"Every girl must eat her own cream pie," is the pitch for JM Productions' Irritable Bowel Syndrome, due on October 10. That sounds like the mnemonic for a clef in Hell.

I can only think of a few things more disgusting to me, personally, than eating one's own cream pie (one involves very old aquarium water and the other features a publicist I know) but the public relations team at JM is top notch, and they provide several solid reasons why you should watch Gram Ponante Towers' lunchlady Ashley Blue and Sierra Sin do and have done to them horrifying things.

"Sure, we didn't cure any diseases," states JM owner Jeff Steward, "But each one of these girls gets brutally cornholed and is forced to eat the rancid cumshot out of their own ass. I'm sure that helps society somehow. It has to."

As a First Amendment patriot, I support free expression even if some of it makes my testicles recede halfway to James Thurber's hometown of Columbus, Ohio. I also support anything that helps Ashley Blue with her car troubles.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

It was a little like seventh grade; I walked into the Beauty Bar in Hollywood and everyone was staring at me. Slightly above my head was a monitor playing a softcore screener of Joanna's Angels, and people were just standing around looking directly at it.

I didn't want to turn around and become one of them, because I could predict the hot pressure of the pincers on the back of my neck as I gave up my brain to the herd. I thought I'd have a drink instead.

"One of us," they said.

"Cut it out you trendies," I said.

"Join us," they said. "It's ironic in here."

The bartender gave me a tiny little amount of Jagermeister in a contact lens.

I talked with Joanna Angel for a bit, sitting her down at one of the hairdresser chairs to have a heart to heart (I believe BurningAngel.com should do a Hart to Hart porn takeoff next. I will play Max. "And when they met - it was triple vaginal penetration with machines").

I am worried for her because people can't stop writing about her. The Mike and the Mechanics to my Genesis, Fleshbot, has become a 24-hour Joanna Angel channel. It's all going so fast. Joanna Angel is only 37" tall. Can she stay on this crazy joyride?

"I'm sleeping and eating well," she told me. She goes back to New York City on Monday, then she'll come back, and then she'll take a month-long break.

We were interrupted by a sales guy who got within inches of her face and then lifted up per pant leg to see her newly-inked tattoo.

Later, publicist Sean Carnage asked her to sign some posters. "Just 'Eat my pussy'," he suggested.

"Wait a minute," I protested. "Everybody's getting an 'Eat my pussy'?"

"No, just you," Sean said. I imagine there are three dozen Joanna's Angels posters out there with "Eat my pussy, Dan Miller" on them.

I asked her if she would write something tender and sweet, indicative of our love for each other. She wrote "Eat my pussy" in Hebrew. (I think that's what it says. If my rabbi tells me it says "Eat my ass," I'm going to be very hurt.)

Outside was party promoter Laura Jean, who is also the model coordinator for Suicide Girls, which is relocating to West Hollywood. I asked if SG was hard to recruit for in the wake of allegations of hellishness and mind control.

"I get about a thousand submissions a day," she said, very tall and without her accessory dog.

I left and went to a bar called Big Wangs to meet some "people."

"No, it's not a gay bar," the bouncer said for what looked to be the millionth time.

From what I saw while standing motionless with 50 other people, Joanna's Angels is a fun fun fun movie.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Like you, I believe that this recent wave of fires is God's Wrath on the adult industry.

I say we make the most of it and really create some edgy, thought-provoking product rather than this watered down Extreme Associates and Max Hardcore shit and that tapwater from Germany. Those guys should be on VH-1, for crying out loud.

A loyal GramPonante.com operative took this picture in your warehouse, so it's time you started cranking out some porn that makes people stand up and take notice before we get on The Seymore Butts Party Bus, destination: Hell.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

According to sources, Joanna's tattoo is a mural of sorts, starting with me fighting demons in her pubic area and radiating outward to depict my recent trip to Lake Arrowhead, where I fought more demons.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Remember all those great "open letters" that were the rage in the adult industry for a while? You don't? Oh well. Here's a link to some of them:

Heidi Pike-Johnson's open note to the women of the adult industry

Steve Hirsch's open letter to Brian Grazer

My open letter to Keiko, the Killer Whale

Those were great times, earlier this year. I really felt part of something huge. Open letters!

Anyway, despite Steve Hirsch's open letter to Inside Deep Throat producer Brian Grazer about that movie's depiction of the adult industry, Vivid has teamed with IDT directors Randy Barbato and Fenton Bailey to deliver a ten-part Playboy TV series called Vivid Valley starting on October 1.

Granted an unprecedented all-access pass into the hidden world of adult films, VIVID VALLEY takes a fly-on-the-wall peek into the public passions and private lives of Vivid's stars and their boss Steven Hirsch, the 42-year-old who created a hugely successful business using the tactics of the old Hollywood studio system - building a stable of bright young stars under exclusive contract, explains the press release.

I was not consulted on this series, but I hope the hidden world all-access pass shows the famous Contract Girl Catapult and Jettison device.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 29, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

I usually travel to PSK with an entourage including former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, a chimp, Elizabeth Taylor, Ronnie James Dio, and your mother, but none was available for Black Widow/Team Tyler night, so I made a few calls.

The first call was to publicist and spiritual advisor Wayne Hentai. Hentai, a virgin, was in Hawaii. "People keep dropping me in volcanoes," he sobbed.

I then called The Original Roy Karch.

"I'm watching something on television, Gram," he said.

"You Judas!" I replied.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You're a liar."

Then I called Kami Andrews. "I have three jobs so I will smell of sex, speed, and latex," she said, but I was reasonably sure she'd be there.

She never showed up. I have never met Kami Andrews, but I had something for her. When I started this site in January, Platinum X was kind enough to sponsor my first contest. They gave me several copies of Intensities in Ten Cities 2 and some t-shirts. There was a question one needed to answer to get the prize, but I forget what it was.

Kami answered correctly, and I never sent her stuff because I'd forgotten to have her state that she was over 18. So this was our big chance. I've had her Platinum X t-shirt and Intensities in Ten Cities 2 DVD mouldering at Gram Ponante Towers. I'd be transporting pornography in my vehicle.

(Later, while I was stopped at a drive-through, the Jack in the Box guy spied my UnFAITHful Secrets and Intensities in Ten Cities 2 DVDs in the front seat and said, "Having a party?")

I spoke at length with Gauge about our shared love of firearms. That her boyfriend sung a Danzig song makes me think their romance will last. The couple has 30 acres of Arkansas countryside to shoot up, and they do. I'm not saying they shoot up. I explained that, like all pornographers, I was a First Amendment patriot in addition to my being a Second Amendment patriot. I unfurled a flag behind me and wept big round tears.

I asked Tyler Faith about how she got her porn name. "I danced as Faith and I signed with Jill Kelly Productions as Tyler, then I put them together," she said.

"Do you ever have a birthday party for your porn name?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but I have one for my boobs. They were born on February 26 eleven years ago."

Faith explained that the right one is named Chip and the left is Dale. February 26 is now more important to me, and I understand that kids from the Hilltop Steak House to the Winthrop Yacht Club get that day off from school.

Sardo's owner Seymour patiently explained the need to keep fire lanes open. Black Widow Media owner Ric Williams fell in love with a woman who didn't deserve his attention. I won a coffee cup. Then I went home, transporting pornography in my vehicle.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, September 28, 2005 | 4 Comments Links to this post

Thank you, The Internet, for reassuring me that people can get off on anything, including but not limited to:

1) Photos of women peeling off their skin to reveal they are actually men, aliens or monsters. This site isn't the work of one lone sociopath, either. Like a dozen people contributed pictures.

2) Bukkake Cookies This site includes a recipe, as well as instructions on making realistic looking jizz from white icing. But maybe you could just jerk off on the cookies yourself.

3) Naked pictures of Monty Python's Eric Idle.

We are all wonderful and I don't want any of you to ever forget how special you are.

posted by Robyn at Wednesday, September 28, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Black Widow Media and TeamTyler are hosting Porn Star Karaoke tonight. I haven't been in a long time because I've been at my Kabbala class. But now that I've mastered it, I'm'a head over.

Tyler Faith, the Pride of Saugus, is promoting her new film, UnFAITHful Secrets, about a woman who leads a double life.

Can you think of other porn stars who might make a movie title out of their names?

Let's see. There's GUNNed Down with Tommy Gunn. There's Janine and a Half Weeks, um, there's Last Exit to Brooklyn, Moon Over My Kami, and, of course, Night of the Tod-Hunter.

The following conversation with Tyler Faith didn't happen:

GP: Fuckin' Tyla. How did ya get inta characta fa ya new fuckin' movie?
TF: Aw kid! It was like I kept fuckin' thinkin' of Hahtfid all the time.

GP: Why fuckin' Hahtfid? Kahnettikit's wicked queeah.
TF: They don't know whetha ta root fa the Red Sox oha the Yankees kid. So I fuckin' used that fuckin' duality to drive my characta kid.

GP: I can't fuckin' believe ya fuckin' just said "Yankees" kid.
TF: Yah. I think I'm goin' ta Hell now.

GP: That oha the fuckin' Squiah in Reveah.
TF: I love the fuckin' Squiah ya douche. It's right next ta the fuckin' Reveah Showcase kid. That's wheah I'm takin' Wankiss fuh a fuckin' popcahn dinna ya fuckin' douche.

GP:Sorry kid.
TF: Don't make me fuckin' tag ya. I'll get my fuckin' cousin Tino from Providence ta fuckin' shit down ya neck kid.

GP:Tino's a good kid, kid. I yoosta date his sistah Sharon kid.
TF: Yah Sharon's gut six kids and lives in fuckin' Woonsocket now.

GP: That shit's shoa betta than Fall Rivva kid.
TF: Ya Fuckin' A right kid.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 27, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

This mildly amusing collection of Photoshopped images pokes fun at the FBI's new anti-porn squad.

Maybe you would enjoy looking at it for a few minutes and smiling wryly?

posted by Robyn at Tuesday, September 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Allrighty.

Lethal Hardcore's Black Bros Bangin' White Ho's 3 has Welsh lassie Sophie Dee in it (though we see Phoenix Ray with the outline of Mandingo on the cover). If there is a God, Sophie Dee has dialogue in this film. Even if it is limited to, "Extoond yoor mimbrr wee up mee arse," it will be worth the price of admission.

As any longtime, first-time, or never-again reader of this site knows, there are many things I don't understand, however.

Why is the word Ho's apostrophized if Bros is not? And is there a need to say that the Bros are black? Does Lethal Hardcore feel they need to specify Black Bros so consumers won't think Sophie Dee is being banged by Franciscan monks?

That reminds me. Stay tuned for Gram Ponante's Cassock Goblins, featuring hot sex, vespers, and wine-making.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

As any fan of adult entertainment knows, the Roman Empire ended in A.D. 476. At its height the Empire included what would later be known to us as Germany and Spain. It is only in this context that Audrey Hollander can be considered a Latina.

As Jason Sechrest will be the first to tell you, there was a huge scandal when Englishman Jonathan Pryce was cast as the Eurasian Engineer in Miss Saigon. I can only imagine the uproar in the porn barrios of Sylmar and Reseda now that Audrey Hollander has been cast in Metro/FusXion's Sassy Latinas, along with Kat, Brody, Vanessa Lane, Deja Daire, and Vanilla Skye.

This joint was directed by Bridgette Kerkove, who can stick a chopstick in her ass for every Holy Roman Emperor. "I call my taint 'Byzantium,'" she did not say.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Do you want to party like me and Joanna Angel, the woman who fixed my helicopter in the first Gulf War? If so, come on down to the Beauty Bar on Cahuenga this Thursday for the premiere party for Joanna's Angels. This co-production of VCA and BurningAngel.com has VCA sales staff saying things like, "This is one of the best porn movies I've ever seen." And when a salesperson says it, it's got to be true (after all, Our Lord Jesus Christ was the greatest salesman in the world).

Angel, who is as tall as a delightfully-proportioned kitchen stepladder, will be there along with party promoter Laura Jean. Laura Jean actually owns a teacup chihuahua which she carries around in a handbag, so you know there is going to be some intense action. There are different levels of time to arrive, depending on whether you're Orthodox or Reformed, so you can get more info at the site of my pal Sean Carnage from Cleveland.

In other Joanna Angel news, people within five miles of Los Angeles will be able to tune into her interview tomorrow from 7-10 a.m. on Dicky Barrett's show on Indy 103.1. Indy 103, which, as a ClearChannel station, is about as far from indie as one could get, features a lot of music a certain demographic really wishes they actually liked, but it's got great disc jockeys. It has the absolute worst call-letter announcer, though, or maybe I think so because he makes people my age sound so goddamn stupid.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Joanna Angel. Blah blah blah. Joanna Angel.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, September 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Kickass Pictures threw one of those crazy art shindigs downtown this past weekend. Naturally I expected to be rubbing elbows with beatniks and David Bowie and/or Iman. Instead Mary Carey applied her painted parts to a canvas and sold the result for Katrina relief. Alas, Katrina was relieved to the tune of fifty bucks.

But since the drink girls were averse to giving change, I spent 20 bucks on three shots of Jack Daniels and a Coke. Then I had a Jackson Pollock-scale meltdown and beat up some hipsters.

"Who's that outrageous person?" sniffed a George Plimptonesque art reviewer.

"Must be from the porn world," someone answered. "Their art is provocative and we fear it."

There is a gallery linked above. And just so you know, 20 bucks is a tiny amount to spend on three shots of Jack in Los Angeles.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, September 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I liked Joe Gallant's second film better than his first one.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

... or, as I call it, "breakfast."

Defiance Films just released the first of its P.O.V. handjobs titles. Directed by Vincent Voss, it is called P.O.V. Handjobs Title.

"P.O.V. Handjobs is a cock-rubbing fuckfest," explains Defiance Films, calling from its cellphone as it neared Parkway Calabasas. "Bobbi Blair, Kelly Kline, Tyla Wynn, Harmony, Hailey Page, Tiffany Taylor, Kat, Austin Kincaide, Jordan Styles, and Jay Starr will make you want to sit back, relax and enjoy a good stroking as the hottest dick grabbers do their thing, all while staring directly into your eyes."

A Defiance functionary confirms that Jay Starr is a guy, but would not say if he is the stunt cock or not. Let's hope it's not a dialogue scene. Nothing ruins a good handjob more than talking about it.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 23, 2005 | 3 Comments Links to this post

When the Ponantes came over on the Mayflower, they thought they had quit a land of inequality where status was based not on merit but on inherited titles. To my horror, our past has followed us here.

Lady Finger Clit-Stimulator and her husband, Lord Brambles Clit-Stimulator were horrible, almost feudal landowners who worked my ancestors like dogs. Why Doc Johnson chooses to hurl those ghosts at me via their new toy for lonely women is beyond me.

To all the gals who read this site, it is important to know that if you buy this product, you will be placing a deep, massaging oppression on your vulva.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

That Tom Sizemore planned the "revelation" of a sex tape in that he filled out 2257-worthy documentation and called people like bite-sized (and now, tragically, married) Jersey Jaxin to join in (Jaxin didn't give the guy who lit up the screen in True Romance and Natural Born Killers a thumbs up, alas) a not-impromptu-at-all rendezvous at the Chateau Marmont is not sad in itself, is not a sad commentary on our society, and is not a cautionary tale told in film by a man who's now in court-ordered rehabilitation.

It's just something that happened, and pretty much no different from anything the world's reality television talent pool would do if they had the funds.

And Vivid is releasing this sex video on October 19th, just in time for Sizemore to get out of rehab and continue his interrupted rise to the top!

He was fuckin' badass in Heat, dude.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I attended the filming of Jennifer James' The Phantom of the Porn Stage yesterday, starring Stephen St. Croix, Harmony Rose, and Don Hollywood.

This was a shoot which required the presence of an L.A. Fire Marshal.

No one got fried but the chicken, but many people smoked, as you will see in the gallery linked above.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Mere milliseconds after the Porn Publicist School post (sorry to be so self-referential - it makes me uncomfortable - but I've been employed by COLT to shoot a series of solo scenes called Here's Gram in Your Eye and I'm feeling more and more narcissistic) I received my first ever press release from Vivid (to this address, anyway).

It involves The New Devil in Miss Jones, starring my old tennis partner Jenna Jameson, being commemorated, or, as Vivid says, "immortalized," in the pages of Genesis magazine. It's not Phil Collins' Genesis Magazine, so you know it's good.

The remake of this movie also stars Savanna Samson. I'm not sure if Dr. Black Dick is in the film or not. The point is that Genesis has created a special pull-out supplement devoted exclusively to this film, which Vivid tells us is an industry first. I always thought a pull-out supplement was a Catholic euphemism for birth control.

The special Genesis issue will arrive at quality newsstands September 27 and The New Devil in Miss Jones will hit shelves a day later.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Every time I mention Nicole Moore on my site, a guy named Steve Banan says I'm insulting her and invokes old-neighborhood menace. As I am bound by the ancient code of omerta, I cannot respond, except to say that everyone in America loves Nicole Moore, and now, apparently, she loves black dick.

From Steve Banan:

"Nicole Moore Shows How Much She Really Enjoys Black Dick

This horny blonde MILF Nicole Moore wants to make sure the boss is relaxed after work. Who can go wrong with a slutty secretary in the office? Threesome interracial sex with anal penetration. This couple goes in for sex therapy and she gets more then she bargained for. The good doctor gives her the black cock long and strong in all holes."

I assume "Black Dick" is the doctor.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Until just now, my noble car had been languishing in the garage while the mechanic waited for a part from Saturn.

Little did I know he meant THE PLANET SATURN.

Anyway, today will be the first day in several that I will actually go out to do my porn-related duties rather than drily comment on the industry from the heights of Gram Ponante Towers, as if I were a telecommuter for an industry trade publication.

I will go watch some people having sex (I have a mirror on my ceiling) and also watch a set being burned down.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, September 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I've been getting a lot of disgruntled mail, concerned enquiries, and "Amen, brother"-type e-mail and instant messages regarding the Porn Publicist School post of a few days ago.

I am not saying that publicist Scott Stein, with whom I haven't spoken in three years, pinged me for this reason, but it might be illustrative of the series of complex relationships that make the adult world tick.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, September 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Ah, anal school days.

One might find it uncanny, but once again from Europe comes a bum-oriented title starring Barbara Summer attached to a press release featuring a director (in this case, Hot Boxxx' Jean Yves LeCastel) who demands you look at Summer's ass.

"What is more beautiful than a woman's ass?" LeCastel rhetorically asks while Barbara Summer holds her soft, smooth cheeks open in a spread that is both enticing and intoxicating. "A woman looks so pretty when she is getting her ass stuffed completely and finds herself going over the edge in pleasure for the entire world to see." Gesturing to the glorious ass of Summer he adds, "that is just beautiful don’t you agree?"

(I especially like how the PR made him sound French, and I admire the restraint shown in not equipping him with a bag of groceries with a baguette sticking out while wearing a horizontally-striped black and white shirt and a beret.)

Either directors are becoming compelled to be especially chatty about Barbara Summer's ass or, I don't know, both Hot Boxxx and Digital Sin, which released Ass Crackin' 7, are handled by the same PR firm which has embarked on a campaign to create fantasy on-the-set narratives.

Since Lurk F-rd is away, I borrowed his fictional alter-ego, Chaim Amalek, to ask the following question:

CA: What does it matter what the press release says if the ass is bangin'?
GP: I can't believe you just said "bangin'"

Anal School 1 also stars Nikki Dark, Sue, Lucy Love, Sarah James, Lara Stevens. I don't know who "Sue" is, but her dedication to her career is going to make her a household name.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, September 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I know our country is fighting a multi-front war right now, and in addition to Katrina relief and my tax cut, America's resources are stretched (or, as we like to say in the business, gaped). Still, it might be prudent to nuke Czechoslovakia for its slander against our womens' asses.

Digital Sin director Dillon, whom the press release aptly calls an "XXX-patriot" (I thought the pun was a horrible misspelling of expatriate when I first read it, making me think I should start my own publicist school, but then I read further and realized that this person hates American asses) has assembled a team of Euro-hotties in his Ass-Crackin' 7.

"Look at that ass," he whispers during a scene, pointing to the cover girl. "Look at how round it is and how fucking perfect it is. She doesn’t mind taking it up the ass either and they're all born to gape. You don't find that too much back in the States."

Wow. This guy talks like he's making an obscene phone call. Don't get me wrong; I am humble before greatness, but if I were the person sitting next to Dillon during the scene and he started telling me how fucking perfect and round the ass was, well, I'd probably ask him to let me make up my own goddamn mind. Then I'd say, "America: love it or leave it! Punk!" and then I'd be all like, "oh right, you already left it."

"I'll never get tired of watching these women," Dillon says. "I love the women in this country, they just keep taking up the butt." Is taking up the butt like taking up the accordion? Or did he mean taking it up the butt? If so, have you ever taken it up the accordion?

Ass Crackin' 7 is in stores now (American stores) and stars Barbara Summer, Melissa Black, Jasmine Rouge, and Claudia Adams.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

We in the porn community bond over many issues: patriotism, freedom, and tolerance are but three. But we are also very close-knit and supportive of one another.

When AVN's Mike Ramone asked for my thoughts on his submission for the X Prize, a spacecraft that he had built on the railroad tracks behind Eton Ave., I got a team together from Metro and New Sensations and one of the warehouse guys from Wicked to check the chemical mix of his fuel and sign off on the telemetry. While he didn't win, now my former employer has a new revenue stream in space travel and I couldn't be happier.

When Larry Flynt asked me how to reinvigorate his employees, I said, "always keep them guessing."

When the frank and devastating Kami Andrews came to me with a problem concerning ethnic rivalries among the staff of her West Virginia llama farm, I told her to address the Dominicans as "amigo" and the Haitians as "ami". She writes: "Now everyone is working together to create the happiest llamas. Thanks, Gram!"

It was in this spirit that I started a school for porn publicists. With a MacArthur Foundation Genius grant, a group of dignitaries yeterday christened it the Ponante School of Gaping Media and Applied Dildonics.

Over a light dinner prepared by one of those naked chefs they had in New Jack City, I instructed my students in the finer points of porn publicity:

1. Check your spelling.
2. Check your grammar.
3. If you have one of those arrangements with AVN where you've agreed to send them the copy a day early, earn your money and at least change the salutation when you send it to me. Despite the fact that AVN.com's Dan Miller is an excellent human being, please don't send me mail beginning with "Hi Dan."
4. Don't put yourself in the story. While you might have a steadier income than some of your clients, they are still the people getting naked on film.
5. If you are going to invent quotes for your out-of-the-country clients to say, don't make them sound like Megan's Law listees.
6. Too much hyperbole in every press statement will negate the legitimate enthusiasm you and your company have for a big release.
7. Better to dump a client who consistently puts out bad product than let your association with (him) sully the good reputation of your other clients.

We then had a discussion period. Kwambe', a scholarship student from Chad, posed the first question:

"Discuss some of the reasons porn press releases are often bad."

Hands shot up. "Because publicists think that only people in the adult industry read them, and they think people in the adult industry won't notice errors that might be apparent to other people," one student said.

"Because company owners who hire publicists might not know a good release from a bad one, so they hire people who write like them," another offered.

"What about porn consumers?" Kwambe' asked. "What does a poorly-written press release imply about them?"

"That they are idiots," someone said, "who don't deserve any better."

We took a quick break, during which we all did rails off the landing strips of several years' worth of XRCO Orgasmic Analist winners.

"If the brunt of the literature coming from within the adult industry is so poorly put together," began Gretel, who posited the NASCAR Corollary, "wouldn't that make the industry as a whole look bad, and make it vulnerable to attack?"

"Yes, but even the President of the United States can't speak its primary language coherently, or any other," someone said. The class then went off on a tangent about how red states consumed the most porn but blue states produced most of it. "Haven't we created a climate of diminished expectations that porn is just reflecting as a perfect microcosm of American society?"

"But how does one write well about anal creampies or contract stars or spoonfeeding cum or sex with vampires?" asked Leon from Maine.

"The same way one writes well about the LPGA Tour or videogames or animal husbandry or any other industry-specific niche subject," I said.

Since we didn't have a school song yet, we ended class by singing Ronnie James Dio's "Rainbow in the Dark."

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, September 20, 2005 | 5 Comments Links to this post

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, September 19, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Once a week, depending on what circles I'm traveling in, I will usually have a "Somebody gets paid for that?" moment. The first one, several years ago, was housekeeper. You would pay someone else to clean your house and look at your stuff? Later on it was bartender, then (the extinct) fluffer. Only recently have I talked with various, anonymous fellows who travel from Porn Valley hamlet to Porn Valley hamlet engaging in bukkakes on film. Usually this proud race travels by bus, as per tradition.

Anyway, young Hailey Young is calling all bukkakistos to a gang bang she is shooting for JM Productions (she recently did the same for Platinum X, so she is developing a taste for it). And the price has gone up! If you meet the stringent moral, ethical, and biological requirements, you will be paid $100 to "blow", as we say, a "load" on the red-headed vixen.

An AIM test costs $110 these days, so if you want to leave your mark you might end up paying ten bucks, in addition to bus fare, unless you are already an industry professional with recent test in hand.

But ten bucks might be a small price to pay for such a soul-enriching experience; standing around in a warehouse room, trying to keep it hard while a bunch of other guys do the same around you. I guess it would be just like deleted chapters from boarding school stories like "A Separate Peace" or "Lord of the Flies". Carpe diem!

Manager Bad Ass Frank said that, while needing to maintain a different mindset for bukkakes than that required for traditional boy/girl scenes, Hailey Young thinks the bukkake scenario is fun and she enjoys the attention.

"I have to take her to lunch now," Frank added. "She needs a Double-Double from In N Out. Ironic, no?"

Actually, no, but very exciting, as carnivorous girls, while not making me want to get in a line to jerk off on them, at the very least float my boat.

If you would like to stimulate yourself to ejaculation and release your sperm payload on a woman who is being paid to be there, call 818-709-4452.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, September 19, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

My cracker ally Mike South alerted me to one of the Come On, Let's Face It inevitabilities of the expanded 2257 recordkeeping requirements: conscious assholery.

A man purporting to be the 2257 documentarian of an east coast porn company, the guy responsible for getting the real names and addresses of models to prove they are not underage (even when the shoot might be a MILF/gerontophile title), says he "has plans" for the shitload of names, addresses, and pictures of porn stars his company has on file.

As you well know, the adult business has a proud tradition of shooting itself in the foot (in much the same way my neighbor this year shot himself in the foot with a nail gun, except less funny) and those wishing ill on the porn industry would be doubly pleased if such a Paris Hilton-level breach of privacy from within resulted in a chilling of people wanting to get in the industry, fearing disclosure of something more valuable than, say, an anal cherry.

There is nothing more sacred than someone's porn name. And if that is compromised, I can guarantee you that we will see dolphins riding on bicycles.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, September 19, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

If Catherine's Audrey Hollander had played a sassy island barmaid in Pirates rather than having showed up for work for Michael Ninn in Budapest, maybe Catherine wouldn't have been made and Pirates would have been perfect.

(Oh, and if Joanna Angel had maybe played Teagan's part, that would have beeen good, too.)

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 16, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Torrid Entertainment, a tiny little division of Defiance Films, has released Double D Divas, starring Rita Faltoyano and Brittney Skye.

"These ravenous cum covered, cock eating divas take on huge male members in the most furious footage ever captured on film," reads the press release (I hear Defiance is still looking for a full-time publicist). Have you ever seen footage that wasn't captured on film? And are we to believe that these women were already covered in cum before taking on huge male members? I try not to be choosy, but the last woman who approached me pre-soaked with cum caused me to run away.

If nothing else, every male child in America learns cup sizes the way he learns the subtle differences between Coke and Pepsi, how to grow a serviceable mallrat moustache, and why Dad drinks. Gentlemen, I tell you that neither Rita Faltoyano nor Brittney Skye is a double D.

They are, as Irving Cohen says, "a bouncy C."

Furthermore, I have had both women around to my mountaintop retreat and conference center, where each served on numerous panels and even helped scour the coffee urns afterward. So I can also say they are not divas. I'm not saying that titty-fucking them wouldn't be wicked pleasant, however.

"Double D divas" might be true of co-stars Sara Stone, Eva Angelina, and newcomer Nadia Hilton. Knowledgeable readers might let me know.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, September 16, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post