| --Monday, October 31, 2005--
Desires: this time they're carnal
Sandee Westgate's second release for Maximum Xposure, Carnal Desires, stars Westgate, Kirsten Price, Anita Dark, Crissy Moran, Amy Reid, and Austin Kincaid. The film was directed by newcomer Josh Ryan.
Not "noted director", not "critically-acclaimed", not "industry veteran" but newcomer Josh Ryan. Granted, there's not much else one can say to describe a newcomer, but I appreciate Maximum Xposure for not trying to. Others might bend over backwards lauding Ryan's revolutionary style or how his multiple-font boxcover technique was going to change the industry.
I find it amazing, though, that the name Carnal Desires wasn't already taken.
The trailer features brief glimpses of the action, including this shot of Annie Lennox. It also does that thing (which I love) where the dictionary entry of the title is presented. Just in case we don't know the meaning of the words "carnal" and "desire", a handy definition and pronunciation precedes the trailer.
I defy anyone who reads porn message boards or blogs for one day to not come across at least one definition.
This is how it usually goes:
pornfan620: your a fuckin asshole for slandering me you homosexual faggot loupperchtounge: According to Webster's English Dictionary, "slander" is defined as ...
or
eddieinfla: next time I see you at the webmaster convention I'll fuckin kick your bitch ass you low traffic-getting bitch affiliatekingX: According to the American Heritage Dictionary, "bitch" is defined as ...
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Amateur Night
The big parties were this weekend, so tonight I'll be handing out hermetically-sealed baglets of candy corn to children and Lethal Hardcore titles to their dads. Gram Ponante Towers is very popular in the neighborhood.
I didn't make any of the porn parties this weekend, but it didn't matter. Halloween is Amateur Porn Night, anyway. Not to be all Pornblography about it, but I was at a party on the other side of the hill and had this conversation:
Woman in stripper costume: So, what do you do? Me: Among other things, I am America's Porn Journalist.
Woman: What? Me: I write about porn.
Woman: Oh my God. Me: What do you do? Are you a healthcare provider?
Woman: What? No. You hang around with porn people? That's gross. I'm in payroll. Me: Why is it gross? (She works for the payroll company SAG and AFTRA are currently suing for misappropriation of funds). Woman: I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Me: Why? Are you cold?
Woman's friend (wearing bondage outfit): The girls only do that stuff because they're crackheads. Me: Some are crackheads. Guy: You should read his site. Pomegranate, right? Pomegranate.com? Me: No.
Woman: You make a living at this? Me: Yes. Guy: Do you fuck them? Woman's friend: Gross! Me: Mmmmm. Woman: How is what they do different from prostitution? Me: It isn't, except it's safer. Woman: ... just a bunch of fucking prostitutes.
The woman got madder and madder. I usually don't bring up what I do in mixed company because I'd really rather drink and eat chips. Later she and I bonded over a disputed Jagermeister recipe. Later still she and her friend made out for jello shots and a Playstation game.
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Like Shangri-La beneath the summer moon
Why someone named Persia is included in the cover art for a film called Pakistani Gone Bad is a puzzlement (It's like tuning in to Wild On! Ibiza and getting Nashua, New Hampshire instead) but the real news is that Leisure Time Digital (not to be confused with this) is letting the sun beat down upon the face of Kashmiri culture through the medium of hardcore pornography.
Pakistan's nuclear capabilities may still trail those of rival India, but Pakistani Gone Bad once again evens the porn gap between the two countries.
Nine out of ten secret elders of gentle races agree that porn featuring desert peoples is hotter than that of its arctic counterparts, anyway.
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Mind your boxcovers
Forget about bad spelling (wow, that was fast): a British court has fined a mail-order porn company for false advertising because a customer complained that what was promised on the boxcover wasn't in evidence on the video.
Sound familiar?
Let's say, for example, that you have an Asians line but supplement it with diminutive Mexican girls. Or only 3/5 of the girls in your squirting video actually do.
Pabo Ltd., which was also nailed for, well, being a mail order porn company, had no information on which of its titles was singled out as misleading.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Saturday, October 29, 2005--
Autumn Bliss' point of goo
Undoctored, this is a pretty clinical picture of our pal Autumn Bliss in Legend's Steve Holmes' P.O.V. Sluts. With our 2257-enhanced Photoshop magic, Bliss' parts become a Schroedinger's box of possibilities (welcome ADT posters); anything might be inside.
Legend's two new POV lines (the other is Herb Collins P.O.V. Casting Couch) are advertised with the (true) claim that no one wants to see the guy in these movies (or any movie, for that matter - imagine how much better The Hot Spot would have been, for example, if Jennifer Connelly and Virginia Madsen only needed to play off each other). Why, then, are the guys' names even in the title?
It's not like there is a need to be Alfred Hitchcock to direct a P.O.V. movie; there are only so many angles available when the cameraman is also the talent. "Nice zoom to the labe, Steve."
The only film that can possibly benefit from the director's name in the title is Gram Ponante's NutFeast, because everyone in that Salvadoran bus station signed her name with an X.
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Have you ever been in a Mexican jail?
I talked with Sex.com hijacker Steve Cohen in April. He claimed a Monaco address and called me from London. Among other things, he said he didn't groove on Mexican jails.
“Mexican jails are not pretty,” he said. “You have to have your family bring you food. A friend had to put up his house for my bail.”
Cohen had been arrested for trying to export a larger-than-allowable amount of money from Mexico.
Cohen was again apprehended last week in Mexico on an outstanding U.S. warrant concerning the $65 (or so) million he owes in the Sex.com case. He was extradited to the U.S. and now languishes in a San Diego cell. Very rarely does anyone do anything in prison but languish.
"If I win, I win,” he'd said in his phone call. “If I lose, I lose. But I have no doubt that I will win if this comes back.”
Now Cohen will get the chance to prove his prediction.
“Stephen Cohen is an international fugitive and a convicted criminal,” Sex.com owner Gary Kremen told me in April. “But I’d have drinks with him in Monte Carlo.”
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--Friday, October 28, 2005--
Every day is Halloween
Here is Jesse Jane at Halloween last year (we needed something to tip the bellhop and didn't have any cash). Notice anything different from any other day of the year?
(Well, she wears a little hat at Christmas.)
This weekend women will be dressing up as "sexy"-something or other, and their dates, at least the straight ones, will arrive covered in blood or try to be clever.
They just don't get it.
I think I will hedge my bets and go as Goblin Cock.
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Reviews: This plane don't land on Sin Island
Naming a place where no one has sex for eight years "Sin Island" is like naming a place without forests or an ocean view "Sylmar". But everyone around here would like to fly Air Jaymes.
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Halloween debauchery part 3: The XXXorcist
Every Halloween, those crazy kids at BurningAngel create a porn spoof of a classic horror film (last year it was Re-Penetrator and next year I'm hoping it will be Chlamydiodrome) and host a little party in filthy New York City.
The profits don't go to support the Rutgers Alumni Association.
The screening of 2005's Halloween release, The XXXorcist, will be at midnight Saturday at the Pioneer Theatre on East Third Street. Admission is $9. The blood of Christ compels you to go.
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Halloween debauchery part 2: the erotic kind
The Erotic Museum is showing two sexy slasher movies: Flesh for Frankenstein (Joe Dalessandro and Udo Kier) and Blood for Dracula ("The blood of these whores is killing me") at a Halloween party this Saturday from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Tickets are $20 or free for Erotic Museum members.
I think Frankenstein got the better deal, but it's still not as good as Blowjobs for Gram.
You should probably get in your costume, go to the Erotic Museum, and then head over to the Day After party. Why? My entourage probably will have grown shocked at my behavior by then, and I'll need a ride.
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Possa engooped
If you think the headline sounds like Kofi Annan's replacement, then you are one of the millions of people who have stumbled onto this site in your search for world peace and powder blue helmeting.
No, this post is about Mari Possa, the receptionist-turned-ass receptionist of Seymore Butts and his Sepulveda Blvd.-based anal empire.
Bongmaker-turned-marital aid broker Pipedream has lovingly cast Mari Possa's womanly parts in rubber for your enjoyment as well as roadside safety. The bouncy replicas of Mari Possa's money makers will be available in full and pocket-sized versions.
We're happy that Mari has abandoned that whole flipping-the-bird thing so common to the gang over at Family Business.
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Halloween debauchery
Remember those big multi-company porn parties that were all the rage as late as June, where the mailing lists of Intoxicate U met those of Jeff Mullen and the result was free drink tickets for me? Where champagne rooms were set aside for photo sessions and people began investing heavily in pimp cups?
Well they're back.
This Saturday every company in the world (including, by accident, Exxon) as well as The Artist Movement and Danny B. Productions, is sponsoring the "Heaven and Hell Dollhouse" Halloween party at Day After in Hollywood. Numerous starlets will attend, money will change hands, and guys who look like Dodi Fayed will frisk me. But that's OK, because Brooke Hunter, Mercedez, and Kristin Price have already agreed to be there.
Or have they?
Who knows? But these things are always crowded and fun, and num'rous business deals have been negotiated over the heads of other guys' dates.
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--Thursday, October 27, 2005--
Not the Kurt Lockwoods
That Not Kurt Lockwood wrote a very funny latently homosexual rant on PornOhs is one thing, but I would really like to believe that Not Kurt Lockwood also wrote this, er, rebuttal and denial to AVN. Why do I wish this to be so? Because it's dumb:
"Dear AVN I need your help. Some cowardly, self-loathing, loser posted a rather lengthy and really disgustingly homophobic rant on one of the hate-ridden "gossip" sites and said they were me. (I don't want to give it any press here. E-mail me and I will give you the link.) I DID NOT WRITE THIS! Usually, I would just ignore these haters as I am too busy actually shooting movies nearly everyday in this business or too busy celebrating my one year anniversary living with my girlfriend, SAMANTHA RYAN, but this new low of actually STEALING MY IDENTITY went too far. I just found out about this today and I guess whatever hater posted this, did so to try to influence AVN voting. I have friends like Vivid Director Chi Chi La Rue and Playgirl Dir. Kelly Holland's P.M. Jim Steele who are both openly gay and whom I consider friends and would not want them offended by this purile garbage from this imposter. Thanks for listening. Sincerely The REAL Kurt Lockwood P.S. If you or anybody reading this can e-mail me as to any possible legal steps I can take towards this gossip site and its owners for slander or identity theft please send them to Kurt@KurtLockwood.com."
Someone is trying to destroy Kurt Lockwood and it is either Not Kurt Lockwood or Kurt Lockwood.
(image swiped from Lurk Ford.)Labels: kurt lockwood
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Don't hate: celebrate
It goes with the territory that I, as a tall man, am fabulously endowed. I do not lord this over my shorter brethren, nor do I shy away from the awesome responsibility that packing hammers entails.
That is why I take issue with the album cover of the latest release by Cock Goblin, sent to me by a reader who worried that someone might appropriate my idea for Gram Ponante's Goo Goblins.
I think if my dick were that big I would
1. Not feel the need to put a big ring through it (cock piercings are like little red sportscars). 2. Not let it rest on my filthy mead-hall floor (what if Grendel's mom came back?) 3. Not keep it close to open flame. 4. BE SMILING ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
If you like nondescript metal as well as druids fighting robots with Little Leaguers, watch the video. One can imagine the release forms the kids' parents had to sign allowing their offspring to be in the Goblin Cock video.
With band members taking names like "Lord Phallus" and "Bane Ass-Pounder", however, it is clear that, like Necro, Goblin Cock does not have the subtle sophistication demanded by members of the porn community.
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Review: Mason's Sluts
Field operative Eugenie Brown was moved to tears by Mason's Sluts, starring new property owner Kami Andrews and featuring everyone's favorite porn airplane hangar.
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--Wednesday, October 26, 2005--
Jenny McCarthy back in my life
Jenny McCarthy will co-host, with what'shername, a Halloween bash at the Hard Rock in Vega$ this Sunday, delivering $10K in cash and prizes to lucky revelers.
The corn-fed Illinois native is the cousin of the woman who plays Suki on The Gilmore Girls and is the subject of the only pornography I ever purchased in my life, when I rented a night of Playboy TV in 1994.
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You ought to give Iowa a try
You remember the strip club announcer from Atom Egoyan's Exotica? That guy was creepy. At the risk of sounding exactly like him, let's talk about Brianna Benton.
She's 26 and from Iowa. She looks haunted. Just in time for Halloween, then, Agency X, a newer company that opened its doors in August, is announcing this newcomer's availability for "just about anything".
In an industry which enMILFs anyone over 24, we're kind of wondering over here just what is Ms. Benton's story. Why the career change? This is usually the age when veteran starlets begin thinking about the next move, like "Should I date a porn journalist?" etc.
If I were a filmmaker, I would cast Ms. Benton as the eldest daughter caring for her abusive dad (abusive dads not too much of a stretch in this business), watching porn as her only means to escape a life of domestic drudgery and horror. Then she could be liberated by a bunch of bondage midgets in Cirque du Soleil outfits.
Naturally I think Michael Ninn should direct it.
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Taryn Thomas tours hinterlands
Many of Gram's dearest friends hail from Phoenix (hellish place that it is); that is why you might want to stop by Stevi Secret's All Nude Cabaret to check out Anal Incorporated's Taryn Thomas November 3 - 5.
The Cabaret is located on Central Avenue, west of South Mountain, east of the pretzel factory, and north of the place Gram Ponante Towers gets its toner cartridges. All in all, the Sexiest Place on Earth.
Don't be weirded out that Thomas looks like Vishnu in this picture.
One should support legal adult activities in Phoenix, thus helping them to remain legal.
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Run to the hills
One of the things I like about Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's is its tendency to become surreal. Check out the gallery to see what I mean. Here is a picture of Puma Swede licking a trophy. Where else does this sort of thing happen? Where else does anyone have a name like Puma Swede?
Don't get me wrong; things can get old (except for me, because I have learned the secrets of the coccoon), like "Baby Got Back" or those guys who show up every now and then to sing "Separate Ways". But other things will always be fresh, like my alcohol consumption.
Keiko and Rob Longshot once again arrived with new haircuts. "I was getting tired of re-bleaching," Keiko said. "I've been working with bands," Longshot said.
At one point Wankus put on a white robe and began stalking the audience. Olivia O'Lovely was wearing a shirt which read "Brown-Eyed Girl". I told her that that was George Bush's favorite song (I learned this fact last weekend at one of the Valley's many 7-11s where KRTH was playing).
"Brown eye", as you know, is a euphemism for anal sex, which I think is a relevant commentary on what the current administration is doing to the country.
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--Tuesday, October 25, 2005--
Hey: you got your fantasy in my sin
Torrid Films has released Fanta-Sin: two great tastes that taste great together, starring Shy Love, Paola Rey, and Taylor Rain.
Did you know that Fanta Cola was created in WWII Germany by former Coca Cola bottlers who'd been mandated to not do business with the Americans? Fanta, then, became the light refreshment of the Nazi Party. This has nothing to do with co-stars Holly Morgan and Celeste Star. Penthouse Pets are not National Socialists, generally.
Not only do Fantasy and Sin collide in this film, warns the press release, they collide head on.
This is good, because Fantasy/Sin fender-benders decrease my load size considerably.
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Sunny Lane encounters evil
In that it takes about six years to load, the Dark Angels 2 teaser is just that.
Still, it provides a different image of Sunny Lane than has been on display in her recent PR blitz by Svengali/celebrity chef Jeff Mullen.
"I find myself battling forces society, the church, and our government barely acknowledge, much less comprehend (giggle)," Lane did not say.
One sees very litttle evidence of vampirism in the teaser that cannot be explained away by science or Intelligent Design, but Nic Andrews' film does pose an important question: Do vampires want to have sex with us?
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A.S.S. Mayhem
Monica Mayhem has signed with Adult Staffing Services for representation. You should go to their site. The way it sizes and resizes is refreshing.
In many ways, the adult side of the entertainment industry is much like the mainstream side. One can still see production assistants from Warner Brothers rubbing elbows with production assistants from Sin City in the bulk Power Bar aisle at Costco.
Talent agents and managers on both sides of the hill charge similar rates for similar services, with certain exceptions.
"I might charge more if I have to drive talent to a shoot and sit there all day," said manager Harry Weiss, "but generally people know how to drive themselves."
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--Monday, October 24, 2005--
Grumpy Old Squirts
Pokemon character Roxy Jezel signs on to be a squirt dummy in Axel Braun's Squirting 101, volume 10.
The premise of the Squirting 101 series is to gather some guys (in this case, "college students") to get women to squirt under Braun's tutelage. The results, we are told, are often hilarious, sometimes requiring Braun to step in with his Lloyd's of London-insured hands.
No, Braun doesn't step in on his hands.
I'd like to think, though, that this late in the series Braun might have developed a curmudgeonly Walter Matthau-style persona, so that when he has to demonstrate yet again his squirting prowess he says things like, "God Damn It! How many times do I have to show you?" shuffling in with his Budweiser and racing form.
posted by Gram the Man
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em sevol annaoJ
Here are some stalker photos from the Joanna's Angels party at the Beauty Bar, courtesy of Cleveland's own Sean Carnage. Joanna signed my poster in Hebrew.
Proving that she is a triple threat (porn actress, Talmud scholar, peeler), Angel busted some fly moves on the stripper pole.
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Sizemore, Hilton, Mikayla, and Death
Not to be a Paris Hilton apologist (though there is an Associates program at SUNY-New Paltz for that very thing), but it is understandable that she might not remember Tom Sizemore, even though she is pictured here in a photo Vivid has unearthed to further publicize Sizemore's sex tape.
Hilton has denied knowing Sizemore, not wanting to be associated with anything tawdry.
As a trained porn sociologist, I know that anyone who is being photographed with a finger in her mouth can't be trusted to pay attention to anything around her. Hilton probably doesn't remember Mikayla, either. (I don't remember Mikayla.)
It is also possible that the three people pictured are not who Vivid says they are. It is just as likely that the three are Bjork, an emaciated Taylor Wane, and Wankus.
The one positive ID is the hand to the left. It is Fate, reminding us we are all going to die.
posted by Gram the Man
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Publisher vets lube
Playgirl and Pipedream have collaborated on a series of lubes and other industrial unguents designed to unleash your inner closted gay man.
A spokesperson for Playgirl confirmed that Pipedream had manufactured the Signature Collection under Playgirl's guidance. The series contains four different flavors of massage oil (sorry, no Phillip Michael Thomas), a toy cleaner, and a personal lubricant for the alone times.
What impresses me is the skill set required to both publish a women's softcore beefcake magazine and understand the science behind developing non-toxic water soluble marital aids. Have you ever tried to manufacture lubes at home? As a writer, I have, many times.
Finally I had to give up, saying, "I should really get a degree in chemical engineering before I attempt this again."
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--Saturday, October 22, 2005--
Old School v. Neu School
I have eaten pizza with Jimmy D., whose glorious photo of Katie Kruz is at the left, and I have had alcohol with Eon McKai, whose Kill Girl Kill 3 poster is at the right. (I have not taken meth with Joanna Angel, though we keep trying to make a date for it.)
I can't imagine anyone who has sat across a table from me in fellowship having any kind of feud, therefore, but there you go.
Strictly on the basis of the visual, I think I'd be much more receptive to Katie Kruz showing up at Ponante Towers asking me to listen to Joni Mitchell records than the KGK3 girls, simply because Katie seems more focused. I really don't know what's going on on the KGK3 cover, but they don't seem to be paying attention to each other. How can the likes of that please Gram?
There is always room at the House of Pies.
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--Friday, October 21, 2005--
What Is Lex Thinking?
Like you, I spend a lot of time wondering what Lexington Steele is ruminating on. Here he is on the cover of Top Guns 3. What do you think he might be thinking?
1. I have climbed up Kami Andrews' building. I hope she doesn't notice me peeking in the window at her. I wish those planes would stop shooting at me.
2. Is Gauge aiming her AR-15 at Kami's girly parts?
3. Excuse me; I just burped slightly.
4. Should I edit an anthology of male perspectives on the porn industry?
5. Why is Kami looking at her bookcase that way?
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Chick flicks
Whenever I hear the words "erotica for women, by women" I imagine the output of various San Francisco and Austin outlets featuring buzzcut ladies named Mo with music by their friends' bands. The goings-on on their patchoulli-scented futons don't touch me in that special place, but I'm sure they cock (sorry) a pierced eyebrow at my choices in pornography as well.
Lately, for example, I've been enjoying Skeerotica, in which couples shove Skee-balls into each other at arcades in Old Orchard Beach, Maine.
Anyway, Kelly Holland (aka Toni English, who directed Naked Hollywood with Asia Carrere, pictured) of Playgirl TV created Chick Media, a company that produces erotica for women, by women. One of their efforts is called My Sex Therapist. I'd link to it but the site isn't up yet.
Here's what the press release has to say:
"Shooting will take place on location around Los Angeles. This film will feature Adult film actresses Alexis Malone, Lola, Chanel Chavez, Sahara Knight and Azalea and Marcos Leon, Ross Severance, Tyler Knight, Randy Spears, Kris Knight and Jack Venice."
I am no expert on pornography (thank the Bush administration for creating an atmosphere in which people unqualified to do things make their living at it) but I believe that half of those "actresses" listed in the press releases are actually men.
Is this what Chick Media means by "by women"? I am thoroughly disheartened.
Once again, the only Chick I can trust is a chick named Jack.
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The Naked and the Read
As people begin to realize that pornography is just a flash in the pan phenomenon, waiting only for Gram Ponante's NutFeast to send the whole subgenre into oblivion, more and more folks are discovering the pleasures of reading. What better way to transition from a goo-based culture to a thrilling text-based one than to read about pornography?
The occasion was the launch of Naked Ambition at Hustler Hollywood. Carly Milne put together a group of the adult world's cliterati (I hope that isn't an offensive term. I'll strike it if it is. Several years ago someone pointed out why the term "cotton-pickin'" was offensive. I sure was mortified) to read essays on What Pornography Means to Them.
Like a well-intentioned jerk, I arrived late, missing my pal and erstwhile guest editor Violet Blue (I had gone to Las Vegas to approve the site of the AVN convention and had gotten into a literary feud of my own) but caught the end of Jodi Marie's reading.
Have you ever sat around and listened to a group of people read? It takes practice to enjoy it. Maybe Hustler Hollywood ought to invest some of the money it receives from causing parking violations and build a small theatre. As it was, the group of us who attended were slightly uncomfortable squatting in stairwells and leaning on the walls, but what was read was very entertaining.
Here is a picture of Carly that screams "I am no longer a member of the Porno-American community":
 Lurk Ford laments that women have done no good for the adult industry in last night's entry on his site. He did, however, take several pictures of them. I asked if he and Joanna Angel, who is looking more and more like Tom Wolfe every day, have learned to love each other now that she, too, is a literary lion and understands the delicious ache of words the way he does.
"I don't think so," he said (the suffixed "mate" was implied).
Eon McKai pondered whether he would be around next year. "I'm kind of the flavor of the month," he said, but expressed hope that he would have some staying power since there was a small body of Hater Art that has been generated about the StevePorn scene. "Now that I have haters it might be OK," he said.
We discussed the controversy over porn-related party promoter Brad Thomas' Intoxicate U event e-mails. The e-mails tend to become slightly shrill with demands that guys don't show up stag or with a group of male friends to parties, but instead with a group of girls, if at all.
"I told him, 'You should throw parties that girls want to come to,'" McKai said.
I was only admitted to the afterparty because of my brawl scars and my companion, enigmatic thespian and former AVN editor Rebecca Gray.
Here is a picture of Violet Blue that emphasizes her sartorial flair; her outfit matches her drink:
 The contributors to the book received $75 and two copies, a source said. Coupled with the news from another friend that her own daily 16-hour online literary drudgery yielded about minimum wage, I despaired for about five seconds that any career might be had in the printed word. Then I remembered that Digital Playground pays me $10,000 every time I mention them on my site and felt better.
Naked Ambition looks to be an essential part of anyone's meta-porn library, along with Lurk Ford's book, Legs McNeil's The Other Hollywood, and my own forthcoming tome, Gram Ponante's How I Invented the American Porn Industry, and the European One, As Well.
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