While I am not visiting Texas with native daughter Jesse Jane, I do notice that the six flags are all flying at full staff in her honor.
And did you know that the state capital was named after the Six Million Dollar Man? And that "El BJ" is not a style of Mexican fellatio? And that it's too hot to think of anything funny?
Don't get me wrong; I'm right on board with the pornification of America. But just as I wouldn't let an unlicensed tattoo artist perform a clitoridectomy on me, the amateur hour known as the XPeeps Wet T-Shirt Contest is remarkable for the number of sullen meth champions uploading their videos of hosing themselves down in their FEMA trailer showers.
This is the lady I'd vote for, if for nothing else because she didn't immediately begin apologizing to the camera and saying "kill me now."
Carmen Luvana stars in Ernest Greene's O: The Power of Submission about men and ladies who do these things because they love each other very much.
The 1954 book "Histoire d'O" by Pauline Reage was a sensation in France and was published in English in 1965. It exists in a few film versions, most notably one with Udo Kier, and another, a tribute short by Lars von Trier. von Trier later used Kier in The Kingdom and Breaking the Waves.
Greene says he updated the story to modern-day Los Angeles and tried to stay faithful to the book, which was written on a dare by the author to her married lover.
This pretty bondage picture also features a walk-on by Nina Hartley, who gets some whip-time in, as well as Justine Joli.
Will this really be a faithful adaptation? Probably not, but I saw some of the pictures and they look great.
In addition, the book has not gone out of print in 50 years.
I'd mentioned to a colleague that I'd only once met Jon Dough, who was found dead this weekend after allegedly committing suicide (the Coroner's report is not yet in). He had loaned his motorcycle to the production of VCA's Car Wash Angels.
"Well don't make him out to be a saint just yet," the colleague said.
Yet another, when asked for a photo of Dough, snarked, "It's a sad day for America."
I'm reminded that Asia Carrera's husband wasn't dead a day before Internet wags started talking about her supposed gambling addiction.
I am currently in Austin, TX (where they execute the retarded). If I happen to die in a pedal steel guitar accident, I sure hope that my death will get at least two days' head start on the jokes.
Dough leaves behind a wife, Monique DeMoan, and a four-year-old daughter.
Report: Women counseled to stop looking at Gram while fellating others
Leah Lexington is making her scene partner jealous and hurt.
Don't think I don't know the effect I have on people, but I don't want to rub it in anyone's face (well, it depends on what the "it" is), either. So when I see thousands of women a year wantonly staring at me when they should be servicing someone else I feel sorry. It has ceased to be a feather in my cap.
To make it worse, I don't wear a cap.
The latest infraction is Mercenary's blowjob opus (or "blopus") Ironhead 8. You'd think that with two "sorry" boxes required to cover that which is in her mouth Lexington would have something else to look at but me, but old habits die hard.
Joining Lexington in her disregard for the vanity of her male costars are Pinky, Beauty, Bailey Monroe, Nefertiti Dior, Veronica Stone, Leah Lexington, Victoria Sweet, Cheyenne Hunter, Felony, and Tanya Hardin.
You know who's a swell person? That Flower Tucci. Always a kind word, always a pleasure to see. And she squirts! But it's not like she puts that or all her numerous random skills on a business card; she's old school.
So many of those "Win a Date with a Porn Star" contests go south (literally - the "porn star" usually turns out to be Mike South) that it was heartwarming to see that Lethal Hardcore came through on its "Win A Date with Sunny Lane" contest.
The winner, it turns out, was adult message board contributor Jon from Arizona, pictured here outside the place the two went to see Ted Nugent.
Gary "Cars" Numan was also performing. Why did Lethal Hardcore owner Stoney Curtis choose the Motor City Madman instead?
"'When in doubt/I whip it out' is more appealing than 'Here in my car/I can lock all my doors' to Lethal Hardcore's aggressive, take-charge audience," said spokesmodel Wayne Hentai.
"And might Jon's involvement as a reviewer in the online adult community have had anything to do with his winning the date?" I asked, probing.
"No," Hentai replied, "Stoney didn't know."
Jon woke up at dawn's crack on February 22 to write the following Lane-snagging essay:
Love is probably the wrong word...lust fits in nicely. Like too. But one thing I love about Sunny is her passion with which she shoots a scene. I never feel like she\'s \"faking\" it. The smile and enthusiasm she brings to porn are both very appreciated by me and I hope she\'s around for quite a while.
I find this essay suspect, because it closely resembles the following "My Hero" essay young Gramito Ponante wrote in third grade:
Michael Jordan\'s contributions to athletics are very much appreciated by me. The smile and enthusiasm he brings to the NBA are also very much appreciated (by me). I hope \"Air Jordan\" is around for quite a while.
I never did date Michael Jordan, much less Gary Numan.
Like many people in the adult world, tasty Brazilian Paola Rey has been the victim of porn's version of identity theft; her domain name was swiped before she thought to claim it herself. While this happens more frequently on the hated MySpace, at least in that forum it's fairly easy to take a site down.
Everyone from Lynn LeMay to Lexington Steele to, well, just about every porn star you know has had his/her brush with uprooting a squatter.
Rey hired an attorney and a private detective, she wrote in The Erotic Review, to track down the squatter on ClubPaolaRey.com, and it turns out to be Keith O'Connor, dismissed principal of Defiance Pictures.
She writes:
After hiring a lawyer and a private dectective, we found out that Keith O'Connor is the person behind the ClubPaolaRey.com and other illegal sites. The company he worked for, Defiance Films, has fired him and responded to our lawyer's (Edward Hayes) inquiry about the site and they informed us that Keith had been using unauthorized material. He also had lied to them saying that all of the porn stars he had sites for were sharing in the revenue.
ClubPaolaRey.com is now redirected to another porn star's site which, needless to say, is owned by Mr. O'Connor.
Keith O'Connor has served time for fraud in the past, while living in NJ. In my opinion, it doesn't seem like he learned his lesson. According to my lawyer, if convicted again, he might be looking at several years in prison. I just hope that he is aware of the consequences and take further action in shutting down the official fake site completely nor using the same domain name to be redirected to another site.
I cannot comment on these events other than to say that, without fail, every article I ghostwrite for adult trade publications involves parties that are wanted by the law.
Shane's World, which has made a name for itself by invading colleges and en-sexing them, announced that it is extending the directing contract of Penny Flame.
While many porn personalities have neither graduated from college nor attended one, many college graduates can't even get a job at Burger King. The best business class one could ever take is from a porn star negotiating her rate. That is why Shane's World provides both a great service and the means to undermine the nation's institutions of higher learning.
If college kids are behaving like porn stars, and porn stars have, in general, an acute nose for business, shouldn't everyone be in porn?
(I'm just feeling bad because my alumni magazine won't put me on the cover with Jesse Jane.)
So I'm talking a lot about Dana DeArmond lately. What's the problem with that? She owes me money.
Anyway, Ms. DeArmond is involved with Ultimate Surrender, a female Greco-Roman wrestling site (albeit with dildos and a lack of cauliflower ears) belonging to the Kink.com family of Frisco-based filthiness that also includes WiredPussy and FuckingMachines.
I have recruited corn-fed Dana DeArmond in my quest to kill MySpace.
"You said that my MySpace friends weren't my real friends," she complained.
"That's not true," I replied. "I said that your MySpace friends were far more likely to actually be your friends than mine were."
She was over at Gram Ponante Towers, Helipad, Aviary, and Bleaching Pond and we had just finished playing Battleship in the tub. "I mean, seriously," I said. "Look at this guy. Do you think he's really my friend? He just showed up one day."
"Maybe?" she said. At that moment a reporter came by to ask her the correct spelling of her name. She complied, and then said: "You can check it on the Internet."
Maybe DeArmond's sunny outlook is the reason the Internet has not been cruel to her like it has been to me. Can I ever love again?
"You need to help me," I said. "I need to bring MySpace down from within. How do I do it?"
DeArmond has over 218,000 MySpace friends. I have 142.
"You need to post a picture of a girl as your profile," she said.
"Not my own face?" I asked.
"No, a girl."
"What about me with a girl?"
"JUST A GIRL."
"Fine."
"OK then."
"Good."
"What else?"
"What bands do you like?" she asked.
"I really like Gordon Lightfoot."
She sighed. "I like Fugazi and Jawbreaker and Elvis Costello. You put up bands and people want to link to you."
"I like those concerns as well," I said.
Dana gets MySpace messages like, "Thanks for being you." I get messages like, "Can I smell your fingers?"
I asked her how much time she spends on MySpace.
"Hours," she said.
"Seven? Eight?"
"Sometimes."
"A day?"
"Yes."
"What should I not do in trying to win MySpace friends and influence their adding me?"
"Don't message people and ask 'What's up?" or "What are you doing?' The answer is 'I'm reading e-mail. What do you think I'm doing?' and then I hit Delete."
Despite her Disney-dancing background, talk of poor MySpace etiquette caused a shadow to cross her face.
"And don't send chain letters to people," she said. "Don't get on that whore train."
"I don't know, Dana. It all seems like so much. I worry about Elvis Costello now that he's remarried. Might everything go south again?"
Like all members of the adult community, I am shocked and saddened that Pluto has been demoted to "dwarf planet" status.
The current lineup, in order of average distance from the Sun, is Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune.
As Porn's Official Spokesman, then, I offer a few ways for adult personalities to remember the new planetary order should they be interviewed on Charlie Rose or Talk of the Nation: Science Friday.
The 50 per cent rise in crime in West Porn Valley, detailed in an L.A. Times article about Pulp Fiction-style "takeover" robberies at restaurants, supposes that the same gang is responsible for 50 of the heists, one of which involved a fatality.
At no time in the three-year spate of robberies, however, has the Lamplighter been hit.
The four Lamplighter restaurants are the gathering places for Porn's notables, where deals are struck, and where dreams come true.
"Lunch at the Lamplighter?" "Blow me." "If that's what it takes."
I found it odd that porn's Algonquin had been spared all this time, until I thought that the perps are probably moonlighting from their jobs at affiliate programs.
With DVD sales dwindling across the industry, now more than ever companies are vying for the elusive Satanist dollar.
"Useless prayers of lies/Behold Satan's rise," intoned Vivid-steve dark overlord Eon Azagthoth McKai as he greeted guests at Hollywood's Beauty Bar.
The occasion was the release of Skater Girl Fever, featuring Devil's concubines Kimberly Kane and Charlotte Stokely.
While it is well-known the adult business owes its allegiance equally to Satan and the Gambino family, never before has a company made such a naked attempt to ingratiate itself to the followers of Lucifer.
"People who come with skate gear or who come dressed in Satanic regalia will get a free copy of Skater Girl Fever which, when played on a VCR, spells Satan Girl Fever of Eternal Torment," McKai said, drinking from a goblet of Suicide Girl blood.
Fittingly, newly-baptized ClubSatan director DCypher came dressed as himself and Gia Jordan showed up as Lucifer's Fishwife.
Kimberly Kane demonically caused the dark-colored linoleum squares to alternate with the light ones. I asked her why I never saw her in the presence of partner Jack the Zipper.
"He doesn't come out much," she said, which is code for He is Cavorting in the Shadow World with Satan's Imps.
I talked with Skater director Dave Naz and the infernal Ashley Blue. Blue and I had the following dialogue from the Roman Catholic Church's Rite of Exorcism:
Blue: Do you like martinis?
PentaGram: Yes.
Blue: Would you like a martini?
PentaGram: Yes, but I will not have one. I'm not drinking.
Naz explained he had never read a porn script before writing his own.
"Heretic!" I screamed. "I cast you out!" Vena Virago's consort Trevor, celebrating his 13th anniversary in Los Angeles, won the Anton Szandor LaVey lookalike contest.
So blasphemous were Charlotte Stokely and Malachi Ecks that their images could not appear on film. Stokely's visage in the Skater Girl Fever poster has driven viewers to gibbering madness.
"Vivid-steve is available to everyone," McKai explained. "Especially the damned. The kids really like Satan these days."
The ground below the Beauty Bar was scheduled to open up at 11 p.m. so I headed out to carve eldritch symbols in my skin. On the way I encountered Michelle Aston, Dominatrix, who had done so already.
"Lick the jukebox!" I commanded.
Outside, Alice Suicide read from a Necronomicon ringbinder as revelers writhed ritualistically on Cahuenga Blvd., spraying their spendings on the Karma Coffeehouse, which is owned jointly by Emerson College and the estate of Aleister Crowley.
"Won't you ride my white horse?" she wailed.
"Whatevs," I said. "Just don't ask me what Alt means."
I asked McKai if the company's renewed commitment to Satanism had resulted in any other business deals.
"We're giving Tom Cruise and Paula Wagner a wing over at Pulse," he said. "Our contracts are shorter than the Scientologists'."
Like the MX Missile being dubbed "The Peacemaker" by the Reagan Administration, I have always thought there was a lot of wishful thinking behind naming the Mordor-worthy slag heap south of Los Angeles the City of Industry.
Regardless, one of my favorite people (but does she even know I exist?), Trina Michaels, will be performing down there Thursday through Saturday at the Spearmint Rhino.
Since I have only photographed her and we haven't shared Merlot over a fresh-killed quail (red wine is inappropriate for game birds), it might be all projection that I think Michaels has a sadder-but-wiser, just-got-done-crying, leaving-my-boyfriend-for-Gram quality about her.
"Actually, I'm quite happy-go-lucky," she might say, "and am leaving the adult industry - and indeed the City of Industry - to become a large-animal veterinarian."
As you know, MySpace is a blight and it's killing our fish and ducks. Every animated GIF-happy reprobate has a MySpace page and they spend hours changing their font color to the hue of their background images, adding public domain music they somehow feel describes them ("I load slowly"), posting bulletins about their rave nights, and advertising their blog entries about how they rawk and how kewl they are. It makes me sick.
That is why I have created my own MySpace page, so that I might kill it.
This same technique worked for Friendster and the DivX format; as soon as I adopted the technology, it began going downhill. I'm hoping to do the same for Plaxo, LinkedIn, and the Republican Party; I join, they fail. It is not lost on me that porn DVD sales are down since I began reviewing them.
So help me, won't you? Request I add you as a friend, complain that you're not in my top 24, send me naked pictures. Our interest will kill it. XPeeps is next.
Vivid-steve's Skater Girl Fever (hint: the fever makes you stare blankly from your boxcover) will be celebrated with a bash at Cahuenga Blvd.'s Beauty Bar tonight at 8. Stars Charlotte Stokely and Kimberly Kane plan to attend, as does director Dave Naz.
You are powerless to oppose the alt-slaught, so take time off from your solitary evening thumbing through Utne Reader at the newstand up the street and drop by; it won't kill you.
The following exchange did not transpire on the set of Hustler's Christmas in Memphis (the first Christmas-themed movie in Hustler's history, this reporter was told):
Evan Stone: I implore you to read GramPonante.com Memphis Monroe: Fine! I will! Will you please stop choking me?
All I'm saying is that companies that allow their male employees to dress that way don't employ secretaries; they employ receptionists. Who answer the phone "Corporate Office" or "Video".
I notice that it is the white guys in the picture who seem to be missing the point. The worshipful man on the floor looks like he's in for a rude awakening when the object of his adoration gets treated most roughly, and the guy to the left is redundantly clutching a piece of Victoria Sweet's bra.
Hustler has parted ways amicably with the VHS format, announcing last week that the fittingly-retro Britney Rears 3: Helical-Scan Gang Bang would be the last of the company's titles to be released on tape.
"I always thought VHS stood for Very Hot Sex," Flynt did not say, "but with my giant-killing capabilities I have re-dubbed it Virtually-Hobbled Sitting Duck."
"What about that extra D?" I didn't ask, nowhere near him at the time.
"D is for Douchebag," he continued. "Stop making shit up."
Consumer VHS format was introduced by Sony in 1976. Adult's early adoption of VHS versus Beta not only drove sales but also helped to legitimize the format, and made dirty movies accessible to millions of people who would otherwise have had to rub shoulders in video stores with people who would later go on to hang out in chatrooms.
Dear Gang (and when I say "Gang", I mean it in the fondest SoCal sense of the word, with prison time),
In that working in this industry is a 24-hour vacation, it is hard to assess the value of an actual vacation. I'll only say that these guest bloggers did an outstanding job and kept me hugely entertained when I bothered to check on my own site.
It was easy to point to all the differences between what I do for a living and what I did to get away from it for a few weeks, but when my little 18-year-old cousin showed up to a family reunion with a boob job she'd gotten as a graduation present, I knew it was safe to go home.
Above is a rare photo of me with porn stars (I'm in the middle). It was taken with Sandee Westgate and Puma Swede at the Temptation Awards just a few weeks ago. That was a very heady time in the adult industry, marking possibly the highest evolution of this business, yet I look bloated and pale. That has all changed, as I am now svelte and tan.
Hey Gram fans! Ron Royster back to another Casual Friday here at Gram’s house of fun.
As promised, today I have some of my personal pictures for your enjoyment, but first I have Kami Andrews and Mika Tan's 6 Weird Things. It was due last week, but arrived yesterday, which make it before the deadline if you are PST (Pornchick Standard Time).
Mika Tan is a porn chick who is not only VERY intelligent, but is a wild ass dancer as well. Proof can be found on the opening and closing credits of Atomic Vixens. She is the hardest working performer that I've met in the industry and I'm amazed at how nice she is to everybody. 1. My grandmother told me that my mother was doing LSD and cocaine up until 4 months into her pregnancy, because she didn't know she was pregnant -- which would explain at a lot of things. %-P
2. There are photos of me dancing at 9 months. Apparently, I started walking early and used to break into a run when I started to lose balance. After the second concussion, I was required to wear a helmet. I stopped after my first couple beatings in the 1st grade.
3. At 7, my cousin Tammy and I were seeing who could spit out cherry pits the furthest. My cousin was winning so I decided to shove one in my nose to see if it would go farther. It sure did...farther UP, landing me in the emergency room.
4. My older sister and I used to play Army vs VC (our version of Cowboys and Indians) with my cousins and I would always end up as the Vietnamese POW. When I was 10, they once duct taped me and tossed me in the bushes and then forgot where they tossed me. I heard my dad calling, but couldn't answer with the gag in my mouth. I wiggled out of the dense brush behind my grandmother's ranch sometime after dinnertime. And so was the beginning of my DiD/BDSM training. HAHA!
5. My grandmother used to own three massage parlors. (Yes, those kind) I grew up around beautiful scantily-clad women all the time. I had my 4th birthday party at one of her parlors and a photo has a woman in the background wearing just bikini bottoms.
6. I was a volunteer at the animal shelter in high school as a community service requirement for the National Honor Society. I ended up taking home 9 cats and 6 dogs. In handling the animals, I developed a strange rash, which was diagnosed as sarcoptic mange. The doctor advised I bathe with a flea and tick shampoo, which worked. The dermatologist said humans aren't typically afflicted with mange! I know I can be a bitch, but I still am not sure how to take that...
Kami Andrews is a porn star from Pittsburgh. She is a Pisces and has a distaste for people who send her penis pictures (I already TOLD you that I'm sorry, Darlin'.) But Gram swears I might get lucky with her if I have enough Barry White and PBR to wear her down with.. Goats are my favorite animal. I have always wanted a pet goat and to this day it's one of the few dreams I still have.
I leave my Steelers Belly Button ring in when I dance in Cleveland. it makes me feel less guilty about liking Cleveland.
I have a fetish for breath play
I really really hate having my face touched. It's a deal breaker.
The first 7 guys I fucked were named Mike.
I will never spend more than 39.95 on a purse.
I love taking picture so here's a few from my collection:
Where ever we went, trouble seemed to follow my crew members. From someone shooting at Buck in Las Vegas during AVN (complete with bullet hole in the rental SUV) to Chester who had women THROW themselves at/on him. This one was VELLY ANGLEE!
Ever wonder what kind of luxury digs adult film directors live in? Back when I used to be allowed over to Eon'shouse (don't worry, he swears we are still friends) and before he became the king of everything, I was lucky enough to catch this shot. The purple stuff on the right is his beautiful girlfriend Alice's attempt at a home hair dye job run amuck. I have a great shot of their cat, but alas, his giblets are hanging out, and I think I could be arrested by the FBI for that. In fact I'm deleting it off my computer just in case.....
AHHH, anyone who ever attended our Douche-less Karaoke shows would always be amazed when they stepped up to the bar for first time to be greeted with "Don't be bastard! Buy me drink and maybe we chubba-chubba later". I was lucky enough to catch her launching a scud on her co-worker who was pretty much, running for her life...........
Is Gram smiling because: 1) He's standing next to the prettiest girl in the world. 2) He's toasting her with a drink I BOUGHT HIM? 3) He just saved a bundle on his car insurance?
For whatever reason, I am obsessed with Jesse Jane's mouth. I would love to feed her some lentil soup.
Speaking of mouths, Lexy Foxx said her tonsils itched. Maybe it's because she's sitting next to Ron Jeremy.
Here is Lacie Heart. I don't remember even taking this picture, but later I became entranced by it. She was the inspiration for Atomic Vixens. I told her this when she showed up to shoot the movie and she calmly said "Great, but I'm not doing anal......."
When I used to make movies for Adam & Eve, I went to Florida to make Pornocopia. I got to employ my pal, Lil' Diva from Atlanta. EVERYONE fell in love with her. While filming the Cupid scene, she accidentally launched an arrow into the middle of a populated area. With any luck, I plan on taking her to AVN next year to re-enact that.
When I tried a dramatic recreation of this picture, Mika Tan put me into traction for the next 3 weeks. Sheesh, some guys have ALL the luck.
Benny Profane shows me on how to negotiate the particulars out with large adult video companies
If there is one thing my crew DOES know how to do, it's have a good time. Here they are accepting free drinks from the most beautiful girl in the world.
Mofo (blue shirt) was one of the first people I met in the adult business (even though he wasn't really in it yet). We have hung out several times and he's never punched me. He did choke me into unconsciousness once, but he swears it was an accident.
This concludes my Casual Friday's reports for now. Gram will be back next week so we'd better start cleaning up now.
Get Me a Motherfucking Snake for this Motherfucking Drain
You may be asking yourself, "What does a production manager on a porn set do exactly?" In pursuit of the answer to that question, I talked to Travis Nestor at Zero Tolerance and he told me this heartwarming story.
While I am not visiting Texas with native daughter Jesse Jane, I do notice that the six flags are all flying at full staff in her honor.
