Doc Johnson, official marital aid of the crews docked in the International Space Station, has unveiled its own brand of Vivid blowup dolls. These employ technology often found in high-tech bakeries to superimpose a Vivid Girl's face onto the standard chassis of a blowup doll.

"...allowing a person to look directly into the eyes of their favorite Vivid Girl while using the novelty item," says the press release.

If that is true, then the heads must turn all the way around, right?

posted by Gram the Man at Sunday, July 31, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I have an idea.

Why can't hard-woking, honest people in the adult industry get dates? I don't know - maybe it's because they have a single key on their computer that inserts the word "cockgoblin" because they use it so much. Maybe it's because potential suitors quail at the thought of going to Denny's with someone who can hold a canister of Lincoln Logs in her anus.

Do porn personalities have trouble finding dates and staying in relationships based on what they do for a living?
Have you ever broken up because a partner, who might’ve thought it was cool to have a porn connection before, suddenly got jealous of the attention you receive?
Do you think dating within the industry could work if certain criteria were met?
Would you or someone you know be interested?

Click on the link above.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

As anyone who has ever met me knows, I am a highly-stylized, erotic person. That is why next Thursday's event at Hollywood's Erotic Museum sounds like it will be fun.

The Museum will be featuring two debuts and one booksigning that night. SEX ED 102: Progressive Sex Theory from the Free-Love Era displays educational material from the 60's and 70's, a time, the literature says, when classrooms dared to stray from strictly-biological depictions of "the act" and its consequences.

I never took sex ed at all. I had to find out where my prostate was the hard way. Most people I know who took it said that the purpose seemed to be the demystification of sex so that they wouldn't really want to do it.

"{SEX ED 102] acknowledges the pleasure aspects of sex often emphasizing foreplay and other activities that have become part of the sexual experience for many people."

Foreplay? What are you talking about?

THE FOLK SHOW: For the People, By the People is an exhibition of erotic folk art (like the pictured BDSM puppet). It would be interesting if the folk art was really folk art rather than postmodern art done in the style of folk art. But who cares? As I always say, "How can you go wrong when you've got Bondage Puppets?"

Finally, Wired.com's Regina Lynn will be signing her new book, The Sexual Revolution 2.0. I don't think there is any mention in there about a certain publicist's recent threats on my life, but I'm sure the Museum has an exhibit on spurned love and repressed homosexuality coming up.

The opening reception for both exhibits and Lynn's booksigning is from 7-11 p.m. on August 4. The exhibits run until November. Admission is $12.95.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 29, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Colossal Entertainment has released Drunk on Cum in distinctive foiled packaging with a brand new Cum font.

I believe it was the great Thomas Jefferson who said that he might not be turned on by a woman drinking semen from something other than the two standard receptacles (the source and off her philtrum), but he would fight to the death for your right to be turned on by it.

The whole "spoon fed" cum (movement?) and its worthy successors, including the likes of Eve Lawrence, Hailey Paige, Samantha, Barbara, and Tyla Wynn slurping sperm from margarita glasses, creep me out only in a logistical sense.

It's like when you try to serve McDonald's french fries in anything other than the original container. They are as cold and jellied as anything that came back from the Pet Sematary.

I am not saying that Eve Lawrence, Hailey Paige, Samantha, Barbara, and Tyla Wynn are the Undead, by the way. I'm just saying Why buy the champagne glass if you're so close to the cow? Or something.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, July 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Thomas Zupko's Buttblassted (yes, Buttblassted) rockets onto shelves this week, another offering from VCA Excessive.

Why is Lauren Phoenix' ass shinier than that of Tiffany Mynx? It is clear who wanted it more.

And what's the deal with Tiffany's sunglasses? Her shades are down, but her hand is up in a gesture I don't really understand. This is sort of like Janine's odd hailing gesture when her photo was released for her Digital Playground contract.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, July 28, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I consulted Porn Valley uberagent Mark Spiegler and Teutonic firebrand Katja Kassin (pictured) about something that has been troubling me for a while.

Seeing how the Germans have been able to sum up in one word concepts that would require several in English, like schadenfraude (pleasure at someone else's misfortune) and fahrvegnugen (pleasure in the operation of a motor vehicle), not to mention wurstfest (a sausage party, like what sometimes happens at porn events), mightn't there be a tasteful phrase that describes someone like Flower Tucci, Lauren Phoenix, or Katja Kassin that doesn't have the excretory anticipation of "corn-fed" or "built like a brick shithouse"?

The answer is Land Mädel or "Girl of the Land", which refers specifically to healthy farm girls, like Ellie Mae Clampett, Daisy Duke, but not, I guess, most of the victims in Silence of the Lambs.

The subtle difference, as the Germans know, is that you would want to slip into one of the aformentioned people like a suit, but not wear them as a suit.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Both Dependable Skeleton and Steve Ochs have hipped me in recent days to the - sadly - abandoned art of Flirty Fishing, in which Children of God/The Family cult members would act as prostitutes to win souls. The resulting "Jesus Babies" proliferated through the 90s.

Inspired by a passage from the Gospel of Matthew, in which JC Himself advised His disciples to drop their nets and become fishers of men, the Flirty Fishing movement, of course, also required holy johns to make a deposit of the non-sperm variety.

Where was I during this brief window when Christian cultists behaved altogether differently from the sullen girls at my CYO?

I will have to ask Paul Thomas.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Last night's Porn Star Karaoke was so hot that my cock stuck to the floor, so I spent most of the time outside.

Thinking I would only swing by on my way to my nightime roundtable of porn industry insiders in which I would dictate our strategies for the coming fiscal year as they all listened intently, wishing they had my experience, my connections, my ability to use meth without it taking control of me, and my 20-year friendship with Roy Karch, I stayed late.

Sardo's owner Seymour told me that a Famous Person had dropped by the other evening, having anticipated his bar's being named Burbank's Finest. Hint: It was neither Lou Ferrigno nor McLean Stevenson.

The Gaelic Faerie Sophie Dee took issue with "something nasty" I'd written about her earlier. I couldn't think of what it might have been. I asked her to tell me something that no one else knew.

"I like big black cock," she said.

"I will endeavor to grow one," I replied.

Both she and Tia Brodie are leaving for the U.K. next week. I will miss them. I will miss our afternoon teas, our eel pies, our bubbles and squeak, our soccer hooliganism, our preference for Ginger over Posh Spice, our subjugation of India, and their many rides on what they affectionately called "Gram's Lorry."

Speaking of the English, Layla Jade, too, was hanging around outside. She was wearing a pre-ripped top. There was, apparently, a demon inhabiting her person.

Q:What happens when you don't pay your Exorcist bill?
A:You get repossessed.

I don't ask people to flash me in front of Bank of America ATMs, but I am always happy when Flower Tucci does. For some reason she is rocking the cornrows this week, but she will only have them until Friday. "I have the biggest booty of any white girl," she said to a fan.

That is why I would like to be He Who Walks Behind the Rows.

Keiko was there as well and I have noticed that her hair color is inversely proportional to husband Rob Longshot's health. Theirs is a symbiotic porn marriage. Rob had injured his leg wrestling and was hobbling around on a crutch. Keiko, outside, sported hair several shades lighter than her recent fire engine red.

"The King and the Land are one," I said, and left.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 27, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The Virgin of Guadalupe (left) weeps silently at this year's doomed marriage of Nacho Vidal and Colombian model Francesca Jaimes, which ended one month ago.

"Do not console me," Vidal said through a translator, "Introduce me to your girlfriends."

Um, unless Ms. Jaimes has been fitted, eXisTEnz-style, with a Tranny Adapter, she can come and live with me and Iphigenia Squirtz. We run a program for Nacho's exes.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

...but he still appears to be the hardest working man in show business.

You know, that reference is almost exactly twenty years old, and refers to when Phil Collins appeared both in Philadelphia and London for the original Live Aid concerts. I better come up with some new material or outsiders will think the porn world is, I don't know, some kind of haven for losers.

Let's start again.

The serene David Aaron Clark writes while levitating inches above his Japanese rock garden that he is working on Azn Pop for Videoteam, Asian Fever for Hustler, an update of The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann for VCA, Legends of the Oriental Luv Motel for Madness, and (my favorite): Volume Three of Asian Mouth Club.

When asked how he keeps his energy up for his myriad Orientalist endeavors, Clark did not reply, "I eat a lot of steak, then I go out on my private water buffalo reserve for some target practice."

GP: Target practice?
DAC: Yes, but I use so much rocket-propelled ordinance that I very rarely hit what I want. The whiff of cordite and the hot slap of metal against meat helps keep me focused, though.
GP: It's hard to reconcile the delicate directorial brushstrokes required to make Asian-inflected porn with someone who goes out and kills water buffaloes with high-caliber weapons...
DAC: It's only an island if you look at it from the water.
GP: What?
DAC: You heard me.

Pictured: Yumi and (downtown LA?)

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 26, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Joanna Angel, who stole a moped for me, is putting an ad in AVN and requested a blurb.

"What a great new marketing opportunity," I thought, sending out a press release to my network of the rich and famous.

Joanna Angel came from space to kick ass with her crime-fighting vagina is the first entry in my blurb service, which already has offices in Bayjing, Buddharucharest, Mosscow, Canadia, Franconia Notch, Rio Di Janeiro, Purth, and Also.

If you would like a pithy blurb for your media campaign, let me know. It will probably have something to do with space, crime, and your vagina.

Pictured: Joanna Angel fighting crime with her feet.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 25, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I am not saying Doc Johnson markets to children, but their new Nuff Said Gram-length multispeed vibrator is reminiscent of picnics by the swimmin' hole, getting my braces off, and chasing the ice cream truck down the street.

And 12" is a great length to start returning to the womb.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 25, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Steve Banan and Ron Jeremy are still in negotiations with ABC about a possible reality show about Jeremy's life, according to Steve Banan, head of the Liberty Network and publisher of a newsletter read by 43 million people worldwide.

I personally would like to see a reality show about Banan's life. Nothing against Ron Jeremy, but does Jeremy have a newsletter read by 43 million people? Did Jeremy start Plato's Retreat? Is Jeremy married to Nicole Moore? No. The real story is BANAN, and it has always been BANAN. Just look at how many times one sees the word BANAN in BANAN's press releases about BANAN's clients and you will see that it is true.

It is BANAN's world.

The Liberty Network's Susan Cohen, whom I believe is dating AVN's Chip Baker, wrote the following press release, which I submit in its entirety.

"Update On Ron Jeremy ABC Network Reality Show Deal.
By Susan Cohen

Los Angeles July 23, 2005 –– This morning in a conversation with Steve Banan, Ron Jeremy's PR man, he alluded to the fact that early negotiations are still on going with ABC Network for a Ron Jeremy Reality Show. He said in a conversation he had with ABC executives on Friday morning, they were interested in having several ABC reality show producers take a look at the project just as soon as they gets back in two weeks.

Steve said, he mentioned to ABC executives, their Saturday evening primetime 9:00 or 10:00 slot definitely needs something. In his opinion, a summer replacement, Ron Jeremy Reality Show in either time slot would be the bomb. Viewers would tune in while they were home getting ready to go out and party.

Steve Banan a thirty-year veteran of the PR game, known, as the man that brought New York's famed Plato's Retreat to prominence, is not sitting on his laurels. He told me starting on Monday he will be at the Gower Studios in Hollywood discussing a Ron Jeremy Reality based show with several producers that have already contacted him after reading the ABC story from Xbiz The Industry Source. Steve told me, there is no bidding war going on here, even though ABC has told us not to say yes to any other producer before they had the first opportunity. Steve Banan told me, we are just talking and not signing with anyone at this time.

Steve Banan has kept Ron Jeremy apprized of every move he has made since ABC Network contacted him. Ron Jeremy has stated many times, there are none better then Steve Banan, when it comes to hands on publicity and negotiations. Ron Jeremy has complete trust and admiration for his good friend and business associate Steve Banan. He has given him the green light to pursue all negotiations for a Ron Jeremy Reality Base Show deal, pursuant to the finalization and signing by Ron Jeremy himself. For information and photo opportunities, please contact Steve Banan sbanan@thevine.net or 661-810-3691."

According to Banan's newsletter, The Liberty Network has offices in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Paris, Rome, London, and Sidney, but not Prog, though Nicole Moore has danced there. As Prog and Buddhapest are two emerging hubs in the porn world, no doubt Banan will open offices there, too.

I am very excited about what is happening with Banan and his clients. For just a hundred bucks, you can help sponsor the Liberty Network's newsletter and keep apprized of, what, is happening in the worlds of porn and mainstream.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 25, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Something about Mary Carey's admission of gassiness and subsequent proof of it on The Daily Show made me think that, as Governor of California, she might have stuck to her campaign promises (whatever they were).

What will George B. of San Diego, the winner of SugarDVD's "Win a Date with Mary Carey" contest, be promised?

As of this writing, we do not yet know:

1. When the date will happen
2. To what restaurant the pair will repair and what they will eat for their advertised "sexy meal".
a. Or if there will be a spending limit
3. Where the couple will be dancing
a. If Mary can boot scoot like the President

Jeff Mullen confirms that "Britney Rears will not be chaperoning."

I would help sponsor this event if Mary would turn to George sometime during the night and say, "George, tell again about the rabbits."

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Now that I'm 90 years old, there are few things that shock me.

I have had a well-loved porn actress squirt in my eye on set, over the head of her scene partner (in billiards, this is called a masse shot). I have watched Rob Spallone's Fat Gangbang, I have seen some of the most eclectic adult offerings from the former East Germany, Brazil, and Denmark. And, as you know, I saw a shark eat a rocking chair once.

But today I happened on the site MolestationAttorney.com.

The first thing I thought was that this site, sponsored by Imhoff & Associates, was a trap. So I called them up and asked the operator, "Is this a trap? Are you cops?" and I was assured that indeed MolestationAttorney.com is a resource for people looking to beat some particularly onerous raps.

From the website:

"Our attorney's [sic] will incorporate a strategy to help the judge and prosecutor see beyond the paper in their file to help them understand the full facts and circumstances involved in your case. We will also take specific steps to help the prosecutor and the judge see the good things that you do to consider your case more fairly."

It is important to show a judge and prosecutor that, in addition to molesting children, you are also a candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives, a taxpayer, a member of the Lakers or the FSC defense team, or a scrupulous gardener.

If the border between pedophilia and Barely Legal, or any teen title released by every studio, is an arbitrary birthday, then we must allow for similar gray areas in the legal profession. What one might describe as bottom feeding another might just as rightly say is defending the downtrodden.

And if the business of America is business, why not capitalize on your SEO research and buy a domain name that reflects the kind of services you offer?

It's still creepy.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

... will star in Four Horsemen Gangbang for backend points and stock option.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

VCA has always been on the cutting edge of social policy and trends in employee relations. This week the venerable company releases Backwash Babes, director Eli Cross' probing study of the inhospitable behavior du jour of the porn world: liquid re-spitting.

"No matter how hot I am, I wouldn't take a sip of your Pepsi and backwash into it," star Kylie Ireland did not say.

Backwash Babes was filmed by the mighty 5 in downtown Los Angeles and also stars Katrina Kraven, Melissa Lauren, and Hillary Scott.

"Backwashing is a huge problem, and it's killing our fish and ducks," said Woodsy Owl.

Owl, who wears a hat with a feather in it, did not comment when it was pointed out how horrifying it would be for a man to wear a hat with a human finger in it.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Sometimes a boxcover comes along that makes me think, for a second, what it must be like for people who actually have to buy porn.

You poor slobs!

Gina Lynn presents Fantasstic Whores, which is about women whose asses are made out of rocks or burst into flame, or can stretch. The latter talent is called a "gape" in our community.

Comic book art is always appreciated in the adult world, because most of the Bibles we leave lying around our offices are the childrens' illustrated ones, anyway.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Even before Lauren Phoenix became a sock model there, American Apparel appealed to my prurient interest. Here is an article about what the founder's been up to.

By the way, Denis Marti says the Italian word for "drool" is "sbavare". Grazie, Denis.

posted by Gram the Man at Friday, July 22, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Today, Merecenary Pictures' SuperWhores 1 will be released in a glorious collectors' edition that will reveal Lexington Steele's true vision of the film.

"The Man has kept me down for too long," Steele did not intone gravely, especially upon remembering that he is The Man.

According to internal documents, the new version is "just better."

"Why didn't I just release the good stuff before, instead of casting aspersions on the original edition?" Steele wept.

The SuperWhores 1 Collectors' Edition, which joins similar amped-up versions of other Mercenary titles like Black Reign 1 and Top Guns 1, contains extended behind-the-scenes footage and supplemental material, though it doesn't include a refund certificate for people who bought the original, apparently crappier version.

"Look, we just discovered this extra stuff," Steele did not say. "It's not like we planned to release a collectors' edition all along."

The SuperWhores 1 Collectors' Edition stars Allysin Chaynes, Rose, Avy Scott, Bobbi Eden, Taylor Lynn, Vicky Vette, Sky Taylor, Julie Robbins and Cameron Cain with Ben English, Mike Stefano, Erik Everhard and Steele.

Sharp-eyed fans will thrill to extended footage of Vicky Vette's crossing of the Paths of the Dead as well as Steele's confrontation with the Witch King.

posted by Gram the Man at Thursday, July 21, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Denis Marti, director of Riding the Curves 3, writes from Czechoslovakia that the title, which I had the great fortune of seeing in production, will be released next week.

2257 concerns nearly demolished my gallery from that day, but you can still see vestiges of it in the link above.

Marti also performed in the movie, which features jealousy-inducing scenes with Lauren Phoenix, Avy Lee Roth, and Gram Ponante restraining order recipient Flower Tucci.

"Flower is great, it was a real pleasure to work with her (read: can't wait to get the chance to fuck her again....damned 2257!!!!!)," wrote Marti. It's not just female foreign talent that are adversely affected by the 2257 restrictions.

While one would not call the zesty ladies in Riding the Curves "thick", most, if not all, pack much back. Watching Lauren Phoenix at the shoot, I thought, "God exists, and he's sorry about the time Belladonna broke your heart, Gram."

In my experience, Europeans are not as enamored of the "spinner" phenomenon as Americans are (or as my brother is); they prefer a little extra fleshiness.

Jersey Jaxin is a spinner. Lauren Phoenix and Flower Tucci are not. In nautical terms, Jersey Jaxin is like a little speedboat. Flower Tucci and Lauren Phoenix are like delightful battleships you could land your heicopter on and yell, "Mission Accomplished" (except you'd be right).

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Following last week's cum-spattered freakout celebrating Porn Star Karaoke's second anniversary, last night's event was comparatively low-key. Wankus was not there, ostensibly planning dolly and crane shots for the filming of UnFAITHful Secrets, negotiating the catering, the Star Waggons, and the extras casting for the Ampitheatre at Thermopylae scene, and working out logistics of the car chase through the L.A. Riverbed.

But Kristen, who handled things on her own last night at Sardo's, recently voted "Best Nightclub in Burbank" by the L.A. Times family of newspapers and the Independent Fans of Gram Ponante, could barely contain the Fozzi Onslaught.

Fozzi, aka George Kaplan, is a man who makes most of his living writing porn scripts. This can actually be done. Sporting a newly-bald pate, Fozzi took the stage for "Hot Hot Hot" and proceeded to reduce the porn-hardened crowd to gibbers and sobs. Accompanied by Laundrea, whose ensemble made me wish I was Yukon Cornelius, and Jersey Jaxin, who fits neatly in my pocket, Fozzi sang so passionately that he broke the karaoke machine and needed to start again.

There is a picture of Fozzi in the linked gallery. Naturally I needed to lead with the photo of Angel Cassidy and Genesis Skye, however. I know which way my bread is buttered, for Christ's sake.

Jersey Jaxin, whose belly button seems to be in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area (home of Tandy and the Realistic products), lamented that few people spell her name correctly.

"It's not 'Jackson'," she pouted.

"It might be because you have a map of Texas tattooed on you but your first name is 'Jersey'," I offered. "It might make people confused."

"Well, 'Texas Jaxin' sounds like it might be a poorly-thought-out comeback private eye vehicle for the likes of Chuck Norris or Bruce Boxleitner," she did not say.

Outside stood my hero, Tia Brodie, with her friend, Sophie Dee, whose eyes registered alarm when I asked if she might have been offered a fake ID to work in the United States to comply with 2257 requirements. Tia is from Kent and Sophie says she's from Birmingham (GramPonante.com exclusive: she's from Wales).

If I had been thinking straight, I would have recorded Sophie's voice, which is utterly incongruous with the picture you see in the gallery.

Sophie had no love for your pal Gram. I take this rejection harder than Lurk Ford, you see, because I lack the belief I deserve it. I am thinking she heard my name ("I doon't knoo hoo yoo arrr," she said) and remembered the Ponante invasion of Cardiff in 1504, when my forebears, commanded by Nostromo Ponante, stole all the vowels from the Welsh/Gaelic dialect.

That's the only explanation I can think of. Naturally I already ruled out that her utter indifference was because I'm a huge asshole.

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

The Adult Celebrity Poker Tournament, coordinated with the Novelty Expo at the Pasadena Hilton, drew about ten adult celebrities. Even adult celebrities who were listed as coming had never intended to come, as they already had plane tickets to the Caribbean in hand when the poker flyers were printed up.

That said, the air conditioning was fantastic, as were the snacks. And the adult celebrities who did show up (check the gallery for coverage) were of the top-notch variety.

Of the recent Free Speech Coalition Night of the Stars event held at Hollywood & Highland, Bill Margold told me that it had taken "33 years to cross the street."

The little office at 6912 Hollywood Boulevard "where X started" was right across the street from what became Hollywood & Highland, hosting a talent agency and studio space from 1972 to 1983. "No one remembered this the other night," Margold said.

There was a man associated with the adult novelty market who approached various porn stars, asking to be photographed as they rode him like a horse.

Eligible bachelor Harry Weiss wore a voluminous red Hawaiian poker shirt presented him by Cytherea.

I don't know who won the match. Perhaps one of the 400 guys there?

posted by Gram the Man at Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Son, I've made a life out of reading people's faces.

Tonight, when the adult world convenes for the Texas Hold-em tournament in Pasadena, it might very well be the "Dogs Playing Poker" scene that Gramponante.com stakeholder Dependable Skeleton predicts. I only hope that Kenny Rogers, The Gambler himself, will be there, slaughtering chickens in the lobby.

Ron Jeremy will host the event and adult personalities such as Sean Michaels, Kelly Erikson, Shy Love, Sarah Blake, and Rita Faltoyano will be there. All proceeds will go to charity.

I caught up with Rita Faltoyano and did not have the following conversation:

GP: Rita ...Islands in the stream; that is what we are
RF: No one in between? How could we be wrong?
GP: (urgently) SAIL AWAY WITH ME.
RF: To another world? And we'll rely on each other?
GP: Uh-huh
RF: Like one lover to another?
GP: (losing interest) Uh-huh.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

Digital Playground publicist Anal Load Lee has left me for a dreamboat SCUBA instructor. She will be getting married in Costa Rica next summer.

"I couldn't resist his eyes," Lee sobbed, presenting me a goodbye pen. I stood outside DP's Van Nuys headquarters with my boombox for thirty days, playing the Britney Rears classic "I Just Wanna Get Laid," but all Anal Load Lee did was giggle and go over wedding plans with Jesse Jane, who dumped me just six months earlier.

At least Teagan is still carrying my child.

I don't know what I will do now that all the publicists have been spoken for. April Storm has David Coverdale, Janie Lisziewski has modern dance, and Dusty has Kim Chambers and prehensile toes.

I suppose I could have been a better boyfriend. I suppose I shouldn't have talked about my innocent crush on Jackie Markham all the time. I wish I had been more there for her during the Tera thing, but I was battling my own demons.

I just got so caught up in the glamour of the AVN lunch truck.

I drove her away. Into the subaquatic arms of this Mike guy in the picture.

Another Mike, Mike South, told me to take it easy, that I'd get it right the next time. "Adell is like a little sea bird," Mike said. "You can't tame the little sea bird."

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

If I were Andrew Wyeth, Alice Suicide would be my Helga. My collection of photographs of this woman at work has now reached two, and I have no plans of stopping. She does not do hardcore, but I have seen her at several McKai-related functions, including the Scientology tent he set up on the set of Kill Girl Kill 3.

Maybe she just walked in off the street and started serving beer in the same way she did at that shoot last month where she was vacuuming? I don't know. I don't care, either. Screw you.

The Kill Girl Kill 2 party was held at Il Corral on Heliotrope in a section of Hollywood that looks like it should be somewhere else, like Riverside. The club was a cross betweeen the back room of a button manufacturer and Jame Gumb's basement, with a huge projection wall. A DJ played the song stylings of Sweet (formerly The Sweet).

On the wall was Kill Girl Kill 2. McKai had told me the first scene was going to send him to Hell. This interested me, as I know so many people in this and the other entertainment industry who justify a significant amount of surprising behavior on the fact that they're going to Hell anyway. But I didn't see the scene in question, and McKai was standing, unsinged, outside the club, wheeling and dealing.

"Are you seeing everyone you need to see?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, sipping my complimentary Mr. Shasta importantly.

All Media Play president and beneficiary of divine intervention Jeff Mullen was there, and I asked him about his recent SUV rollover. "Things happen quickly, but you have the chance to think about everything as it's happening," he said, noting that the windshield broke into "a million pieces" and he remembered thinking that each one might blind him.

Deciding that he had shortchanged God, Mullen then spied two half-Pakistani starlets and suggested the title of a porn film that will surely get him killed just after it makes him rich.

Another person who had cheated death recently, Evan Stone, was there celebrating his birthday. He was wearing a clean white shirt. Unlike the Ghost Shirts of my native Sioux, his shirt had no bullet holes.

Kill Girl Kill 2 hits the streets today.

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

GramPonante.com Inner Darkness Advisor Brooklyn has signed an exclusive pact with Bad Ass Models. Originally I reported, erroneously, that she had signed with Badass Models, thinking that "Badass" was a term of respect and "Bad Ass" was something you got after Discount Nite at Taco Bell. I was wrong.

Brooklyn was born in Los Angeles and raised in Orange County.

"I'm a very sexual person," she said. Prior to sticking her big toe into the porn pool at the behest of her friend Avy Lee Roth last year, Brooklyn worked as a dancer at Hollywood hair-metal establishment Club Vodka.

"I'm not going to tell you the names I used, because someone might still have one of them and be embarrassed," she said.

Here are some of the names I would like to think Brooklyn once used:

Bilbo
Solstyce
Schultzie
Mother Abigail
Nyarlathothep
Mrs. Ponante
Vyxyn
Rhoda Morganstern
Kofi Annan
Zankou
Twinkles

"I'm a very confident person," Brooklyn said. " When I walk into a room, I dominate the conversation."

"So why sign on with a manager?"

"I need someone to keep me organized. I also need someone who's real. {Bad Ass) Frank is real, as is Mofo from MofoWear."

"What does it say about our industry that the two most trustworthy guys are named Bad Ass and Motherfucker?"

"But I can call up Frank with a request and we'll end up just talking for hours," she said.

"You sure it's not Bill Margold?"

Brooklyn has been working a lot, but doesn't want to be the type of porner who works every day and loses her "mystery." She will be shooting a scene for Bad Ass Frank's first project, tentatively titled A.S.S., then heading to the Branson to Porn Valley's Nashville, Florida, to work for some Internet folks, then going to Internext, then traveling north to New York City to shoot with BurningAngel.com and to see her boyfriend's band, Smite, play.

"I'd also like to live at the beach and scream my head off all day with my friends," she said, "but there's no time for that now."

Brooklyn spends time with her parents, who love her, with her three-year-old daughter, who loves her, and with her boyfriend, of Smite fame, who loves her.

"My daughter is very honest," she said. "I would like to take what she says, put in on a microchip, and stick it in the back of people's heads."

Brooklyn's website, BrooklynAttacks.com, is only parked right now, but should be opening soon.

"When I get through with this business, I want to look back on it like a plump, vivacious career and take a bite of it like a million-dollar steak."

posted by Gram the Man at Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

I want to add permalinks, comments, and RSS to this blog without losing its signature look, so beloved of many Americans. I sure would like to do it in an automated fashion. I don't want to retrofit the site with HaloScan or any program that requires me to cut and paste data I've already written.

But I am America's Only Porn Journalist™ and all this keeping my thumb on the femoral pulse of Porn Valley has blunted my ability to learn on my own. That and the teabag injury.

So here's what I propose: send me an offer, you LA-area tech nerds. Show me how to take this site to the next logical step and I will reward you with FREE PORN and a permanent link to your works on this, a site Pravda did not call "your superannuated MILF clearinghouse." I need to be able to handle the webbish science as easily as I vigorously rub a tender and bleating English language.

As Fredo Corleone said, "I'm smart." So it should be easy.

Then, and only then, will the real Violet Blue introduce me to her parents and build me the machine I have so long requested: The Ponante Weapons-grade Salmon Sexer.

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post

posted by Gram the Man at Monday, July 18, 2005 | 0 Comments Links to this post