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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Lockwood opens the pod bay doors for Devinn
 Devinn Lane's Guide to Strap-on Sex debuts in March with Kurt Lockwood receiving the business end of a strap-on from Sandra Romain and Samantha Ryan.I have never met Kurt Lockwood. I have only seen the sort of stuff he writes and the kind of feuds he gets into. I also hear that his band is very good. I can't imagine getting strap-onned can be helpful for his protests of "I'm not gay." It reminds me of this old story: Sam -- a now elderly man who's been successful in life takes his nephew on a drive around the city in which the uncle has built his life. "Junior", the old man says, "I built that bridge -- but do they call me 'Sam the Bridge Builder'? No. Look, I sponsored that theatre. Do they call me 'Sam, the Patron of the Arts? No. There, see that childrens' park? I paid for that. Do they call me, 'Sam, the philanthropist?' NO! But you suck one cock ... Previously: Not the Kurt Lockwoods See also: Shane's World Labels: kurt lockwood ¶ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post 
Source: Tera still alive
 A person performing under the name Tera Patrick will be dancing the three nights of SuperBowl weekend at a bar called the Flight Club in Inkster, MI.This gig will be in opposition to Vivid labelmate Jenna Jameson's Friday party in Detroit. "Tera will be signing autographs and posing for pictures in addition to her two, live, topless shows at 9 and 11 p.m. each night,” Flight Club manager Alan Markovitz said, adding fuel to rumors that Tera is being kept in a vegetative state in a lab somewhere. Why else would he feel the need to emphasize that she was alive? Aren't most performers alive? It is hard to know whom to believe anymore. Tera's people mention that Patrick won the Best Actress Award at the Cannes Film Festival (a film festival held near Cannes, anyway) and that invited guests to her dance show include Tommy Lee, Eminem, and Diddy. In other news, I have invited Our Lord Jesus Christ to my birthday party. Representatives for the Messiah were enthusiastic but noncommital. Previously: Tera begins open relationship, Tera on tenure track with Vivid See also: Teravision ¶ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 2 Comments Links to this post
My First Porn, my ass - update
 I still don't understand the concept of Digital Playground's My First Porn series, no matter how many times director Robby D. and his skatepunk friends come over my house and trash the barbecue.This week's edition is volume 3 and stars Teagan Presley, Austin Kincaid, and Katja Kassin. God bless each of them, but it's been a long time since they had a "first" anything. If a porn consumer believes that this movie is any of these actresses' first porn, then I am going to put a plaid skirt on my 1978 Volkswagen and sell it to you new. Naturally, as director D. points out through an intermediary, the series is not about the girls' first porn, but is a spinoff of "the multi-awarded Jack’s Playground™ and Jack’s Teen America™ series’, showing everyone the comedic sex-spectacle of true, behind-the-scenes porn direction." While I still don't get it, I just hate it when feelings get hurt.™ Founded in 1993, Digital Playground is the filmmakers' company. Previously: Jack's Teen America and the mentally ill, Lanny Barby in a bodybag, What is happening to my Teagan? See also: My First Porn 3 trailer ¶ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Pod people for Jenna
 My own inner Donald Sutherland shrieked and pointed when JennaCorp International today announced that The Jameson is breaking into my iPod.Fans with video iPods or the latest version of iTunes on their computers can download free trailers featuring surprise Starlet of the Year McKenzie Lee as well as Nikita Denise in Nikita's Extreme Idols. Nikita's was the name I was trying to remember the other day when I talked about characters on Bullwinkle. Access the podcasts here. Previously: Jameson: the end is near, Win used panties See also: ClubJenna ¶ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Taormino incorporates Ass
 Raconteur and style consultant Tristan Taormino has launched Smart Ass Productions with the aim of providing "real orgasms for everyone" (mine arrived in the mail)."The ass is the site of all things intense on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level," Taormino said. "Free your ass and your mind will follow." Taormino recently completed Tristan Taormino's House of Ass, shooting Joanna Angel, Justine Joli, Mr. Marcus, and Scott Nails at a weekend retreat in a secret mountaintop location. The movie, which features Angel's first interracial scene, will be released by Adam & Eve on February 24. "I like to create an environment where there is no pressure. Hang out! Eat good food! (And by good, I mean good. Not some cold burrito from El Pollo Loco. Sit in the hot tub! In H of A, it really helped people relax and forget about the cameras." House of Ass was shot reality-TV style. "Joanna was in the Confessional talking about being new to the industry. She said she's never fucked a black guy before in her personal life, so she told her agency she did not do interracial. Then she questioned herself (on camera), thinking maybe it was fucked up. But she concluded she would rather do it first off-camera. The next day, I saw the two of them flirting. She told me she was into him. I said, 'okay, do you want to do something about it?' The next thing I know, he's fucking her in the ass. (OK, it didn't happen that fast, there was a lot of warm up, including some play with a hand turned wooden dildo. Lots of coats of a vegetable-based, non-toxic polyurethane-like substance, so no worries - no splinters.)" Taormino is keeping her options open vis a vis production companies, having worked not only with Adam & Eve but also with John Stagliano and Evil Angel on two editions of the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women in 1999 and 2001. She wants to work in New York, but definitely not in the San Fernando Valley. I asked with whom she wants to work in the future and she demurred ( a trait common to the asstastic). "I am tight-lipped in the mouth, but not in the butt," she said. Taormino played the regal and informed Geena Davis to my catty and shrill Joan Rivers for the AVN Red Carpet Fashion Roundup. Previously: Carly's Naked Ambition, Joanna Angel signs with Pulse, Welcome Village Voice readers See also: Pucker Up ¶ Tuesday, January 31, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 30, 2006
Two roads converged in a butt
 What is the difference between Hustler's Butt Fucked (starring Tyla Wynn, pictured) and sister (slap) daughter (slap) company VCA's Ass Fukt?Is it the same difference as between pants and slacks? When I find out, you can be goddamn sure I will let you know. Previously: City of Ass Fukt, The fukt you say, Twice as Fukt See also: Hustler Video, VCA ¶ Monday, January 30, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Pussy Party: Day rate plus anal
 "Can you make a beer run?"It was Saturday morning and Missy Monroe was in a tutu and Kami Andrews was flouncing around in an elegant white two-piece number, but this time it wasn't at my house, it was on a set. Because Porn Valley is a subdivision of the sprawling Ponante Ranch, I rode my bike to the set of Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party. That and I had a feeling I might be unfit to drive later. It was just a feeling. I met the Glamazon Tylene Buck, who looked like a statue under which an occupying army might march. "My name is Brandi Wylde, as of today," she said. "Do you want beer, too?" I asked, watching a small amount of body fat shriek and explode when it got within a foot of her. "No," she said. Missy Monroe gave me her car keys and her ATM card ("today I became a suitcase pimp," I thought). There was a small fight between Andrews and Monroe over who would pay. I knew that they were beginning to fall in love. I peeled out from the parking lot in search of a place that would sell alcohol to a person like me. I found a place on the northeast corner of Sherman Way (named after Mr. Peabody's boy. The Valley also plays host to Edward Everett Horton Way and I understand the new bus system will be called the Bullwinkle line) and De Soto, flashed Missy's empty box of Marlboros to see if the store had the same brand, picked up some Magnum 40s for Kami and a six-pack of Guinness bottles for Missy. I wasn't asked for ID and I scrawled some unrecognizable name on Missy's ATM receipt. I left with bottles clinking at 11 in the morning. The only way I could be more of an example of what's wrong with America would be to steal an election and back over a child on the way out. Check and check. Back on set, the place was buzzing. The Pussy Party has an eight-girl format. The day starts with solo scenes, moves into 2-on-2 scenes, 4-on-4 scenes, and then a free-for-all at the end.  Cousin Stevie moved to California from Brooklyn in 1971. He's 63. When his cousin, Adam Glasser (aka Seymore Butts) began shooting porn, he invited Stevie, who previously had run offices and marketed computers, to help with his business. This is all documented in Showtime's Family Business which I have never seen because I fear watching The L Word by mistake.I don't really know Cousin Stevie, other than he's always giving the finger to the camera, but I like him immensely in person. "A big black guy came up to me at the convention and said he was scared to approach me because he thought I was going to punch him in the mouth," he said. "People believe whatever they see on television." The other actresses were running around the small dressing room as Stevie explained my responsibilities as a judge, handing me a photocopied sheet of criteria, such as Lingerie (Missy already won that category as soon as I opened the door), Best Body, "How Well Eat Pussy" (an Ang Lee film), and Pleasure Others. It was this last category that made me think the shoot was going to be a successful one. "In the first few Pussy Partys," Stevie said, "we had all eight girls together from the beginning. It's more effective now that we build it up gradually." The dynamic between the eight girls was interesting to watch off camera. For me, the most successful performances came from people who didn't become unrecognizable when the camera turned on. I found Taryn Thomas asleep on a couch, Monica Sweetheart reading an InTouch magazine about the Brangelina triangle, Erika Kole telling anyone who would listen about her AVN pre-nomination for a Jamie Gillis blowjob, Amber Peach listening quietly, Missy and Kami ruling the roost, Brandi tolerating people asking to bounce quarters off her, and Vivian West sort of acting as the median porn girl. I had never met Vivian West before. If the current trend in porn girls runs from demure and pretty, like Monica Sweetheart and Jana Cova, to utterly wild and dissolute, like Kami and Missy (and I mean that in the best way), Vivian was right in the middle. She was the day's dark horse.  Having no male talent on hand (I would have jumped in, but the day wasn't about me), and having the nurturing, maternal, and utterly filthy influence of PurePlay's April Storm on hand made the environment comfortable. The actresses themselves seemed to be most attracted to Amber Peach, whom they wanted to corrupt, and Brandi Wylde, whom they wanted to scale like the Empire State Building.Nice Guy Rick Plank of Phallix Glass was, along with April Storm, a fellow judge. He supplied the dildonics for the festivities, all of which looked splendid as they appeared and reappeared from the marketable parts of some of today's tastiest porn actresses. Over the course of the day, we had to award each of the performers up to 150 points for all the categories. I guess I'm not allowed to say who eventually won and placed, but I only violently disagreed with one of the three awards, and I can see that was because of my own personal preference in Ladies. Taryn Thomas was the one casualty of the day. She went home prior to the eight-way scene complaining of soreness. "Where do we put the toys when they're dirty?" Erika Kole asked at one point. "In my ass," Thomas replied ruefully. Monica Sweetheart is from the Czech Republic city of Beroun. She told me that the Czech word for pussy was pipinka while the Slovak word was shushka. I asked her which word she preferred. "Pipinka," she said. I, too, feel that shushka hints at an oppressive regime.  During Sweetheart's scene with Brandi Wylde, Erika Kole crawled across the carpet for some pipinka action. She was shooed away by Cousin Stevie."Monica has the nicest little cookie," she told me, then added that she was pre-nommed for a Jamie Gillis blowjob scene. Kami and Missy, with some help from Vivian, were the wildest performers of the day (though Amber had a very convincing yell). The quote of the day came from Missy who, in response to Cousin Stevie's remark that she looked like an ice skater in her tutu, replied, "I'm ice skating for your cock." No one knew what this meant, least of all Missy, but it needs to be the title of Michelle Kwan's autobiography. The runner-up quote went to human vibrator Vivian West (she makes this noise with her tongue - oh my God) who, upon inspecting a battery-operated toy, said, "Glad I don't own one of these because I'd live in a box and eat my own pussy all day." In the green room I asked Kami a question that explains why I'm not a drag queen. "Why do porn girls and strippers all wear high heels?" "Observe," she said, "and shut off the camera." She proceeded to slip out of her Lucite heels and stood barefoot on the carpet. She frowned and put her hands on her hips. She looked ready to take on all comers. Then she got back in her heels and smiled radiantly. "It makes your legs look longer and your body straightens out," she said. I could only see that she was smiling in one pose and frowning in the other; the eight parts of Kami's anatomy that I find so fascinating were there both times.  "I am going to kidnap Kami and put her in a cage," Monroe said, "and only let her out to fuck once a day.""I'm available most afternoons," I said. AVN's Mark Kernes, looking excellent after his tumultuous 2005, mentioned during one scene that Kami resembled Kyra Sedgwick. This validates my goal of providing her with several degrees of bacon. The day ended with Missy ceremonially giving birth to an AVN award ("I'm just happy to have beat JM," Stevie said) and my fucking up getting Monica Sweetheart to leave my outgoing voicemail message. It would have been great had I actually saved it. Previously: Stop a Second; I've Got You in My Eye, Put the Load right on me, By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be in Prague See also: Pussy Party gallery, PurePlay Media Labels: Cousin Stevie, erika kole, kami andrews, missy monroe, monica sweetheart, pussy party, remmet studio, WGL ¶ Monday, January 30, 2006 3 Comments Links to this post
Saturday, January 28, 2006
You had me at Pussy Party
 Today I will be the judge of Cousin Srevie's Pussy Party. I just got my robes back, making sure they allow easy access should I need to do some thoughtful gaveling.The tentative cast list is as follows: Erika Cole, Tylene Buck, Kami Andrews, Monica Sweetheart, Taryn Thomas , Vivian West, Missy Monroe, Amber Peach. If at least three of those people show up, I'll consider the day a success. Previously: The Flying Burrito Sisters, Cousin Stevie's Green Room See also: PurePlay Media ¶ Saturday, January 28, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 27, 2006
Kurupt makes entertainment industry look tawdry
 I makes me sad that everything 2 LIve Crew fought for has come to this.Rapper Kurupt is the latest hip-hop personality to appear in a porn video depicting what women will do to appear in a music video. In this town. Uncut XXX, starring Sydnee Capri, Cherokee, Roxy Reynolds, Baby Girl (not an actual baby), and Melodee Bliss, follows girls auditioning for the former Dogg Pound member's "She Wants to Fuck" video as they learn the horrible truth about what is really involved in the world of casting. "Just because the video is called 'She Loves to Fuck' and the only wardrobe requirement was thong underwear, Lucite heels, and melon body spray doesn't mean we would consider having sex with a member of Kurupt's posse, family, or record label," one of the actresses involved didn't say to a judge. Previously: Porn consumers speak: Not enough pimps See also: VCA ¶ Friday, January 27, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Devon: Escortique
 As Jeff Lebowski said to Bunny: "I'm just gonna go find a cash machine."Previously: What is happening to my Teagan? See also: XXXEscortDevon Thanks for the tip: Dependable Skeleton ¶ Friday, January 27, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Study: Prague feeds hookers well
 That one in the back has to be the biggest anal hooker I've ever seen.Previously: By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be in Prague See also: Defiance Films ¶ Friday, January 27, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Porn Party Report - update
 As you know, I alone flit effortlessly betweeen the competing social circles of the pornerati. So I might alight on a Steveporn party here or a glossy couples'porn party there, be a stunt cock in a Max Hardocre eyesocket-fucking video, or hang around with some Internet messageboard types and think up nuisance lawsuits all day. It's great!Here is my report from the recent Neu Wave Hookers release party and April Storm's 5th Annual Porn to Rock party. Previously: XBiz awards: short and full of snacks, Carmella Bing: a rack in the back, How to party with models See also: Neu Wave Hookers, PurePlay Media ¶ Friday, January 27, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Porn Publicist School II: giving yourself enough rope
 From a recent press release:The numbers don't lie, which suggests that there can be no doubt about it; xxxxxx has found the winning formula! You're right - the numbers don't lie, so the blame has to go elsewhere. Previously: Continuing education credits ¶ Friday, January 27, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Joanna Angel dislikes broccoli, inks deal with VCA
 I talked with Joanna Angel today about her new deal with VCA, in which she will direct five films and appear in "about" ten others ("depending on how I feel about it," she said).I was worried that the contract would mean she'd leave Brooklyn and move to LA. It would be like taking a beautiful tropical fish out of its expensively-maintained aquarium and putting it in another expensively-maintained aquarium that was not full of water but full of jelly. "I couldn't do that," she said. "I'll be making all five movies here in New York and a lot of the VCA films I'll be in will be shot here, too." Her mouth was full for part of our conversation. So was mine, because I am an empathetic listener, as well as America's Porn Journalist. "What are you eating?" I probed. "A veggie burrito with broccoli," she said. "It's from the only good burrito place in New York (Yola's on Lorimar Street). But I don't think brocccoli is appropriate to go with a burrito." "Is it crunchy?" "No. It's not too crunchy, and it's not steamed to the point that it's soggy. I just don't think it's right. But it's a pretty good consistency for a burrito."  As part of her plan with VCA/LFP, Angel will also dance at Hustler clubs. She was a dancer before getting on this porn merry-go-round."I would make maybe $20 or $30 when I was on stage," she said, "but the real money came from being in the VIP booth with sweaty guys. I would rather be dancing." We are, all of us, cursed with a dual nature. "But I would pay the DJ extra so he wouldn't put me in the dance rotation so I could spend all my time making money in the back," she said. "You could pay the DJ to get you out of dancing?" "You can pay people for anything," she said.  I asked what would happen to BurningAngel.com, the company she started with Rutgers pal/henchman Mitch, if she was going to be spending all her time with Flynties."Burning Angel won't die," she said. "In fact, I will be taking it with me wherever I go. I was upset that the Burning Angel name wasn't displayed in the places I was signing at the AVN convention, and I let them know that. That will change now." So Angel will be delivering films for VCA, which they will distribute and pay her for, and will be creating content with Burning Angel that will be distributed by Pulse. "Having a distributor makes things a lot easier," she said. "We had Burning Angel DVDs in the apartment that were even blocking the TV. So it's good to have someone taking care of that." VCA VP of sales and marketing, the kindly and James Liptonesque Peter Reynolds, is deliriously happy. "We work well together, Joanna and VCA," he said. "We like the same music, too." Reynolds confirms that Joanna's Angels 2 will be out on April 4. Angel will next be in LA for an AIM Bingo benefit, she said, but hopes she can be here as early as Valentine's Day. "James Deen and I can finally say we're an item," she said.  Everything is finally working out for the plucky scrapper from Bergen County who once said that the only AVN award she wanted was for "Best Jew." (She now has a Most Outrageous Sex Scene for Repenetrator.)"What are you drinking?" "Cranberry juice. It's good to prevent urinary tract infections. It's really good for the pee-hole." "Yes," I said. "But with all the cash you'll be pulling in, you can afford a pee=hole wrangler." "We'll see," she said. Previously: Joanna Angel signs with Pulse, Porn star diets, Ponante Blurbotron launches See also: Burning Angel, VCA ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Answers to your pinkness questions
 Leisure Time Digital has released How Pink Is My Pussy!, starring newcomer Fallon Summers. Summers' eyes, I think, are within striking distance of those of Sophie Dee and Dillan Lauren. Photoshop believes Ms. Summers' pussy is FF8894. That's pretty pink! Previously: Real Fucking Tits: Who goes there?, Desires: this time they're carnal See also: Direct Video And DVD ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
The Pornographer
 The notion of a title like The Pornographer not already being taken confused and overwhelmed me (and in fact there have been several titles with that name, a 2000 indie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, who really needs to consider the many perks our industry has to offer, as well as a French film from 2001), but this Hustler flick, directed by Andre Madness and featuring Hillary Scott (not Claire Robbins as I'd previously mentioned -thanks TyrionDwarf) on the cover (as well as Steve Austin, in a photo that looks like Russell Crowe had the phone hit him), looks fun.Although it might be anything but fun Who knows? I only know Madness directed Whores Don't Wear Panties, and I liked that. If The Pornographer is a dark and brooding study of a man's search for himself and the existential dilemma of making money through the exploitation of others, then I will be forced to be sad. The Pornographer also stars Eva Angelina, Cindy Crawford, Claire Robbins, and Chloe Dior. Previously: Sex Trap: The sad state of our nation's nuns See also: Hustler Video ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 3 Comments Links to this post
Gina Lynn: I want you in MI AZ
 Favorite Bada Bing girl Gina Lynn will be dancing at Tens in Tucson this weekend and at the Zoo Bar in Detroit next weekend during Jenna Jameson's Super Bowl festivities.Lynn and I went on a voyage of discovery together when she told me how she'd never realized the ardor of the foot fetish crowd until someone noticed her size 4 and 1/2 paws at an early photo shoot. "I thought everyone was looking at my breasts," she said. "You can't dance without feet," I said. Previously: Gina Lynn's feet, Arch Enemies review See also: Gina Lynn ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Anna Malle dead at 38
 Anna Malle, who appeared in about 350 adult movies, died yesterday in Las Vegas. The car in which she was a passenger was hit by another car. The Clark County Coroner's Office confirmed that the woman known legally as Anna Hotop, 38, was killed in the crash, which occurred off State Road 160 near Rainbow Blvd., and that an autopsy would be performed today. Sources believe her car was hit by a drunk driver. The suspect is currently in custody. Malle joined the industry in 1992 after being discovered via a swingers' group. She is pictured here flanked by Jill Kelly (l.) and Christi Lake on the September, 2000 cover of Fox Magazine. The accompanying pictorial featured Malle as the fiery wild girl, Kelly as the malt shop waitress, and Lake as the cheerleader. "Anna was the town bad seed," began the pictorial setup. "She slept all day long, and only came out at night, driving her muffler-less jalopy over the back roads of the town, all the windows down, howling at the moon. She was trouble, oh yes, and everybody did their best to avoid her." Roy Karch directed Malle in numerous movies. "Anna Malle was one of the true great wild women of all time," he said. "As wild as she was on camera, she was as nice off camera. Just having her in the movie was a plus. She was bubbly and fun and sweet; one of the last few girls who really enjoyed her job in this business. She lived it and loved it." Former AVN editor Rebecca Gray remembers Malle auditioning for Los Angeles theatre roles at the height of her porn fame. "She had a lot going on," Gray said, "and people really liked her." Malle joins Linda Lovelace, Julie Robbins, and Britney Madison in the ranks of actresses who have recently died in car crashes. We send our condolences to Anna's family, friends, and fans. See also: Anna Malle, Malle's IAFD listing ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 6 Comments Links to this post
Revolting even to Internet scammers
 An Internet diploma mill of the type one encounters 30 times a day without a good spam blocker also has connections to child pornography.Feds busted Kevin Pearson for having thousands of images of child porn on his computer in the course of investigating the Spokane man's role in a scam that printed phony diplomas for people like your loser cousin. Pearson was indicted this week. It is not clear if the seven other people implicated in the diploma mill case were involved with child porn at all, but "12.5 percent of Internet scammers moonlight as child pornographers" doesn't sound unreasonable. ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Breakin' in the New Chick 2, or Mr. Pete's Creepy Ride
 ... or, What if Jame Gumb directed a movie? See review here.Previously: Corn-fed, Cornrows, The process See also: VCA ¶ Wednesday, January 25, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Kami is life of the Pussy Party
 After several weeks of grueling confirmation hearings (Sen. Kennedy: "Mr. Ponante, would you use previous blowjobs as a litmus test for assigning higha scoahs to Pussy Pahty pahticipants?"), I have been selected as a judge for this weekend's Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party.I asked previous winner (and returning contestant) Kami Andrews to describe the Pussy Party process. "A pussy party is an erotic explosion of estrogen and Mexican food," she said. "It should not be missed under any circumstances." I was worried about my credentials. What does one bring to a pussy party, aside from the obvious? "You totally have all the credentials you need, what with having eyes and all," she said. I am also very particular about the dismount. "I won the last one I was in, and I split the money with Julie Night and asked her to marry me," Andrews continued. "She said 'yes' , so I did the logical thing and never called her back, but my heart still aches for her." Previously: Catching up with Kami, Texas' Asshole Massacre, Cousin Stevie's Green Room See also: Kamiland ¶ Wednesday, January 25, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Tyler Faith: "this house is a disco"
 Pal and Blue Line consultant Tyler Faith will be dancing at Rouge this week as part of a continued effort to make the public forget the club was once called Bob's Classy Lady.Calling a strip club "Classy Lady" is asking for trouble, not because the talent might not be classy, but because the clientele who make their decisions based on class are undermining the very ideals on which our great nation is built. If you want classy ladies, gentlemen, go to New Delhi. In other news, Faith will be appearing in an upcoming spread in Genesis magazine with her fiancee, Wankus. To have the words 'Wankus' and 'spread' in the same sentence makes me shudder. Tyler will be performing multiple shows on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I hope she dances to the UnFAITHful Secrets theme song. Previously: Sorry Fellas, She's Engaged, Squeeze the Brahmin, Return to Porn Star Karaoke See also: Tyler Faith ¶ Wednesday, January 25, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Jameson: the end is near
 I received this in my inbox this morning:VIVID/CLUBJENNA BOWL TO FEATURE TWO ULTIMATE LINGERIE SHOWS IN DETROIT ON FRIDAY, FEB. 3 AT THE SEXIEST PRE-BIG GAME PARTY I wondered how there could be two "ultimates" of anything. Then I realized they meant "intimate". Oh that Jackie Markham, Vivid/ClubJenna publicist! There are worse ways to spend the apocalypse, I'm thinking. And it also ties in well with Jenna's movie. Maybe it wasn't an egregious spelling error. Previously: Jenna Jameson to not receive award, "Her passion and energy were unreal." See also: Vivid/ClubJenna Bowl, The cover of AVN's 20th anniversary issue ¶ Wednesday, January 25, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Penny Flame's first camera porn
 Penny Flame has taken over the Shane's World series Girls Night Out for its second installment. Flame took the likes of Julia Bond, Sophie Dee, Courtney Simpson, Alektra Blue, Erin Moore, Isis, Aaliyah, and Mika Tan to San Diego and gave handjobs to strangers in hot tubs."Being part of a Shane’s World film is about causing a ruckus and loving sex," Flame said. In addition, she has joined the ranks of adult personalities posing sexily with cameras, breaking the stranglehold Mercenary has on that genre. (See picture) The only question is: how can she possibly manually focus? Previously: Tina Tyler refuses to stop being hot II, "You treat objects like women, man." See also: Shane's World ¶ Tuesday, January 24, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Jack's Teen America and the mentally ill
 Digital Playground has released the 12th installment of Jack's Teen America, and the trailer, featuring Gigi, Jamie Elle, Jenaveve Jolie, Candy Manson, and Yasmine Vega is here.When asked about the content, director Robby D. raved, "the whole volume is insane." There are already more episodes of the Jack movies out there than editions of the DSM, so I believe him. Previously: Possibly the grteatest movie of all time, Teagan and Terri's Playground See also: Digital Playground ¶ Tuesday, January 24, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Real Fucking Tits: Who goes there?
 As you well know, I am a fan of the Maximum Xposure family of products, despite their never responding to e-mail (I have the same problem with GFY; they won't let me post. Can you imagine what an insufferable asshole I could become if I was allowed to post on GFY? Come to think of it, best they don't answer my e-mail).One of this week's releases features up and coming starlet Roxxxy Rush (no relation to Ted Knight) in Real Fucking Tits, also starring Avy Scott and Mia Biggs. Sorry to sound like Marcia Brady, but where does the emphasis go in that title? REAL Fucking Tits, as if it were part of a repeated and impassioned defense of the tits' reality, or Real FUCKING Tits, the same way one would say "Grade A braising steaks", or Real Fucking TITS, because I sure hope that's not Roxxxy Rush's real fucking NAME - ? Previously: My Little China Doll, You Shouldn't Mess with Me, Squeeze the Brahmin, Desires: this time they're carnal See also: Maximum Xposure ¶ Tuesday, January 24, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
A Clockwork tradeshow
 One of the interesting things about the Miami Exxxotica show that will be helping to crowd the adult tradeshow market this summer is also what gives it an edge. There will be a pavilion featuring original art from Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange, including this piece, which was used famously to bludgeon an artist.Ha ha ha, artist. Jay Handy of VTshows, which sponsors the event, said that booth space is "mostly" inclusive, with 10' x 10' booths going for $1250 with all furniture and piping included, as well as a nominal charge for electricity. The company will be comping adult store owners but the cost to fans will be $25 a day before discounts. "It will be a fan-based show at which a lot of company business can be done," he said. The show runs from June 9 - 11. Previously: XBiz announces Vegas trade show in July, bursts into flame, Residue (and residon't) from the convention See also: Exxxotica Miami ¶ Tuesday, January 24, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Will this be killed?
 When I write for someone else, I am usually in the unique position where I don't get edited, save for word count. This is just how I like it.I have been guest-editing Fleshbot this past week (note inexcusable lack of posts here) until Jonno, the full-time editor, returns from his travels this afternoon, and I am suddenly in a quandary about whether something that would be innocuous for my own site might be offensive at (sorry, let's face it) corporate Gawker Media. What do you think? The following post is for Oriental Dynamite, a gallery of wholesome Asian hotties: Up until now, I chose to keep my Orient mysterious, looking at it through the opium-fogged spectacles of fellow round-eyes like David Aaron Clark. I wasn't prepared for something so welcoming and brightly-lit (and tentacle-free) as Oriental Dynamite, a site serving up Asian girls, Asian girls, and more Asian girls in a roomy and fun atmosphere that is a far cry from the conditions offered to the first Orientals given dynamite, namely Fusang: the Chinese Railroad Men. · Oriental Dynamite (oriental-dynamite.com) Let's see if it makes it. Previously: Because having actual Asians would ruin it, GotterDACerung See also: Fleshbot posts ¶ Tuesday, January 24, 2006 2 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tera begins open relationship
 "When a fisherman isn't at sea, he's mending his nets," an ex-girlfriend was over-fond of saying (the relationship suffered due to her constant rainslickers and the sad cry of gulls overhead).But that is how I feel about the brief sojourn in which Tera Patrick only worked with one man, her husband Evan Seinfeld. Sources report Patrick has added other fellas to the menu. (Tera's MySpace blog also reported this and then, as quickly, didn't.) People have said Seinfeld, a/k/a Spyder Jones (he did not emulate the other pornstar monogamist Jenna Jameson's husband and call himself Spydr Jones) threatens and intimidates. I have not seen this. I only know he was excellent on Oz, and am glad he didn't have any run-ins with Atabisi, who was cruel. ¶ Friday, January 20, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Study: Blondes popular
 Four blondes from L.A. Direct Models will be performing January 24 at Rouge Gentlemen's Club in Van Nuys. This gentlemen's club, unlike Pol-Dancing Pot in Chatsworth, has no connection with the Khmer Rouge.Appearing Tuesday will be Brooke Haven, Dakota, Courtney Simpson, and fembot/Vivid girl Lacie Heart. L.A. Direct Models is making more and more of an effort to be a company with a public face rather than a behind the scenes player (the other major adult talent agency is World Modeling, with smaller agencies like Adult Staffing Services and my own Girls Who Will Fuck You but Only And I Mean Only If You Pay Them Agency, Ltd.). ¶ Friday, January 20, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Monique Alexander: "May God have mercy on my soul."
 Vivid girl Monique Alexander has re-upped with the fledgling adult entertainment company, best known for its championing of the "studio system" of porn, its delicious snack trays, and its 1975 book Nocturnal Enuresis in America: A Gestaltist View (Grylph Bros.)Alexander's contract calls for 24 scenes over the next two years (if I were her, I'd get them done in one day and, like, party until 2008) that will include her first anal scene (notice I didn't say "like, party my ass off"). She will also partake in the personal appearances expected of Vivid girls, which may or may not include an endorsement of Vivid Rims. I would also get those done in one day. Alexander did not, of course, utter those words while signing her two-year extension, but I'm just saying that if they were a different set of papers, maybe Tookie Williams would still be alive. ¶ Friday, January 20, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The cum font: a note on the type
 When viewing 17-hour comp epics like Giant Breasts to Cover with Cum, one wonders about the decision-making process that went into the font choice for "to Cover with Cum".Have I told you about the porn version of The Wizard of Oz I want to do, featuring the song "Swallow the Yellow Thick Load"? I think that governs the color choice for "Cum", but the tattered, sort of exit wound sloppiness of the font indicates the designer didn't appreciate the almost Nazi-like precision with which some of porn's male talent as well as myself employ. If the designer only knew, (he) would have used a much straighter, laser-edged font. Sans-serif. I talked with graphic artist Alaska! about boxcover design. "Somehow, typical porn box designers ruin every somewhat-cool font. It's quite the phenomenon," he said. When he worked for Hustler, he would typically spend a day on the box concept, half a day for research, and a week for the execution. He said it's different now. "I've held off using many fonts that I found to be 'too cool for porn'," he said. Here at Gram Ponante Towers, we have named this font Gooramond Sticky. ¶ Thursday, January 19, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Eva Angelina and Boston
 As you know, I have huge hands. You might even say I am handsome. (You would be right, but only on a technicality.) Eva Angelina has large breasts, as she will freely admit, and she is not coy about showing them to just about everyone but her Navy recruiter.Anyway, Angelina is the covergirl of the new Hustler movie More than A Handful. Large as they are, her breasts are less than a handful for me. But who wants something that you can't fit entirely in your hand anyway? Would you like a sandwich you couldn't fit in your hand? A duck? Car keys? I propose Hustler change the name of this misleading and inappropriate title to More than a Feeling and have Boston do the soundtrack. That would be awesome. ¶ Thursday, January 19, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Kelly Madison to make money
 In general, paysites leave me cold. I prefer to make my money through intimidation and nuisance lawsuits rather than hope some slob will buy a photoset of me and Lisa Sparxxx. But Kelly Madison's storefront website, KellyFind.com, which advertises itself as a "model database", has some personal touches that make its mercenary nature palatable.Speaking of palatable, I'd sure like a beer right now. ¶ Thursday, January 19, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Google won't lie down
 Despite vague misgivings about anything that happens in northern California (my PowerBook battery died today, too), Google's decision to not only fight the Bush Administration's efforts to subpoena search engine records but also be snarky about it can be traced right back to the founding patriots' civil disobedience.Google's extra-curricular meta-blog the Outer Court has put together the Patriot Search, which allows users to state whether or not they are terrorists before searching. ¶ Thursday, January 19, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
XBiz announces Vegas trade show in July, bursts into flame in anticipation
 XBiz has thrown its hat into the convention-throwing ring, announcing its first-annual Summer '06 Forum, an adult B2B conference to be held at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas."We ordered so many t-shirts and mousepads with 'Summer '06 Forum' on them," a company representative did not say, "that we thought it impractical to change the name should we ever throw another one." The adult convention circuit is already crowded in the summer, with the just-announced Exxxotica Miami Beach show June 9-11, Erotica LA June 23-25, Internext in Florida in August, and Gramstock, which I just announced this very minute. Gramstock will be an opportunity for adult industry professionals to relax, network, meet new friends and maintain contact with old ones, and learn about the latest issues facing the adult industry. It will be held every day this year in the spacious bandwidth allotted by my web server. Anyway, XBiz has inked a deal with the Hard Rock for room rates as low as $159 a night during the show, provided potential attendees do not spontaneously combust while attempting to drive there in the thousand-degree heat. "The almost-lunar-surface heat will entice conventioneers to stay inside and listen to seminars they would normally eschew," yet another XBiz rep did not say. ¶ Wednesday, January 18, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Arch Enemies of Triumph
 Let's say you didn't know much about cars and the mechanic started explaining the whole process he went through in popping out your tranny (at least you assumed he was your mechanic), getting really excited the more he talked.Or let's say you know nothing about space travel but there you are suiting up for a Space Shuttle launch. That is how I feel about certain fetishes. If presented with a menu of fetishes, I would not read the document upside down, but I also would not understand it. Here, then, is my review of the footie movie Arch Enemies. Don't read it standing up! ¶ Wednesday, January 18, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tech Porn
 Here is a David Hockney-style amalgaphoto of Eon McKai's workspace. Anybody who works in front of a screen for part of their living knows that it is not the porn strewn across the desk that makes this a porn shot. For the blowup, go here.
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
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Moonlighting
 In addition to my regular Porn Valley explification duties at Fleshbot this week, I'm also guest editor. Continue sending your press releases, musings, and sexy photos (except for you, Kurt) here so that I can continue feeding your ravings through my media empire.A reader asks: Gram, why the glut of Ponantecana on the CyberWebNet? A. Because there are plenty of hours in the day to fill with honest American work. A reader asks: Gram, what is the difference between what you write for your site and what you write for Fleshbot and what you write for XBiz and what you write for the John Birch Society Newsletter and what you write for Gnu Fancy and what you write as editor-in-chief of AVN? A. There will always be more Jenna in those publications (don't get me wrong, I love Jenna, but their love is unhealthy) and more Motorhead in my own. I also employ a style guide that is unique and that has been taught in Japan for thousands of years, despite the fact that I mostly write in English. Also, GramPonante.com is the place where dreams happen. Finally, this is where my e-mail lives. Nothing gets there that doesn't get here first. ¶ Wednesday, January 18, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Stefani Morgan: A piece of flair
 Listen: like you, I just want Tommy Lee to straighten up and fly right. That he apparently hooked up with (and, according to a Vivid press release sent to almost as many people as Steve Banan has on his mailing list, is "quietly dating") new Vivid Girl Stefani Morgan might be the erstwhile Crue drummer's shot at redemption as Morgan, too, is putting her life back together.Morgan is a former Girls Gone Wild model. A friend of mine recently wrote an article about GGW's Joe Francis for a highly professional trade publication and Francis told him that he would not do the interview unless questions were submitted and approved beforehand. You know, like what they did for the Ayatollah. I think Morgan made the right decision to jump ship. Does Girls Gone Wild have its own line of rims? Hells no. The subject heading refers to Vivid's press release, which described Morgan as "Tommy Lee's New Flair". Morgan's first feature role in a Vivid film, Star, will debut next week. ¶ Wednesday, January 18, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Tiana Lynn on the floor
 ...is probably my favorite picture from 2005. She was watching Cytherea and Lee Stone on the set of Squirtwoman 3. The scene was later cut because I kept diverting Cytherea's attention (I had a Pez dispenser full of meth). (I'm just kidding.)Anyway, Elegant Angel is running a Best Of contest of its own on its website. ¶ Tuesday, January 17, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Mexican Pussy: Make a run for the border
 "Yo me mantengo muy saludable y esbelto de cuerpo cuando junto a mis pequenos en la cuadra central de el pueblo blanquado por el sol y alimentandolos con leche lleno de vitamina D, y no de esa porqueria de uno porciento. Solo temo el chupacabra y el peso terrible de la naturaleza ensaciable de Gram."- Translated by Duke Santos ¶ Tuesday, January 17, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
This Ass Is Demented
 There are a lot of things going on on the cover of Jim Powers' Mayhem release Dementia 3: Anal Sacrifice, but it's hard to say what they are.Hillary Scott is wearing a snake for a belt, but that doesn't make her look demented. If Powers really wanted her to look demented, he would have her eyes going in two different directions and have her tongue hanging out. That is how we rolled in junior high when we wanted to show that someone was crazy. As for an anal sacrifice, I don't see where that's coming from, either. In fact, the Japanese-style logo lettering also mystifies me. One thing is certain (or is it?): Hillary Scott provides sexual favors in this film, with or without a snake holding her nonexistent pants up. That should be worth something. ¶ Tuesday, January 17, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Neu Wave Hookers: I dig it
 I spoke with Eon McKai about Neu Wave Hookers, which I understand I am the first Person in the United States to have received. It's an excellent movie and you should buy it or, like me, endeavor to get it for free."After this, I'm not doing updates or revisions," McKai said. He is flirting with the idea of adapting Over the Edge with River's Edge, "and do something about Antelope Valley kids in planned communities who have nowhere to have sex once they turn 18." Sort of like what Poltergeist would have been like had the graves been kept intact. He's also going to be shooting the video for the Bedroom Walls' song Mandy. "There'll be no nudity," he said. Oh well. Neu's commentary track about porn biz graft is also very entertaining. ¶ Tuesday, January 17, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 16, 2006
Sunny Lane a spinner by comparison
 No one was more surprised than I that Sunny Lane did not win Best New Starlet at the AVN awards. Does marketing count for nothing anymore? What about all the personal appearances and courting of the press? What about the car she bought me? Do I have to return it?Maybe Lane, like Seabiscuit, having missed the Kentucky Derby that is the Best New Starlet honor, will one day beat the War Admiral that is the Reuben Sturman award and she will make Lizzie Borden cry. Anyway, here are Lane and the Amazon Barbara Summer in the new Stoney Curtis period piece Hot Bods & Tail Pipe, volume 30. I say period piece because the word "Bod" has not been used since 1983. Can you believe this series is all the way up to 30? Sotheby's just auctioned off last month's Volume 2 for $350,000. ¶ Monday, January 16, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Lanny Barby in a bodybag
 "See? She's in a bodybag, but she's still kind of controlling the situation," said Robby D. of his new line from Digital Playground, Control, shot in a variety of styles to keep people jerking off continually."Every Tuesday afternoon I would go to video stores and grab the new titles," Robby said of his life before porn was free. "I want to give other people the same excitement I felt on Tuesday afternoons." Would Robby D. come to my house and ensure that the pipes were cleaned with regularity? "No," he said. "Thank God," I replied. "But I had to ask the question as America's Porn Journalist." Robby is an enthusiastic guy who views porn from a fan's perspective. There doesn't seem to be a cynical bone in his body, which is refreshing. It also means I was able to borrow, like, three grand from him which I have no intention of paying back. Barby (no relation to Klaus Barbie) shot Control about a week before she became a Vivid girl, and Control 2, staring Holly Wellin, is already wrapped (though not in a bodybag). I pointed out that, though Barby's eyes are open, her being in a bodybag would indicate to me a decided lack of control. "Well - ," Robby said. ¶ Monday, January 16, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Kassin: "They want to take the butt."
 Katja Kassin, who is out gathering aromatic herbs this very moment in the Gram Ponante Towers victory garden, is the covermädl of the latest issue of the Las Vegas Weekly, which published a quaint expose of the AVN convention."When fans want to take pictures of me," Kassin said, "they want to take the butt." I guess that means that I do not qualify as a fan. I like photos of Kassin, lightly oiled, capering through the grass. Thanks to Mark Spiegler ("Patron of the Tarts") for the link info. ¶ Monday, January 16, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 13, 2006
My little China Doll, you shouldn't mess with me
 I'll ruin everything. Oh.I've been getting material from Maximum Xposure for a while. They always send good pictures with no text, letting the photos speak for themselves. My China Doll, for instance. Which side of the Cultural Revolution do you think this lady's on? In Vegas I tried to track some of these guys down. I was greeted at the booth door by a guy who said, "If you want to talk to him, you've got to talk to me first." I thought: "Jeezuz." Way to make things not easy. In strict counterpoint is Wicked Pictures, which sends reams of text but no pictures. Since "Pictures" is part of their name, I just don't get it. Maybe they think sending pictures would be redundant. Maybe they want to make people work. The bottom line, of course, is this: The Chinese are AWESOME. ¶ Friday, January 13, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Night to fist own ass if inspired
 The depraved Julie Night will be feature dancing in San Francisco until this Tuesday at the Market Street Cinema."I love San Francisco," the asterisk-naveled filthy thing said. "I can fist my own ass onstage if I want." That reminds me of a little modified joke. Guy goes to the doctor with a broken arm/Doctor sets it/Guy says, "Can I fist my own ass onstage if I want?"/Doctor says, "Sure you can."/Guy says, "That's funny, I couldn't before." Sometimes I love my job with the white-hot brilliance of a thousand suns going Red Dwarf at the same time. ¶ Friday, January 13, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Bad Ass Frank: Strap-on wrangler
 My pal Bad Ass Frank recently signed a directing deal with an S/M company. "I like to stay on top of things," Prather should have said.The photo doesn't do justice to The Ass' happy-go-lucky nature, but in the interest of making him appear a credible producer of girl-based strap-on porn and the like, we understand that a more sinister image is required. Frank will be working with Kabneched, Inc., which owns the sites Cumbots, PerfectSlave and SocietySM. Frank told me that his debut film for his own company, Superiority Complex Pictures, which he started on spec last summer, will be finished soon. ¶ Friday, January 13, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Princess: Let me introduce His Frogness
 Black Widow Media, which produces its own stuff but also makes pie money distributing foreign-made material in the United States, picked up The Princess Has Come of Age, featuring an Italian-designed bombshell with the most pliant CGI vagina this side of King Kong.Read my insightful and thought-provoking review of this cartoon here. ¶ Friday, January 13, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Welcome Village Voice Readers
 I'm going to shut up about the convention in a minute, but among the folks I met was new pal and fashion plate Tristan Taormino, who was nice enough to name-check me in her Village Voice blog and not tell me anything about Michael Musto or why other VNU Media properties sometimes suck ass.I and the entourage are still battling a little post-Vegas dropsy before we head out to the Phoenix Ammo and Swingers convention this weekend, so please accept my apologies for the sparse posts, though they are full of useful information to terrify your enemies. ¶ Friday, January 13, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Joanna Angel signs with Pulse
 In the year following Joanna Angel's venturing forth from the exorbitantly-priced Williamsburg loft that houses Burning Angel to film for other people, the "Most Outrageous Sex Scene" winner has flirted with a few companies. She worked with VCA, with directors like Eon McKai and Tristan Taormino, and was briefly a spokesmodel for JDate.While that last part was a falsehood, this week Angel signed with Pulse Pictures, which also handles fellow east-coaster Jack the Zipper. Will this be the end of Burning Angel.com? Will Angel move from the overrated festering cesspit that is New York City to Silverlake or Los Feliz? It's only a matter of time. Soon she'll be blonde. ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 2 Comments Links to this post
Jesse Jane loves it when a plan comes together
 While Jesse Jane might qualify under international treaties as a MILF, it looks like the svengalis at Digital Playground are grooming the AVN awards host for elder stateswoman status, ala Nina Hartley.The movie is Celeste's Marvelous, and the promo material reads "Watch (Jane) as she leads a beautiful young cast into a foray of sexual bliss." Doesn't that sound like she's going to be releasing a series of Adam & Eve How To videos soon? When did Jesse become some kind of Hannibal Smith to the A-Team that is Digital Playground's day players? I refuse to believe it. Marvelous also stars Alicia Alighatti, Claire Robbins, Sandra Shine, and Codi Milo. When contacted, Codi Milo did not say, "I would be led into a foray of sexual bliss by that dignified older woman any day." ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Funny girl
 Perhaps less funny than Vivid Rims is Vivid Comedy Night. The event, to be held January 19 at the Hollywood Improv (right down the street from Adam Film World!!!), pairs the likes of Stefani Morgan and Monique Alexander with Girls Behaving Badly's Chelsea Handler.I saw Ms. Handler at the Aspen Comedy Festival. If it's not OK to say she could be a porn star, I feel comfortable not saying Monique Alexander should be a comedian. Tickets are $15 and you can be damn sure the comedians are making less money. ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Billy Glide will beat you up after school
 If the people I was wary of in junior high grew up to be porn performers and porn hangers-on rather than 1.) inmates at New Hampshire prisons, 2.) milkmen living with their mothers, and 3.) cult members, they would look a lot like Billy Glide and crew.This movie was kind of amazing, but for different reasons than I would have thought. I dug it so much that I went out and punched some guy with glasses. Finally I saw what all the fuss was about. Punching people is fun! ¶ Wednesday, January 11, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Residue (and residon't) from the convention, as well as Flower Tucci
 Flower Tuccci has nothing to do with the horrible thing that happened two hours out of Las Vegas after I ate at the Orleans buffet (the hamlet of Yermo and its overtaxed public works department will never be the same), but maybe Ms. Tucci's callipygian fantasticness can help to offset the pain I still feel.It was a fantastic convention for me. I got to meet some cool people. Oddly enough, my only negative experiences (save for the Orleans buffet) came online. After bitch-slapping one of those stalker-types via IM, I immediately began getting threatening pings from an entity I assumed was a 'bot who eventually turned out to be more or less real, who threatened to launch an attack on my server if I didn't send $500 by Paypal. It's important to never leave a paper trail when threatening violence and extortion, especially when the trail is connected to an un-NATted IP address. Here my convention resolutions: I determined that next year I would stay within smelling distance of the Sands and not rely on shuttles. I determined that next year I would bring more business cards. Next year I will drink more with more people. Other than that, this year was a blizzast. I'm still a little under the weather. I'll begin posting again in earnest next week. ¶ Wednesday, January 11, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 09, 2006
"We bought out the pasty store": images from the 2006 AEE
 Here are some pictures of your favorite people, most of whom gave permission for their snapshots to be taken as well as treated me to a flake of their lives.I talked with Puma Swede (l.) about her pasties. "We bought out the pasty store," she said. The thought only occurred to me this minute, but how long do pasties last? Can you re-use or return them? Are there pasty designs that are more popular? Can I get some Star of David pasties? Who invented pasties? Are there cruelty-free pasties that use vegan glue? ¶ Monday, January 09, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Home again: AVN wrap-up
 "I'm definitely coming to the convention next year," a former AVN staffer told me, "but there's no way I can stand another show.""I'm definitely coming to the convention next year," an adult Internet salesperson told me, "but there's no way we're renting a booth again." As I sat in the Venetian ballroom watching my second AVN awards, which featured some truly touching moments from the likes of Lexington Steele and Vanessa Blue, who announced their engagement (the moment was ruined by co-presenter Chi Chi LaRue, who acted like she didn't hear the announcement and really wanted to tell her joke), Rob Black, who apologized to the world and to his wife while accepting his Reuben Sturman award (Lizzie Borden cried), and Larry Flynt who, due to his condition, chooses his words carefully and chooses them well, I observed once again that the real event was out in the hall. Porn suffers most from a lack of follow-through. While millions of dollars were spent putting this convention and awards show together, all Playboy audiences will see (Playboy is going to broadcast the show) is technical difficulties, unfunny and poorly-planned interstitial videos, awkward presentation, and hosting that is close, but not ready for prime time. Where does the money go? The money is in the hotel suites, where company owners who eschewed booths invited clients to seal the deal with the aid of contract girls. The money was in the exchange of business cards, alcohol, and gossip on the convention floor. The actresses who were signing posters and posing for pictures, who made an average of $500 a day, were a front for the bigger deals that went on behind the flimsy partitions of cheap but expensively-made and dearly-rented booths. One startup porn company, after shelling out about $6k for booth space and amenities (booth rental: 100 square feet at $29 per square foot, electronics including DVD player, plasma screen, and speaker: a coupla thousand, two folding chairs at $115 apiece and a stool for the talent at $145, and $1800 for labor) was placed at the back of the convention hall near the GayVN booths and saw very little traffic. "At least delivery was free," the booth operator said. "If we brought all the equipment from Los Angeles we would have had to have the Teamsters carry it from the truck to the booth." Small comfort, though: as they packed up on Sunday they packed several unopened boxes of their posters. While fans waited in line and paid $40 or $50 to get onto the convention floor, a brisk business in ticket scalping was happening online at Craigslist and eBay, where the $250 awards show tickets were being advertised for twice that much. Still, several 10-person tables stood empty while plates of snacks (the best so far said veteran attendees) and bags of novelties like Pussy2Go went untouched. It is a sad fact that people who mean so much to the industries they are part of often preside over companies filled with resentful employees. "I have a much better relationship with Paul Fishbein now that I don't work at AVN," a porn company rep said under the condition of anonymity. I feel the same way. Paul Fishbein has been great to me since he fired me. Similarly, Larry Flynt (and his family) might be controversial within his company, but no one can dispute the impact he has had on the way porn is perceived and the way the First Amendment has been interpreted in the past thirty years. His halting speech onstage concluded with, "The true measure of a great country is the extent to which it leaves its citizens alone." It was difficult to hear most of Flynt's excellent speech, as attendees were moving freely about the room and refusing to shut the fuck up. It is ironic that Flynt is the reason that most of them have the opportunity to be rude at a porn awards show. Both Paul Fishbein and Digital Playground owner and Pirates director Joone, who have both done a lot to make porn more mainstream-friendly, told me that porn should never be fully mainstreamed, lest the whole ship sink. "There has to be something edgy about it or it won't be interesting," Joone said, adding that he sees a time when Digital Playground will make independent films with sex in them rather than exclusively producing porn movies. "We could have made a much sexier Basic Instinct, for example," he said. Mainstreaming was also going on throughout the convention space and awards show, as strict edicts prevented flashing and videos could only display softcore images. Still, it was difficult observing all the porn-specific slow-moving train wrecks that, according to longtime attendees, have always characterized convention week. "The show always starts late, there's always technical difficulties, it always looks like it wasn't rehearsed, there's always an issue getting badges (everyone has their cell phone out trying to get in touch with someone in charge who didn't give the word to the gatekeepers) ... it's the way things are," yet another exhibitor who chose to remain anonymous said. The love/hate relationship with AVN is never so much on display as during this time, as players balance their need to court AVN while keeping their legitimate complaints in check. Despite the complaints, people have fun. No one leaves well-rested. They leave hungover with carry-ons filled with business cards and flyers advertising "exclusive" parties that somehow filled up with the public. They leave with promotional DVDs and clothes that smell, as all Vegas does, like an over-chlorinated swimming pool filled with cigarettes. They leave, like I did, with a resolution to do things slightly differently next year. ¶ Monday, January 09, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Janine: "It might happen today."
 I spoke with Janine Lindemulder a little while before she cleaned up at the AVN awards.Janine shot her first Penthouse spread in 1987 and, now 37, she has been in and out of the industry ever since. She lives in Eugene, Oregon and is planning to be married this year. There have been rumors bouncing around that Janine would leave the business because of this, her third walk down the aisle. Janine now says her fiancee will be able to live with her career. There are more and more successful porn relationships to point to, such as Felicia Fox and Tim Case, who met while working at the Dayton Airport 11 years ago and have been together ever since. Fox said, "It's not like we don't get mad at each other, but we make sure to talk about it immediately and not let things build up." Anyway, Janine is excited about her impending marriage, and not in a porn press release "I'm very excited about the new direction our company is heading" sort of way. "We talked and talked about my continuing to perform," Janine said. "And I had made a conscious decision to be open to a new relationship. Last week he finally decided that he could live with me performing." It takes a special kind of fella to be able to deal with his wife or girlfriend being not only the object of others' desires but also being the receptacle for them. "Sex on film isn't intimacy," she said. "That's not to say I don't try to have chemistry with the people I work with. In fact, I need to have some spark with the people I work with. It's just not the same as being in love with them." I asked what she had planned now that she intended to keep performing. "I don't have plans other than I'm going to continue. I'm 37. I'm at my sexual peak. People ask me if I'm going to do anal. I'm not sure. I try to be open to things. Pirates was a big thing for me because I can really point to it as being good work. I might do anal. Who knows? It might happen today." I had to end the interview then and fight off the crowds who stopped and turned, E.F. Hutton commercial-like, as soon as Janine said that. ¶ Monday, January 09, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Kami Andrews and the lost drinks
 I feared Kami Andrews had been abducted by some CES guys because I had seen everyone I wanted to see at the AVN convention but her. She finally showed up last night and I breathed easy again."You're not dead," I said. "Hells no," she said. Andrews is the only porn star with whom I've eaten at the House of Pies. This will remain special to me. What enrages me is that the House of Pies doesn't have a bar with which I can intoxicate Ms. Andrews and make her do my bidding. Similarly, the line at the bar at the awards show was too long to tank her up, plus the show was starting, so no drinks were had by us. ¶ Sunday, January 08, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Kylie Ireland: contender
 There are fans and there are fans. Kylie Ireland has the latter.She once showed me a multi-page questionnaire a fan had sent her to fill out so he could get answers to the persistent Kylie questions that plagued him. "It happens when you've been in the business over a decade," she said. Fans want a greater stake in you. Kylie has been to twelve consecutive AVN shows. I think that might be a record for talent. Readers: though Janine has been in the business 19 years (her introductory Penthouse spread was in 1987), she has taken breaks. Who is the female porn star with the most consecutive years in the business? ¶ Sunday, January 08, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Ashley Blue: What she isn't
 I asked Ashley Blue what swear-phrases were necessary to maintain her composure throughout the day."I like to call people a Fat Fuckin' Faggot," she said. "It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, either," she continued. "Or their weight?" I asked. "Exactly," she said. "If my pen pissed me off, I'd call it a Fat Fuckin' Faggot, because it is a very pleasant thing to say." In my head, I made out with Ashley Blue for about six hours, until I had to go to the AVN Awards, the Fat Fuckin' Faggot. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Sunny Lane's tender throat
 Best New Starlet contender Sunny Lane has never attended a porn convention as Sunny Lane."I think I was Sunshine when I came here to check it out," she said. I have seen Sunny Lane several times over the course of the convention struggling manfully, if that's the right word (and I know it isn't) with a crush of fans, signing and signing little bits of paper for them. "I've been talking a lot," she rasped. Her live persona is normally much sunnier than the character depicted on the Dark Angels 2: Bloodline poster, but after three straight days of signing, smiling, hugging, and bending over, the two characters seem to be merging into the True Sunny Lane. This might all be speculation, as I am drunk. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Missy Monroe reshingles Gram Ponante Towers And Aviary
 One look at the frank Missy Monroe today, in pasties and bare feet flopping around the JM booth, and I knew what must happen today and every day: she needs to come over the house in exactly that getup, roll the tortillas the way the ancestors I never had did, bake clay rectangles in our family kiln, and reshingle the living fuck out of my roof.I couldn't tell her this, of course, because I'm shy. So I hid behind my profession. I got out my notebook and rollerballs. "Aren't you cold?" I asked. "No," she said. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tina Tyler refuses to stop being hot II
 Tina Tyler wanted edgy Mandy Bright to film Tyler's farewell-to-performance movie before she, Tyler, turned 40."If Mandy could get back from Europe before my birthday, then we'd do a movie," Tyler said, "but she couldn't, and I turned 40, and I decided not to do it." Now Tyler directs for Mercenary, particularly the blowjob-laden Ironhead series. I asked her why she decided to continue being so hot. "Stop being so hot," I said. "No," she said. "Quit it," I said. "Quit it out." "No," she said. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Justine Joli: Man-free and lovin' it!!!
 I asked Justine Joli if people still berate and chastise her about her moral choice to not do men on film."People asked me a lot a few years ago, but it has slowed down," the Prisoner cover cupcake said. "But I kept saying 'No, No, No.'" She seemed adamant, and I admit that I don't want to see her do guys on film because her scene with Jezebelle Bond in Kill Girl Kill 2 was one of the first g/g scenes that made sense to me. I also approve of her impending marriage to Prisoner director DCypher, even though they never asked me. I guess I'm just sad that I don't live in a Bizarro universe in which Joli only does Gram/g scenes. The other day DCypher told me that his Pirates/JesseJane.com lanyard was like the One Ring weighting down his neck. "Maybe you can't carry it, Master DCypher, but I can carry you," I said. "Thank you, Action Gram," he said. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Paul Fishbein: "Somebody turns 18 every day."
 I spoke with AVN president and co-founder Paul Fishbein today.Like a pornische Obi-wan Kenobi, since being canned by AVN I have become more powerful than anyone could ever imagine, so it was odd sweeping back into the AVN booth at the convention with my entourage, pimp cup, phat azz hoz, and bling to talk with my old boss for a side project I'm doing for Cat Fancy. Fishbein started out in video stores in Philadelphia, and AVN grew from a newsletter he put together for store customers in 1983. "Eventually store owners and consumers from around the country wanted to subscribe to it," he said. I asked whether he felt that aspects of the adult market would drop off as other ones expanded. Particularly, would the video store die as more and m0re people got their porn on an iPod? "Somebody turns 18 every day," he said, "and the tactile experience of visiting a video store I can't see losing its attraction in this generation." Fishbein is partners in seven east coast video stores, he said, and he still visits adult bookstores when he travels. "I don't put a quarter in the peep show," he said, "but I look to see what's on the shelves." He notices that mainstream outlets that stock adult titles often have a poorly-organized porn section. "The adult sections are usually a mess at Tower or the Virgin Megastore," he said. "They should have someone knowledgeable putting together the adult section in the same way they organize any other section." He speculates that the standard video store like Blockbuster, which is losing money, would seriously consider stocking adult to save itself, "but I think they'd probably opt to close instead." ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Katja Kassin: Landmädl redux
 There are always exceptions, but your pal Gram prefers women he thinks he could cross the desert on. With that in mind, a while ago I sought out a word that would describe a woman whose qualities combined a voluptuous figure and a canny sensibility. Katja Kassin taught me the word "landmädl" (which I spelled incorrectly last time around)."The landmädl is the woman in the village who is sturdy. She is not smart from books, but she is smart in the ways of the world," she said. "She can bargain prices with the local farmers and craftspeople," I offered. "And the landmaedl is very proud of her body," Kassin continued. I have ordered a fleet of 2006 Dodge Landmädls. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Carmella Bing: a rack in the back
 It's important that you know that I value this nation's porn stars as decent, thoughtful people, and try to eschew conveniently lewd descriptions of my tasty subjects. But God Damn.At a little bar at the end of a larger bar at the other end of yet another bar upstairs at the Aladdin I bumped into Carmella Bing. I wasn't able to make the connection between her degree in child psychology and her opening line, which was "I've done a DP, a DP, a DP, and an anal this week," but I seem to remember the nail in the coffin of her child welfare career was a vague feeling of futility. The difference between us, of course, is that my own feelings of futility are never vague. She now shoots for Digital Playground and thinks it's just a matter of time before she shoots for Billy Glide, which was fortuitous because his was the party I was attending. I don't know how many photographers were in the room - probably as many as the sharks that devoured most of the crew of the U.S.S. Indianapolis - but everyone was focused on the same thing(s). Crap. I did it again. ¶ Saturday, January 07, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 06, 2006
Eva Angelina: How to dodge the draft
 When I heard that Eva Angelina was joining the Navy, I was very sad. When I heard that she wasn't, I was confused. As a service to both you and myself, today I sat down with Eva and found out the scoop."For me, it was always 'Navy or Porn, Navy or Porn'," Angelina said. "So, though I never stopped shooting, in late August I deecided I was going to go into the Navy, but I guess it wasn't meant to be." The issue was her tattoo, which reads "I will love you (Gram) always". "The Navy didn't want a tattoo that was visible through a uniform," she said, "So I started to get it removed. Then they said I couldn't have a tattoo that was visible while wearing a t-shirt. Then, because I didn't graduate from a traditional high school, my recruiter told me they wouldn't take me." "A traditional high school?" She explained it but I am dim. "So there was never anything about your porn career that kept you from going into the Navy?" I saked. "Only one of my recruiters knew, and everybody just said 'Deny, deny, deny'." Angelina said that at the place she went to get her tattoo removed (it's only a little faded now), there were people getting tattoos should the draft be reinstated. "So you can be in porn and get in the Navy but if you have a tattoo you can't?" I asked. "You can't deny a tattoo," she said. Finally, I was curious if her statement in Whores Don't Wear Panties, the part about starting blowjobs but not finishing them, was true. "Yes, it's true," she said. "You're a monster." ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Gina Lynn's feet
 Sometimes life takes you down a different path than that which you expected. Look at me, for example - I used to be Secretary of Commerce.I didn't know too much about Gina Lynn before I met her, but it was important for me to delve as deeply as I possibly could into what makes her tick before the fans got to her. Today, as you know, the convention floor was opened to the fans, so it was difficult maneuvering through the Sands what with all the wheelchairs, rolling suitcases, and, um, loitering adulterers with their camera phones stopping in the middle of the hallway to gawk and drool. Where was I? Oh yes: Gina Lynn. Gina Lynn lives on three acres of woody land in Pennsylvania. "I go to the store in sweats and a ballcap but people still recognize me," she said. The local Wal-Mart is in Amish country, with ample parking for a horse and buggy, and people recognize her there, as well. She flies into L.A. every other month and her new interactive title features segments dealing with her feet. "I didn't know how big the foot fetish market was until I'd been in the business for a while and people started photographing my feet," she said. Her feet are size 4 1/2, but the smallest porn shoes she can get are size 5. "Do you need to stuff them with newspapers like little Depression children?" I asked. "No," she replied triumphantly, "I just wear open-toed shoes." ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Don't mess with Riley Mason
 With the shocking news that the "Don't Mess with Texas" slogan began as an anti-litter campaign twenty years ago, I watched with horror as a couple of fans tried to make Neu Wave Hookers star Riley Mason pose with a banana and then not clean it up when they dropped it on the table which held her promotional material.The odd thing was that she was eating a banana anyway. The offending fan made motions as if to look for a napkin or something, but ended up walking off, leaving a dollop of banana goo on her table. Hell is other people, Riley Mason. ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Melodie Gore on TV
 Mountainous photographer Red Ezra put his site back online along with a blog. I'm enjoying the photographer blog sites like those of Ezra, Jimmy D., and the IShootPorn guy (I forget which is his real name and which is his porn name - just go to his site).Ezra has a talent for combining pinup photography, bondage, and Steveporn-like models with Taschen-style color and lighting. "Melodie's not even a porn girl, really," Ezra said, but so much better than rabbit ears. ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
"You treat objects like women, man."
 I was thinking about this, one of my favorite quotes from The Big Lebowski (starring Jacklyn Lick) when I watched as Shane's World functionaries handed out guns to passersby in order to shoot at Molly Beth and Shyla Marie.Molly Beth will be in that hot tub until closing time, with luck lowering her sperm count sufficiently to be attractive to men. Anyone who can hit the target under Molly's vital area wins a free DVD. A gun was placed in my hands to take aim at the healthy vixen. "Who do I look like, Ted Nugent?" I said, and handed the gun to someone else. What I shoot has no chance of landing in the water. ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Jesse Jane: Inappropriate
 Despite Jesse Jane's recent marriage to someone else, she is still one of my favorite people."You'll find someone else, Gram," she said. "Who?" I cried. "Teagan? Janine? They are lost to me now." I asked Jesse how she was preparing for hosting tomorrow's AVN awards with Greg Fitzsimmons. "Everybody kind of wanted me to play the straight man at first," she said. "But I'm going in there and showing how retarded I am." Jesse is slightly nervous but predicts the fear will melt away as soon as she hits the stage. Co-host comedians are always at a disadvantage at the AVN show, so I think Jesee is going to steal it. I asked her where was the oddest place she was recognized. "I was shopping at a Toys 'R' Us in Oklahoma City," she said, "and some guy with his little daughter recognized me. 'You're Jesse Jane!' His daughter just looked at him." High schoolers spot her and yell "Fuck'n Jesse Jane!" across the street. I can imagine that's very difficult. "But the guy with his daughter," Jesse said, "was kind of inappropriate in about a hundred ways." ¶ Friday, January 06, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Hookers
 The guy who designed my business cards is a genius.Visit Alaska! and give him some more work. ¶ Thursday, January 05, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tyler Faith and CES
 The AVN convention used to be part of the Consumer Electronics Show several years ago, but both independent conventions are still held the same week, allowing for porners to comingle and fraternize with their paunchier co-conventioneers, each of whom has his cell phone clipped to the outside of his pants.Two CES-goers' conversation overheard on the shuttle, upon witnessing a porn girl walk by: "She could be the new sales associate," "Ha ha ha (cough! cough!)" "We could have her handle the sales calls." "Ha ha ha (cough!)" "She could make the outgoing sales calls," "Ha ha ha!" In the elevator, a man spotted my name badge. His name was Jimmy from Wisconsin. He is an IT manager. "You with the porn convention?" "Yes." "What do you do? Check the girls out for AIDS?" "No, I usually just fuck them until their brains cave in. Stop asking stupid questions." (Tyler Faith was innocent of any of this. She just happened to be in Las Vegas at the same time all this was happening.) ¶ Thursday, January 05, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Jana Cova: Czech, please
 Brno's own Jana Cova travels to Porn Valley regularly via a 15-hour plane trip. I asked the sylphlike Digital Playground contract star about the advantages of being a commodity in one place and a relative unknown at home in the Czech Republic."No one knows 'Jana Cova' there," she said, "so it is nice to walk around in jeans and sneakers." Nothing about the quaint architecture, the village idiot, the fishwives, the pale poets dying for love or tuberculosis in the square. Nothing that would convince me of her unbearable lightness. "I am America's Porn Journalist," I said slowly. "These fansite answers offend me." Cova thought a moment and said: "I want to fuck Jesse Jane and Janine." "Awesome." There is no official word from Digital Playground about when this will happen, Readers, but I will be there. ¶ Thursday, January 05, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Flower Tucci's ass directives
 Flower Tucci and I have been friends since we both drove ambulances in Ossining.Today I asked her if the constant standing required of porn babes at conventions like this was tough on the legs. "No," she said, "years of reverse cowgirl really helps." "Thank you, Flower." "Don't leave without my ass," she said. "All right." ¶ Thursday, January 05, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Kylie Kross and Joanna Angel: Two Easy Pieces?
 More or less the only brunettes in the entire Sands Convention Center (other than the help), Kylie Kross and Joanna Angel, when posing together tat to tat, look like two pieces of a simple and life-affirming puzzle.
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Thursday, January 05, 2006
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Night zero
 At a Digital Playground dinner thrown in my honor (at least that's what my invitation read), Jack's Playground, etc. director Robby D. explained why it was wrong that I asked January Penthouse Pet Heather Vandeven if she would rather be photographed in lingerie in front of a waterfall or in some Chatsworth warehouse with some slob waving his junk at her.Vandeven, a pal of Sophia Santi, was about to answer, but Robby interrupted. He was always interrupting, that fucking guy. "You have to match like with like," he said. "She's not a porn girl. Jana (Cova)'s not a porn girl. Sophia (Santi)'s not a porn girl. Get a porn girl and she'll say, 'Fuck the waterfall; give me ten guys who can come on my face.'" I thought this was fair, and it illustrated my prejudice that all women who take off their clothes and tweak their nipples are "porn girls". Still, what are all those non porn girls doing working for a porn company? Santi related a story of getting alcohol poisoning when she was 16 from drinking eight beers and a half bottle of tequila. I guess that sounds porny enough for me. We were married three minutes later. I'd never seen an actual Penthouse key before. Vandeven was wearing one around her neck. We couldn't figure out where it went.  Out in the hallway of the Venetian, the 4'10", 38DDD Devyn Devine got on her knees on the carpet. She's from Seattle."I shoot all across the country," she said. I asked her if particular cities offered her stranger gigs. "When I go to New York, they usually have me jumping around for jiggly booby-type things," she said. "Me too," I sobbed.  At the Peppermill Lounge, it was Hollie Stevens' 24th birthday. She spent it mugging for the camera with hopeful porn documentarian Cat Pee. Leave it to the professionals, Pee.Pee shot some extra footage for Atomic Vixens featuring Ron Jeremy as Christ at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Shooting without a permit, the crew was antsy. "I'm Ron Jeremy," the man himself said. "No one will arrest me." Meanwhile, Royster's film crew was causing a commotion and several members were denied alcohol. "Peanut butter, white boy," crewmember Chester shrieked. Witnessing this, Hollie Stevens related the story of when her pot-smoking roommate from last year's convention blew so much smoke in the room that they couldn't let housekeeping in for three days. Stevens missed the show that year because the contact was so powerful. Drugs are bad, Penny Flame. ¶ Thursday, January 05, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Day zero
 Today I drove in to Vegas with my valet, stopping at the Outpost in Dario Argento's Hesperia for some non-buffet grub. Arriving at length in the press area at the Sands, I suffered the humiliation of having to recite my real name to the temp at the folding table."His passport says RONNIE JAMES DIO," the horrible woman kept shouting. I'd show you a picture, but James Thurber is dead. A woman was passing around lanyards. "I will take a lanyard, please," I said. Jesse Jane is now around my neck. That woman will never let me be. Anyway, I got my press pass, which is slightly less substantive this year than in previous years. Apparently somebody got a deal on holograms. Apparently I only work for Fleshbot, too. ¶ Wednesday, January 04, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Baker's Dozen 7
 In the future, everyone will pull out and come on everyone else's face, zeroing the population and creating more room for me and my fleet of vehicles.Baker's Dozen 7 from Platinum X features Alicia Alighatti, Layla, Hillary Scott, Hailey Young, Katie Ray, and Lisa Sparxxx. There is a lot going on in this movie. A lot of sodden work involving heads caving in due to semen draping. And it's a group effort. People should work together as often as possible. ¶ Wednesday, January 04, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
AVN preview
 As a service to everyone who might find their booth furniture ($2100) not delivered, their high-speed Internet service ($1895) not hooked up, or their contract stars overdosed (priceless), I have taken the liberty of pre-writing AVN's show opening article.The Adult Entertainment Expo opened today to unprecedented crowds. "We're very excited about the next few days," AVN President Paul Fishbein told AVN.com in an exclusive interview. "We have more exhibitors, more stars, and more fans than ever before. I'm very excited." Also excited were the numerous company owners whose studios are represented on the floor of the Sands Convention Center in Las Vegas. "We are very excited," said Digital Playground's Joone. His partner, Samantha Lewis, added, "What is particularly exciting is the presence of our contract stars, especially Jesse Jane, who is hosting the AVN Awards." Jane, who is hosting the AVN Awards, said she was excited. "I am very excited to be hosting the AVN Awards," Jane giggled. "I can't wait to see who wins!" Exhibiting an alternative form of excitement were VCA's stable of directors and stars. "I'm excited about making porn for that couple," Eon McKai said, pointing to a mohawked pair loitering nearby. "What really excites me, though, is this new band I found on MySpace. Wait a minute - I have their stickers somewhere. Hold on, I'll get some." In another booth, Jeff Mullen of AllMediaPlay expressed his excitement. "I just got blown in the bathroom," Mullen said. "It was exciting. But in the walk from the bathroom to here, I've completely forgotten who it was. I hope it wasn't someone my company doesn't represent." Up and coming starlet Puma Swede (pictured) was excited to be licking a trophy. "Trophy licking is awesome," she told AVN.com. "You guys are great!" Gram Ponante, spokesmodel for the Former AVN Staffers of America (Local 314), said, "I'm still waiting to get into last year's PurePlay party." Check back for constant exciting and unprecedented updates. ¶ Tuesday, January 03, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
"Her passion and energy were unreal."
 Jenna Jameson has handpicked Arizona's own Chanel St. James (I wonder if she's from the Apache Junction St. Jameses?) as the newest ClubJenna Girl."I invited her to do a girl-girl scene with McKenzie Lee," said Jameson, who enjoys eating sausage pizzas with me and shooting at cans. " She was naturally a little nervous because it was her first scene, but she was amazing -- her passion and energy were unreal." At this my ears perked up. The last person I'd heard of with unreal passion and energy was Damian Thorn, head of the Thorn Corporation and the son of the Devil. St. James' measurements (until she changes shape and devours you) are 34/22/34. ¶ Tuesday, January 03, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Dildopolis Returns
 Phallix Glass (not to be confused with Phallix Trebek) has roped Playmate Christi Shake to hawk its functional glassily erotic wares.One can tell Phallix is classy because it got a Playboy model, rather than some toothless skank, to pose vulvically with its hand-blown products. I don't know what "hand-blown" means. I think the company must have hired Mork. ¶ Tuesday, January 03, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
You had me at "multi-platform"
 Penthouse is making an appearance at the AEE, hoping to regain a Vaseline-y toehold on the industry by avoiding copy like "Dear Penthouse Forum: Yesterday I was pumping gas and scratching myself when my old babysitter from when I was ten pulled up in a hatchback. You know what they say about hatchbacks! Anyway, we fucked" and instead going with the following:"Penthouse to showcase worldwide multi-platform." What the hell does that mean? That doesn't give me an erection! Well, you can bet I cried a big wet tear for the magazine that introduced me to Valerie Perrine, and I chose to not read about the Invitation-only Lingerie party, because Janine stole my underwear. ¶ Tuesday, January 03, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Doctor Is in You
 Lurid (meaning shocking or gruesome - why do people not check the dictionary before naming their companies?) Entertainment, producer of The Doctor Is in You, is giving away an XBox 360 and sundry video iPods during its launch at this year's AEE.I don't have an XBox because I have sex with women, but the security guard of Gram Ponante Towers and Aviary recently mocked my iPod. "You've got one of the classic ones," he said, poking at my 40Gb music-only model from 14 months ago with his shillelagh. "It's from November 2004!" I wailed. "I'll give you 25 bucks for it," he said. I shouldn't complain, because I have two extra parking spaces just for keeping the bastard supplied with movies with Jersey Jaxin in them. Anyway, Lurid Entertainment is another company setting its sites on delivering Hi-Def adult content for anyone capable of viewing it, and hedging its bets by delivering the same content via lesser codecs on two-disc sets. Lurid is very proud to both produce and digitize its content in-house (unless that's a lie, like certain FX houses attached to production companies). I'd show you some Lurid Entertainment titles, but their website is even worse than mine. ¶ Monday, January 02, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
No Navy for Eva
 Speaking of events that will happen after the convention is like wondering what kind of car I'm going to drive in Hell.Regardless, I spoke with the pleasant and clothed Lisa Ann of LA Direct Models about "Up and Comers Night" at Rouge, a peeler bar in Van Nuys. Up and Comers is billed as a package deal of porn stars who also feature dance. The evening will culminate in 8 x 10s, DVDs, and lap dances. This inaugural event on January 10, dubbed "Latin Night", features Jenaveve Jolie, Havana Ginger, Alyssa Knite, and Eva Angelina. "Eva Angelina?" I said. As if she just wanted to go home, Lisa Ann replied. "Yes, Eva Angelina. What's your next question?" "Didn't she tell everybody she's going into the Navy? Hasn't she left the business?" "That's old news, baby," Lisa Ann said. "But I heard it, like, three weeks ago," I protested. "Eva Angelina is still in the industry, but we don't handle her. She fits with the Latin Night theme." "I don't believe anything anymore." "It is what it is, honey." All right, so she never ran off to join the Navy, but you can't still call her an up and comer, can you? I think you stop being an up and comer after you've shot more than 50 scenes, but I might just need to loosen up. ¶ Monday, January 02, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
How Warner Brothers treats porn
 I hate when people don't do their homework. Somebody from a certain infotainment show is going to tape a segment on me in Las Vegas and kept asking me really dumb questions, like "Give me an example of some stories you have on your website." After several minutes of questions like this, I finally said, "Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I am America's Porn Journalist. You can get all this information from my site and then call me back for the esoteric stuff, like how I used to be the lead singer of Haircut 100." She replied, "I would read your site, but the bastards blocked it." Curse you, Warner Brothers. ¶ Monday, January 02, 2006 1 Comments Links to this post
What Larry Flynt is up to
 "Gram, I have known you a long time and now you are my publicist," Larry Flynt did not say to me over a swimming pool filled with multi-colored gelatin cubes and cocaine. "That is why I'd like to tell you about some of the things my contented staff and associates have planned for the new year.""The Year One? When Satan, laughing, spreads his wings?" I asked. "That's the one," he said. "Now get me a goddamn cheeseburger." Ron Royster and his gang of longhairs, thwarted from hosting an alternative Stevepornstar Karaoke, are promoting Atomic Vixens with the following postcard.  Says Royster, "Man, we're gonna go guerilla on this one. No one is not going to know about this movie." "Will you be advertising the movie in Silverton, Jean, Pahrump, and Salt Lake City?" I asked. "Fuck those clowns," he said. "Only porn people buy porn."  Multi-hatted Eon McKai is mixing promos for Hustler and VCA for broadcast on the show floor. Promo reels can have all manner of unlicensed stuff in them as long as they are not released for distribution, so he is using Love & Rockets and Rancid songs."The promo reel clips movies from me, Ron Royster, Joanna Angel, Joe Gallant, Parking Lot Pimpin', Zupko, etc.," he said, "and lists us as 'Award-winning directors'. I'm assuming that by Sunday at least part of that will actually be true." ¶ Monday, January 02, 2006 0 Comments Links to this post
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