...to the 2257 smackdown. The harsh pornumentation law was supposed to go into effect on June 23, then FSC legal eagles won a temporary restraining order that would cover FSC members until September.

Phone banks were rented to accommodate all the new FSC memberships at $50 a pop. Month-long extensions of the TRO have been filed and re-filed since September.

I am thinking of hiring FSC lawyers to negotiate my monthly mortgage payments.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

We don't usually announce feature dance schedules on this site because this is porn and peeling is fine art, but we feel as The Stranger did of The Dude about jessica drake and dig her style.

drake will be dancing at the Spearmint Rhino on Olympic over the next three nights in order to show that, like D.R.E., she still has love for the streets.

I like jessica drake because, at the XRCO Awards, she knew right away that I was not Teagan Presley.

The Spearmint Rhino markets itself as an upscale gentlemen's club and features a private jet on its website. That's how you know it's classy. Personally I think using the word "upscale" is protesting too much, but I suppose "these women won't sit on your face and do shots with you" was too big for the sign.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

There is something about Cram and Grip Johnson that makes their blatant misogyny in films like MILF Meat and Donkey Punch, as well as the items in their Butt'er Face canon, seem wholesome, American, and fun-loving.

So a donkey punch, according to your college roommate who knew all about this stuff but never actually delivered one except to his sister, maybe, is when a man having anal sex with a woman will punch her in the back of the head at the moment of his climax, thus making her anus pucker to increase his pleasure.

The Johnson Bros. assemble the likes of Deja Daire, Rachel Luv, Alex Divine, and Haley Scott to be punched in the back of the head whilst sexing.

I asked Cram Johnson if any of the women punched back, like Deja Daire, who has that look about her.

"Deja is a team player," he said. "As long as you let her know what's going on she can take anything."

I learned about donkey punches in 1996, when I had to resort to quaintly-formatted web pages with distracting animated .GIFs for my deviant information, rather than first-hand through a service I employ in which someone will come over my house and run through all the latest trends with me to enhance my effectivenesss as America's Porn Journalist. It's like Norton's Live Update program except my neighbors are real jealous.

I asked Johnson if anyone needed to be told prior to the shoot what a donkey punch was.

"It got explained to everybody," he said, just in case regional variations of the technique crept in. "It's basically fuck them 'til you're about to cum, then punch as you're coming to tighten the anus around your cock for an enhanced orgasm."

I reminded Johnson that those were the very words Thomas Jefferson used in original drafts of the charter for the Commonwealth of Virginia.

The majestic credits sequence, linked here, looks more like donkey taps than punches, so I don't know why anybody should have a problem with this movie and why it, too, can't be shown at Carnegie-Mellon University for the low price of one's student activities fee.

"If you're into watching women suffer it will make you laugh hysterically," Johnson said, adding that that probably came out wrong.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 30, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Assuming that the genies aren't still in the bottle when the creaming is happening to them, we heartily endorse Colossal's I Cream on Genie 2, starring Penny Flame, Brooke, Kelly Wells, and Tyla Wynn, provided Major Bellows doesn't find out.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

When in doubt, if there's a group of overweight guys in a room wearing clothes from ten years ago who think they're funny, it's the morning drive team from a radio station. It doesn't matter if it's KROQ or this group of gentlemen from Albuquerque's 94 Rock, wackily posing with Hannah Harper - you can always depend on fellows like this to have such little respect for their own intelligence that they will point at what they think someone like you might otherwise miss in a photograph.


The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was an equally dumb Doobie Brothers picture that young Gram encountered in a 1979 Columbia Record and Tape Club catalog (yes, I was born in 1979).


The only reason the Doobies got away with this is because IT WAS 1979.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 29, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Listen: like you, I enjoy life immensely when my massive cock is stuffed in Stacy Thorn's mouth, ass, and pussy. (My cock was referenced in the Warren Commission report.)

But for Maximum Exposure's Sinful Pleasures division to name a movie Fucked in Every Hole (volume 1), I need to see a hell of a lot more holes than just the safe big three. I need to see a Blackburn, Lancashire amount of holes.

In addition to MAP, there should also be nostrils, eye sockets, pores, hair follicles, ears, and the navel. The woman should look like a character from Hellraiser. Then and only then should a movie be named Fucked in Every Hole.

This film also stars Eva Angelina, Poppy Morgan, Mia Bangg, Gia Jordan, and Lisa Sparxxx. From the boxcover I glean that the guy on the left is one of the lesser Baldwin brothers and the guy on the right is saying, "The fuck did I drop my Funyuns?"

Seriously. Ever since someone called a woman who hadn't actually given birth a MILF this industry has gone right down the tubes.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 29, 2005 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Now that the AVN nominations have been announced, publicity departments across Porn Valley and Porn Valley-adjacent have been scrambling to let people like me know how many nods their companies and stars have received.

Today Digital Playground told me that it would demand to get all its awards up front at the ceremony so everyone could beat the traffic home. Metro said it was proud of its Most Publicists nomination. Gene Ross was pissed that he wasn't considered for Best Marketing-Individual Project for Skeeter Kerkove. Vivid, since The New Devil in Miss Jones is the most nominated film of all time, announced that it is renaming its cafeteria Jenna-rations.

As my mother said to me in seventh grade, when my essay about Ashlyn Gere, "I Would Like to Mount You Like a Stamp", wasn't published in the school newspaper, "Gram, you're lucky to be doing what you're doing."

And that is why I say to each of the companies nominated that it doesn't matter if you win or not - it should be enough that I want to have sex with at least ten of your employees (unless the studio is Falcon - no offense fellas).

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 29, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Tera Patrick has signed a seven-year distribution deal with Vivid, promising (about) four movies a year.

"Might be four movies, might be ten movies, might be no goddamn movies," Patrick did not say, adding, "you'd better appreciate whatever I give you."

Patrick pondered the direction her new movies would take, and opted for a realistic style.

"In one movie I am on my llama ranch, in another my dad owns Kendall Jackson Winery, in another I am a registered nurse, and in the fourth movie I survive two plane crashes."

A lot of things come in seven-year packages, including the voyages of Sinbad, bankruptcy clearance, rabbinical sabbaticals, Saturn Returns, the itch, and fine woodworking apprenticeships.

In other Tera news, two members of the Tera Patrick agency will be appearing on HustlerLive tomorrow night from 5-8 (PST): Tiffani DiGivanni and Angie Savage. In the interest of full disclosure, HustlerLive employs the service of one of this site's sponsors, Flirt4Free.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

While Charles Darwin never stuck candles in Carmen Luvana's ass, it is fitting that the man behind the theory of evolution and the movie that best represents survival of the fittest in a field of monkeys should share the pages of Newsweek this month.

Digital Playground has capitalized on the publicity and released a Natural Selection Edition of Pirates, featuring Jesse Jane's views on which beetles she would eat if she were a predatory bird and Janine's refutation of Intelligent Design.

"If MILFs didn't exist," she did not say, "we would create them."

Pirates, an idea that came to Digital Playground director Joone as he was staring at a monolith that appeared in his pool, has been nominated for several thousand AVN awards.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

James DiGiorgio has upped the ante for interactive DVDs by doubling the viewing material.

While referencing Tina Turner might attract the Oprah's Book Club crowd, My Private Dancer also seeks to snare people for whom a single porn star responding to DVD menu commands has grown as stale as the cum-soaked dishtowels remaining after the divorce.

Do I offend you? Am I vulgar? Domestic abuse requires a strong response. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Anyway, Jimmy D. has big plans for the self-produced series. The first volume, starring Cytherea and Cindy Crawford, arrives next week, to be followed by the Monica Mayhem/Regan Anthony version. Issue 3 will be shooting some time before Christmas.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Texas' Asshole Massacre is a fun movie, if a little long (and the chapter stops are oddly placed). Starring Salome, who is Kami Andrews' Richard Bachman except with no discernible difference, the movie proves yet again that Andrews would have done a better job than Sofia Coppola in Godfather III.

That said, I think porn's target demographic is getting a little too old for Vietnam flashback jokes. Read the review here.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

His-voice-gets-only-more-annoying-during-pledge-drive KPCC AirTalk host Larry Mantle proves not only the gall to skirt porn in his bleating-for-attention two hours devoted to "film talk" this Friday (Nov. 25), he forgets to invite the chicks, and as anybody in The Industry can tell you, they're the only reason we gots sex in the first place.

That's right, it looks like the "The National Society of Film Critics" [sic] (yes!: they remain oblivious to the fact that "film criticism" = tits on a boar hog, last anyone noticed) has seen fit to document what's a bit racy (according to the geek crew) in mainstream these days with their The X List: [A] Guide to the Movies that Turn Us On.

Oh, thank you so much.

I mean, goddamnit, Larry, no, it's not okay for you to give Richard Schickel airtime in which to paw my Eustachian tube with his "what turns me on" philosophizing. Gross.

And ohmigod, Adult, you oughta hear the dismissiveness with which your canon is dispatched--Kulkis, for crying out loud! I KNOW you listen to this shit! Where was your call-in, dude? Porn was reduced to the mechanics of "pistons" by these yahoos, who seem to have inferred (silence means approval) from their one or two brushes with Product some inhuman quoi? which they attribute with keeping the gargantuan machinery of pornography alive.

Puh-leeze.

It's also IMPOSSIBLE that Mantle proceeded to address sex in cinema without ONE representative from half the human race, but fuck him, anyways.

Maybe then his voice would change.

xox, Eugenie Brown (via G.P., mouthpiece of THE GODS)

posted by Eugenie Brown at Friday, November 25, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

The Da Vinci Code, possibly the worst book of the last decade (even more shameful because I read the whole thing) is being loosely adapted for porn movie immortalization as The Da Vinci Load in time for February's release of the Ron Howard/Tom Hanks mainstream version.

"There isn't much that is similar to the other story," said Hustler producer Drew Rosenfeld of the Jerome Tanner-directed film. Thank married God. Although there will be an art gallery set built at LFP's Chatsworth facility.

I think the only way to redeem that book is to make a porn movie out of it. Bravo, Hustler! Let's hope Angels And Semen is next.

New Hustler contract star Kaden Kross (I am almost certain I spelled that wrong - please help me out) will star, along with Missy Monroe and Hailey Paige. Memphis Monroe and Joey Hart are the other two newly-minted Hustler contract girls, the three of them replacing Jessica Jaymes, that homewrecker.

Rosenfeld told me that the three contract girl plan will feature Kentuckian Memphis Monroe as the girl next door, Hart, by virtue of her coming from Cambridge, MA, as the college girl, and Kross will be a fetishy dominatrix type. "Although I don't know what she knows about being a dominatrix, being all of 19," Rosenfeld said.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, November 25, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Here at Gram Ponante Towers, we are thankful for a year in which the site went from cybersquatting to international recognition in just a few months, without resorting to the physical brutality that has characterized our other ventures. What's more exciting is that Gram Ponante has actually been dead since 1978. One more reason why Gram is like 'pac. Peace, dawg (spill beer on grave).

To our American readers: have a great Thanksgiving and thanks for your support this year. To the international glitterati in your Vespas, 419 scams, and Sharka Blue: Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra? quam diu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet? quem ad finem sese effrenata iactabit audacia? Nihilne te nocturnum praesidium Palati, nihil urbis vigiliae, nihil timor populi, nihil concursus bonorum omnium, nihil hic munitissimus habendi senatus locus, nihil horum ora voltusque moverunt? Patere tua consilia non sentis, constrictam iam horum omnium scientia teneri coniurationem tuam non vides? Quid proxima, quid superiore nocte egeris, ubi fueris, quos convocaveris, quid consilii ceperis, quem nostrum ignorare arbitraris? O tempora, o mores! (I mean, seriously.) Senatus haec intellegit. Consul videt; hic tamen vivit. Vivit? immo vero etiam in senatum venit, fit publici consilii particeps, notat et designat oculis ad caedem unum quemque nostrum. Nos autem fortes viri satis facere rei publicae videmur, si istius furorem ac tela vitemus. Ad mortem te, Catilina, duci iussu consulis iam pridem oportebat, in te conferri pestem, quam tu in nos [omnes iam diu] machinaris.

Thanks also to Harmony Rose, here, who makes smoking look fun.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, November 24, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

AVN usually releases its award nominations just prior to Thanksgiving, but the announcement is usually made late in the afternoon on Wednesday to avoid the angry calls. And with their new database that allows for delayed publishing, they could have easily hit the timer and fled the building.

But no. The nominations list went up with this morning's early post. Has hell broken loose at 9414 Eton Ave., what with no mention for Eon McKai, no nomination for Best Post-AVN career for me, and no attention paid to the many fine Inuit-themed porns out there, such as Eski-Hos? Sources say Yes, but that is as per usual.

While connections can be made between marketing campaigns, advertising dollars, production budgets, and nominations, there are a number of low-budget films on the nominations list. Still, I would take a Psychocandy over a Catherine or Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island any day.

I will be posting links to my reviews of some of the movies nominated in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, here is a picture of Best New Starlet nominee Trina Michaels.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 23, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Ron Royster invites the remnants of the adult industry over the hill and into Hollywood for his first ever Abandoned Pornstar Thanksgiving. I'll let him set the scene:

Abandoned Porn Star Karaoke
Join all of the porn industry workers who couldn't clean up in time or
weren't invited home for Thanksgiving. All the fun of porn star karaoke,
with 1/2 of the douchebags!

Hosted by 3 highly inebriated Asian ladies.
Free food and Quell (while supplies last)!

9pm-2am
The Smog Cutter
864 North Virgil Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90029-2941
Phone: 323 667 9832

I've suffered for my art, now it's everyone else's turn!

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

It was a fractious Porn Star Karaoke last night. I arrived in an otherworldly mood. Porn manager/squirt canvas Harry Weiss was talking with gadfly/renaissance man Wankus about a bygone era.

"We used to do this comedy show called 'Giggles & Jiggles'", Weiss said. "It would be comedians alternating with strippers. Like the old days. You'd think porn stars and comedy would go well together."

"There used to be a porn star sketch show at the Improv," Wankus added. "It got real blue real fast. But the management got kind of scared, even though the houses were packed."

I thought about a time when that would have been possible and wondered if it would ever be again. My birthday is Friday and I will then be able to go to World Modeling and say things like, "I am twice your age."

Underscoring my feeling of corruption and despair, Lurk Ford showed up. He started taking pictures of anything that moved. Cloud patterns, an ant, people trying to shop, people trying to flee.

He and a local woman are pretending to be dating. I know this because Lurk has abandoned his paparazzo weasel persona and adopted a publicist weasel persona, opening conversations with "We've been trying to make a Jewish baby." This is like someone catching my eye across a room and saying "this awards show is not fixed."

I was disheartened until Wankus broke into a rap.

Inside the place was calm, soon to be raucous. It was Black Widow Night so there were German Goo Girls giveaways. I have yet to watch a GGG movie. Perhaps I will bring one to the Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I will present it as a lost chapter of the Jamestown colony.

On stage, someone was singing "Ice Ice Baby". Wayne Hentai suggested that other factions of the room start signing "Under Pressure". This would be like the "Deutschland Uber Alles/Marsellaise" sing-off in Casablance. I was of a divided mind.

Aubrey sang a song, backed up by Kelsey Michaels and another woman. She has a powerful voice.

I talked with Sardo's impresario Seymour. He has only taken a few days off in almost three years (his third anniversary as manager is January 1, 2006). He and his staff of badass bouncers and hot waitresses with hearts of gold have always been very nice to me. Seymour himself is like a coffee-drinking Mr. Rourke.

I mention this because a friend recently said he had a great hassle getting into Sardo's with his celebrity entourage one night. I assume it is because Sardo's has a One Goofball policy, and I usually get there first.

I had three conversations in which I was chastised for not knowing the work of a porn legend. One person said, "Gram, she has appeared in over 1,000 sex scenes! How can you not know her?"

"I was gazing at my own reflection." I am often content knowing that legends walk among us, even if I don't recognize them. Isn't it enough that they know they're legends?

Two weeks ago I heard a guy who must be in his fifties say to a 19-year-old who didn't have to drive herself to the party because she has a chauffeur now, "I can't believe you don't know who I am."

I am looking forward to saying stuff like that at every opportunity. "Um, I suppose you've heard of the blogosphere?"

I needed to get bagels for my house full of women. I left after my blistering rendition of "Cracklin' Rosie". There was a woman in the parking lot whom I hadn't seen in a year. She's an Internet model back in town for Thanksgiving. I asked what she thought about squawstitution.

"I'll do anything for stuffing," she said.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, November 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I'm not big into getting exclusives, but one thing I really enjoy is getting things LAST. It allows me to provide more thoughtful commentary once all the excitement has died down and people have returned to their lives.

While we all knew when and in what city Jesse Jane was getting married, I for one thought there were no photos out there, simply because that was what I was told.

Here, then, are some pictures of Jesse, her son, her new husband Rich, and her bridesmaids on Defiance Films' site. Everyone looks great! I bet the buffet was awesome.

In this photo, the AVN awards host is captured saying "I can't believe you're talking my picture. This upsets me. Rigid control over the dissemination of my image is and has always been my mantra. Have some dip!"

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 22, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Benny Profane slipped a movie into my drink the other day. It stars Kandi Kaos (pictured) and Zoe Matthews. Here is a review. Spoiler alert: don't eat the cake.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 22, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Christina Aguilera married music executive Jordan Bratman this weekend in northern California. The bride wore flowers and jewels in her hair and the groom came dressed as an XBiz award nominee.

Invited guests mingled and celebrated, while bride and groom toasted, cut the cake and performed all the traditional wedding acts.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, November 22, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Though an Orientalist by training, David Aaron Clark has employed Italy's fumetti ("tiny clouds") style in his latest film, Suspicious Minds, starring one of the Nyomis and Destiny.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

If Blue Velvet's Frank Booth used Roxy Music's Bryan Ferry as a surrogate to conceive a child with Mountain's Leslie West, Ron Royster would be the result.

Royster is directing Atomic Vixens: Beyond the Valley of the Sluts for VCA. Royster is like a lot of guys I knew in sixth grade, except his love of Foghat didn't result in a forfeiture of his will to live. Instead of a life of industrial dishwashing in Maine which is where smart metal kids of my acquaintance ended up, Royster found work as a roadie, events planner, and musician with a very sunny outlook that probably has a lot to do with not living in Porn Valley.

A resident of Chapel Hill, NC, Royster was hired to compile a soundtrack of porn scores from the libraries of Adam & Eve. When he was unable to find anything he liked, he offered the money back. Someone said, "and what kind of porn movie would you make?"

The result was Alternative Worldz: Atlanta, which is being given retroactive credit for the beginning of the altporn movement and which was supposed to be the first of a series of documentaries on the underground sex scenes of American cities. That might not happen, but Royster used Jade Starr in his first film and will also be using her in Atomic Vixens.

"I think there's room for a whole lot of us in the industry who are more into the erotica side of things," Royster said. He employed the services of millennial pinup photographer Octavio Arizala for Atomic Vixens. Arizala created several Esquivelian sets, including a spaceship for Lacie Heart and Ashley Steel.

What with fripperies like a functional set and buying lunch for the crew, Atomic Vixens, Royster's fourth film and first for VCA, might have gone over budget.

"I've got a bathtub of PBR, though," Royster said.

Royster will be staying in Hollywood through the editing of the film, which wrapped last night with a James Bond-style silhouette dance by Mika Tan. Tan also did a double dong scene with Starr a few days earlier. "No one cannot be in love with Mika Tan," Royster said.

Tan was the first porn star I ever met. She was the person who dropped hard science on the set of Sin City's Whoriental Sex Academy 4 when director Bud Lee suggested she get some lunch between scenes and she said, "I can't eat Baja Fresh; I'm doing anal later." This was common sense that I hadn't considered before.

Tan and I talked about short people.

"Steve Tyler is short," I said.

"Glenn Danzig is short," she said.

"The Scorpions' Klaus Miner is short, as is Ronnie James Dio," I said.

"There are more midget rock bands than you'd think," she said. During the foreign language segments of Atomic Vixens, Tan improvised "I taste like dog." She should be given millions of dollars.

Lacie Heart recited some Latin during her climactic scene with Ashley Steel. Latin will never die now.

Royster echoed the words of Tom Zupko. "I try to get along with everybody. I'm not into feuds or haters or douchebags. I was at a party the other night and there was this guy there who was like, 'I fucked your mother in the eye." That's great, but I love women. If there's room for people like that, there's room for me."

Royster attended UNC-Chapel Hill for a while but dropped out. "My film teacher had directed a few episodes of Bonanza," he said. "He made us watch them like they were Citizen Kane."

I asked if various adult industry luminaries rubbed him the same way, as if their bukkake series, let's say, should be viewed like Citizen Kane.

"It was all I could do not to lick the double dong Jade and Mika used," he said. This was humility.

Royster's sets are informal and light. At the wrap party there was a tub of Mexican macaroni and cheese that should not be used before or after an anal scene. It still courses through me like it's the train they call The City of New Orleans. Tan demonstrated how a pile driver had resulted in a cracked vertebra and said she'd been to physical therapy for it.

"I told the doctor I'd fallen down the stairs," she said. "He said, 'this injury isn't usually consistent with falling down stairs, but if you say so.'"

People came and went. They drank beer around a formica table. No one boasted, unbidden, of getting blow jobs in the bathroom. Arizala and I talked about the perils of tiki scholarship.

"You don't want to call a Samoan tiki a Hawaiian tiki," he said. His pinup book is coming out in February.

In the other room of the party, the stereo played the following: Foghat (twice), BTO, Mountain, ELO (twice), Focus (Hocus Pocus), Zeppelin, and Nazareth (but not Love Hurts).

It should be pointed out that, for the most part, the term altporn was used five or six times by the likes of people like Eon McKai and then took on a life of its own. The result has labeled McKai, as well as producer/incipient director Malachi Ecks, Psychocandy creator Benny Profane, Joanna Angel, and the group that associates with them, as disrespectful egomaniacs, when in fact they have a very realistic view of the quality of their work and are often embarrassed that it sells well.

I mention this because I wondered, prior to meeting Royster, if the hype had created a false rivalry between him and the Steveporn crowd. The answer was No. All of the above, save for Angel, who has to at least make appearances in Williamsburg now and then, has provided assistance to Atomic Vixens. Profane even loaded the truck.

"Plus, I call what I do Glamorcore," Royster said.

Arizala's gallery from Atomic Vixens here.

My gallery here.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, November 21, 2005 | 4 Comments Links to this post

The Kurt Lockwood/Nashville Pussy AIM detox bed benefit show scheduled for tonight at the Knitting Factory has been cancelled. Word is that NP's van rolled over.

Why Lockwood isn't going on alone for an event he was supposed to be headlining anyway is a puzzlement. The absence of a band only mentioned peripherally in the (porn) press material should mean nothing.

Nashville Pussy's website and other message boards dedicated to the band do not mention Lockwood's band on the bill, nor that the show was a benefit. The question, then, is how much of a "benefit" this show really was to have been. The Knitting Factory says that it was actually NP's gig.

Luckily AIM is still getting all that Stones and Eagles money.

Labels: kurt lockwood

posted by Gram the Man at Saturday, November 19, 2005 | 8 Comments Links to this post

"Come and see the dark side of the trunk of Michael Ninn's car. See how it is opulently lined with velvet, its mossy sides pressed with overstock Catherines and Neo-Pornographias. I bid you peruse its groundbreaking richness and see parts of the trunk you have never seen before - or to which you were scared to venture! Come! Join me as I drive around the erotic countryside, peddling rich Budapestian smutteries to Odyssey Videos here and in the enticing hinterlands. Dare to pump sensual gases in the libidinous Citgos of my mind. You have not seen the last of my genius."

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, November 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The most difficult thing about the first two Harry Potter movies was THEY SUCKED. The third, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, was dark, broody, and worthy of fans' attention. Now Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire director Mike Newell has chosen to cast French actress Clemence Poesy as grating freedom wizard Fleur Delacouer.

The stunt casting involved in the previous three movies has not been so effective, but I sure do like where this one is going.

Here is Poesy flouncing around ripely in the French film Bienvenue Chez les Rozes.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, November 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

My first day at AVN was three years ago today. I had worked for several adult companies and websites before that - and since - but AVN was the first place that gave me free Internet. There wasn't a company computer for me so I used Darren Roberts' PowerBook G4. Everyone else had a junky PC so I was happy for the break.

As most of my interactions with the industry before AVN had been on porn sets and with individuals, I was often surprised how buttoned down a company which made its money from naked ladies was; people only emerged from their cubicles when the lunch truck came. There was little socializing. Complaints would be made to the boss if one talked too loud.

Though there seemed to be an effort to stamp it out, fun was had at AVN. I met Belladonna my first day, eastern mystic David Aaron Clark that week, and a lot of the talented writers who are still on my e-mail list: Steve Ochs, Frank Majors, Tod-Hunter, Ken Michaels, Tripp Daniels, Dan Miller, Scott Ross, Mark Kernes, Wayne Hentai, and the delightful Rebecca Gray. Susie Mid-America was still in the building, but she was hiding in her office for the final weeks before she started at JM Productions.

I was warned to stay away from the bloggers, functioning then as the little planes that bedeviled the King Kong that was AVN. I read their sites a few times. They seemed curmudgeonly, venal, and differently-abled. I still feel that way, but now I like them.

It was not a dream job, but it was a job that, until they canned me (I still don't know why), I did well. It has always been difficult for me to work within certain restrictions that I find onerous, however, and maybe that's why I was let go. The same is true of most people who work in the adult industry; they're a little dissatisfied with other people's rules. Often they end up making dumb rules of their own. (Other times they make art.)

On my first day I was instant messaging a friend during my lunch break. "Check out Cherry Rain," I wrote (she married Paul Fishbein this year). She looked like a girl on my high school swim team.

Coming down the hall was the Human Resources lady, Elaine. I don't know how Elaine managed to keep us all in office furniture and lightbulbs with her quarter-hourly smoke breaks (oh that's right: she didn't), but she was one of the henchpeople who roamed the building. As a non-smoker, I was wary of her. I heard her chastising art department submissive Jay Moyes in a gravelly voice.

Elaine: Well, you'll have to get it signed again.
Jay: OK. (sob)

I thought that if Elaine saw me instant messaging someone she would scold me. So I quickly switched back to a browser window where I was reviewing a German film full of feces and lacerated vaginas. Elaine showed up seconds later, peering at my screen.

"Enjoying your first day?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, November 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post