Devinn Lane's Guide to Strap-on Sex debuts in March with Kurt Lockwood receiving the business end of a strap-on from Sandra Romain and Samantha Ryan.

I have never met Kurt Lockwood. I have only seen the sort of stuff he writes and the kind of feuds he gets into. I also hear that his band is very good. I can't imagine getting strap-onned can be helpful for his protests of "I'm not gay."

It reminds me of this old story:

Sam -- a now elderly man who's been successful in life takes his nephew on a drive around the city in which the uncle has built his life. "Junior", the old man says, "I built that bridge -- but do they call me 'Sam the Bridge Builder'? No. Look, I sponsored that theatre. Do they call me 'Sam, the Patron of the Arts? No. There, see that childrens' park? I paid for that. Do they call me, 'Sam, the philanthropist?' NO! But you suck one cock ...

Previously: Not the Kurt Lockwoods
See also: Shane's World

Labels: kurt lockwood

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

A person performing under the name Tera Patrick will be dancing the three nights of SuperBowl weekend at a bar called the Flight Club in Inkster, MI.

This gig will be in opposition to Vivid labelmate Jenna Jameson's Friday party in Detroit.

"Tera will be signing autographs and posing for pictures in addition to her two, live, topless shows at 9 and 11 p.m. each night,” Flight Club manager Alan Markovitz said, adding fuel to rumors that Tera is being kept in a vegetative state in a lab somewhere. Why else would he feel the need to emphasize that she was alive? Aren't most performers alive?

It is hard to know whom to believe anymore.

Tera's people mention that Patrick won the Best Actress Award at the Cannes Film Festival (a film festival held near Cannes, anyway) and that invited guests to her dance show include Tommy Lee, Eminem, and Diddy.

In other news, I have invited Our Lord Jesus Christ to my birthday party. Representatives for the Messiah were enthusiastic but noncommital.

Previously: Tera begins open relationship, Tera on tenure track with Vivid
See also: Teravision

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | 2 Comments Links to this post

I still don't understand the concept of Digital Playground's My First Porn series, no matter how many times director Robby D. and his skatepunk friends come over my house and trash the barbecue.

This week's edition is volume 3 and stars Teagan Presley, Austin Kincaid, and Katja Kassin. God bless each of them, but it's been a long time since they had a "first" anything. If a porn consumer believes that this movie is any of these actresses' first porn, then I am going to put a plaid skirt on my 1978 Volkswagen and sell it to you new.

Naturally, as director D. points out through an intermediary, the series is not about the girls' first porn, but is a spinoff of "the multi-awarded Jack’s Playground™ and Jack’s Teen America™ series’, showing everyone the comedic sex-spectacle of true, behind-the-scenes porn direction."

While I still don't get it, I just hate it when feelings get hurt.™

Founded in 1993, Digital Playground is the filmmakers' company.

Previously: Jack's Teen America and the mentally ill, Lanny Barby in a bodybag, What is happening to my Teagan?
See also: My First Porn 3 trailer

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

My own inner Donald Sutherland shrieked and pointed when JennaCorp International today announced that The Jameson is breaking into my iPod.

Fans with video iPods or the latest version of iTunes on their computers can download free trailers featuring surprise Starlet of the Year McKenzie Lee as well as Nikita Denise in Nikita's Extreme Idols. Nikita's was the name I was trying to remember the other day when I talked about characters on Bullwinkle.

Access the podcasts here.

Previously: Jameson: the end is near, Win used panties
See also: ClubJenna

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Raconteur and style consultant Tristan Taormino has launched Smart Ass Productions with the aim of providing "real orgasms for everyone" (mine arrived in the mail).

"The ass is the site of all things intense on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level," Taormino said. "Free your ass and your mind will follow."

Taormino recently completed Tristan Taormino's House of Ass, shooting Joanna Angel, Justine Joli, Mr. Marcus, and Scott Nails at a weekend retreat in a secret mountaintop location. The movie, which features Angel's first interracial scene, will be released by Adam & Eve on February 24.

"I like to create an environment where there is no pressure. Hang out! Eat good food! (And by good, I mean good. Not some cold burrito from El Pollo Loco. Sit in the hot tub! In H of A, it really helped people relax and forget
about the cameras."

House of Ass was shot reality-TV style.

"Joanna was in the Confessional talking about being new to the industry. She said she's never fucked a black guy before in her personal life, so she told her agency she did not do interracial.

Then she questioned herself (on camera), thinking maybe it was fucked up. But she concluded she would rather do it first off-camera. The next day, I saw the two of them flirting. She told me she was into him. I said, 'okay, do you want to do something about it?' The next thing I know, he's fucking her in the ass. (OK, it didn't happen that fast, there was a lot of warm up, including some play with a hand turned wooden dildo. Lots of coats of a vegetable-based, non-toxic polyurethane-like substance, so no worries - no splinters.)"

Taormino is keeping her options open vis a vis production companies, having worked not only with Adam & Eve but also with John Stagliano and Evil Angel on two editions of the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women in 1999 and 2001. She wants to work in New York, but definitely not in the San Fernando Valley.

I asked with whom she wants to work in the future and she demurred ( a trait common to the asstastic).

"I am tight-lipped in the mouth, but not in the butt," she said.

Taormino played the regal and informed Geena Davis to my catty and shrill Joan Rivers for the AVN Red Carpet Fashion Roundup.

Previously: Carly's Naked Ambition, Joanna Angel signs with Pulse, Welcome Village Voice readers
See also: Pucker Up

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

What is the difference between Hustler's Butt Fucked (starring Tyla Wynn, pictured) and sister (slap) daughter (slap) company VCA's Ass Fukt?

Is it the same difference as between pants and slacks?

When I find out, you can be goddamn sure I will let you know.

Previously: City of Ass Fukt, The fukt you say, Twice as Fukt
See also: Hustler Video, VCA

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, January 30, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

"Can you make a beer run?"

It was Saturday morning and Missy Monroe was in a tutu and Kami Andrews was flouncing around in an elegant white two-piece number, but this time it wasn't at my house, it was on a set.

Because Porn Valley is a subdivision of the sprawling Ponante Ranch, I rode my bike to the set of Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party. That and I had a feeling I might be unfit to drive later. It was just a feeling.

I met the Glamazon Tylene Buck, who looked like a statue under which an occupying army might march. "My name is Brandi Wylde, as of today," she said.

"Do you want beer, too?" I asked, watching a small amount of body fat shriek and explode when it got within a foot of her.

"No," she said.

Missy Monroe gave me her car keys and her ATM card ("today I became a suitcase pimp," I thought). There was a small fight between Andrews and Monroe over who would pay. I knew that they were beginning to fall in love. I peeled out from the parking lot in search of a place that would sell alcohol to a person like me.

I found a place on the northeast corner of Sherman Way (named after Mr. Peabody's boy. The Valley also plays host to Edward Everett Horton Way and I understand the new bus system will be called the Bullwinkle line) and De Soto, flashed Missy's empty box of Marlboros to see if the store had the same brand, picked up some Magnum 40s for Kami and a six-pack of Guinness bottles for Missy.

I wasn't asked for ID and I scrawled some unrecognizable name on Missy's ATM receipt. I left with bottles clinking at 11 in the morning. The only way I could be more of an example of what's wrong with America would be to steal an election and back over a child on the way out. Check and check.

Back on set, the place was buzzing. The Pussy Party has an eight-girl format. The day starts with solo scenes, moves into 2-on-2 scenes, 4-on-4 scenes, and then a free-for-all at the end.

Cousin Stevie moved to California from Brooklyn in 1971. He's 63. When his cousin, Adam Glasser (aka Seymore Butts) began shooting porn, he invited Stevie, who previously had run offices and marketed computers, to help with his business. This is all documented in Showtime's Family Business which I have never seen because I fear watching The L Word by mistake.

I don't really know Cousin Stevie, other than he's always giving the finger to the camera, but I like him immensely in person.

"A big black guy came up to me at the convention and said he was scared to approach me because he thought I was going to punch him in the mouth," he said. "People believe whatever they see on television."

The other actresses were running around the small dressing room as Stevie explained my responsibilities as a judge, handing me a photocopied sheet of criteria, such as Lingerie (Missy already won that category as soon as I opened the door), Best Body, "How Well Eat Pussy" (an Ang Lee film), and Pleasure Others. It was this last category that made me think the shoot was going to be a successful one.

"In the first few Pussy Partys," Stevie said, "we had all eight girls together from the beginning. It's more effective now that we build it up gradually."

The dynamic between the eight girls was interesting to watch off camera. For me, the most successful performances came from people who didn't become unrecognizable when the camera turned on.

I found Taryn Thomas asleep on a couch, Monica Sweetheart reading an InTouch magazine about the Brangelina triangle, Erika Kole telling anyone who would listen about her AVN pre-nomination for a Jamie Gillis blowjob, Amber Peach listening quietly, Missy and Kami ruling the roost, Brandi tolerating people asking to bounce quarters off her, and Vivian West sort of acting as the median porn girl.

I had never met Vivian West before. If the current trend in porn girls runs from demure and pretty, like Monica Sweetheart and Jana Cova, to utterly wild and dissolute, like Kami and Missy (and I mean that in the best way), Vivian was right in the middle. She was the day's dark horse.

Having no male talent on hand (I would have jumped in, but the day wasn't about me), and having the nurturing, maternal, and utterly filthy influence of PurePlay's April Storm on hand made the environment comfortable. The actresses themselves seemed to be most attracted to Amber Peach, whom they wanted to corrupt, and Brandi Wylde, whom they wanted to scale like the Empire State Building.

Nice Guy Rick Plank of Phallix Glass was, along with April Storm, a fellow judge. He supplied the dildonics for the festivities, all of which looked splendid as they appeared and reappeared from the marketable parts of some of today's tastiest porn actresses. Over the course of the day, we had to award each of the performers up to 150 points for all the categories.

I guess I'm not allowed to say who eventually won and placed, but I only violently disagreed with one of the three awards, and I can see that was because of my own personal preference in Ladies.

Taryn Thomas was the one casualty of the day. She went home prior to the eight-way scene complaining of soreness.

"Where do we put the toys when they're dirty?" Erika Kole asked at one point.

"In my ass," Thomas replied ruefully.

Monica Sweetheart is from the Czech Republic city of Beroun. She told me that the Czech word for pussy was pipinka while the Slovak word was shushka. I asked her which word she preferred.

"Pipinka," she said. I, too, feel that shushka hints at an oppressive regime.

During Sweetheart's scene with Brandi Wylde, Erika Kole crawled across the carpet for some pipinka action. She was shooed away by Cousin Stevie.

"Monica has the nicest little cookie," she told me, then added that she was pre-nommed for a Jamie Gillis blowjob scene.

Kami and Missy, with some help from Vivian, were the wildest performers of the day (though Amber had a very convincing yell). The quote of the day came from Missy who, in response to Cousin Stevie's remark that she looked like an ice skater in her tutu, replied, "I'm ice skating for your cock."

No one knew what this meant, least of all Missy, but it needs to be the title of Michelle Kwan's autobiography.

The runner-up quote went to human vibrator Vivian West (she makes this noise with her tongue - oh my God) who, upon inspecting a battery-operated toy, said, "Glad I don't own one of these because I'd live in a box and eat my own pussy all day."

In the green room I asked Kami a question that explains why I'm not a drag queen.

"Why do porn girls and strippers all wear high heels?"

"Observe," she said, "and shut off the camera."

She proceeded to slip out of her Lucite heels and stood barefoot on the carpet. She frowned and put her hands on her hips. She looked ready to take on all comers.

Then she got back in her heels and smiled radiantly.

"It makes your legs look longer and your body straightens out," she said. I could only see that she was smiling in one pose and frowning in the other; the eight parts of Kami's anatomy that I find so fascinating were there both times.

"I am going to kidnap Kami and put her in a cage," Monroe said, "and only let her out to fuck once a day."

"I'm available most afternoons," I said.

AVN's Mark Kernes, looking excellent after his tumultuous 2005, mentioned during one scene that Kami resembled Kyra Sedgwick. This validates my goal of providing her with several degrees of bacon.

The day ended with Missy ceremonially giving birth to an AVN award ("I'm just happy to have beat JM," Stevie said) and my fucking up getting Monica Sweetheart to leave my outgoing voicemail message. It would have been great had I actually saved it.

Previously: Stop a Second; I've Got You in My Eye, Put the Load right on me, By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be in Prague
See also: Pussy Party gallery, PurePlay Media

Labels: Cousin Stevie, erika kole, kami andrews, missy monroe, monica sweetheart, pussy party, remmet studio, WGL

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, January 30, 2006 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Today I will be the judge of Cousin Srevie's Pussy Party. I just got my robes back, making sure they allow easy access should I need to do some thoughtful gaveling.

The tentative cast list is as follows:

Erika Cole, Tylene Buck, Kami Andrews, Monica Sweetheart, Taryn Thomas , Vivian West, Missy Monroe, Amber Peach.

If at least three of those people show up, I'll consider the day a success.

Previously: The Flying Burrito Sisters, Cousin Stevie's Green Room
See also: PurePlay Media

posted by Gram the Man at Saturday, January 28, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I makes me sad that everything 2 LIve Crew fought for has come to this.

Rapper Kurupt is the latest hip-hop personality to appear in a porn video depicting what women will do to appear in a music video. In this town.

Uncut XXX, starring Sydnee Capri, Cherokee, Roxy Reynolds, Baby Girl (not an actual baby), and Melodee Bliss, follows girls auditioning for the former Dogg Pound member's "She Wants to Fuck" video as they learn the horrible truth about what is really involved in the world of casting.

"Just because the video is called 'She Loves to Fuck' and the only wardrobe requirement was thong underwear, Lucite heels, and melon body spray doesn't mean we would consider having sex with a member of Kurupt's posse, family, or record label," one of the actresses involved didn't say to a judge.

Previously: Porn consumers speak: Not enough pimps
See also: VCA

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 27, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

As Jeff Lebowski said to Bunny: "I'm just gonna go find a cash machine."

Previously: What is happening to my Teagan?
See also: XXXEscortDevon
Thanks for the tip: Dependable Skeleton

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 27, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

That one in the back has to be the biggest anal hooker I've ever seen.

Previously: By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be in Prague
See also: Defiance Films

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 27, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

As you know, I alone flit effortlessly betweeen the competing social circles of the pornerati. So I might alight on a Steveporn party here or a glossy couples'porn party there, be a stunt cock in a Max Hardocre eyesocket-fucking video, or hang around with some Internet messageboard types and think up nuisance lawsuits all day. It's great!

Here is my report from the recent Neu Wave Hookers release party and April Storm's 5th Annual Porn to Rock party.

Previously: XBiz awards: short and full of snacks, Carmella Bing: a rack in the back, How to party with models
See also: Neu Wave Hookers, PurePlay Media

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 27, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

From a recent press release:

The numbers don't lie, which suggests that there can be no doubt about it; xxxxxx has found the winning formula!

You're right - the numbers don't lie, so the blame has to go elsewhere.

Previously: Continuing education credits

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, January 27, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I talked with Joanna Angel today about her new deal with VCA, in which she will direct five films and appear in "about" ten others ("depending on how I feel about it," she said).

I was worried that the contract would mean she'd leave Brooklyn and move to LA. It would be like taking a beautiful tropical fish out of its expensively-maintained aquarium and putting it in another expensively-maintained aquarium that was not full of water but full of jelly.

"I couldn't do that," she said. "I'll be making all five movies here in New York and a lot of the VCA films I'll be in will be shot here, too."

Her mouth was full for part of our conversation. So was mine, because I am an empathetic listener, as well as America's Porn Journalist.

"What are you eating?" I probed.

"A veggie burrito with broccoli," she said. "It's from the only good burrito place in New York (Yola's on Lorimar Street). But I don't think brocccoli is appropriate to go with a burrito."

"Is it crunchy?"

"No. It's not too crunchy, and it's not steamed to the point that it's soggy. I just don't think it's right. But it's a pretty good consistency for a burrito."

As part of her plan with VCA/LFP, Angel will also dance at Hustler clubs. She was a dancer before getting on this porn merry-go-round.

"I would make maybe $20 or $30 when I was on stage," she said, "but the real money came from being in the VIP booth with sweaty guys. I would rather be dancing."

We are, all of us, cursed with a dual nature.

"But I would pay the DJ extra so he wouldn't put me in the dance rotation so I could spend all my time making money in the back," she said.

"You could pay the DJ to get you out of dancing?"

"You can pay people for anything," she said.

I asked what would happen to BurningAngel.com, the company she started with Rutgers pal/henchman Mitch, if she was going to be spending all her time with Flynties.

"Burning Angel won't die," she said. "In fact, I will be taking it with me wherever I go. I was upset that the Burning Angel name wasn't displayed in the places I was signing at the AVN convention, and I let them know that. That will change now."

So Angel will be delivering films for VCA, which they will distribute and pay her for, and will be creating content with Burning Angel that will be distributed by Pulse.

"Having a distributor makes things a lot easier," she said. "We had Burning Angel DVDs in the apartment that were even blocking the TV. So it's good to have someone taking care of that."

VCA VP of sales and marketing, the kindly and James Liptonesque Peter Reynolds, is deliriously happy. "We work well together, Joanna and VCA," he said. "We like the same music, too."

Reynolds confirms that Joanna's Angels 2 will be out on April 4.

Angel will next be in LA for an AIM Bingo benefit, she said, but hopes she can be here as early as Valentine's Day. "James Deen and I can finally say we're an item," she said.

Everything is finally working out for the plucky scrapper from Bergen County who once said that the only AVN award she wanted was for "Best Jew." (She now has a Most Outrageous Sex Scene for Repenetrator.)

"What are you drinking?"

"Cranberry juice. It's good to prevent urinary tract infections. It's really good for the pee-hole."

"Yes," I said. "But with all the cash you'll be pulling in, you can afford a pee=hole wrangler."

"We'll see," she said.

Previously: Joanna Angel signs with Pulse, Porn star diets, Ponante Blurbotron launches
See also: Burning Angel, VCA

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Leisure Time Digital has released How Pink Is My Pussy!, starring newcomer Fallon Summers.

Summers' eyes, I think, are within striking distance of those of Sophie Dee and Dillan Lauren.

Photoshop believes Ms. Summers' pussy is FF8894.

That's pretty pink!

Previously: Real Fucking Tits: Who goes there?, Desires: this time they're carnal
See also: Direct Video And DVD

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The notion of a title like The Pornographer not already being taken confused and overwhelmed me (and in fact there have been several titles with that name, a 2000 indie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, who really needs to consider the many perks our industry has to offer, as well as a French film from 2001), but this Hustler flick, directed by Andre Madness and featuring Hillary Scott (not Claire Robbins as I'd previously mentioned -thanks TyrionDwarf) on the cover (as well as Steve Austin, in a photo that looks like Russell Crowe had the phone hit him), looks fun.

Although it might be anything but fun Who knows? I only know Madness directed Whores Don't Wear Panties, and I liked that. If The Pornographer is a dark and brooding study of a man's search for himself and the existential dilemma of making money through the exploitation of others, then I will be forced to be sad.

The Pornographer also stars Eva Angelina, Cindy Crawford, Claire Robbins, and Chloe Dior.

Previously: Sex Trap: The sad state of our nation's nuns
See also: Hustler Video

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Favorite Bada Bing girl Gina Lynn will be dancing at Tens in Tucson this weekend and at the Zoo Bar in Detroit next weekend during Jenna Jameson's Super Bowl festivities.

Lynn and I went on a voyage of discovery together when she told me how she'd never realized the ardor of the foot fetish crowd until someone noticed her size 4 and 1/2 paws at an early photo shoot.

"I thought everyone was looking at my breasts," she said.

"You can't dance without feet," I said.

Previously: Gina Lynn's feet, Arch Enemies review
See also: Gina Lynn

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Anna Malle, who appeared in about 350 adult movies, died yesterday in Las Vegas. The car in which she was a passenger was hit by another car.

The Clark County Coroner's Office confirmed that the woman known legally as Anna Hotop, 38, was killed in the crash, which occurred off State Road 160 near Rainbow Blvd., and that an autopsy would be performed today.

Sources believe her car was hit by a drunk driver. The suspect is currently in custody.

Malle joined the industry in 1992 after being discovered via a swingers' group. She is pictured here flanked by Jill Kelly (l.) and Christi Lake on the September, 2000 cover of Fox Magazine. The accompanying pictorial featured Malle as the fiery wild girl, Kelly as the malt shop waitress, and Lake as the cheerleader.

"Anna was the town bad seed," began the pictorial setup. "She slept all day long, and only came out at night, driving her muffler-less jalopy over the back roads of the town, all the windows down, howling at the moon. She was trouble, oh yes, and everybody did their best to avoid her."

Roy Karch directed Malle in numerous movies.

"Anna Malle was one of the true great wild women of all time," he said. "As wild as she was on camera, she was as nice off camera. Just having her in the movie was a plus. She was bubbly and fun and sweet; one of the last few girls who really enjoyed her job in this business. She lived it and loved it."

Former AVN editor Rebecca Gray remembers Malle auditioning for Los Angeles theatre roles at the height of her porn fame. "She had a lot going on," Gray said, "and people really liked her."

Malle joins Linda Lovelace, Julie Robbins, and Britney Madison in the ranks of actresses who have recently died in car crashes.

We send our condolences to Anna's family, friends, and fans.

See also: Anna Malle, Malle's IAFD listing

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 4 Comments Links to this post

An Internet diploma mill of the type one encounters 30 times a day without a good spam blocker also has connections to child pornography.

Feds busted Kevin Pearson for having thousands of images of child porn on his computer in the course of investigating the Spokane man's role in a scam that printed phony diplomas for people like your loser cousin.

Pearson was indicted this week. It is not clear if the seven other people implicated in the diploma mill case were involved with child porn at all, but "12.5 percent of Internet scammers moonlight as child pornographers" doesn't sound unreasonable.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, January 26, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

... or, What if Jame Gumb directed a movie? See review here.

Previously: Corn-fed, Cornrows, The process
See also: VCA

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 25, 2006 | 0 Comments Links to this post

After several weeks of grueling confirmation hearings (Sen. Kennedy: "Mr. Ponante, would you use previous blowjobs as a litmus test for assigning higha scoahs to Pussy Pahty pahticipants?"), I have been selected as a judge for this weekend's Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party.

I asked previous winner (and returning contestant) Kami Andrews to describe the Pussy Party process.

"A pussy party is an erotic explosion of estrogen and Mexican food," she said. "It should not be missed under any circumstances."

I was worried about my credentials. What does one bring to a pussy party, aside from the obvious?

"You totally have all the credentials you need, what with having eyes and all," she said. I am also very particular about the dismount.

"I won the last one I was in, and I split the money with Julie Night and asked her to marry me," Andrews continued. "She said 'yes' , so I did the logical thing and never called her back, but my heart still aches for her."

Previously: Catching up with Kami, Texas' Asshole Massacre, Cousin Stevie's Green Room
See also: Kamiland

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, January 25, 2006 | 1 Comments Links to this post