chatboard] GFY about it?"

XBizWorld often depicts adult industry personalities in full-page ads reading the magazine, as if to say "Adult industry personalities can read". This month's XBizWorld features America's Beloved Porn Journalist, Gram Ponante, striking a thoughtful pose with the new mousepad.

"Whenever I'm not saying whatever I want with impunity or getting in street brawls," Ponante said, "I usually have other people type for me. Still, (the mousepad is) a nice shade of blue, and if you light it on fire, it sort of smells like the City of Industry."

Previously: XBiz relaunch: Something about Statue of Liberty, Van Halen; Rotten, "Too Close for Comfort" star rift worsens; XFanz to stage erotica festival, perhaps erotically
See also: XBiz

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posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, June 27, 2007 | 1 Comments Links to this post

--Tuesday, June 26, 2007--

Products for your down under from down under

I recently returned from Australia, the land my forebears colonized, where I visited Byron Bay's Black Label Adult Shop, a luxury sex toy retailer positioning itself as not only that hemisphere's largest purveyor of high class adult goods but also as a global luxury brand.

I spoke with co-founder Bliss, who told me the website just went online after six months of toy acquisitions and the photography and product descriptions that accompanied them.

Prior to making part of my mortgage from writing about marital aids, I subscribed to what is known as the Lebowski Doctrine:

The Dude: Well, I still jerk off manually.
Jackie Treehorn: Of course you do.

...but as I've aged (I'm now 22), I realize that sex toys can be fun, stylish, and - most of all - practical. Let's say you wanted to restrain your partner. Would you use household items like tire chains and sandpaper? Not after your incarceration, you wouldn't. Instead, you'd use something like this.

Or, Ladies, what if your shame and materialism combined to thwart the midday masturbation recommended by your HMO? Well, you could secret one of these in your Prada bag and onlookers would just think you'd been by the seaside collecting stones, when in reality you are some kind of sybarite.

Fellas, are you a two-toweler like your friend Gram? Why not own a device that looks like a fancy towel rack from one of those upscale gated communities?

I'd never been to Australia, so I was interested in the role of wombats in Parliament and if dingoes did actually roam the land eating babies.

"Did dingoes eat your baby?" I asked Bliss.

"No," she said.

"Are they scheduled to?"

I also asked the name of that reptile crawling perilously close to me.

"It's a Water Dragon," she said.

"Not a wallabee?"

"No."

Despite its seaside resort location, Black Label ships immediately to most parts of the world within one week. I asked if there were locales that were trouble.

"I spent four years working with (Byron Bay's) Sax Leather and we found that a few countries consistently defrauded us with bad cards or issued chargebacks even though we know the items arrived," she said. "So to save the hassle and our limited funds we have decided not to deal with them."

According to Black Label's website, countries including Indonesia, Bulgaria, Romania, other Eastern Europe countries, Equatorial Africa, Russia, Former Soviet Republics, and some South American countries are considered high risk and Black Label will not accept orders from these locations.

It is a shame the company has had bad checks from Bulgaria, when Bulgarians, according to recent U.N. data, are in the most need of sex toys.

That said, Black Label stocks products that are to sex toys what Kobe Beef is to Burger King. One of their most expensive gadgets is JimmyJane's Little Gold Vibrator (allegedly endorsed by Kate Moss), which retails for nearly US$300. I would have to bag 10-15 koalas to get that loot, plus I don't have a vagina. If I did, I understand it would be worth it.

The company does not make its own products. Instead it imports its stock from companies like America's JimmyJane and Sweden's LELO to validate its claim of "the most beautiful sex toys on the planet".

"We get most of our orders from America," Bliss said. "(Though) Australia is a seriously decadent country."

I was not aware of this. None of the Star Wars footage shot in Australia seemed decadent, and all those Midnight Oil videos had a shameful lack of booty shaking, still, people were walking around naked on the way to the bar down the road.

"Hippies," I said.

I asked how U.S. consumers might benefit from products shipped from Australia.

"I'm not aware of any sex toy shop in the U.S. that has a nude beach five minutes away," Bliss said. "That environment is reflected in our product choices."

"Five minutes by kangaroo," I noted. "But how far by foot?"

"Six minutes," she said.

"If I were to order a sex toy from you," I said, "I wouldn't want its delivery to be delayed by some Australian holiday like Michael Hutchence Day or Air Supply Eve."

"When we get an order we dispatch it immediately by express so it arrives in good time regardless of the customer's location," she explained wearily. "And if there is any threat of a delay, public holiday, low stock etc., our suppliers in the U.S. and Europe send the item directly."

"Any plan for Yahoo Serious-branded products?" I asked.

"Hell no."

"Good on ya."

Previously: Counting floggers on the wall: Mr. S Leather; Icon to explain dildoes; Dildopolis revisited: rugging
See also: Black Label, Sexpo Australia, Natalie Imbruglia

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posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, June 26, 2007 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Penthouse gets Bree-sic

I have superimposed some text from the press release hyping Penthouse Digital's Smut Peddler on the official photo, so far. I hope you like the delivery in the face.

Previously: Lori Lust agency explodes, survivor writes press release; Publicist: Honolulu secedes in honor of Thorn homecoming; Adult industry to sic itself on bad grammar
See also: Penthouse

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posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, June 26, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Adrianna Nicole, Lorelei Lee, and Dana DeArmond in Naughty Flipside

This is neither a movie about asses nor about Filipinas, but instead a superbly-cast throwback to the type of movie Jim Holliday would make without the exclusionary dialogue. Here Brett Brando directs Nicole and Lee to lay a trap for a two-timing boyfriend, played by Tommy Pistol, and below Dana DeArmond chats with real-life boyfriend, Daniel.

It's rare to see people smiling in porn movies, so this project validates the huge amount of money I make off this industry every year.


Stay tuned for a review tomorrow.



Previously: Something is about to happen to Lorelei Lee; Even professionals benefit from dildo etiquette; Lorelei Lee and Adrianna Nicle - just because; Gusano Negro ...
See also: Naughty America

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posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, June 26, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Monday, June 25, 2007--

Doctored photo of the day

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posted by Gram the Man at Monday, June 25, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

New Porn Daily: Renae Cruz hedges her bets

In Slutinas #4, director Juan Cuba confirms the party location with Renae Cruz.

"Is the fiesta in that ass?" he asks.

"Si," she says, and then adds, "and in my mouth."

Because today's porn consumer demands authenticity, it's important that in a title named Slutinas that the performers not only speak Spanish but also wear sombreros.



Previously: Patrick, Thorn seek to be freakin' with Ricans; Loca Latina Sluts 2
See also: Platinum X Pictures

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posted by Gram the Man at Monday, June 25, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Michelle Aston's mixed messages

We expect our porn stars to be straightforward and to not play games with us. This is the mandate with which they were created by the United Nations in 1948.

Observe, then, Michelle Aston, who says she wants to blow you and says she has a vagina but in fact would rip your nuts off on her nailed collar if ever she were to fellate you. In addition, she mislabels her moneygrotto as if to scare off speculators.

I whipped out my six-pound DSM-IV and diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder on the spot.

"Fucking on film is a goddamn sacred trust," I said.

Previously: Pabst Blue Ribbon night with the steveporn kids; Michelle Aston will eat your girlfriend like fried chicken
See also: Michelle Aston

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posted by Gram the Man at Monday, June 25, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Sunday, June 24, 2007--

Erotica L.A. 2007 in review

For the first time in the convention's history, scalpers were selling Erotica L.A. tickets.

"How much?" I asked a scalper, who didn't identify himself as Scalpy McScalpington, at the corner of Flower and Pico, one block from the L.A. Convention Center.

"$50," he answered, and I declined. I asked him how much my press pass would go for, but he said those were easy to fake.

It turns out he should know, because the LAPD busted him less than an hour later for scalping forged tickets.

The three-day convention was a success, with more mainstream media coverage than ever before, as well as a significant increase in pro-sumer documentation, as about 15 percent of the attendees seemed loaded for bear with gadgetry designed for personal digital inventories of the proceedings.

But each year the booth candy of Erotica L.A. look less like porn stars and more like bartenders (except Michelle Aston). This is a great compliment to the excellent crop of bartenders in Los Angeles but a sad state of affairs for a convention barred from showing too much skin or simulating sex acts. I couldn't even get around that by actually having sex with someone, because that was prohibited, too.

"We can't even fuck in the bathroom," said Aiden Starr.

"We've never tried," I suggested.

As a consumer show, there are always exhibitors at Erotica L.A. that seem tacked on. Business card scanners, a booth selling videos of gang fights, and a row of plastic, water-filled foot massagers just didn't seem erotic to me.

But what is erotic, really? A warm puppy? No. That's happiness.

Erotic is Holly Randall in a red polka dot dress smelling neither of booze nor Australia, but only of the musk she exudes as a result of her powerful attraction to me. I asked her to get behind the wheel of the AVN Racing Formula One car, co-sponsored by Wicked, Red Light District, Burning Angel, ClubJenna, and Python Pictures.

"Is Formula One Racing erotic?" I asked passersby.

"No," said Marianna Del Amo of Irwindale, CA. "Belladonna is erotic."

"Am I erotic?" I asked.

"No."

I asked AVN's Farley Cahen how much it would cost to affix a Gram Ponante Prix sticker to the car.

"Ha ha ha!" he kept saying. I'm fucking serious. I can drive better than Joanna Angel.

Pulpo, my favorite Latino porn company, was a new exhibitor.

"Latinos are about ten years behind Americans in porn," said Mako, producer of Black Worm.

I found this inscrutable.

"What, in dumbassedness?" I asked.

"We don't do the gagging and the punching and things like that," she said. "We like to tell a story."

I took about 100 pictures in my inimitable style. If I didn't get a picture of someone at her booth, I got her at the FAME Awards red carpet or on a cigarette break. Most of the more recognizable performers had microentourages to shield them between autograph signing duties, but porn conventions don't really allow for privacy beyond a curtained-off area in the larger booths, and even those do not have restroom facilities.

Regan Anthony, who is about the size of my Little League trophy, walked right into my waist.

"When I'm at these things, I look straight ahead and walk really fast," she said.
"Otherwise everyone is asking to take your picture."

"Can I take your picture?" I asked, frightened of this thing that I've become.

The most crowded booth, when Jenna Jameson was there, was ClubJenna's. Otherwise it was Wicked's booth, followed closely by Tera Patrick's. Evil Angel's booth was the most treacherous. They had rented space at the last minute (I was told) and they were stuck near the back, so the crowds that came to see Belladonna had little room to negotiate. This is where people got surliest, because it was like Calcutta. At least the Jenna line had room to stretch out.

As America's Beloved Porn JournalistTM I am sensitive to the needs of fans and the performers they crave. I wanted to see Little Casey ParkerTM at the WantedList booth but she and her huge hair were attracting huge lines. She called to me as if from a great distance as I walked by, and I immediately got dirty looks from the dudes waiting in line.

"Sorry, dudes," I said solemnly.

Because I spent my early years as a Thai aerialist, I looked forward to seeing Cirque du Soleil's vignette from "Zumanity". I've seen a few of their shows around the country, and am looking forward to seeing "The Beatles' Love", their permamnent production at the Treasure Island in Las Vegas, but "Zumanity" as staged at Erotica L.A. was underwhelming.

The place isn't really set up for open air performances, and though the production, on paper, seemd suited for the crowd, it wasn't really given a chance. The striptease vignette was ten minutes long. The same was true of John Stagliano's "Fashionistas", which also has a home in Las Vegas. In theory, using Erotica L.A. audiences as a feeder pool for boobalicious Vegas tickets is a good idea, but the presentation opportunities weren't ideal.

But it was a lively crowd. I hate the word "mainstream", not because it isn't accurate, but because people depend on it too much. I really think that, like cross-country motorists need to eat where the truckers eat, porn consumers should look to bartender trends in Los Angeles to see how far porn has penetrated the real world.

To that end, a lot of Erotica L.A.'s paying customers looked pornier than the people they were coming to meet. And that was sweet. It's like when I go to The Hall of Presidents in Disneyland dressed like Abraham Lincoln. Imitation is the sincerest form of whatever.

The second annual FAME Awards seemed fun. I was backstage. I heard no gunshots or fisticuffs from up front, and no one showed up to my backstage lair weeping or bloody, so I assumed everything went fine. And unlike recent award shows, the performers who were nominated showed up to receive their awards.

Last year's Temptation Awards and this year's Adultcon Awards suffered from a lack of interest from the stars both events sought to profit from. FAME succeeds because it has the support of AVN.

While Vivid and Digital Playground were not represented with booths on the convention floor, they sent emissaries to the FAME Awards (one each, in the persons of Savannah Samson and Jesse Jane). Hustler was absent.

As has been the case for the past few years, Naughty America had the best booth, with discrete rooms that reflected the styles of different performers (Gia Paloma and Lorelei Lee used the punk rock room, for example).

This is a business about women, and the men who survive in it need to be cordial and have a good sense of humor. Jack Lawrence, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, and Randy Spears roamed the convention floor and women loved them. It's important, too, that these guys be gracious, else boyfriends and male hangers-on would flip out.

Aside from Michelle Aston, Jack Lawrence had the dirtiest interactions with fans. He was shirtless and sporting a dildo. Women came up to him and immediately bent to suck on the dildo and get their pictures taken by giggling friends. He had to gently inform them that simulated sex was verboten.

I didn't attend any of the big parties. I wanted to go to the Vivid-steve affair but I was too tired. I heard it was fun and a welcome change from the Sex Z-sponsored megaparty, which was, I heard from several attendees, a sausagefest with few porn stars and, worse, a techno version of "Sweet Home Alabama".

Other Erotica L.A. ancillary events included The Babes and Aces poker tournament to benefit breast cancer research and a seminar on the Adult Sites Advocating Child Protection (ASACP) drive to self-label adult sites with a Restricted to Adults (RTA) tag.

Sasha Grey had the best outfit.

Reading ovver last year's Erotica L.A. recap, it's interesting to see how many companies and individuals are no more, adult industry-wise. Tristan Ryan? Black Widow Productions? Entice.tv? R.I.P. At least Teagan Presley, hunkered down in pregnancy with her second child, had Jesse Jane pick up her Best Ass award.

It is hard to think about Erotica L.A. without considering January's AVN show. All convention centers look alike on the inside (though L.A.'s looks prettier than the Sands) and the booths companies use are stored, trucked, and reassembled depending on where the convention is located.

A visitor plunked down in the middle of either convention would be unable to tell one from the other in terms of the type of fans or the type of porn stars; only when he considered the scale, the stakes, and the surroundings would he be able to tell if he were in Vegas or L.A.
Erotica L.A. is certainly smaller than the January Vegas show, but as a harbinger of consumer contentment with the adult industry this show was a success. As I look through the pictures, though, I am amazed at the lack of skin.

If next month's Mastery in Transformational Training convention has more boobies, I'll be pissed.

See a full gallery here.

Previously: Erotica L.A. in review (2006)
See also: Erotica L.A., L.A. Convention Center

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posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, June 24, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

--Friday, June 22, 2007--

An awkward conversation with Heather Vandeven about her rubberized vagina

Last night at the Babes & Aces poker tournament in Inglewood-by-the-Sea, I talked with Penthouse/Ninnworx moonlighter Heather Vandeven about the Topco replica of her ladypartsTM.

"You mean my pussy and ass?" she asked sweetly.

"Yes," I said.

"They actually covered my pussy and ass with goop," she said, "and made a model of them. Then they did it to my face, my lips, everything."

"Really?"

"Yes. Have you tried them out?"

"Er."

I felt like she was asking me if I'd read her diary.

"I got your P & A and Juli Ashton's P & A on the same day," I said.

"Did you put them on your wall as a kind of collage?" she asked.

"That's a great idea, but No," I said. "But I did take them out and held one in each hand."

The Heather Vandeven P & A and the Juli Ashton P & A aren't the same. I was sure they would be. Vandeven's is/are smaller.

I thought of the expression "to take a flying fuck at" something. That is how I would imagine having a go at these disembodied pieces of Heather Vandeven. It didn't seem right, but then again most people don't get to have an amiable conversation with the delightful Vandeven in Inglewood, where I once saw Neil Diamond.

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Heather Vandeven's Vibrating Cyberskin Pet Pussy And Ass (fleshbot); A Vuur by any other name; Heather Vuur is a good sport
See also: Topco Sales, Hotel Heather

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posted by Gram the Man at Friday, June 22, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Riley Shy deserves medal, towel

Todd Todd is a photographer who pretty much knows everybody in the adult business. When I was new to AVN in 2003, he took me around the convention floor and introduced me to every performer in the building, including these ladies.

Photographers need to keep the action moving so their subjects don't get bored or self-conscious, so it is interesting listening to the diminutive and white Todd Todd chatting amiably with O.G. Mudbone, possessor of a 14" cock and a mouth full of silver (which I guess the former can almost reach); Todd Todd's patter becomes blacker by the minute as Mudbone cruises a Valley neighborhood looking for Riley Shy in Pariah Pictures' Freaks of Cock 2.

None of the tiny white women exposed to these Gram-hammers-gone-dark is herself a freak, so I guess the title must refer to the cocks themselves, only slightly smaller than mine, which is the size of a bus you'd drive senior citizens to the casino in.

But where I usually get tired of Chatty Cathy gonzo directors, it is fun listening to the interaction between T2 and his male talent. Upon walking into Shy's yard, Mudbone looks at a tree and says, "That tree looks like it has asses all over it."

After this, things go from pleasant to surreal. Not only is Riley Shy astounded by the size of this guy, America itself is astounded at the amount of the nut Mudbone busts on her face. I hope that didn't sound crude; there is really no other way to describe it. It would require an extra seat on an airplane.

Prior to it happening, Shy says with porn-standard bravado: "Oh yeah? You gonna mess up my pretty face?" and then, during the 30 seconds of unloading, she says, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

It is at times like this that I think I've watched something real. Riley Shy really made her money that day.



Previously: Porn of the Moment: "Cuckold" (fleshbot)
See also: FuckYouCash

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posted by Gram the Man at Friday, June 22, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Zumanity, orgasm contest, burlesque shows to highlight Erotica L.A.

A three-dancer mini-troupe from Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity will perform a portion of their Las Vegas show tomorrow at Erotica L.A.

"Zumanity is the 'sensual side of Cirque du Soleil'," said the Montreal-based company's spokesman, John McCoy. "It goes hand in hand with the sexy feel of Erotica L.A."

McCoy, who has never been to Erotica L.A. and to whom I give credit for not knowing how funny that statement was, said that Cirque du Soleil rarely stages travel-sized versions of its shows, but does make exceptions for events like the Jay Leno show or award show appearances.

The company has several shows running permanently in Las Vegas, including Ka and the Beatles' Love, and one in Orlando, as well as full-scale traveling shows that set up on the outskirts of major cities.

The trio of Zumanity dancers includes Jonel Earl, who was featured in Playboy in a pictorial with the cast.

The rigorous dancing, pliancy, and athleticism required of Cirque du Soleil performers has led to charges that the company only casts orphans. This is not true.

The Zumanity striptease snippet will take place tomorrow at 4 p.m. on the "Sensual Stage" (I am collecting royalties from event organizers for naming an edifice after this time in my life), followed by an "orgasm contest".

Click here to print out a full schedule.

See also: Zumanity, Erotica L.A.

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posted by Gram the Man at Friday, June 22, 2007 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Erotica L.A. cancelled

Erotica L.A. 2007 was cancelled this morning, several hours before the three-day consumer porn convention was scheduled to begin. Organizers said the move ensured visitors' expectations could remain pure and no one would be disappointed.

I stood in a room overlooking the convention floor as workers who had just finished setting up booths began taking them down.

AVN President Paul Fishbein, always like a dad to me, took me aside.

"Grams, do you know who Schrödinger's Cat is?" he didn't ask.

"No," I replied, sitting at his feet. "I'm Australian."

"Trying to prove a point of quantum mechanics to Albert Einstein," Fishbein said, "Erwin Schrödinger posited - and I'm paraphrasing so you'll understand - that if you were presented a box and told that there was a cat in it - "

" - a very nice cat - " AVN publisher Darren Roberts didn't interrupt.

" - your expectations of the cat in the box had unlimited potential as long as you never opened the box."

The three of us sat and pondered this. Tera Patrick walked into the room, and then walked out.

"So you're saying that I would never have a chance to be disappointed if Erotica L.A. never happened, that it would remain the sum total of all the promise represented by the press releases?" I asked.

"Yes," Fishbein said benevolently, helping Steve Orenstein disassemble the Wicked booth with a hand drill, in the way of their forefathers.

"Now Erotica L.A. 2007 can be whatever you want it to be," he said gently, "because we never opened that box."

"Is that why you fired me from AVN, so I would never learn that disappointment?" I asked.

"Oh Hell yeah," he said.

***

None of the above happened. Erotica L.A. opens today at 4 p.m. for ticketholders. There will be a press conference an ASACP press conference at 3:30 detailing a proposed ratings system for adult websites at 3:30.

Previously: Erotica L.A. (2006) in review
See also: Erotica L.A.

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posted by Gram the Man at Friday, June 22, 2007 | 4 Comments Links to this post

--Thursday, June 21, 2007--

Male performers protest L.A. Direct Models' discrimination

Talent agency L.A. Direct Models, which recently instituted a "Girl of the Month" award, is under attack by some members of its male talent roster for "creating an environment in which women are alone singled out for praise."

L.A. Direct has recognized Alexis Love and Harmony in recent months, granting them their own "Girl of the Month" interview pages.

"All (the women) have to do is lie there; we do all the work," said one disgruntled porn stud. "You ever try to fake a pop shot, dude? Can't be done."

"He's right, Bro," agreed his good buddy, exchanging high fives with him over a woman they'd just DP'd, one high heel hanging off, checking her MySpace on a Sidekick and paying no attention. "We're lucky if she looks us in the eye. That's why I wear sunglasses all the time; I can't stand the rejection."

L.A. Direct Models currently lists 25 male performers and almost 120 females.

Male performers tend to make, at most, 60 percent of what their female scene partners earn. Furthermore, one actor said, "We've got to drive ourselves to the set, we've got to take care of our own Viagra, and the directors bitch at us if we're not hard all 16 hours they might or might not use us on a set."

He paused at a table full of enemas, douches, and Diet Pepsi.

"You think we even get a little gift basket of body spray? Fuck No. I had to buy my own breath mints before I came here today."

L.A. Direct Models owner Derek Hay was outraged at the charge.

"The L.A. Direct Lion does not stand for discrimination," he didn't say. "The L.A. Direct Lion rears on its hind legs and spits at discrimination {unintelligible} That's a camel? {unintelligible}. Well, the L.A. Direct Lion doesn't like it either."

He said he is considering opening the Girl of the Month category to men.

"But they'll have to buy their own fucking trophies," he said.

Previously: Bing the Merciless; Dial H for Herpes
See also: L.A. Direct Models

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posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, June 21, 2007 | 2 Comments Links to this post