The following conversation never happened:

(phone rings)

GP: Hello?
AG: Gram. It's Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

GP: The initials of your job are the same as the initials of your name.
AG: Huh. Well I'll be an Ant's Grandmother. So they are!

GP: What can I do for you?
AG: Your online presence is sending tremors through the Force.

GP: Did you get the tapes I sent you?
AG: Yes. Plumpers. It's like Manifest Destiny, except the west coast is a waistband. Listen: we're extending the 2257 deadline until October 1, or rather have agreed to an extension of the original stipulation regarding a motion for a temporary restraining order.

GP: "We"?
AG: Yes. Us and the Free Speech Coaltion.

GP: Bunch of goddamn hippies.
AG: Ha ha.

GP: Ha ha ha.
AG: Ha ha ha. (How I despise them.) Oh, and by the way: all those people looting down in New Orleans? Terrorists.

GP: You kids are great. I'm glad we're all being American about this.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 31, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The idea of a bunch of porn stars partying at my house doesn't appeal to me 1.) because they would displace all the porn stars already here and 2.) because, as Ashley Blue said to me the other night in re her upcoming bowling date: "I didn't get to say, 'No smellies.'"

But Mallcom is running a promotion for Shane's World's Nerdz in which the winner will get the aforementioned porn star party but the Second Place winner will get an iPod and a PlayStation Portable. As Bridgette Kerkove says, "Go for Number Two."

Many thanks to Chappaquiddick-bound Steve Javors for helping me get my Mallcom store up and running. Let's hope my affiliate program experiments don't end up Kopechne'd.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 31, 2005 | 3 Comments Links to this post

Does consumer demand drive the adult market or do companies create demand? How should I know? I have not left my state-owned rehab facility since 1993. But it appears to me that, if every "pimp" in America is making a porn video, then there are precious few who are still 100 percent dedicated to the ancient art of pimping.

And do pimps watch other pimps' videos? If so, can they declare it as continuing education credits?

I am further dismayed by the preponderance of war-ravaged-looking women who are supposed to be "teens" as long as they have lollipops and pig tails. Is the public clamoring for this, or do companies release this stuff and force the public to think that there are still serious questions left unanswered by the stacks of lollipop-slurping, finger-in-the-mouth tartlet-adorned DVDs they already own?

Anyway, back to the pimps. Parkin' Lot Pimpin' explores the phenomenon of coaxing women into your limo as you pull up to the nightclub they are currently waiting in the parking lot of. Then you have sex with them, or they with you.

This DVD also features Pimp Tips.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 31, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

When I received a DVD copy of the Pirates trailer several weeks ago, along with a cash donation to my favorite charity (Spay the Whales), I was hesitant about giving it any coverage. "Surely, word of mouth will give this project the exposure it needs," I thought, reflecting on a 30-year career in adult entertainment that began with my participation in the infamous "Petting Zoo" of the 1975 World's Fair in Vienna.

"Surely publicity will only cheapen it."

Digital Playground publicist Anal Load Lee arrived at my home, sobbing, three nights ago. "Test audiences are confusing the trailer with (Michael Ninn's) Catherine and (Nic Andrews') Dark Angels 2," she cried, burying her check in my wallet. "The market is saturated with high budget couples' films."

"Take it easy, baby," I said absently. "Daddy will think of something."

"It has over 300 special effects shots," she offered.

"And yet, though male characters have more lines in the trailer," I noted, "none of them gets any billing. You say you are the filmmaker's company, but you would get nowhere with my drum circle."

"Jesse Jane was almost devoured by a shark during filming," she said.

"You would have partially recouped your investment," I said, "as there are parts the shark couldn't have digested."

"We have skeletons!" she wept.

There it was. Pirates has skeletons in it. I looked at the trailer again. The entire stable of Bad Ass Models and Max Hardcore Productions were cavorting in nothing but their bones. I took Anal Load Lee's face in my hands.

"Today's audiences don't like to see actual skeletons," I said. "Go back to your editing suites and create digital skeletons. I am confident Cousin Nick P. is good for something other than portraying ethnic stereotypes. You will take a hit on the budget, but I'm sure Adam & Eve is good for the difference."

"Thank you, Gram," she said. She went through my house and gently woke up Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, Sophia Santi, Rocki Roads, Tera Patrick, Janine, Devon, Jana Cova and, for some reason, Malou, who had all fallen asleep on my plush couches after their pillow fight.

Pirates will be released in September.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 30, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The fine companies WantedList and Flirt4Free now have unobtrusive and aesthetically-pleasing presences on the sidebar.

WantedList, which is often called the "NetFlix of Porn", stocks most of the films mentioned in the Reviews section (I might add another DVD retailer if it can fill the gap).

Flirt4Free features pornstar chats as well as live chats with willing ladies from former second-world countries. Rarr! I have removed F4F's taxing javascript applet due to reader anguish and rage. I am nothing if not sympathetic to reader demands.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 30, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

I promised posts about World of Warcraft, and I won't let you down. Click the link! It's sexy or something so you pussy-hounds will enjoy it.

I have never seen behavior like this on my server in World of Warcraft, but it probably happens. If I've learned nothing else from working in porn, it's that people will beat off to anything, including fairies or whatever in some damn computer game.

I find the uproar over the "nude content" in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas to be a non-story. After all, the game is clearly not designed for children. But I wrote an article a while ago for AVN Online magazine about a videogame with pretty heavy sexual content--EAGames' The Sims Online--that does seemed aimed at children, or at least teens. I'd link to the feature, but apparently they didn't keep it in their archives. Thanks, guys.

The Sims Online was full to the gills with quasi-porn content, lousy with cyber-brothels, Mafioso, strip-clubs, porn movie studios (I swear) and other houses of ill-fame.

I didn't have a problem with the sexuality in itself--it's a little geeky, but, hey, whatever floats your boat--but then I started talking to the people behind the sexy avatars of The Sims Online, and found that almost everyone (from my informal observations) was under 18... and the game-maker EA seemed to be encouraging sexuality in their fruity fake world.

Initially, they'd spent truckloads of money developing the title, confident that an online version of their mega-hit The Sims would own the market. "We'll get the casual gamers to fork over 15 a month!" I'm sure some dope said, but they'd badly miscalculated their own industry.

They imagined that the masses of non-hardcore gamers would flock to a fake world if it was designed to not be challenging in terms of skill, brains, creativity or anything else. The Sims Online was so ridiculously easy you could hardly call it a game at all. It was more like an animated AOL chatroom.

Sound fun?

The "game" aspect of TSO could easily be mastered in an hour or two, leaving players alone to dress their dolls, work fake jobs (including data entry on a virtual computer), build houses, and create another life. But EA again miscalculated by allowing players to design the content of the game. People are generally too stupid and lazy to do anything interesting with their real lives, so why anyone thought average people could create compelling content in a virtual world is beyond me. That's what professionals are for.

Lacking the ability to create anything genuinely interesting with EA's graphics, players turned almost immediately to the prurient, creating garish, horrible buildings devoted to cheap thrills, giving themselves stupid, "sexy" nicknames, and creating a decadent, brightly colored cyber-hellscape... like how bad filmmakers gravitate toward porno.

Most of the popular player-designed "lots" were sexual in nature on my server; strip clubs, dungeons and whorehouses where willing "prostitutes," who could be 15-year-old girls, or middle age shut-in dudes, would type dirty to you in exchange for a few easily obtainable cyber-dollars. The other popular kind of building was called something like, "New Players! Double Your Money!" and consisted of confidence scamming.

Basically, the game was so boring, cyber-sex and thievery was the most interesting thing to do in it.

The people at EA must have been shitting bricks when the intial sales numbers came in. No one played it. They had a multi-multi-multi million dollar turkey on their hands. But, late in the game, they seemed to have figured out what most teenagers did with their virtual world.

They launched a last-gasp advertising campaign: Remember the commercials from a few years ago? A sexy computer-lady plays strip poker with a bunch of much younger boys. Suggestive and reeking of desperation, "Play our game...it'll be SEXY!" the ads screamed.

EA created new, sexier outfits for the avatars (lingerie, leather). They dropped specially designed beds where characters could get it on, pixelated to be sure, but the moans and sounds were clearly sexual.

Playing it felt peep-show-dirty. It was just a filthy place.

Anyway, I thought it was interesting that probably the largest game manufacturer on earth seemed to be encouraging teenagers to engage in non-traditional sexuality in a "T-rated" title so they wouldn't take a bath on a videogame...and people say porn is made up of degenerates.

I talked to several sim-hookers, sim-madams, and sim-pimps, after they assured me they were over 18; EA/Maxis may not mind sexualizing kids, but I do. They were kind of sad and hopeless.

Then I called Maxis; told them what I was working on, outlined the point of my article, in order to give them a chance to counter my opinion that they were deliberately sexualizing a game marketed toward young teenagers. I called them many times and they never called me back.

Apparently, Maxis was a little too high-and-mighty to return a call from a journalist within the porn industry, especially one who was on to them.

If I were more ambitious, I would have pitched the idea to a more mainstream source, but what are you gonna do? I'm not.

I wrote the article, relying a lot on an interview with "JC Soprano" a real-life, unemployed computer nerd who ran The Sim Mafia in game. He was a nice kid, actually, even if he specialized in pimping, vandalism and strong-arm intimidation in the virtual world. He confirmed my hunch for me: People were acting "bad" in the game because it was so damn boring to play it as intended.

(Look! You too can toil in a virtual factory for fake money! Fun, right?)

Thankfully, The Sims Online has fallen almost completely off the radar in gameland. You can't buy it in stores,(although you can still download it here, just please, don't.) There is no new content pending, and the always-small player base is shrinking, with people heading for much more interesting social life simulators like Second Life and World of Warcraft. In short, The Sims Online is a dying world.

See what happens when you don't return Steve Ochs' phone calls?

posted by Robyn at Monday, August 29, 2005 | 4 Comments Links to this post

I talked to Hester Nash of Retroraunch.com the other day, and she is a nice lady. Her site features pictures of naughty ladies dating back to the 1860s. Long dead hussies for my masturbatory entertainment--sweet!

Also, Hester is affiliated with Martha's Girls, a site of modern photographs posed and photoshopped to look like ancient porn.

According to Hester, many people enjoy Martha's Girls because they like knowing that the women they're slavering over are still alive. Not me. I'm turned on by sepia-tones of once-nubile women who are now either rotten corpses or wizened crones. I like all my masturbatory experiences with a reminder of my (and your) inevitable, looming death. I'm goth like that.

posted by Robyn at Monday, August 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The Seymore Butts bus was kind of a non-event, with a lot of people and no liquor. Since Playboy and Showtime were shooting it, the stripper music was all that noodly neo-porn synthesizer stuff that doesn't require rights being purchased for it. Lapdances were equally intentional and not, as every turn of the bus made someone fall across me. I'm not complaining.

Though a good time was had by all (see pictures linked above), the bus ride was free. And who doesn't love a free bus ride? Aside from convicted felons? So the paying customer might have some hard choices.

I spoke with Ashley Blue after we disembarked.

AB: Would you like to take a picture of me?
GP: Yes

AB: Would you get some water out of my car?
GP: Is that a condition of my taking a picture of you?

AB: No.

Somebody else got it for her, I think.

AB: Would you back my car up for me?
GP: This is a nice car.

Someone else backed her car up, and almost hit the bus.

AB: Would you like me to pose under the bus, looking all dead?
AB: I think I have found my soul mate for all time.

In the end, Blue did not pose underneath the bus looking all dead, but she did concede to my request to flip the bird to the camera, which is my favorite porn trick, and she also went one farther than the Finger in the Mouth move by sticking her whole fist in there. The only thing she didn't do was lick her knee, but she was being very gracious already and I hadn't even brought her any water.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Other than attending several years of Catholic school, I'd never been to a BDSM event before. What might I learn? I wondered. What can these people learn from me?

The small gala was a benefit for The Threshold Society, which now has a brick and mortar location, Hollywoodland Studios in North Hollywood (next to Burbank Airport), to keep their whips and chains.

"When we started in 1982 (as a chapter of the SoCal Society of Janus)," Threshold member Carlos P. said, "the only rules were 'Don't harass the doorman and Don't play with the owner's VCR.'"

Featured in the benefit was some of Jay Moyes' fetish art. I asked why many of the figures had antennae.

"I wanted to create a fembot out of motorcycle parts," Moyes said. "With cell phones already we're getting to the point of people having antennae sticking out of their heads."

The event was catered with fine Costco meats and cheeses, as well as a punch called Masochism Mango Madness. I thought about the significance of a BDSM fete serving punch. There was no corresponding treat called accept.

I spoke with director Jennifer James, who is going to be burning down a sound stage within the next few weeks as she begins shooting The Phantom of the Porn Stage. She told me that she is the only independent porn feature producer left, with everyone else having gone gonzo. She still owns a piece of all of her movies.

"All the big name directors don't have a pot to piss in," she said.

In the corner, an elderly woman with a mohawk called for snacks and a wispy young man got them. I talked with a woman for a while about 2257 regulations before she turned into a cone of snakes and caught fire. I overheard the following conversation:

Man 1: We were going to have a chariot race out back...tie a submissive to a chair with wheels...
Man 2: Do we have any pony girls?
Man 1: Maybe just another subbie that we could dress up
Man 2: The airport wouldn't like it.

I developed a new respect for S.E. Hinton.

There were very stringent rules about picture-taking, but I think it was more about having rules than what the rules were about. Everyone was very kind, but it was probably because, like Shaq, I am a dominant person when I loose my wrath.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 29, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post

Since Tod-Hunter runs the Nubians section of Adam Film World, I have taken great joy in calling him "T-Diddy". Now that Sean "Puff Daddy" to "Puffy" to "Sean John" to "I'm a dork" to "P-Diddy" Combs has further shortened his name to "Diddy", there really is no point in calling Mr. Hunter "T-Diddy" anymore. All is lost. It is a time that has passed.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I try to discover the difference between fucked and fukt (there is none), I look for secrets of Natalie Knoxxx' departure from the industry (there were at least 12), and I discover the recipe for panocha in this week's reviews.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, August 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Let's say you don't want to spend $15 to see Kurt Lockwood's Not the Ramones tape a show. Would you spend $15 to attend Missy Monroe's birthday party? How about spend $15 for an AIM benefit? What I want you to know is that you have a choice in how you spend your 15 bucks tonight, including sending it to me.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, August 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Remember the Gap Band's song "Party Train"? Nowhere in the song did it explain why the cost was only a nickel or a dime. Was it because the singer didn't know? Or was there a different type of service offered if one paid more? Did one have to swallow sperm?

After months of planning and secret negotiations with federal, state, and local authorities, Seymore Butts' party bus takes off on its maiden voyage tonight from a location disturbingly close to the production company responsible for the execrable ABC show Love Cruise. The two have nothing in common, other than both are vehicles.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, August 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I understand that David Mamet wrote an early draft of VCA Excessive's Fuck My Face, directed by Mr. Pete and featuring "Missy Monrow" and, OMG, Dillan Lauren going for the burrito.

"Fuck my face."
"No, you fuck my face."
"My face - "
"I know about your face. What I'm saying - "
"What I'm saying is: Your face."
"My face? You fuck. Fuck my face. You - "
"You fuck my face."
"It's my face getting fucked here."
"I see that cock in your face. I see that - "
"There's a cock in my face, you fuck. A cock. A cock in. A cock in my - "
"Shut your fucking face. Shut your face of the fucking going on inside it. Your face."
"I love you."
"Fuck my face."

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, August 25, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

"Ava Vincent was NOT as innocent as she makes it sound," said a source on the scene of yesterday's horrifying burrito fight between Vincent and Dillan Lauren, mostly captured by Showtime's Family Business cameras. "I was standing right in the middle of them. (The burrito) flew right by me," the source said.

A feud that had been brewing since some clothes went missing (there is exhaustive coverage of the events leading up to the attack on AdultFYI) erupted on the set of Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party yesterday, when Vincent and Lauren exchanged accusations and harsh words and, eventually, Vincent went nuclear option and deployed her burrito.

Vincent's claim that no one tried to break up the fight was false, according to the source, and then Vincent threw water at Lauren, who was already covered in guacamole.

"Seymore (Butts) wants to paint the adult industry in a good light," the source said. The tension on the set was so high that most of the Pussy Party talent elected to go home and scrap the scene. It was later decided to book six additional girls, with Sammy Rhodes the lone holdout from the burrito era.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 24, 2005 | 4 Comments Links to this post

You know how every company and its mother is having a contest now? I think Acid Rain should sponsor a contest that will award the winner one of those 400-disc DVD changers along with all 10 of its 20-hour, four-disc compilation DVDs.

The compilations have been culled from Acid Rain's archives, which rival those of the doomed library of Alexandria. Over the next few months, the porn-starved consumer will have his choice of Babes in Teenland, Young Girls Do, It’s a Black Thang, Anal Mania, Oh its So Big, Before They Were Stars, Melon Mania, Muff to Muff, Me So Horny, and Sexstravaganza (which, I'm assuming, is a compilation containing scenes in which people have sex with one another).

This reminds me of the sequence in Leaving Las Vegas when Nicolas Cage stocks up on the alcohol that will eventually kill him. If you wanted to watch nothing but porn for over a week, continuously, and then document your decline, the compilation route would be the perfect way to do it.

The only thing I've ever done for 200 hours straight is watch the Jennifer Connelly ass-to-ass scene in Requiem for a Dream; the writing was so goddamn good.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 24, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

There is some kind of Legionnaires' convention in Las Vegas so Porn Star Karaoke was relatively dormant for my triumphant return after a month away and with a beard.

I sat at a table with Jay Moyes and Lurk Ford and had the following conversation:

GP and Lurk at the same time: What's new?
GP and Lurk at the same time: What did you want to be when you were a child?
GP and Lurk at the same time: Are you left frustrated by Israel's pullout of Gaza?
GP and Lurk at the same time: What's the word on the street?
GP and Lurk at the same time: Why don't we talk anymore?

Then:

LF: Describe your relationship with XBiz.
GP: They worship me.
LF: Describe your relationship with Fleshbot.
GP: They worship me.
LF: Describe your relationship with the Securities and Exchange Commission.
GP: They worship me.
LF: Will you be filling Tim Connelly's post?
GP: Yes, and I am also the new publicist for Wicked.

Then:

GP: Tell me about your camera.
LF: It cost $3,000, and came in several stages.
GP and Lurk at the same time: Is there anything your strict moral code would prevent you from printing?
LF: I have mellowed over the years.
GP: Due to what? Judaism? Libel cases? Age? Fame?
LF: I can't really say.
GP: I guess I will have to read about it on your blog.

And more of the same. As always, the drinks were fantastic. I left, hit several cars on the way out, and returned to my secret sarcophagus/lair beneath the Forest Lawn Cemetery.

I included this picture of Joanna Angel because Lurk loves her.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, August 24, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I was still cloudy on the concept of the Christian sex-worker ministry known as JC's Girls, so I decided to make a pilgrimage into the desert.

The desert, of course, was Sylmar, California. One would think that with a name like Sylmar there would be both a forest and a sea to view, but one would be mistaken. The forest seemed to be a roadside lot filled with potted plants and the sea was most likely the L.A. aqueduct water filtration plant by the highway. I think at one point in the region's history there might very well have been a Syl but, barring major tectonic adjustments, there was never any Mar.

What better place, then, to hang around with the unlikely pairing of photographer/pornographer James DiGiorgio and the three proper missionary ladies from Riverside who want to make Jesus the V.I.P. in your champagne room?



Heather Veitch is a former stripper and softcore performer who was born again a few years ago. This year she recruited church buddies Lori and Tanya (last names withheld) to join her in a ministry to sex workers. On their initial outing they went to a Riverside strip club, bought lap dances at the exact same time from several different peelers, and each gave a two-minute spiel once they got to the private booths.

Tanya remembers that her entreaty was politely dismissed, whereas Lori's stripper broke down in tears. "Jesus needed me to be more successful," Lori said. "He needed me to face a challenge," Tanya said.



So the three women have become the public face of this ministry and, due to DiGiorgio's involvement with porn crusaders XXXChurch (which apparently lost him work after some harsh critiques in AVN), Heather, Lori, and Tanya came to Sylmar for a photo session at DiGiorgio's studio and an interview with A Current Affair.

That the three women have porn-worthy looks is, Veitch said, useful to the ministry. "We need to talk to people in the industry, so they need to be comfortable with us," she said.

Lori said that, aside from a fetishist wanting her to step on him at Erotica LA, she has felt very comfortable with the porn crowds she has met so far. Neither Tanya nor Lori were involved in the industry otherwise.

"Heather was tinting my hair at her salon and she started talking about God," Lori recalled. "I thought, 'this woman really likes God.'"

I asked if conventionally-unattractive women could have a place in JC's Girls. "You know, women who might look like female versions of me," I said.

"There's always room for people to be involved," Lori said, "whether in planning or behind-the-scenes or wherever God sees fit to place them."

JC's Girls operates out of a ministry called Matthew's House, which is based at a Riverside church called Sandals. Sandals is affiliated, and receives some financial support from, the Southern Baptist Convention, Tanya said, but Sandals isn't strictly regimented like SBC services.

"Sandals has rocking services," Tanya said. "At 35, I'm one of the older people there."

JC's Girls took pains to explain that they did not judge people in the sex industry, but wanted to let sex workers know they had religious options. "Jesus sat in Matthew's House with the prostitutes and sinners," Lori said. "He didn't judge from on high."

Tanya confirmed that Sandals is a so-called Bible-believing church, which maintains that the Bible is "the inspired word of God."



According to the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus was attacked by religious leaders for keeping low company at Matthew's dinner table. He responded, "They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick." (Matthew 9,12)

So while JC's Girls say they do not come from a judgmental place, there is an indication in Matthew that the ministry is for "sick" people if the verse is to be believed.

I asked Heather if I could continue shooting porn if I attended her church. "We hope you come to our church and then let God tell you what to do," she said.

DiGiorgio was asked by the Current Affair reporter how the industry might respond to JC's Girls and their presence at next January's Adult Entertainment Expo. He said that one of the mistakes people make about the industry is that the industry has a uniform response to anything. "Some people might be tolerant, some people might not be," he said.



I agree with this. I think the industry will treat JC's Girls like another niche, and certainly not a destructive one. I think if the ministry's tactics become heavy-handed or if church visits result in an invasive laying-on of hands (without payment) there will be no future for them.

That said, I also see the need for not giving answers like, "No, ugly women can't be in JC's Girls" and "Yes, we do judge you."

But we live with contradictions and bits of polite misinformation every day. Like there being no woods or ocean in Sylmar. Like A Current Affair calling itself a news program. Like JC's Girls really believing that people in the industry aren't sick.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 23, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

If you've ever wanted to turn on your computer (and when I say "turn on" I mean in a sexual sense!!1LOLZ!), go here. It's all of Deep Throat rendered in ascii.

I don't know why anyone would want to do that either.

Also on the ancient-computer-sex front, electronic historian Jason Scott has compiled this collection of sex guides and dirty stories written and distributed in the pre-Internet days of 1980s BBS systems. The yearning for sexual intimacy among these never-gonna-get-laid Reagan-era geeks is at once hilarious and oddly touching; each "surefire sex guide" and erotic story is like a picture-window into the hidden desires and frustrated dreams of old-school nerds, and really, aren't we all old-school nerds at heart?

Here's the opening from one of my favorites, "The Art of Sex" by Cloaked Warrior:

"Well here we go. To have sex with a girl (I assume the readers of this file are men, boys, and lesbians) the EASIEST way is to go to a local cemetary."

...and some timeless advice from The Complete Guide to Laying a Girl V1.1:

"Sneak you hand under her skirt and pat her back.
If she wears a bra put you hand under the stripe (the one
above her back - but don't open it - let your hand travel under
the bra surface and forward to her tits. Don't touch hard there -
it hurts. If she resists get you hand out of there quickly.
We will continue later with this. Give her 10 minutes of rest
from the last event. Talk about something else.

(Remember - Don't ask her why she resists. Just ignore.)"

posted by Robyn at Tuesday, August 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

"Gorgeous faces become glazed doughnuts" is the motto of this latest installment of Baker's Dozen from Platinum X Pictures. It is hard to imagine the face of Alektra, caught here unawares as she takes her mid-morning break before pulling her pants the rest of the way up, becoming like unto a glazed doughnut, but that, as T-Diddy Hunter will tell you, is the magic of film.

What happens in these pictures is sort of a hybrid niche form that is yet another testament to the ingenuity and innovative American spirit of our industry, though Platinum X's Brandon Iron is Canadian: the starlet will fuck one person alone before taking on 12 men at a time. "This will either disgust or excite you," Iron says.

The DVD includes a preview for Baker's Dozen #6 as well as one of the few appearances of Natalie Knoxx, who alighted on the industry and then, as quickly, took off.

I'm sure there is yet another German word--I bet the Goo Girls know some--that describes the film that made you leave the adult industry. I'm not saying Baker's Dozen #5 is it, but every now and then a scene captures the unmistakable expression of "what am I doing here?" or "I am going to spend my life in this industry and then get my degree in Clinical Sexology" on the faces of the talent.

Perhaps we might see that expression on Knoxx's face prior to, you know, all the semen being deposited on it.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, August 23, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The arc of a porn career can't be plotted the same way for everyone. Some actresses might only appear in scenes with toys or other women before eventually and with much fanfare doing boys, then doing anal, then double anal, then getting a steady boyfriend and only doing girls again.

Others pay no attention to a progression and get stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey from the moment they set foot off the Greyhound into my pimped-out handicapped-accessible minivan.

Regan Anthony, who is so small she could stand on a quarter sitting at the bottom of my pocket (this niche is called Numismatics and involves putting girls on coins or coins in girls and I am making million$ from my affiliate programs dedicated to it), is taking the first route. Having been a dancer who then moved to G/G scenes, she has just shot two B/G scenes, the most recent with Julian, whose package Kiki D'aire once described as "like a soup can."

As Anthony, the reigning Miss Petite Nude World (I didn't know of this competition either) is herself the size of a soup can, one can only imagine what the scene with Julian looked like.

Picture lifted from Alpha Pro.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 22, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

posted by Robyn at Monday, August 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Pornocrats love to crow about the “mainstreaming” of porn—“Ron Jeremy was on a reality show! Jenna Jameson is practically a household name!”--and in a sense they’re right. Porn is mainstream in that it’s all over the damn place, but the porn-industry’s longing for legitimacy, for a widespread acceptance of x-rated videos as cultural products or even works-of-art, will never happen. Ever.

Americans have rightly relegated porn to the back rooms of video stores and the fringes of cultural awareness. Everyone knows it’s out there, and most people are cool with it existing to varying degrees, but it will never be taken seriously because the real goal of a porn movie--to help lonely fellas masturbate—is embarrassing to most people and diametrically opposed to any other artistic intention.

I worked reviewing X-rated videos for AVN, for more than a year, and I never saw a porn flick that was “good” for anything other than inspiring masturbation.* Production wise, porn, at its very best, looks about as good as a Canadian soap opera. The writing is horrible. The acting is worse. Porn that tries to be “deep” and/or meaningful is unintentionally hilarious and prompts “It’s like they’re trying to be a real movie!” from viewers all over the world.

Even the big ticket, large-budget features directed by the “greats” of porn (and you know who I’m talking about) have only one saving filmic grace: Lots of naked broads having sex.**

But look at this: Porn’s shining moment in the cultural spotlight.

Back in the early ‘70s, when porn-movies were new and sort of popular, Pulitzer-Prize-winning critic Roger Ebert took the newborn adult industry seriously enough to write reviews of dirty flicks. More amazingly, The Chicago Sun-Times printed them. Here’s a collection of those reviews, a snapshot of a brief moment when porn was taken seriously.

*An important and noble pursuit.

**If you’re not a self-deluded producer of porn product, I’m sure you’re saying, “No shit, Sherlock” to yourself, but believe it or not, there are a lot of people in “the industry” who believe they are doing something other than helping people jerk off. I’ve talked to them.

posted by Robyn at Monday, August 22, 2005 | 1 Comments Links to this post

Ass Fukt wins the "Lick My Love Pump"/Aristocrats award for Most Unfortunate Pairing of Art to Title.

Liliane Tiger doesn't so much look like she was just about to be ass fukt on Matt Westphalen's boxcover for VCA as she looks like she's posing for the new Yield signs in the town I want to live in.

The world is crazy. I'll be reviewing this film on Friday.

Whatever the movie might, er, entail, this is a great cover.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

To photographer Rachel Worth, agent Harry Weiss, metalist Tim Case and coy mistress Missy Monroe. I tried to find a double anal cake, an Iron Maiden cake, and a New Jersey longshoreman's cake to suit the whole party, but I settled on Fudgie the Whale (Cookie Puss was being shaved).

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, August 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

If you are doing your term paper or science project on Gram Ponante: Porn Valley Observed, you and your granting organization will be pleased to know that the archives are now fixed, thanks to my dear friend, Brother William of Baskerville.

posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, August 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

While webmaster/Bon Vivant Gram Ponante is guest-blogging on Fleshbot he asked me to take up some of the slack for him here. I’m honored.

As Gram is knob-gobbling for the techno-crati I’ll hang out in this cesspool with you fucking perverts.

My turn-ons: Vore, H.P. Lovecraft, and Money.

Turn offs: Mean People.

PS--I won’t be referencing The Lord of the Rings or Jaws; I’m all about World of Warcraft and Judy Blume.

posted by Robyn at Saturday, August 20, 2005 | 2 Comments Links to this post