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Wednesday, February 28, 2007
The People for Casey Parker
 Casey Parker will be on the cover of May's Hustler, with photos by Holly Randall. If you were to subtract Casey Parker's age from mine, you would get the age at which I first discovered a Hustler magazine in the woods behind my junior high school in Bogue Chitto. That is right: I was six months old. Previously: XBiz Forum & Awards: Us v. Them; KSEX Awards: Meaty; Casey Parker and California's pioneers See also: Shane's World, Hustler Labels: hustler, Shane's World, WGL ¶ Wednesday, February 28, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post 
The Whipping Hour
 I attended Tightfit Studio's party last night at the Dragonfly on Santa Monica Blvd., lured by the evening's advertised program of seeing people getting whipped and savaged by other people for a change (because my arms were tired).Alas, I saw none of that happening, but I did have enlightening conversations with several of the pornerati that flit hither and thither like melon body spray-scented butterflies. Ava Rose was there with director DCypher. She seems to be growing into herself. She was wearing a scarf and looked decidedly unpornish. I love pornish filthiness on people like Gia Paloma, whom one would never confuse with someone who isn't a porn star, but Ava Rose is someone who, if you met her at a party, you might wish were a porn star, and resent her date because of it. I asked her what she did for fun in Sutton, Alaska, where she and her sister, Mia, grew up. "I clubbed seals," she said. "Let me take you away from all this," I said, smitten. So I did, and we went to a private booth where she played with my Zippo. I forgot to ask her why she and her sister chose porn names that were also the names of women linked with Frank Sinatra. When I first met DCypher I was interviewing for a production manager job with Andre Madness. DCypher was an angry young man at that point. Good nutrition and condo ownership have softened him. Now he is a Buddhist. "Are you really a Buddhist?" I asked. "Every time I tell you that, you laugh," he said. I needed to be sure DCypher was not a Buddhist in the same way Lurk Ford is a Jew. It would crush my spirit. As in all major religions, he needed to be tested. "'Bodhisattva,'" I said. "'A' Won't you take me by the hand?'" he replied. "'Bodhisattva,'" I repeated. "'A' Won't you take me by the hand?'" he replied. "'Can you show me - '" I began. "'The shine of your Japan, the sparkle of your china - '" he interrupted. I slapped him repeatedly. "Do not interrupt the moment of awakening," I snapped. "Sorry." "'Can you show me?'" "'Boddhisattva, Bodhisattva," he said, achieving satori.  Satisfied, I moved on. I saw Gianna Lynn. Her movie, Cuntrol, was the inspiration for this party. We were in the chilly back room. She was wearing a sensible corset/bustier combo and some breezy slacks.I wondered when the whipping would begin, and who would get whipped. A woman handed me an auto-erotic asphyxiation video. "Are you in this?" I asked. "No," she said, looking a little shocked that I asked. "I'm not either," I said. Everyone I like likes Oren Cohen, the owner of Tightfit. He is a third generation pornographer and he only uses women who are over 21 in his movies (unless they are Assraelis, but then they've at least served a year or two in the military).  I asked if he were worried that So Low, the auto-erotic asphyxiation movie, mightn't raise the hackles of porn watchdogs. "Do you think people will worry that you are promoting unsafe practices?" I asked. "Maybe I'm being naive," he said (you know that when someone begins with that, he is about to call someone else an idiot), "but should I be held responsible for someone else's idiocy?" he asked (zing!). "I mean, everyone who is in this movie is over 21, they all do this at home, they're good at it, they agreed to it, they wanted to do it," he said. "At what point should people take ownership of this (meaning not trying to auto-erotically asphyxiate themselves after watching a movie)? "It's why you don't see see-saws in playgrounds anymore...people are ready to litigate over things they should take responsibility for." Now I like Oren Cohen, too. I just hope he gives the Palestinians equal time with West Bank Skanks or OrGaza or Palestina-Vagina. The only way the fighting will stop is if everyone is feeling sexy.  I looked around once again for whipping. I left at exactly midnight after staying for two hours. I quaffed two Jagermeisters at $8 each, leaving a 20 percent tip, because I'm a Buddhist. The whipping started immediately thereafter, I'm told, the atmosphere finally free of my serene nature. Previously: Meet Veronique Vega; But is it good for the Jews?; XFanz porns burlesque; The Name of the Rose; See also: Tightfit Labels: events, interviews, tightfit ¶ Wednesday, February 28, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
So much more creative than doing lines off hookers
 April Flores, looking like Justine Joli's sassy British barmaid sister, gets a tongue bath from Kimberly Kane at the Alter Ego 2: Voluptuous Life premiere last weekend.Previously: At home with April Flores and Carlos Batts; Porn and spelling; Still life with Santa, toilet; Belladonna in a haystack See also: Fatty D, Kimberly Kane ¶ Tuesday, February 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Dial H for Herpes
 APX Foitruss writes:A newly-single friend of mine who happens to have the herp just set me hip to 'The Code': apparently herpes-positive singles (or swingers, one supposes) can include '437737' in a personals listing to let other herp-positive types (or herp fetishists) know what they can expect.That number spells out "herpes" on a telephone. I tried dialing it and reached the operator. "Do you have herpes?" I asked.In service to you, here are a couple of other numbers to use in your personal ads: 22846542: Catholic 466537: Hooker 7734626886787363328437: Pregnant (and) unsure of father 77346268472647328437: Pregnant (and) Gram is father 3323364: Dead dog 7792467284545377387: Psychopath (likes pets) Previously: Public libraries at east coast island resorts support porn; Porn chicks say the darndest things; Porn stars divert attention to breasts See also: Herpes Dating Labels: found ¶ Tuesday, February 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Cheney busted on technicality
 It appears from this news clipping from a Michigan paper that, since there is no real law against being Satan, the Vice President was hauled in for having relations with a dead dog.Michigan's Bay City Times posted this article about Ronald E. Kuch, a man charged under the state's existing sodomy law for a tryst with a dead dog behind a daycare center, next to a photo of Dick Cheney after the latter's escape from a Taliban suicide bomber. Kuch was charged with sodomy because there's nothing on Michigan's books about what a man and a dead dog (who love each other very much) can or cannot do. Kuch's attorney, Kathryn Fehrman, argued that a dead dog is not an animal and therefore cannot be violated against its will. I agree. I believe a dead dog is actually a desk. Cheney used similar logic when he said that waterboarding was not torture. It's just "a dunk in water," he said. Previously: Send it down; Shane's World made me a dick See also: Judge says local suspect will stand trial for sodomy (mlive.com), Rum, Sodomy & the Lash ¶ Tuesday, February 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Alternative Fuel
 The problem of creatively naming porn movies - series in particular - is vast, and I have nothing but sympathy and a routing number for directly deposited checks for those company owners faced with this daunting task.Still, unless the likes of Kristina Monroe (pictured) and her friends are actually energized and fortified by an "overflowing of sperm", allowing them to complete other tasks, I don't think Fuel Injected is a very good title. Good picture, though, despite the fact that there is no evidence of a super-hot pussy overflowing with anything. Maybe that's why she's holding the front of her skirt down? I don't know. It is a puzzlement. I don't even know if you'd call that a skirt. It looks like a denim coffee filter.  Labels: "lethal hardcore", dvd ¶ Tuesday, February 27, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 26, 2007
Vivid-halt
 Vivid has announced it is delaying (or stopping altogether) the release of the Kim Kardashian sex tape, scheduled to be available this Wednesday.Vivid co-founder Steven Hirsch has always allowed a little wiggle room in press releases about the rights Vivid secured for the DVD (for an alleged $1 million), saying, "We remain very confident that we have the legal right to distribute this video." The sale of the tape was arranged through a third party and, though it is reasonable to assume that at one point Kardashian signed a release (thus Hirsch's confidence), it is equally reasonable to assume that Vivid recently received a cease and desist letter. Calls to Vivid were not immediately returned. "We feel it is most important that we have an opportunity to meet with Ms. Kardashian as soon as possible," Hirsch said today. "We have reached out to her to try to set up a meeting.” Such a meeting, I think, would require a very good lunch. Previously: Wrangling a sex tape; SugarDVD enters friend of celebrity sex tape market; Images of heaven (that take me to Hell) See also: Vivid Labels: celebrities, hype, non-events, vivid ¶ Monday, February 26, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Hustler to take care of its own European distribution
 As you know, Europeans are often mysterious and furtive, ordering Coca Cola with their cellphones and riding around on scooters. That is why Hustler/LFP has decided to send one of its own to Germany to set up a distribution arm for the company.Hustler had previously used a third party distributor in the region, but the distributor was having money problems, making it difficult for Hustler product to get to stores and those little cafes where Europeans like to gather and smoke their cigarettes. "Our reputation suffered," said LFP senior vice president Jeff Hawkins. "The third party frankly was not getting the job done and had really tarnished the name due to the lack of capital spent to advertise and promote us." Helen Clyne, a longtime associate of Hustler, will head the distribution office and warehouse in Krefeld, Germany. "It should be noted that although this company is opening initially to distribute Hustler Video, VCA, and our distributed lines," Hawkins added, "by no means is that what it will stay. In other words it will become Hustler Europe: the European office of everything Hustler, such as lingerie, retail, clubs, apparel, et cetera." Previously: All about All About Anna; Austyn Moore's Secret Society; Wrangling a sex tape; Sandee Westgate to not appear in There's A Black Man in My Ass 2; Ninn to self-distribute in 2006 See also: Hustler Labels: business, commerce, hustler ¶ Monday, February 26, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Shirts for Alaska!
 This has nothing to do with porn, but porn poster/boxcover designer Alaska is now also selling t-shirts to Black Metal consumers.Pictured is his Bathory Alaska design, perfect for the Blood Countess among your loved ones or, more to the point, a fan of the band that brought the world such favorites as "Storm of Damnation" and "In Conspiracy with Satan". Now Quorthon enthusiasts, when performing rituals in their new t-shirts, can say "The guy who made this shirt knows Justine Joli", and Eon McKai, texting from a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl, can say, "My boxcover designer is into demons." Previously: Porned Alaska; alt.squeal See also: Alaska!, Bathory Labels: commerce ¶ Monday, February 26, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 23, 2007
Gram Ponante launches International MILF Registry
 As you well know, a porn teen and an actual teen are rarely the same thing, but that is a problem that is too big for us to tackle.That is why we at Gram Ponante Towers, Rotisserie, Clambake, Crematorium, and Salmon Ladder are proud to announce the International MILF Registry, which will solve the "What is a MILF?" question for consumers. After lengthy discussions with porn luminaries, clergy, and The Hague, we have determined a set of MILF standards; 1. In order to be considered a MILF, a woman must have physically borne a child, whether vaginally or by cesarean section. Children born from the forehead, as was Jupiter from Saturn's, also qualify, in addition to immaculately-conceived children, provided they actually exit the mother. 2. All parties must be cognizant of the MILF's motherhood, whether she be 18 or 50. This can be established contextually by dialogue like "So you're my hot daughter's boyfriend?" or "So you go to school with my Joey?" or "Do you want to see where Tammy came from?" or "De Bella, you're embarrassing your daughter."  From now on, only movies whose "MILF"s meet the above criteria can receive this coveted and epilepsy-triggering seal of approval.This "first-time MILFs" movie, asserting actual motherhood, seems on the level. Until proven otherwise I will grant it a seal. If I find out different May God Have Mercy on Its Soul. Now if we can only do something about the Asians... Previously: VCA embraces pixelation; Because I could not wait for MILFs; Michelle Aston will eat your girlfriend like a chicken sandwich; Your mother should probably be arrested; Your week in MILFs; Cheyenne Hunter: the loneliness of the long-distance biker-MILF ¶ Friday, February 23, 2007 6 Comments Links to this post
All in a day's work for Jamie Elle
 As you know, the fourth coming of Britney Rears has been anticipated like the second coming of someone else.To that end, Jamie Elle, playing Britney Rears' sister, takes the heady occasion in stride as she receives direction from svengali Will Rider. Rider has just told Seth Dickens (left) and Donny Long to find something to do with their hands.  Producer Jeff Mullen has wisely avoided drawing too many parallels to the other Britney in this latest story, which takes place on and off the set of Prime Time Uncensored. Hillary Scott's Britney Rears will not shave her head, have her able motherhood called into question, or descend into madness (but she may in Corruption 2: The Genociding). Previously: Britney Spears continues to hold out hope of immaculate conception; I submit to Britney Rears; Tits, transitions, and a sort of homecomingSee also: Britney Rears Labels: "set visits" ¶ Friday, February 23, 2007 3 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Hillary Scott only in a Gramily way
 Because I am bound to my journalistic standards as if by mighty cables, I asked Hillary Scott today if she was pregnant, as has been reported by various outlets."No, I am not," she said. "Why would someone suggest that at all?" I asked. "I don't know," she said. "And I did a scene with Lexington Steele yesterday, so that's like a spontaneous abortion." We were on the set of Britney Rears 4: Britney Goes Gonzo. "What's different about this movie?" I asked. "I don't know," she said. "People fuck and say stupid stuff." Then BR4 was made about my life, which I have modeled on Corruption. Someone's getting a lawsuit from my ambulance chaser tomorrow morning. "I can take you away from all this," I said to Scott. "Let's go," she said. Previously: Britney Rears: Special Victims Unit; The Britney litany; Speed dating with Hillary Scott; Britney Rears not pregnant See also: Hillary Scott Labels: "set visits", WGL ¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Kirsten Price before Wicked, Jenna Haze after her hiatus
 Shot in 2005, Player's Club (directed by Barrett Blade) featured a heavily made up slip of a thing named Kirsten Price as well as an even slippier Jenna Haze, who hadn't performed a boy/girl scene in three years.Distributor issues prevented Rockstarz Films from releasing this movie, but now Platinum Blue has the job. See Jenna Haze in scenes Blade said were "a favor" and before she mounted her comeback in earnest with Jules Jordan. Here we see Price and Haze in Porn Standard Pose #7, lips parted but not wide enough for sandwiches to enter. Previously: Before they were dieting; Also-Ranny winners See also: Rockstarz Films Labels: "platinum blue", dvd, rockstarz ¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Adultcon Awards nominations open
 Remember yesterday when I said that the only thing that could ease me out of my despair was an awards show? Well, Adultcon will be throwing just such an awards show on June 9 at Hollywood's Key Club, and nominations for awards will be accepted until March...says the press release, revealing that if you had a problem with Crash winning Best Picture last year it was the adult community's fault. Performers may nominate themselves in the following categories by visiting the website: BEST ACTRESS AWARDS · BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ANAL PERFORMANCE · BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ANAL / VAGINAL PERFORMANCE · BEST ACTRESS FOR AN INTERCOURSE PERFORMANCE (this confuses me -are there aspects of intercourse I don't know about?) · BEST ACTRESS FOR AN ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A WOMAN · BEST ACTRESS FOR ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A MAN · BEST ACTRESS FOR SELF-PLEASURE PERFORMANCE BEST ACTOR AWARDS · BEST ACTOR FOR AN ORAL PERFORMANCE ON A WOMAN · BEST ACTOR FOR AN INTERCOURSE PERFORMANCE · BEST ACTOR FOR AN ANAL PERFORMANCE (head up one's own ass doesn't count) Previously: Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die; "A fine spray of legitimacy"; XBiz Forum & Awards: Us v. Them; Will there be another Temptation Awards?; KSEX Awards: Meaty See also: Adultcon Awards Labels: adultcon, awards, events ¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Cuntrol party, cunts in general
 Who am I to say a porn title is distasteful? Why would I have no problem with Assraelis but think Cuntrol is a little too on the nose? Is it because I remember Eddie Baranowski saying "Cuntrol" at lunch in the cafeteria when we were in fourth grade, and the rest of us giggling?Gianna Lynn will host Tightfit Productions' release party for its whiptastic movie Cuntrol on February 27 at Hollywood's Dragonfly. Also in attendance will be flagellist Master Dominic, who will coordinate the live bondage show. But back to cunt. It seems that only the British can say it in a way that strips it of its harshness. Who can forget Jack MacGowran, speaking from Hell through the possessed Linda Blair in The Exorcist: Do you know what she did? Your cunting daughter?Delightful. Or John Lennon in this outtake of a song written about Paul McCartney: How do you sleep, ya coont?Even Queen Elizabeth II sounds witty and urbane when she says it: Hey cunts: In remembering the appalling suffering of war on both sides - a war started by Hun cunts, I might add - we recognise how precious is the cunterrific peace we have built in Europe since 1945.But when we say it it just sounds kind of mean, even if porn is the most appropriate place to use that word. Obviously it is I who must change.  Please help, won't you? When you see me at the Dragonfly next Tuesday (and it isn't lost on me that the party inspires people to say "C U Next Tuesday"), whip your cunt out, if you've got one, and say, "Gram, this is my cunt. However unfortunate you think the word is, what it symbolizes is A-OK."So you know, I also don't like the word Clamato. Previously: Porn I'd like to see; Royster to Los Angeles: "I'm a fool to do your dirty work." See also: Tightfit Productions, Gianna Lynn Labels: events, tightfit, words ¶ Thursday, February 22, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Memphis Monroe reveals Dark Side on her head
 I refuse to believe corn-fed Memphis Monroe has a dark side, but how could she not if she is suddenly brunette? That is how we tell good from evil. That or if she started wearing sunglasses like when Hulk Hogan turned evil.The Dark Side of Memphis Monroe features a post-Vivid, pre-Digital Playground Lacie Heart as well as Ana Nova and Mya Luanna.  Despite the brunettitude I still had trouble with the thought of horse-loving Monroe being bad. Then I noticed that Hustler had used the Ninnworx font and it all made sense.Previously: Pharaoh Porn; No one sucks the joy from my Mikla Tan; Heather Vuur is a good sport; Tales from the darkside of Mya Luanna; Backroads of Memphis; See also: Hustler Labels: dvd, hustler, ninnworx, WGL ¶ Wednesday, February 21, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Summer Haze wrestles for the dead, lost causes
 Like a gang-banging St. Jude, Summer Haze for some reason will inscribe the names of "fallen stars from the family of X" into her Ladies X-Rated Wrestling Champion belt, presented recently at the Coastal Championship Wrestling smackdown in a high school gym in Cool Springs, Florida.Haze's publicist writes: Summer has been working hard for this and wants this belt to symbolize the people who have worked hard in the adult business in the past and present to make us the respected people we are today. So in Denver on February 23rd, Summers Belt will carry the names of fallen stars from the family of X in a special ceremony. Every few months, new members will be inducted until the belt is full. Not only will her belt symbolize the hard work and determination of the person wearing it, but the people who have fought to help us to get where we are today. I can think of no better tribute to our nation's departed porn stars than to have their names on a wrestling belt wrapped snugly around Summer Haze. According to the Coastal Championship Wrestling website, Ms. Haze is an executive assistant. The accompanying photos of the "Valentine Vengeance" event did not depict Haze actually wrestling to get the belt. Haze realizes that if wrestling is fake, why not just have a belt printed up rather than going through the motions? I feel (w)restless and irritated with the You Just Don't Know How Stupid This Makes You Look aspect of porn today, particularly after also receiving an e-mail titled "Britney Rears to Shave Head Bald?" - but I'll get over it. Starting an awards show always makes me feel better. Previously: Summer Haze spreads boobs around; Canada finally validates Gram See also: Coastal Championship Wrestling, Fallen Stars of X Labels: awards, hype, just wrong, non-events ¶ Wednesday, February 21, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
So are they pink or are they white?
 There's so much information there that it's difficult to figure out.Also, this woman looks less like a Rumor than she does a Gretel, or Maizie. This woman looks more like a Rumor, but would she like the Black fellows? Previously: Gaping days are here again; Celebrating Black History Month the only way Porn knows how See also: Lethal Hardcore Labels: "lethal hardcore", dvd ¶ Tuesday, February 20, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Hungary on Bush presidency: "We've got that beat"
 As you know, it is impossible for something to be sexually attractive until it turns 18. The lone exception is this Jagermeister dispenser here in the office.A Parliament minister in Hungary, which is one of the most prolific porn producers in Europe, has inserted language into a draft of the larger penal code that would make it legal for Hungarians to make pornographic material with teens between 14 and 17, provided the teens are not related to or in the care of the pornographer and the material is not for commercial use. "If we consider people 14 years of age to be mature enough to consent to sexual acts, then the chance to make picture recordings of this ... can also be allowed," Hungarian Justice Minister Jozsef Petretei said. Detractors, most of them sputteringly incredulous that the state was even considering this, were able at least to say that the measure would create "a waiting room for prostitution". This is my opinion, but I would assume that for such a proposal to be made - by the Justice Minister, no less - that porn involving 14-17-year-olds (if not younger) is already being produced to such an extent that the state feels the only way it can be controlled is to legalize and regulate it. If the age of consent is 14 in that country, the idea of privately-held images of people acting out that consent shouldn't be shocking. After all, it's done that way here. In the United States, it is illegal to shoot porn with a person under age 18 (and discussing this with a person under 18 is considered pandering), though the age of consent in many states is 17 or 16 (and, in the case of South Carolina, a very Hungarian 14). It is also my assumption that 18, the age of consent in porn groves Florida and California, is what determined the age of porn consent. Can you imagine what wuld happen if it became legal to shoot 17-year-olds in the United States? Every copy of Barely Legal would spontaneously turn into a MILF title. Many people in the adult industry believe that the age of porn consent should be 21. They argue that potential performers need a few years of having normal sex so that they aren't put on the fast track to rectal prolapse without having had a little time to figure out what their options really are. I know plenty of mature and capable 18-21-year-olds, but I agree with this. It's arbitrary and in its arbitrariness unfair (and I know plenty of 30-year-old performers who are just as mature as an 18-year-old), but a waiting period between the age of consent and the age of one's first filmed gangbang is a smart idea. In Hungary, Minister Petretei's portion of the draft will be voted on next week. It is hard not to make value judgments about this, despite the obvious trump card of having an age of consent that assumes maturity at 14. It's easy to imagine the malt shops and arcades of Budapest filling with newly-minted cameramen who just last week were pedophiles. Previously: Glenn Beck: What's wrong with America; Report: Internet profitable; Why Johnny can't read; Girl, he be eating your pants; R. Kelly's brother: "I believe I can't lie" See also: Hungary may legalize porn involving 14- to 17-year-olds for home use (usatoday) Labels: commentary, Europe, Hungary, news ¶ Tuesday, February 20, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
The Erotic (Kool-Aid Acid) Coloring Book
 This coloring book, created in 1975 by Craig Berlin from what appear to be infrared surveillance photos, was purchased at a New York bookstore by Manhattan blogger Jaime Morrison.I thought we had collectively decided to stop freaking each other out (with art, anyway) by 1975, but I was wrong. Previously: VCA embraces pixelation; "Now I've seen everything"; Porned Alaska; "My God, it's full of stars" See also: Jaime Morrison's "The Nonist" (thanks to Duke Santos) ¶ Tuesday, February 20, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 19, 2007
Pharaoh Porn: Marco Banderas' The Dark Side 2
 Something about Havana Ginger's delta-sized nipples or the fact that director Banderas appears to have been carved into a pyramid wall makes this boxcover simultaneously unsettling and compelling, as if probing deeper might unleash a curse on one's family and descendants.It is good to see, at least, that Banderas has joined these elite ranks. I wish people would retire the phrase "dark side", though. All porn is a dark side, especially in terms of access to health benefits and parking. Best to use "gloomy and/or leather goods". Previously: Friday fusillade of filth; Black Viking empties barrel on ladies; Tales from the darkside of Mya Luanna See also: Mercenary Pictures Labels: dvd ¶ Monday, February 19, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Cleopatra of the Nile wants you to die
 Sexy Egyptian fireplug Cleopatra of the Nile is featured on one of Adultcon's billboards overlooking the 710 freeway and demands you drive there.She writes: Going NORTHBOUND on the 710 freeway, start south of the Firestone exit (city of DOWNEY or NORWALK) to be sure you can come from the 105 freeway and then go north on the 710 freeway or start from Imperial hwy and go north on the 710. You will see it before you hit Firestone Blvd exit on the LEFT HAND SIDE.Here is a Google map of the area about which Tolkien wrote: "In Downey (south of Bell Gardens), where the shadows lie..."  Driving is your best bet, for: One does not simply walk into Downey. Its black gates are guarded by more than just gas tanks and Winchell's Doughnuts. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!Previously: KSEX Awards: Meaty See also: Adultcon, Cleopatra of the Nile Labels: adultcon, events, LOTR ¶ Monday, February 19, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Look at this picture while you listen to Amber Peach
 Amber Peach, with a new set of photos that make her look less like Ellie Mae Clampett and more like someone trying to get into the fetish market (and both are fine; it's just that I'm resistant to change) will be on Playboy Radio next Monday, February 26, from 5 to 6 p.m. PST.Previously: Peach bites back; Day rate plus anal See also: Playboy, Amber Peach ¶ Monday, February 19, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Profiles in missing the point
 Fellas, let's be reasonable.It was probably a mistake to invite 18-year-old AVN Best New Starlet nominee Sasha Grey to speak as Porn's emissary at a UCLA class. Though articulate and precociously filthy, Grey clings to an idealism that everyone in the adult business jettisons as impractical within a year, if they possessed it at all. It would have been better to have had a performer and/or director who has been in the industry for five years or more, who had watched several generations of newbies pass out of the business, and who knew the practical realities of surviving. Company owners and distributors should not be asked, because it is in their interest to lie. Because now those poor UCLA students, many of whom are older than Grey, have an imperfect idea of what porn is. When I moved to Los Angeles, my first job was for a reality TV production company. I distinctly remember telling someone that I'd like to create a world in which these places weren't run by pre-literate douchebags, and my friend just rolled his eyes. How naive I was! When I first worked at AVN I wrote something about bridging the gap between porn and "mainstream" entertainment. What an idiot. Grey was selected by UCLA World Arts and Cultures department professor John Bishop, who teaches courses in Video Production and Ethnographic Film. His teaching assistant secured Grey, providing new context to the title TA. Bishop said he chose Grey partially because of her interest in filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard. AVN's Peter Warren quoted Bishop as saying, "There are only six people in the world who like Godard, so I knew you must be OK." The selection of this quote is instructive. It shows that Porn is distrustful of outside attention even as it begs for it, and that that distrust is well-founded as evidenced by Bishop's academic condescension. (In the AVN article, Warren subtly casts aspersions on Bishop, calling him a "self-proclaimed" ethnographic filmmaker, when in fact Bishop is an ethnographic filmmaker.) Warren similarly condescends, describing some of the questions Grey fielded as "civilian" ones. It shows a contempt for consumers. Grey did describe porn directors as "glorified cameramen", which is also naive. I am acquainted with a lot of porn directors who don't even know how to turn on a camera. Though Grey's vagina, unless it was involved with a creampie, has been blissfully free of sperm throughout her porn career, its owner nevertheless called porn's version of intercourse "the most honest depiction of lovemaking in film today ... almost like documentary." If that is true, I feel like I am living a less than real existence. From now on, I resolve to only engage in sexual intercourse once I have stripped down to my sneakers and she to her high heels and we do it piledriver style on a couch and then I pull out and come in her eye. I will also make sure to have Robby D.'s hand coming in and out of the frame. Warren and Grey are made for each other, as is apparent in his final paragraph. Grey's visit to the class not only served as a crossover event of a heretofore uncharted nature (for a still-fresh porn starlet, anyway) — into the halls of academia — but significantly galvanized adult's status as a valid form of art.(I don't know about you, but I was significantly galvanized just reading that.) In other Missing the Point news, Robert Jenson, a Journalism professor at the University of Texas, Austin, calls for an "open discussion of mass-marketed pornography" about 30 years too late and disregarding the fact that the Internet is already an open discussion. While we're at it, let's have a frank dialogue about VHS vs. Beta. Seriously, no one has the intellectual vigor to tackle this issue, and we need to turn to our nation's publish or perish class to sort it out for us. (Sasha Grey photo courtesy Spiegler Girls) Previously: Gang Bang double feature; Something is about to happen to Sasha Grey See also: Sasha Grey Speaks to UCLA Production Class, A Call for an Open Discussion of Mass-Marketed Pornography Labels: commentary ¶ Monday, February 19, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 16, 2007
Celebrating Black History Month in the only way Porn knows how
 The progressive and cultured people at Gamelink offer an azzload of porn movies featuring persons of color.Take this description of Thick Azz Sistas: These ho's got back and can't wait for these bro's to give 'em a crack. The sistas are thick and the brothas have serious dick! There's a whole lotta azz for these monster cocks to bash. These cock hungry whores are brown and round and their pussies and asses have been starvin' for a pound. Surf on over for a thoughtful discussion of the Azz and Sally Hemings. Previously: Porn I'd like to see; After the loving; Meet Honey Dip; Stationary azz jiggle See also: Gamelink ¶ Friday, February 16, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Jesse Jane: "Keep your socks on, Alektra!"
 "And I be up in the gym just-a workin' on my fitness."Read the review of Jesse Jane: Image here. Previously: Pirates: Now with no boobies; Jesse Jane uses a Mac in the pit of Hell; Feelin' Groovy Labels: "digital playground", dvd, WGL ¶ Friday, February 16, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Inside joke of the week: Former AVN Editor Turns Up in Israel
 Read the review of Assraelis here. Labels: avn, coincidence ¶ Friday, February 16, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
correction
Media watchdog Tod Hunter reminds us that Charles Keating was not a Senator (as I mentioned in a shoddy piece of parenthetical journalism yesterday). He also returned Tera Patrick's dog.
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Friday, February 16, 2007
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Before they were dieting
 Pink Visual's Before They Were Stars (vol. 1) features this recently-celebrated performer in a scene shot before she dropped about 20 pounds (and caused alarm by doing so). Who is she?Previously: Teagan distances herself from La Sad Eyes; At home with April Flores and Carlos Batts; Ron Jeremy's Unified Field Theory; Truth is Beauty; When Mary Carey was Mary Carey; Jesse Jane: Image See also: Pink Visual Labels: "pink visual", dvd ¶ Friday, February 16, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Images of heaven (that take me to Hell)
 As you know, the devil and me don't get along. Still, in a story reminiscent of Kim Kardashian being shocked that porn is going on here, several porn performers and crew members walked off a set in which a model of Jesus Christ's head was to be ejaculated upon and then smashed.And questions arose (immediately - not after three days like you read about): I have no problem with what was asked of the performers in this Shane Bugbee-directed Extreme Associates picture, Club Satan*. After all, the Torah tells us to accept no graven images, and ejaculating is accepting. What concerns me is how the likes of Kyle Stone and Rick Masters (who said Bugbee had "gone too far") were enticed to the set at all. The first thing anyone confirms when booking me for a porn film is whether or not I will be expected to ejaculate on Jesus' head. In fact, I regularly choose the Jesus Head Sculpture Ejaculate-free aisle at my local Whole Foods. Provocateur Matt Zane, speaking for Bugbee, who is apparently a Church of Satan priest, said, "Club Satan is about destroying the psychological and emotional taboo's [sic] {Satan needs a new publicist} that society has set forth and engrained with endless social programming." Wow. Some angry teen wants his MySpace page back. And using that logic, is the very foundation of porn, the pulling out and coming on your conquest's face while she slurps it up, about destroying the emotional and psychological taboos of women? "This is not porn for mere entertainment," Zane adds. "This has a philosophy within it." And that philosophy is put away your Sabbath albums. One thing is certain: Paris Gables is fiendishly attractive, even with all that crap on her, and we all know that fake boobs are the work of the Dark One. Previously: Sunny Lane: Miss Congeniality; At least one in ten of us: The Devil Inside; Skater Bloody Skater See also: Extreme Associates *The press release suggests visitors go to ClubStan.com, which I don't advise unless Lucifer wants you to take intermediate improv classes. Labels: "extreme", non-events, Satan ¶ Thursday, February 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
The Poseable Lockwood
 We got a shipment of the new Kurt Lockwood action figures here at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, and Q-Tipperie, and I have to say that the lack of poses is disappointing.The package includes backdrops from his recent boxcovers, and all are characterized by Lockwood stationed woodenly in the middle of a group of women, wearing sunglasses in broad daylight. Thumbsuckers 2 features Lockwood as Roy Orbison in a movie that apparently answers the question: "Why use Kurt Lockwood's cock when you've got a thumb?"  Teen Cock Rockers 2 employs the weird symmetricality of three women holding a starboard breast each. Presley Maddox (to Lockwood's left) alone seems in on the secret: though someone is shaving his armpits, Lockwood is no longer alive. The "Kurt Is Dead" motif is borne out, "Abbey Road"-style, by the fact that right-handed Lockwood is posed to hold his guitar with his left hand.  Finally, the late Lockwood's most recent movie, Lords of Doggie Style Town, finds an obscured and rigor-mortized Lockwood propped up by three women, including Maddox who, now to Lockwood's right, is herself bent most terrifyingly.Lockwood stares into the middle distance, cognizant, finally, of the doom that awaits us all. Though our action figures will probably be relegated to the shelf alongside Barbie with a Prayer Mat, I give kudos to Sex Z Pictures for not shying away from death in a business that is so youth-obsessed. I notice also that, like the Holy Trinity, there are always three figures surrounding Kurt. Viral marketer Jeff Mullen slyly confirms Lockwood's demise in the Doggie Style press release, noting that only Lockwood in his spirit form will be performing: Presley Maddox, Aaliyah Joli, Charlotte Stokely, Riley Mason, Alexa Lynn and Samantha Ryan join Lockwood for some highly spirited and youthful sex as each girl offers up her naked body for some dirty exploration.Dirty exploration of the beyond, that is. Previously: XFanx porns burlesque; Lux redux; TT Girl relocates House of Ass See also: Sex Z Pictures Labels: "sex z pictures", dvd, kurt lockwood ¶ Thursday, February 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Stats: Sexy Vanessa
 I admit that before I became America's Beloved Porn Journalist I was merely a Beloved AVN Employee, and I would see press releases for new models popping up on the blog sites that weren't blocked from my lonely cubicle.When I hung out my own shingle I made a couple of half-hearted attempts to the various Porn Valley modeling agencies to send me e-mails about their new talent but no one ever got back to me. I was sad, but I moved on. Lacking actual content, I just made things up. So today I got word of Sexy Vanessa from Absolute Modeling. I don't know what her middle name is. Ms. Vanessa does not look like a frail and wilting flower. In fact, she looks like she could do well in a cage match with Alektra Blue. Here is what Sexy Vanessa can add to your production: Solo, GG, Fetish, Squirting, BJ, BG, BBG, BGG, Anal, BDSM, Swallow, Facial, and ATM. It doesn't say anything about Jesus Head Sculptures. You may book here here. The one problem I could foresee would be in meeting for the first time. SV: "Hi! I'm Sexy Vanessa." GP: "But my name isn't Vanessa." Previously: Lighthouse 1, Hansen's Disease 0 See also: Sexy Vanessa Labels: "absolute modeling", agency, stats ¶ Thursday, February 15, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Gaping days are here again
 Something about Carmen Kinsley in Booty-Full Babes 2 reminded me of Led Zeppelin. Perhaps it is that she appears to be sunning herself on a rock and personifies the old saying: "D'yer Maker? Hell, I almost killed 'er."Previously: After the loving; Quick turnaround in the gape department; Report: cum distribution interesting See also: Lethal Hardcore, Led Zeppelin Labels: "lethal hardcore", dvd ¶ Wednesday, February 14, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Ladyboy or Cenobite?
 As you well know, Gram Ponante.com is legendary (even in Hell) for its top notch Cenobite/ladyboy coverage. Who would have thought these diverse but wholesome species could ever come together?Platinum Blue's Ladyboys in Latex seamlessly bridges the gap between Thailand's most famous export and the Lament Configuration, revealing that it is not hormones that call us; it is desire. Previously: The jellied hand of destiny; Intending to bring rain, Sunny Lane stumbles, incurs wrath of corn god; Doc Johnson releases Hellraiser line of marital aids; 2006 Erotic/Exotic Ball report (fleshbot); DVD: "Memoirs of a Ladyboy" (fleshbot); Private introduces first hybrid synergy porn star See also: Platinum Blue Productions, "The Female"'s other gig Labels: "platinum blue", asian, cenobites, dvd, transsexual ¶ Wednesday, February 14, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Wrangling a sex tape
 One aspect of viral marketing that fascinates me is shame.While Kim Kardashian would have had to have signed a release in order that her sex tape with rapper/former boyfriend Ray J could be sold, she publicly distances herself from any involvement in the negotiations that ultimately resulted in Vivid's purchase of the rights to sell it. While money will definitely appear in Kardashian's bank account, if it hasn't already, it appears that she feels that actively shilling her tape reflects poorly on her, so she is claiming to be a victim of the process, recently threatening to sue Vivid. If Vivid doesn't already have her consent to release the tape, it will be a stunning lawsuit. Watch for various and sundry lawsuit threats to be made and then quietly retracted in the coming weeks. Vivid co-chairman Steve Hirsch said he is "comfortable" his company has "the legal right to distribute this video." Porn rental/purchase etailer SugarDVD and other companies (including Vivid and Redlight District) were approached by "a third party" when Kardashian was researching selling her tape (though brief, Kardashian's performance is better than that of her pal Paris Hilton and fame-tier partner Dustin Diamond). It quickly became a high magnitude non-event, with SugarDVD announcing in several media that it had "offered" Kardashian $2 million for the rights. When Vivid last week announced that it had secured the rights for about $1 million, I asked a Vivid official why Kardashian had given up the other million. "I think you'll find the other offer involved a nebulous back-end deal," he said. I asked SugarDVD president Jax about the process. "We were the initial negotiators for the tape beginning three months ago," Jax said. "After the first discussion about the tape we waited for two months and then were told it might not be released. During this same time we stated to the NY Daily News that we felt the tape 'could' be worth $1.5 million. After the NY Daily News story ran we were told by email that we would get a call soon about acquiring the tape. That call never came. Three weeks later Vivid announced they had purchased it." Jax does not know why the deal went to Vivid, but his consolation prize is that his company can make money from the tape regardless when Vivid releases it, and that SugarDVD is now considered a player in the celebrity sex-tape market, available to purchase my home erotic spoken word happenings. "They felt Vivid could promote it better," Jax hypothesized, "thereby getting Kim's name out there more. That possibility would require an assumption that Kim is using this as an opportunity to promote herself." Jax was surprised that the feckless third party was not polite. "We would have liked to have a call before it was sold," he added, "but that's the way it goes." Previously: SugarDVD enters friend-of-celebrity sex tape market See also: Vivid, SugarDVD Labels: celebrities, hype, non-events ¶ Tuesday, February 13, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 12, 2007
You can stop posing now
 Manuel Ferrara goes the extra mile in his role as "Reporter" in Educating Nikki. Tiffany Price, playing "Call Girl", appears aloof, disinterested, probably because reporters do not make a large amount of money.Previously: Untitled Briana Banks project; Nine falls on the Cold Valley; This is how porn guys live; Last words on AVN 2007 See also: Hustler Labels: "contract girls", dvd ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
"What kind of jobs are we talking about here?”
 Kink.com's purchase of an historic 200,000 sq. ft. building in San Francisco's Mission District caught the protesting establishment off-guard; prepared for condominium developers, they got Condom-Only instead.Previously: Porn world mourns Barbaro; O: The places you'll go See also: A Neighbor Moves in With Ropes and Shackles, and Some Are Not So Pleased (nytimes.com), Kink Labels: "Kink.com", BDSM, fetish, news ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Playboy releases Asians Clutching at Underwear movie
 Director Bud Lee, whose Whoriental Sex Academy 4 was the first porn movie I'd ever seen being filmed, has released the sequel to his naughty stewardesses movie Fly Spice.Fly Spice: Pacific Rimmed follows the airline to Tokyo, Gateway to the East, where aircraft personnel nervously grab at their own underthings, as depicted in the boxcover photo. "We wanted to show that if Asian stewardesses couldn't keep their hands off themselves, how could they be expected to keep their hands off of you?" Lee did not say. "It's the same with love, really." Pacific Rimmed will be in stores on February 22 and stars Michelle Maylene, Cheyne Collins, Kaiya Lynn, Nyomi Marcela, Mikayla, Avy Scott, Syren, Kyle Stone, Nick Manning, Evan Stone, and Nick East. Previously: 35 years of grass on the field; Spice racks new channels; Gram Ponante sold to Playboy See also: Spice Studio ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
VCA embraces pixelation
 In a move lauded by industry watchers, VCA has left behind the porn trope of placing stars or splotches on box art genitals (also the name of my band) and replaced the controversial process with simple pixelation."I don't even know what's down there between that MILF's legs," said Loup Perch-Tounge, chairman of Chatsworth's Lycee du Skanque. "But now I'm curious." Self-proclaimed America's Beloved Porn Journalist Gram Ponante concurred. "Pixelation has that scrambled cable channel appeal for me, which I find intensely erotic," said Ponante through a translator. VCA has always been at the forefront of junk obfuscation, known since Michelangelo's time as Pudenda Obscura. The company has used stars ("stellation"), splotches ("basura"), and ghostly orbs ("poltergeisting") to comply with ever-changing community mores. "I am happy that VCA has adopted a standard that perhaps the rest of the adult industry might follow," stated Dorg Perninfruir of the U.N. Council on Flesh and Turgidity. "Now if they could only keep their contract girls." Previously: Cock-blocking with Gram; Judge: Google message not too small for the medium See also: VCA Pictures ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
What spam tells us about porn
 This message, titled "Porn Star recommend our drugs", made it through my spam filter because I'm Australian:Hi mate!I was about to delete it when I wondered if, staganographically hidden in the message, was a commentary about the porn community. Was this person saying that porn stars are "fuckers"? Is the strength referred to in "everyone can be strong" a negation of the work it takes to create a successful porn scene? Is there a reason that all my spam concerns viagra soft tabs and not mortgages? Previously: How to make me read your spam; Valentine's Day Lust; Eroticist Karaoke: Escape from the Valley of the Sluts Labels: commentary, spam ¶ Monday, February 12, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, February 09, 2007
Plight of the Hunters
 Imagine if Nikki Hunter (pictured here with her husband, Josh) had become the porn star she is during the videotape era; you would have gladly shelled out a hundred bucks to wear your playheads down on her quintessential porniness.With DVD prices falling to historic lows, what are you to do with that extra cash? Hunter has cancer, and fighting it is expensive. What about texting some of it to Darling Nikki? I have noticed mean-spirited backlashes recently with regard to porn stars like Asia Carrera and Dana DeArmond asking for money in the wake of personal tragedy. People who know Hunter personally really love her; no one should be penalized for asking. An innovative way to help out a friend in need using resources most of us employ every day is charitable texting. Last week the news broke that Hunter was ailing and, in addition to a charity movie in the works as well as a benefit party in March, there is a more immediate way to help a'throbbin' in your pocket. Fans searching for an easy way to help the uninsured mom of two now can text their get well wishes for 99 cents. Proceeds from the transaction will be donated to Hunter's recovery effort. From Wankus at KSEXRadio: • Simply open a blank text message doc on your cell phone or SMS service on your computer Hunter is currently undergoing chemotherapy and close friends say her spirits are high. Previously: Scenes from a Pussy Party; Ravenous See also: KSEXRadio Labels: philanthropy, WGL ¶ Friday, February 09, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
XBiz Forum And Awards: Us v. Them
 The XBiz Hollywood Forum was a success for the content it squeezed into two brief days of parties, seminars, and mingling. Webmasters spend double-digit hours in front of their computers each day, and even when they drive their car a block to the local Quizno's, they still carry a pager to be alerted if a server goes down. Conventions convince them they're still part of the world.As with award shows, adult conferences seem to be self-perpetuating. While doubtless all the information passed around at the XBiz conference was helpful, such as how to behave during an FBI raid, that you should know your niche market, if changing your website's background color is a good idea, the most important thing, it seems, at these proliferating coventions is attaching faces to ICQ numbers.  Here is Ashley Fires. She shares my Best Dressed honors with Casey Parker. I think Fires, Angie Savage, and Parker should live here at Gram Ponante Towers, Buffet, Heliport, Cloisters, and Dojo and I should teach them, I don't know, French. I was on a panel discussing viral marketing, and I felt the need to define it in as many ways as were relevant. Jeff Mullen pointed out that the "Britney Rears" movies he marketed might not necessarily be good but everyone knew about them. Jeff Mullen writes: I didn’t remember saying that BR movies might not be good, I said they didn’t have to be good for our campaign to work. There is a big difference because I think Britney Rears 3 is good and ranks right up their with Gone With the Wind, The Godfather Parts 1 & 2 and Goodfellas.(See? I'm writing about Britney Rears again.) Sunny Lane said that there was no such thing as bad advertising in porn but, truth be told, she didn't seem to address viral marketing as much as self-promotion. "I'm a product," she said, "and a damned good one."  Lane is indeed an excellent product, and while she did not seem clear on the concept of viral marketing, her presence on the panel was instructive: the better your viral marketing is, the less you have to self-promote. I disagreed with other panelists that the product being marketed virally needed to be a quality product. I believe that, with any marketing, the strength of the product is incidental. It helps if the product is worthwhile, but products ranging from Paris Hilton to George W. Bush prove that great marketing campaigns can be draped on flimsy frames. "I will talk about Strokahontas," I argued, "until I die. That doesn't mean she's worth talking about." View a video of the animated Sunny Lane, apparently shot by Abraham Zapruder. I talked about Adult Swim's hoax devices. Several people in the audience missed out on quality marital aids who failed to find the packages I'd left under their seats. Oh well. I mentioned to Mullen that the coverage I provided "Britney Rears" was mostly about how much marketing had been done. In that way I became part of the viral marketing chain. I sat in a chair for three hours in the Roosevelt's Marilyn Monroe suite and drank. A succession of people dropped by my drinking table. The suite had been provided by Barcelona's Private Media Group. I liked the Private people, an international group whose products I have a hard time getting because they lack competent stateside marketing. An executive noted that Private's efforts in the United States were limited by international performers' difficulty in getting visas for promotional trips. "They keep getting detained at airports," he said.  I met the dominatrix Kali Kane and the aspiring porn performer Rebecca Rhinestone, both from Portland, OR. This picture does neither of them justice, but at that point in my intoxication, had I stood to get better light, I would have blown a gyroscope. Kane had a strong handshake. And thighs. These are appropriate for dominatrices. Shaking a domme's hand like a dead fish is a sign that she will never gain your respect and must be avoided. I lost my respect for Lord Master Damien and thus never found his opinions compelling. Rebecca Rhinestone was delightful, despite having no website. I asked how she got her name. "I am sparkly and cheap," she said. "I am a chubby girl who loves to fuck." You can visit her several times a month at the Moonlite Bunnyranch. Also in attendance at the suite were some Eurotools. A man approached me and said, "I am looking for a man who gave a speech who looks like an overweight John Lennon." I guess it would be hypocritical to take offense at comments concerning physical characteristics when I want to fly jets off Nicole Austin's ass.  I don't know who these people are because I can't read.The XBiz Awards were a little unruly, less orderly than last year. They were hosted by Tera Patrick, who handled the duties well, and Hustler's Jim Henley, who admirably maintained enthusiasm throughout an affair that he pointed out needed to be "gotten through". Henley articulated, sometimes shrilly, a recurrent theme throughout the the XBiz Forum and Awards. Not only did there seem to be a clear distinction between the Internet and Video sides of the adult industry, with video people often patronizingly explaining DVDs to Internet people (which was oddd because the Internet makes more money), but Henley and others referred often to the outside world as enemies. "2007 is the year when people learn you can't fuck with the adult industry," he said. When in doubt, a good way to identify video and Internet people is to ask them their names. The standard Internet Naming Convention is company name + first name, so XFanz Vito, Lightspeed Norbert, and Goateecash Hyman. Also, Internet users shy away from needless Xs, so you know that Naomi Banxxx works in video. Cousin Stevie of Pussy Party fame (if he were a webmaster he would be Pussy Party Stevie) also put a fine point on Internet vs. Video and Porn vs. the world. Presenting an award, he prefaced it with a plea for help for the ailing Nikki Hunter, observng (correctly) that many people in the room might not be aware of who she was. Then he said that helping Hunter would show the outside world that porn people could be virtuous. He tried once to get the crowd to quiet down, much like the XRCO Awards, but he persevered without rancor, unlike the XRCO Awards. When he finished, he said, "I'm done. Let's give out this goddamn trophy." He's a cool dude, that Cousin Stevie.  Tyler Faith poses while life partner Wankus holds her purse. One of the paradoxes of the adult industry is that as much as it craves mainstream attention (why else would each awards show have a Crossover Star award?), it also speaks of a constant threat from outsiders who would "make our decisions for us", from federal oversight beyond 2257 regulations to someone other than, say, me making money off the sale of .xxx domains. Henley said that this year would see an unprecedented banding together of the adult industry. I don't know if this was a dream he had or if plans were already being made in Porn's shadowy back rooms. If the latter, of course, it is an internal example of someone making decisions for the rest of us. Previously: Thursdays with Lurk; An inconvenient truth; Gram Ponante steps up viral marketing See also: Viral Marketing from A to Z (xbiz.com) ¶ Friday, February 09, 2007 4 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith, R.I.P.
 From Carlos Batts:Title: Previously: At home with April Flores and Carlos Batts See also: Labels: celebrities, news ¶ Thursday, February 08, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
An inconvenient truth
 I was sitting in this seminar about affiliate programs and the only person to talk about about bodily fluids, the liquid foundation of this businesss, was Karl Edwards, the representative of the gay affiliate program YouKnowJack.How to dream up a successful affiliate program? the panel was asked. "You just need to sit down with a bottle of lube and your fantasies and figure it out," Edwards said. We aren't that different, really. How do most big things get done? There was also a certain amount of amateur webmaster-bashing going on, with panelists saying that "some webmasters think that they can sign up for your affiliate program and then start making money without doing any work." Moderator Alec Helmy added, "I don't even know if these people can be called webmasters anymore." If we substitute "webmaster" with "human", the next step is genocide. Steve Lightspeed of LightspeedCash broke the hearts of Tawnee Stone fans. "I get these letters for Tawnee Stone (Lightspeedcash runs her affiliate program) saying, 'I hope I'm not talking to some fat, bald, 40-year-old webmaster,'" Lightspeed recalled. "I'm like (making his voice high and squeaky), 'No way, honey, it's me!'" Previously: AVN 2007; "A fine spray of legitimacy" Labels: business, events, xbiz ¶ Thursday, February 08, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Thursdays with Luke
 Luke Ford, my elder, approached me 10 minutes ago at the XBiz Forum and asked:"What's this big story about you?" "I don't know. I suppose it depends on who said there was a big story about me." "Someone at XBiz?" he suggested, feigning an inability to remember. "Gossip rag." "So what makes you America's beloved porn journalist?" he asked. "The People, Yes." "Do you think Ron Levy funds Alec Helmy?" he asked. "Ask me after lunch." Lurk has poisoned every relationship he has had with non-sociopaths. We talked about his new Wordpress blog. "My girlfriend is doing it," he said. "Your - - ??!!" I asked. "She's not in the industry - " he said quickly. "That's good," I said, relieved somehow. Previously: Lurk lands lads; All Hallows Porn Star Karaoke ¶ Thursday, February 08, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The things I could perch on Nicole Austin's ass
 A creative dilemma I wrestle with daily is how to write this site in an ambiguous enough manner so that I never have to say "I would like to have sex with this person I'm writing about".Extrapolate that to the greater porn world and you have an even bigger problem: doesn't it all boil down to jerking off? How is it possible to make any of that sound classy? I guess one could build enough structural buffers around it and one could conveniently forget that this business is all about naked ladies/fellows and what might be done with them.  But I'll never forget.Here is Ice-T's wife, Nicole Austin, also known as Coco. Jesus Christ. Luckily I can avoid being awkwardly vocal about my personal preferences thanks to the filthy-minded Mason, who said, "I could balance a 40 on Coco's ass."  Here are several other items that would perch nicely thereon:Edoras, Golden Hall of the Rohirrim Deez Nutz The 2007 Honda CRV The Adam Film World building The Chrysler building Your mother The North American Plate Gondwanaland The white cliffs of Dover Belle & Sebastian Seals & Crofts Peaches & Herb Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass A load A carrier platform of Harrier Jump Jets The Pharos Lighthouse Space Another 40  I haven't felt this way since I first encountered Not Tiger Woods' Wife. Previously: Caprica Six gets a ten; Kendra Jade denies bringing her ass See also: Coco's World Labels: celebrities, WGL ¶ Wednesday, February 07, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
Porn world mourns Barbaro
 Not a week after the 2006 Kentucky Derby winner was put down comes Felony Productions' Pony Play, featuring Kaci Starr with a strap-on.Playing the ponies is increasingly popular in the BDSM world, with a number of local dungeons, er, sheepishly ordering hay for submissives who will don bridle and saddle (but rarely feedbag) in order for their masters to canter around on them. I know very few women who haven't admitted to at least one or two porny thoughts about horses, and the phonologist will agree that it doesn't take a lot to get from "pony" to "porny". But something about this picture made me question whether this title weren't another cut-rate co-opting for porn purposes of a legitimate fetish. Is there penetration in pony play? I took too much time finding out, and discovered that no, there usually isn't, with the exception of tails one might attach to butt plugs. From Maximum Awesome: Human horses are called ponygirls and ponyboys. Though it is common for ponyboys/girls to be owned/trained/ridden by someone of a similar sexual orientation, it is not a recognized rule. In fact, for the human pony, the thrill is not about obvious sexual contact, rather the thrill is found in the fulfillment of the fantasy of being a horse under the control of a master. In general, ponyboys and girls do not have sex with their masters and riders at all. That being said, there are--of course--exceptions. One notable exception is when one pony is bred to another. This stud-service is done with permission from the "owners" of each pony and is agreed upon by the ponies themselves (in human form) before ponyplay starts. At times, there will be mock breeding (no penetration) for fantasy purposes. Many ponies and masters are in a relationship together in and outside of ponyplay while others have primary relationships altogether separate from their ponyplay.Porn appears to be doing to pony play what it has already done to schoolgirls, lesbians, and a living wage for writers at trade magazines: it is substituting a pale shadow or horrible bastardization for something noble and wholesome, in this case dressing your partner up as a horse and galloping her into town for groceries. But I applaud Felony Productions for advertising that its movies are produced by convicted felons. I wonder if the crime was rustling or stealing the font from "Happy Days"? Previously: But is it good for the Jews?; The Name of the Rose; Drawing a line between the living and the dead - a sexy line ¶ Wednesday, February 07, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
XBiz launches '07 Forum, drinks
 I stood on the lobby balcony of the Roosevelt Hotel and asked the following question:"Who in this room will benefit from the creation of a .xxx domain?" Silence. "I know I will," I continued. "I'm going to make a billion dollars." This loosened people up a little. There's nothing that inspires webmasters more than a gauntlet being thrown down and, since I made my statement via my Blackberry on a messageboard, everyone responded immediately. "I will you jackass (emoticon with middle finger up)," someone said. "I have more traffic than Jesus you jackass (emoticon of figure humping another figure)," cried another, brandishing a weapon in his signature. "Your so OWNED LOLROTFLMAOGAPE you jackass (emoticon of an animated .gif being swallowed by a SQL server)," declared another, adding "I can get your credit rating slashed." "I will," said the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. In a nutshell, foes of the proposed .xxx domain extension feel that such a classification will not only ghettoize adult content but also make it easier for that part of the web to be shut down for trumped up reasons, like bird flu. Furthermore, they feel that children will not be protected from porn by .xxx, as proponents - chief among them a British citizen named Stuart Lawley - suggest. Finally, detractors wonder who in the adult business might financially benefit from a portion of each .xxx domain sold by Lawley's ICM Registry. AVN has withdrawn its support for .xxx and so, to a lesser degree, has XBiz. Lawley will be a featured speaker at XBiz' Forum today. Other sites have much more background on this latest battle for porn's soul, filled with name-calling and smugness. People are shocked - shocked - by the idea that money might be going into someone else's pocket over this issue. As I learned in prison, anyone who takes a little cash on the side might also sell a brother out (full disclosure: I was the shabbas goy at a reformed women's detention center, providing conjugal visits for single felons for a small corkage fee).  I cannot stand behind the ICM registry because it uses photos licensed from some stock image outlet to represent its employees. Very few porn stars attended last night's party; it was mostly Internet types, and I recognized very few of them. Three people from gay company NakedSword - two men and a woman - shared a bathroom stall next to me and weren't quiet about it. "Parade your freakish sexuality somewhere else!" I exclaimed, absently stuffing a midget into a hooker's ass.  I saw Casey Parker when I'd had a few drinks in me. It would have even been nice sober. I like that Casey Parker. I hope she moves away from the San Fernando Valley and stars in a nude frolic movie called Casey Parker Goes to Puerto Rico being released next month. "This is me trying to be sexy," she said. "You're sexy no matter what," I said, pulling a midget out of her ass. I encountered the British Martina Warren, right, married to a Dubliner with the first name of Warren.  "I took his first name for my last name," she explained. "Go parade your freakish sexu - ! Oh forget it." Warren was with Nikki Kane, whose website states she is 19. There's a chance she's older. Both were pleasant.  Because I am a chameleon, I began to adapt to my new surroundings. I am not really used to the Internet side of the porn industry which, despite XBiz' efforts in the video arena, was much more in evidence at last night's party. So I took a picture of Internet Superstar Halcyon Styn and Mr. Skin's marketing genius, Derek Meklir. Note that I identified them in the party photos. The vibe was different from AVN parties. I got no blowjob in the bathroom but I did get a couple of offers of competitive revshares. It's a tossup. The industry is changing. Previously: Gram Ponante steps up viral marketing; The X(Biz) Files: FBI to address porners; XFanz porns burlesque; XBizVideo launch party: Classy, non-violent Labels: events, trademags, WGL, xbiz ¶ Wednesday, February 07, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
February is Black History Month in Porn Valley, too
 The tearjerking "Everyone is a winner" Superbowl ad, celebrating the fact that for the first time there were two African-American coaches, got me to wondering if the porn world, too, had its own useless version of self-conscious political correctness.Well, the answer arrived in the (dead white) mail this morning. Not only do these Gangsta Hos look neither like gangstas nor hos, but the tagline ("A ho's work is never done!") doesn't put me in mind of gangstas at all. If it said "Pop a cap - or whatever - in their azz", then I would be testifying with the quickness. Stay tuned for more gentle nobility throughout the month. Previously: Scenes from the class struggle in Playboy's Penthouse; Why I love the theatre; Booty milestone See also: Hustler Labels: "race movies", dvd, hustler ¶ Wednesday, February 07, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Nikki and Dana find Jesus
 Since I cannot let go of the 2007 AVN convention, we must let God. Turn your cheek, then, to this video of (some of) Our Lord visiting Sin City to chat up the likes of Dana DeArmond, Jewess Joanna Angel, Taylor Wane, Summer Haze, and Nikki Nievez, a personal favorite who I never even saw the whole week I was there. Mysterious ways, indeed.J.C. Superstar is played by Brady Hall of Seattle's The Stranger. His forgiveness and grace is evident even unto his exchange with Gene Simmons, who can try anyone's patience. Hall manages to resist several of the desert temptations in His walk through the Sands. Previously: Smiles, everyone - Smiles!; "A fine spray of legitimacy"; Kendra Jade denies bringing her ass; Lex smells the roses, Buddhism See also: Jesus goes to the porn convention, The Stranger Labels: avn, events, video, WGL ¶ Tuesday, February 06, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 05, 2007
Tyler Faith wears light blue Nikes, receives drumline to the parts
 Pride of Saugus Tyler Faith, whose grandmother I didn't get to meet at Christmas, is what we in the adult industry call a SMOOP (Significant [male] other-only performer), or a Funky Cold Grdina, referring to Jay Grdina, Jenna Jameson's ex and ex-clusive male partner for the last part of her performing career.The only man who has appeared, er, inside Faith in the past two years is her partner Wankus, and he has cobbled together a video of those halcyon days when Tyler was Open Season. Update: Wankus writes that Tyler is ready for me at any time: Tyler hasn't taken herself off the market and she has no BOY-GIRL restrictions with me. In fact, many of the clips in this piece are from recent projects.It is sad, though expected, when female performers take themselves off the market for the sake of their relationships, and Tyler keeps a steady paycheck coming through her dance appearances and the occasional girls-only movie. But this video is bittersweet, if porn can be bittersweet, in the same way that we wonder what it must have been like in Cuba before Castro took over, (except with vaginas). View the video here. Previously: "Just like the glitter on her nose" See also: Tyler Faith Labels: WGL ¶ Monday, February 05, 2007 1 Comments Links to this post
A Vuur by any other name
 Newly-confirmed 2007 Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven has a problem, and it's not how to remember my number (I had it tattooed on her lower lip while she was sleeping, as I am a Maori chieftain).Which name should she use? Vandeven began posing for men's magazines like Penthouse back when pal Sophia Santi was Natalia Cruze. When Vandeven began working for Michael Ninn in movies like Sacred Sin, she changed her name to Vuur, the Dutch word - Vandeven's family is Dutch - for "fire". Now sources say that Penthouse, which insisted on the name change because it did not want hardcore stars associated with its magazine, is asking that Ninnworx and Vuur change her name back to Vandeven permanently, or at least until she becomes Heather Vandeven-Ponante-James-Dio, my ancestral surname. Penthouse has already grabbed Vandeven's .com address, so the branding is underway. I don't care what Heather V.'s name is. I just want her to be happy. Previously: I, Vuur; 5, Vuur; Open bar at the Van Halen place; What makes boobs real? See also: Heather Vandeven (penthouse.com) Labels: WGL ¶ Monday, February 05, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
The Name of the Rose
 ...is not important. The important thing is that they're naked.Here are Alaska's own Rose girls, Ava (top) and Mia, in Winkytiki's upcoming Man's Ruin for Vivid-steve.  Despite the gravity of the picture, Mia is wearing a horse's bit, I think. Winkytiki describes her scene with Jay Huntington as "wacky". These pictures are looking suspiciously Michael Ninn-like for the normally-carefree director. I hope the world has not crushed his spirit. Previously: Porned Alaska; Hotter than a Balrog; Oh to live on Cameltoe Mountain See also: Winkytiki, Vivid-steve Labels: directors, steveporn, vivid, WGL ¶ Monday, February 05, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Gram Ponante steps up viral marketing
 The main disadvantage of viral marketing, as I plan to tell a rapt audience Thursday at the XBiz Hollywood Forum, is that for all its attention-grabbing potential its usefulness to tradition-minded accounting departments is negligible. The results of viral marketing cannot be quantified using the old metrics.Irregardless, as people who work at adult trade magazines have said to me this past week, I have decided to increase exposure of my brand by planting several hundred hoax devices around Porn Valley and Los Angeles County. The next time you see a Hummer 3 being piloted by someone tiny, you are witnessing a rolling and Napoleonic example of my marketing genius. I put those Hummers there. The drivers are actors who, beneath several layers of latex and the "smallifying" suits I dressed them in, are actually effective people with high self esteem. Spell out "GramPonante.com" with whatever implement you have, such as lipstick or a key, on the broad doors, hood, or windshield. You will then send me $35,000 for the inevitable legal challenges that will draw attention to my site. Previously: Gram Ponante sold to Playboy; Mooninites descend on Boston; Cock-blocking with Gram See also: XBiz Hollywood ¶ Sunday, February 04, 2007 2 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Devinn Lane: Another day in Pink Paradise
 You know those Lesbians 'til Graduation, always with the pillow fights and soulful glances and tearful, earnest debates about which Indigo Girl, Amy or Emily, would be more forgiving if you cheated on her with the other. Well, porn's version of lesbians is much different in that they all wear high heels and there's not one yearning mention of Jo Polnicek all through the movie.The devilish Devinn Lane will begin shooting the second installment of the girls-only ensemble porn Pink Paradise this weekend. Lane has made her mark on the adult business in her nearing-eight-year career, closely identified with Wicked and Playboy and recently having directed for Shane's World. "There is nothing as sweet as the touch of a woman," the liner notes of the first Pink Paradise point out; "the oh-so-forbidden fruit every girl secretly wants to taste but few dare to take that first juicy bite." I was in Glendale, CA today and asked several Armenian women at the butcher shop what, if anything, was sweeter than the touch of a woman. "I kill you," they said. "Excellent," I said. "Knowing what you know, what is the 'oh-so-forbidden fruit every girl secretly wants to taste but few dare to take that first juicy bite'?" "Is Turkish taffy," one said. "Is Turkish baklava," offered another. "Is Armo's brother," suggested a third. Then I realized that these Armenian housewives had something in common with the porn ladies Devinn Lane would be photographing this weekend: they're not lesbians at all. (photo of Devinn courtesy Danni.com) Previously: Devinn spot-cleans the limo; Lockwood opens the pod bay doors for Devinn See also: Sin City Films Labels: dvd, kurt lockwood, sin city ¶ Thursday, February 01, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Report: Internet profitable
 A live auction of domain names - Internet addresses with no content included - was the high point of last month's Internext convention in Las Vegas.Domain names like Kinkysex.com and Shemale.com (apparently purchased by the same company if you compare them) went for $88, 500 and $525,00, respectively, proving that kinky's got nothing on she-males. Internext's Renee Johnson said that the auction was conducted just like any other auction, whether for art or cattle. "Bidders knew what they were bidding on beforehand," she said, "and they each had little paddles with numbers." Aspects of the auction were like a fire sale. The sexy-sounding Opportunity.com sold for $150,000, but its original owners appeared to have gone out of business. "It was a fun ride while it lasted (but) Opportunity.com has been forced to shutdown," read a placeholder on the site. That Opportunity.com was being sold at a porn Internet convention is interesting, but that TeenModels.com, which sold for $80k and listed (as of today, anyway) "Child modeling" next to "Amature porn" among its services was creepy. The auction netted just under $2 million. A spokesperson for Moniker, the organization that sponsored the auction, noted that this was the first time the company had worked in the adult space and that more mainstream-sounding titles like Opportunity.com, which wasn't originally an adult site, are excellent ways of keeping the porn entrepreneur's portfolio "vertically integrated". Previously: Report: Porn industry to utilize Internet; Why CES and AVN broke up; Ireland overwhelms InterWeb See also: Moniker Labels: business ¶ Thursday, February 01, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
How to make me read your spam
 Labels: spam ¶ Thursday, February 01, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
Mooninites descend on Boston
 In that Tera Patrick once guest-starred on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and did what I think was her best acting ever there (even more so than her job interview with Digital Playground), the fact that apparently the entire city of Boston is angry with ATHF producer Adult Swim/Turner Broadcasting for planting "hoax devices" throughout the city is really an admission that Boston is uncomfortable with Tera Patrick eating corndogs.Bostonians have been using the hoax devices ploy to trample individual freedoms since they dumped tea off one ship and dumped Dirt Pipe Milkshakes 2 off another. Previously: Little Naturals; Squirting, shame, and the Dark Knight; Princess: Let me introduce His Frogness See also: Watch "Grim Reaper Gutters", Marketing gambit exposes a wide generation gap (boston.com), Adult Swim Labels: "tera patrick", news ¶ Thursday, February 01, 2007 0 Comments Links to this post
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