Tyler Faith has accepted the marriage proposal of Wayne C. Lewis.

"He took me to Kelly's Roast Beef and had me dig through some clam chowder for the ring," Faith said, but I knew she was kidding; I've seen her nails.

Lewis (AKA Wankus) popped the question in the living room of Faith's family home in Saugus, MA, after clearing hs intentions with Faith's mother and grandmother.

"They were on the couch bawling," Faith said. "We all said Yes."

This is great news.

I asked Wankus what people outside the industry don't understand about porn marriages.

"Don't get me wrong," he said. "It's going to be tough. We've had tough times already. But we've made it through those tough times without resorting to some of the things that break up other relationships.

"We're still two normal people," he continued, "so I wanted the proposal to reflect who we really are rather than some kind of sideshow."

Tyler has been easing away from onscreen performance, but will continue dancing for a few years. "I'm 30, so I'm not getting any younger," Faith said (this blew my mind; I thought Wankus was robbing the cradle). "I'm going to focus more on my business."

But the couple will not be turning their backs on the business that brought them together; they will be married on Nantucket this summer. There aren't any good limericks about Studio City.

We here at Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, and Finishing School wish the newly-branded Tykus much happiness. I will be singing the UnFAITHful Secrets theme song at the wedding.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

This is Loverboy's 1981 album containing the chart-toppers "Take me to the Top" and "(Only the) Lucky Ones".



This is the new Hustler spy spoof starring Dick Smothers Jr., Katie Morgan, Shy Love, and Bree. I can hardly wait for Get Luckiest!

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Janine and Sophia Santi star in Digital Playground's Way of the Dragon, which is described as "a surreal journey through a sensual dreamscape of Asian customs, fantasies, and sexual delights".

I, for one, laud Digital Playground's bold move to not have any Asians in the film. I believe that anything that purports to explore a culture's customs, fantasies, and sexual delights should have as few living representatives of that culture as possible, so as not to muck it up.

This is why I really like when humans play people from space, rather than actual government-captured aliens.

Mike South also notes the incongruous use of both Chinese and Japanese imagery in the trailer. See? Porn brings us all together. It is a shame there are no leprechauns in it.

Way of the Dragon also stars Sara Stone, Marie Luv, Jamie Huxley, Charmaine Star, Marlena, Penny Flame, Jamie Lynn, Celeste Star, Bobbi Blair, and Lorraine Spaughton. I guess they didn't have enough money in the budget after Pirates for Richard Chamberlain.

You may view the honorable trailer here.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, December 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Atomic Vixens was once a dream a few people had; now it is a MySpace page in anticipation of a marketing push of guerilla proportions at the AVN convention.

While someone like me should not be complaining about the pages loaded with bad HTML that characterize 90 percent of MySpace sites, the simple truth that even someone like me is complaining about pages loaded with bad HTML has to mean something. That and the fact that every poetry-scrawling, wrist-cutting, drum-and-bass-listening, Dr. Seuss footwear-wearing, vocal fry-having, notebook doodling, bra-stuffing, camera phone using, male makeup-applying, text-messaging, OC-watching trustafarian has a MySpace account (and spends 12 hours a day there) is of concern to me.

Still, the web is an important emerging technology; I read about it in all the highly professional trade magazines!!! !!! !!!

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

If brevity is the soul of wit, than Metro's Only Handjobs is the wittiest film of the year.

The conclusion: brevity is not the soul of wit.

Only Handjobs, starring Dani Woodward, is an unfortunate title. If I were to ask my wife, the mail-order sensation Bombastacula McQueefirine, what she had been doing all day while I labored under the hot pornish sun to hear her reply "Only Handjobs", well, you can bet she'd be back on the slow boat to AssFukt2kistan.

"Only Handjobs" indicates that there's nothing special going on. "Only Handjobs" suggests that Woodward, Sara Stone, Marissa Jayden, Stephanie Trip, Angela Stone, Hailey Paige, Taya Silvers, Amber Wild, Sophie Dee, Kaiya Lynn, and Kat wanted to do something more, but a repressive patriarchy kept them back.

As you know, I like to keep my pimp hand strong. Can you imagine what I be do to some track ho if she be step to me wid fitty dollas from a night of "only handjobs"?

"Swing on deze nuts!" I be say, etc.

Only Handjobs is available now. (I understand the DVD only features handjobs.)

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The Free Speech Coalition has joined the American Civil Liberties Union and the First Amendment Lawyers' Association to file an amicus brief on behalf of a Florida webmaster who gave soldiers access to one of his porn sites in exchange for graphic war photos he used for Internet-based protest literature.

Lakeland resident Christopher Wilson solicited "gruesome" war snapshots from soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan in exchange for access to an amateur porn site. Wilson was jailed when the transactions were discovered by U.S. military officials.

His arrest was for posting the amateur porn, which has not been ruled obscene, rather than for posting the war photos.

“This case is typical of how obscenity law can be misused to censor unpopular speech,” said Michelle L. Freridge, Executive Director of the Free Speech Coalition.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I have been off solving mysteries today but I wanted to tell you the following things:

Cupcake
I liked Prisoner. The movie was tight. It also made me want to fill out an application as a correctional officer.

Betrayal
Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees is worse than a thousand Bob Friedlands. Some people know how bad this is.

Awakening
Trenchant photographer/director Jimmy D. suggests you read GramPonante.com stoned, makes initials out of America's Porn Journalist that are seven letters away from America's Worst Nightmare, and suggests I sodomized myself. All wonderfully, horribly true.

The Process
About the headline: it's so much better than Thursday Wrap-up, don't you think?

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, December 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The Bible would label it a stone-worthy offense.

Hot Boxxx has released She Licks Girls, in which several heavy smokers from the old country listen to Falco and get all Sapphic with one another.

The stars include Bobbi Eden and Silvia Saint, but for fans of religious porn names, one can't do much better than Anastasia Christ.

The connection between porn and religious imagery is easily understood, but maybe "Anastasia Christ" is going too far. And it's a girl/girl film, too, so it's not like there will be any nail-like penetrations.

In addition to Christ, Saint, Eve, and Eden, She Licks Girls stars Barbara, Mya Diamond, Cindy, Gina Blond, Peaches, and Pussycat.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Kickass Pictures is now distributing videos for your iPod or other similar portable device.

They also have a website and e-mail capabilities, as well as a fax machine.

It will soon become commonplace that porn companies deliver their material in mp4 format for iPods. If you are a porn company, the process involves encoding your scenes slightly differently (or having your brother in-law do it), building a web page, and looking at how much everyone else is charging. It's that simple!!! In fact, it doesn't really warrant a press release.

I casually commented that Digital Playground was offering scenes by this method and then received a press release about it from them two weeks later.

Anyway, Kickass has capitalized on the iTunes motif and has a better-looking site, offering clips of Dillan Lauren, Mary Carey, Nadia Styles, and Sandra Romain.

Check out PornoForPortables here.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

One of my favorite titles of this year was Mr. Pete's Ass Fukt. The name was simple and to the point, yet the fukt indicated there might be surprises around every turn. There weren't, but Liliane Tiger and the rest of the Eurohotties involved delivered streamlined and disaffected performances, as robust and efficient as their cell phone networks.

Ass Fukt 2 stars Jasmine Tame and, apparently, the Holy Ghost. If I were Carol Ann, I wouldn't go into that light, so thank my Catholic God I'm not. Joining Tame are Georgia Peach, Hailey Page, Mia Bangg, and Annie Cruz.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Hollywood's Erotic Museum will hold an erotic party on New Year's Erotic Eve, People without other erotic plans are encouraged to, you know, wear something erotic or cocktail attire, at least one syllable of which could be construed as erotic.

"Valley of the Dolls" will be screened and ticketholders will receive two complimentary glasses of champagne and admission to the entire museum. There will be bodypainting but, depending on who is being painted, that could either be erotic or a human rights violation.

Your $65 (or $40 if you're a member, also an erotic word) gets you all this but no blowjobs. Blowjobs aren't erotic - they're fun.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Director/Buddhist Roy Karch turns *an age* today at about 4:16 p.m. according to his ephemeris.

When asked if there was a(n) universal theme expressed in the thousands of porn titles he has directed since about 1979, Karch confirmed that "all my shit has shit in it."

We sincerely hope Karch spends his birthday deep inside something half his age.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I think I might have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because I cannot rouse myself to get excited about the Hustler film 5 People You Meet in Porn, despite the fleshy cast. This happens when the person writing the press release doesn't have access to the film and needs to invent quotes like:

"I like the looks I get as a porn star," Harmony admits. "I'm a big attention whore and I love all those guys looking at me, checking me out and wondering if I'm as good in bed as I am in the videos. Sometimes I whisper in their ear that I am. In the movie, there's a porn director, agent, manager, drug dealer and a cop, so aside from all the porn stars, it is like the people you meet in porn and the sex is hot."

I think the title is what is causing me pain. 5 People You Meet in Porn could be the title of any movie you have seen since I invented pornography in 1428. It is a title that says, "I have given up."

A much better title would be A Porn Director, Agent, Manager, Drug Dealer And a Cop. It would be like a Peter Greenaway movie you could enjoy.

The newly-retitled A Porn Director, Agent, Manager, Drug Dealer And a Cop stars Harmony, Angela Stone, Jamie Huxley, Tiffany Taylor, and Brooke Haven,

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, December 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I really like the message board XPT even if it refuses to advertise this site, thus denying me income and keeping me from realizing my full potential. The site has its share of boneheads but regular commenters provide a nice backstage view of the porn industry.

There is also a refreshing lack of the constant litigiousness on XPT that characterizes many other message boards, where everybody threatens to sue everybody else, or encourages each other to sue everybody else.

My lassitude is apparent by posting their entire celebratory press release below. I believe I got a tapeworm off'n one of them bodypaint girls last night, and I think I might crawl off and die somewhere.

#####

XXX Porn Talk Signs Up 3000th Member
The once rogue porn forum has firmly established itself as industry staple.

Chatsworth, CA – XXX Porn Talk (XPT) is pleased to announce that it has recently signed up its 3,000th member. The popular porn message forum was established nearly three years ago as a place for porn insiders (talent, directors, producers, and the like) to interact with fans in a nearly uncensored environment. While this level of freedom was feared by some, and resented by others, to many XPT was a welcomed alternative to other, much more heavily censored and excessively moderated message boards.

In the years since its founding XPT has enlisted an ever increasing legion of posters as well as a vast number of “lurkers” who have yet to muster enough courage to join. “We give our posters a really unprecedented amount of freedom to voice their opinions about the porn industry, our products, and the people involved in the masturbatory arts,” explains forum administrator Tony Malice, “For me this has meant more than a few angry phone calls and death threats.”

Since it’s inception XPT has welcomed members of the adult talent pool to join the site to connect with their fans and as a means of promoting their genital services to production companies. Active members on the site past and present have included Ashley Blue, Melissa Lauren, Jenna Jameson, Hillary Scott, Sierra Sinn, Isabel Ice, Hannah Harper, Hailey Young, Leah Luv, forum moderators Gen Padova and Gia Jordan, Brandon Iron, as well as other male talent too worthless to name here. “I’ll never forget the day that Jenna Jameson called me an asshole and quit posting on the board,” explains a reflective Tony Malice, “It’s a moment I will tell my grandkids about.”

It should be noted that at the time of this press release, XPT officially has 3,022 members, 3,000 of whom are actual members, and 22 of whom are fake aliases created by Brandon Iron to promote A Good Source of Iron #5. While XPT encourages directors to promote their movies and users to post their reviews, the site attempts to adhere to the rules of common decency and decorum and does frown upon directors reviewing their own titles.

Over the years XPT has been involved in its fair share of controversy, and postings from the site are frequently lifted from and quoted on other popular industry gossip sites. The Monkey Cage, moderated by the both feared and venerated gossip monger Smelly Monkey, has been the source of several such stories, including the reporting of the death of patient zero, Marc Wallace, who unfortunately turned out not to be dead.

Internet radio show host and frequent visitor to several Van Nuys based eyebrow waxing facilities Wankus is a frequent target of barbs from XPT posters. “Those guys over there really hate me,” complains Wankus, “I should probably just kill myself, but instead I just shoot them my best ‘blue steel’ and take my mind off of it by tricking a naïve newbie porn girl into blowing me on my radio show for fake publicity.”

The management, staff, and moderators of XXX Porn Talk would like to thank all of the fans and industry insiders who contribute to, and read the site day in and day out. Without their input and support porn gossip addicts and smut mongers would be forced to read other much more boring sites moderated by politically correct power hungry control freaks. What a sad day that would be. Read, join, and contribute to the site today at http://www.xxxporntalk.com/.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, December 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

David Aaron Clark is now releasing retrospectives of his orienterrific films. Does this mean he has entered the twilight of his career? Will he soon be standing at lecterns with Jenna Jameson receiving awards for advancing Porn's cause?

No, he will not. Clark and Jameson have not been seen in the same location, ever. That is because Jenna Jameson is David Aaron Clark. Think about it.

Dreaming of Snow and Chasing Angels are compilations of some of Clark's favorite scenes from his Asian erotica, with audio commentaries and (this is exciting) "liner notes by leading porn critics". There's never any sex and drugs for the liner notes guy, let me tell you.

I would be disappointed if the liner notes included any of these words:

"Strokeable."
"Rvs CG>CG>69>FIP>stills."
"Cooze."

But I'd be delighted to read:

"Vulvalicious."

The compilations star Nyomi Marcela, Lucy Thai, Annie Cruz, and many others whose names I couldn't read.

posted by Gram the Man at