 |
"(Porn Valley Observed is) the smartest and funniest coverage of the adult industry you will read." - About.com |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Sunday, July 31, 2005
The Blood of Doc Johnson Compels You
 Doc Johnson, official marital aid of the crews docked in the International Space Station, has unveiled its own brand of Vivid blowup dolls. These employ technology often found in high-tech bakeries to superimpose a Vivid Girl's face onto the standard chassis of a blowup doll."...allowing a person to look directly into the eyes of their favorite Vivid Girl while using the novelty item," says the press release. If that is true, then the heads must turn all the way around, right? ¶ Sunday, July 31, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post  
Friday, July 29, 2005
Are You Lonely in Chatsworth Tonight?
 I have an idea.Why can't hard-woking, honest people in the adult industry get dates? I don't know - maybe it's because they have a single key on their computer that inserts the word "cockgoblin" because they use it so much. Maybe it's because potential suitors quail at the thought of going to Denny's with someone who can hold a canister of Lincoln Logs in her anus. Do porn personalities have trouble finding dates and staying in relationships based on what they do for a living? Have you ever broken up because a partner, who might’ve thought it was cool to have a porn connection before, suddenly got jealous of the attention you receive? Do you think dating within the industry could work if certain criteria were met? Would you or someone you know be interested? Click on the link above. ¶ Friday, July 29, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
BDSMarionettes
 As anyone who has ever met me knows, I am a highly-stylized, erotic person. That is why next Thursday's event at Hollywood's Erotic Museum sounds like it will be fun.The Museum will be featuring two debuts and one booksigning that night. SEX ED 102: Progressive Sex Theory from the Free-Love Era displays educational material from the 60's and 70's, a time, the literature says, when classrooms dared to stray from strictly-biological depictions of "the act" and its consequences. I never took sex ed at all. I had to find out where my prostate was the hard way. Most people I know who took it said that the purpose seemed to be the demystification of sex so that they wouldn't really want to do it. "{SEX ED 102] acknowledges the pleasure aspects of sex often emphasizing foreplay and other activities that have become part of the sexual experience for many people." Foreplay? What are you talking about? THE FOLK SHOW: For the People, By the People is an exhibition of erotic folk art (like the pictured BDSM puppet). It would be interesting if the folk art was really folk art rather than postmodern art done in the style of folk art. But who cares? As I always say, "How can you go wrong when you've got Bondage Puppets?" Finally, Wired.com's Regina Lynn will be signing her new book, The Sexual Revolution 2.0. I don't think there is any mention in there about a certain publicist's recent threats on my life, but I'm sure the Museum has an exhibit on spurned love and repressed homosexuality coming up. The opening reception for both exhibits and Lynn's booksigning is from 7-11 p.m. on August 4. The exhibits run until November. Admission is $12.95. ¶ Friday, July 29, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Cum-Drunk Love, or Curses, Foiled Again
 Colossal Entertainment has released Drunk on Cum in distinctive foiled packaging with a brand new Cum font.I believe it was the great Thomas Jefferson who said that he might not be turned on by a woman drinking semen from something other than the two standard receptacles (the source and off her philtrum), but he would fight to the death for your right to be turned on by it. The whole "spoon fed" cum (movement?) and its worthy successors, including the likes of Eve Lawrence, Hailey Paige, Samantha, Barbara, and Tyla Wynn slurping sperm from margarita glasses, creep me out only in a logistical sense. It's like when you try to serve McDonald's french fries in anything other than the original container. They are as cold and jellied as anything that came back from the Pet Sematary. I am not saying that Eve Lawrence, Hailey Paige, Samantha, Barbara, and Tyla Wynn are the Undead, by the way. I'm just saying Why buy the champagne glass if you're so close to the cow? Or something. ¶ Thursday, July 28, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Oil Exhausted on Phoenix' Ass
 Thomas Zupko's Buttblassted (yes, Buttblassted) rockets onto shelves this week, another offering from VCA Excessive.Why is Lauren Phoenix' ass shinier than that of Tiffany Mynx? It is clear who wanted it more.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Land Mädel
 I consulted Porn Valley uberagent Mark Spiegler and Teutonic firebrand Katja Kassin (pictured) about something that has been troubling me for a while.Seeing how the Germans have been able to sum up in one word concepts that would require several in English, like schadenfraude (pleasure at someone else's misfortune) and fahrvegnugen (pleasure in the operation of a motor vehicle), not to mention wurstfest (a sausage party, like what sometimes happens at porn events), mightn't there be a tasteful phrase that describes someone like Flower Tucci, Lauren Phoenix, or Katja Kassin that doesn't have the excretory anticipation of "corn-fed" or "built like a brick shithouse"? The answer is Land Mädel or "Girl of the Land", which refers specifically to healthy farm girls, like Ellie Mae Clampett, Daisy Duke, but not, I guess, most of the victims in Silence of the Lambs. The subtle difference, as the Germans know, is that you would want to slip into one of the aformentioned people like a suit, but not wear them as a suit. ¶ Wednesday, July 27, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
'sanna, 'sanna: Ho
 Both Dependable Skeleton and Steve Ochs have hipped me in recent days to the - sadly - abandoned art of Flirty Fishing, in which Children of God/The Family cult members would act as prostitutes to win souls. The resulting "Jesus Babies" proliferated through the 90s.Inspired by a passage from the Gospel of Matthew, in which JC Himself advised His disciples to drop their nets and become fishers of men, the Flirty Fishing movement, of course, also required holy johns to make a deposit of the non-sperm variety. Where was I during this brief window when Christian cultists behaved altogether differently from the sullen girls at my CYO? I will have to ask Paul Thomas. ¶ Wednesday, July 27, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Corn-fed, Cornrows
 Last night's Porn Star Karaoke was so hot that my cock stuck to the floor, so I spent most of the time outside.Thinking I would only swing by on my way to my nightime roundtable of porn industry insiders in which I would dictate our strategies for the coming fiscal year as they all listened intently, wishing they had my experience, my connections, my ability to use meth without it taking control of me, and my 20-year friendship with Roy Karch, I stayed late. Sardo's owner Seymour told me that a Famous Person had dropped by the other evening, having anticipated his bar's being named Burbank's Finest. Hint: It was neither Lou Ferrigno nor McLean Stevenson. The Gaelic Faerie Sophie Dee took issue with "something nasty" I'd written about her earlier. I couldn't think of what it might have been. I asked her to tell me something that no one else knew. "I like big black cock," she said. "I will endeavor to grow one," I replied. Both she and Tia Brodie are leaving for the U.K. next week. I will miss them. I will miss our afternoon teas, our eel pies, our bubbles and squeak, our soccer hooliganism, our preference for Ginger over Posh Spice, our subjugation of India, and their many rides on what they affectionately called "Gram's Lorry." Speaking of the English, Layla Jade, too, was hanging around outside. She was wearing a pre-ripped top. There was, apparently, a demon inhabiting her person. Q:What happens when you don't pay your Exorcist bill? A:You get repossessed. I don't ask people to flash me in front of Bank of America ATMs, but I am always happy when Flower Tucci does. For some reason she is rocking the cornrows this week, but she will only have them until Friday. "I have the biggest booty of any white girl," she said to a fan. That is why I would like to be He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Keiko was there as well and I have noticed that her hair color is inversely proportional to husband Rob Longshot's health. Theirs is a symbiotic porn marriage. Rob had injured his leg wrestling and was hobbling around on a crutch. Keiko, outside, sported hair several shades lighter than her recent fire engine red. "The King and the Land are one," I said, and left. ¶ Wednesday, July 27, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Brits Mull ISP CP Disclosure Rule
LONDON—Margaret Moran, a Labour MP, has introduced legislation to Parliament that would require ISPs to declare the steps they’ve taken to block access to child pornography on their networks.
The bill, submitted under Parliament’s “Ten Minute Rule,” which allows only brief discussion of the issue and is unlikely to effect immediate change, is still of concern to ISPs worried about the cost of monitoring. Still, ISP representatives gave the idea cautious support. Joan Irvine, Executive Director of ASACP, told me that U.S. law forbids ISPs to proactively monitor their associated sites. “A company would be placing itself in a potential legal situation if it tried to proactively search for CP on a server,” she said. ASACP does send “red flag reports” to various ISPs and domain registrars when suspicious material is encountered on in those companies’ accounts, however. The reports, detailed with all available IP addresses, including proxy servers, if any, as well as names and associated information from WhoIs lookups, provide companies with the wherewithal to investigate their clients. Labels: asacp, england, legal, xbiz stories ¶ Tuesday, July 26, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Nacho Se Divorcia
 The Virgin of Guadalupe (left) weeps silently at this year's doomed marriage of Nacho Vidal and Colombian model Francesca Jaimes, which ended one month ago."Do not console me," Vidal said through a translator, "Introduce me to your girlfriends." Um, unless Ms. Jaimes has been fitted, eXisTEnz-style, with a Tranny Adapter, she can come and live with me and Iphigenia Squirtz. We run a program for Nacho's exes. ¶ Tuesday, July 26, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
David Aaron Clark: "I am not Phil Collins."
 ...but he still appears to be the hardest working man in show business.You know, that reference is almost exactly twenty years old, and refers to when Phil Collins appeared both in Philadelphia and London for the original Live Aid concerts. I better come up with some new material or outsiders will think the porn world is, I don't know, some kind of haven for losers. Let's start again. The serene David Aaron Clark writes while levitating inches above his Japanese rock garden that he is working on Azn Pop for Videoteam, Asian Fever for Hustler, an update of The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann for VCA, Legends of the Oriental Luv Motel for Madness, and (my favorite): Volume Three of Asian Mouth Club. When asked how he keeps his energy up for his myriad Orientalist endeavors, Clark did not reply, "I eat a lot of steak, then I go out on my private water buffalo reserve for some target practice." GP: Target practice? DAC: Yes, but I use so much rocket-propelled ordinance that I very rarely hit what I want. The whiff of cordite and the hot slap of metal against meat helps keep me focused, though. GP: It's hard to reconcile the delicate directorial brushstrokes required to make Asian-inflected porn with someone who goes out and kills water buffaloes with high-caliber weapons... DAC: It's only an island if you look at it from the water. GP: What? DAC: You heard me. Pictured: Yumi and (downtown LA?) ¶ Tuesday, July 26, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 25, 2005
Ponante Blurbotron Launches
 Joanna Angel, who stole a moped for me, is putting an ad in AVN and requested a blurb."What a great new marketing opportunity," I thought, sending out a press release to my network of the rich and famous. Joanna Angel came from space to kick ass with her crime-fighting vagina is the first entry in my blurb service, which already has offices in Bayjing, Buddharucharest, Mosscow, Canadia, Franconia Notch, Rio Di Janeiro, Purth, and Also. If you would like a pithy blurb for your media campaign, let me know. It will probably have something to do with space, crime, and your vagina. Pictured: Joanna Angel fighting crime with her feet. ¶ Monday, July 25, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Homesick
 I am not saying Doc Johnson markets to children, but their new Nuff Said Gram-length multispeed vibrator is reminiscent of picnics by the swimmin' hole, getting my braces off, and chasing the ice cream truck down the street.And 12" is a great length to start returning to the womb. ¶ Monday, July 25, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
ABC to Banan: "Give us your numbers in Sidney and Prog."
 Steve Banan and Ron Jeremy are still in negotiations with ABC about a possible reality show about Jeremy's life, according to Steve Banan, head of the Liberty Network and publisher of a newsletter read by 43 million people worldwide.I personally would like to see a reality show about Banan's life. Nothing against Ron Jeremy, but does Jeremy have a newsletter read by 43 million people? Did Jeremy start Plato's Retreat? Is Jeremy married to Nicole Moore? No. The real story is BANAN, and it has always been BANAN. Just look at how many times one sees the word BANAN in BANAN's press releases about BANAN's clients and you will see that it is true. It is BANAN's world. The Liberty Network's Susan Cohen, whom I believe is dating AVN's Chip Baker, wrote the following press release, which I submit in its entirety. "Update On Ron Jeremy ABC Network Reality Show Deal. By Susan Cohen Los Angeles July 23, 2005 –– This morning in a conversation with Steve Banan, Ron Jeremy's PR man, he alluded to the fact that early negotiations are still on going with ABC Network for a Ron Jeremy Reality Show. He said in a conversation he had with ABC executives on Friday morning, they were interested in having several ABC reality show producers take a look at the project just as soon as they gets back in two weeks. Steve said, he mentioned to ABC executives, their Saturday evening primetime 9:00 or 10:00 slot definitely needs something. In his opinion, a summer replacement, Ron Jeremy Reality Show in either time slot would be the bomb. Viewers would tune in while they were home getting ready to go out and party. Steve Banan a thirty-year veteran of the PR game, known, as the man that brought New York's famed Plato's Retreat to prominence, is not sitting on his laurels. He told me starting on Monday he will be at the Gower Studios in Hollywood discussing a Ron Jeremy Reality based show with several producers that have already contacted him after reading the ABC story from Xbiz The Industry Source. Steve told me, there is no bidding war going on here, even though ABC has told us not to say yes to any other producer before they had the first opportunity. Steve Banan told me, we are just talking and not signing with anyone at this time. Steve Banan has kept Ron Jeremy apprized of every move he has made since ABC Network contacted him. Ron Jeremy has stated many times, there are none better then Steve Banan, when it comes to hands on publicity and negotiations. Ron Jeremy has complete trust and admiration for his good friend and business associate Steve Banan. He has given him the green light to pursue all negotiations for a Ron Jeremy Reality Base Show deal, pursuant to the finalization and signing by Ron Jeremy himself. For information and photo opportunities, please contact Steve Banan sbanan@thevine.net or 661-810-3691." According to Banan's newsletter, The Liberty Network has offices in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Paris, Rome, London, and Sidney, but not Prog, though Nicole Moore has danced there. As Prog and Buddhapest are two emerging hubs in the porn world, no doubt Banan will open offices there, too. I am very excited about what is happening with Banan and his clients. For just a hundred bucks, you can help sponsor the Liberty Network's newsletter and keep apprized of, what, is happening in the worlds of porn and mainstream. ¶ Monday, July 25, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 22, 2005
I will call him "George".
 Something about Mary Carey's admission of gassiness and subsequent proof of it on The Daily Show made me think that, as Governor of California, she might have stuck to her campaign promises (whatever they were).What will George B. of San Diego, the winner of SugarDVD's "Win a Date with Mary Carey" contest, be promised? As of this writing, we do not yet know: 1. When the date will happen 2. To what restaurant the pair will repair and what they will eat for their advertised "sexy meal". a. Or if there will be a spending limit 3. Where the couple will be dancing a. If Mary can boot scoot like the President Jeff Mullen confirms that "Britney Rears will not be chaperoning." I would help sponsor this event if Mary would turn to George sometime during the night and say, "George, tell again about the rabbits." ¶ Friday, July 22, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Counselor, Catch that Ambulance!
 Now that I'm 90 years old, there are few things that shock me.I have had a well-loved porn actress squirt in my eye on set, over the head of her scene partner (in billiards, this is called a masse shot). I have watched Rob Spallone's Fat Gangbang, I have seen some of the most eclectic adult offerings from the former East Germany, Brazil, and Denmark. And, as you know, I saw a shark eat a rocking chair once. But today I happened on the site MolestationAttorney.com. The first thing I thought was that this site, sponsored by Imhoff & Associates, was a trap. So I called them up and asked the operator, "Is this a trap? Are you cops?" and I was assured that indeed MolestationAttorney.com is a resource for people looking to beat some particularly onerous raps. From the website: "Our attorney's [sic] will incorporate a strategy to help the judge and prosecutor see beyond the paper in their file to help them understand the full facts and circumstances involved in your case. We will also take specific steps to help the prosecutor and the judge see the good things that you do to consider your case more fairly." It is important to show a judge and prosecutor that, in addition to molesting children, you are also a candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives, a taxpayer, a member of the Lakers or the FSC defense team, or a scrupulous gardener. If the border between pedophilia and Barely Legal, or any teen title released by every studio, is an arbitrary birthday, then we must allow for similar gray areas in the legal profession. What one might describe as bottom feeding another might just as rightly say is defending the downtrodden. And if the business of America is business, why not capitalize on your SEO research and buy a domain name that reflects the kind of services you offer? It's still creepy. ¶ Friday, July 22, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Reaper spotted at JKP, offered contract
 ... will star in Four Horsemen Gangbang for backend points and stock option.
¶
Friday, July 22, 2005
0 Comments
Links to this post
All I wanted was a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
 VCA has always been on the cutting edge of social policy and trends in employee relations. This week the venerable company releases Backwash Babes, director Eli Cross' probing study of the inhospitable behavior du jour of the porn world: liquid re-spitting."No matter how hot I am, I wouldn't take a sip of your Pepsi and backwash into it," star Kylie Ireland did not say. Backwash Babes was filmed by the mighty 5 in downtown Los Angeles and also stars Katrina Kraven, Melissa Lauren, and Hillary Scott. "Backwashing is a huge problem, and it's killing our fish and ducks," said Woodsy Owl. Owl, who wears a hat with a feather in it, did not comment when it was pointed out how horrifying it would be for a man to wear a hat with a human finger in it. ¶ Friday, July 22, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
And yet more whores
 Sometimes a boxcover comes along that makes me think, for a second, what it must be like for people who actually have to buy porn. You poor slobs! Gina Lynn presents Fantasstic Whores, which is about women whose asses are made out of rocks or burst into flame, or can stretch. The latter talent is called a "gape" in our community. Comic book art is always appreciated in the adult world, because most of the Bibles we leave lying around our offices are the childrens' illustrated ones, anyway. ¶ Friday, July 22, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Good-natured Canadian fun at American Apparel
 Even before Lauren Phoenix became a sock model there, American Apparel appealed to my prurient interest. Here is an article about what the founder's been up to.By the way, Denis Marti says the Italian word for "drool" is "sbavare". Grazie, Denis. ¶ Friday, July 22, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Whore Powers: Activate
 Today, Merecenary Pictures' SuperWhores 1 will be released in a glorious collectors' edition that will reveal Lexington Steele's true vision of the film."The Man has kept me down for too long," Steele did not intone gravely, especially upon remembering that he is The Man. According to internal documents, the new version is "just better." "Why didn't I just release the good stuff before, instead of casting aspersions on the original edition?" Steele wept. The SuperWhores 1 Collectors' Edition, which joins similar amped-up versions of other Mercenary titles like Black Reign 1 and Top Guns 1, contains extended behind-the-scenes footage and supplemental material, though it doesn't include a refund certificate for people who bought the original, apparently crappier version. "Look, we just discovered this extra stuff," Steele did not say. "It's not like we planned to release a collectors' edition all along." The SuperWhores 1 Collectors' Edition stars Allysin Chaynes, Rose, Avy Scott, Bobbi Eden, Taylor Lynn, Vicky Vette, Sky Taylor, Julie Robbins and Cameron Cain with Ben English, Mike Stefano, Erik Everhard and Steele. Sharp-eyed fans will thrill to extended footage of Vicky Vette's crossing of the Paths of the Dead as well as Steele's confrontation with the Witch King. ¶ Thursday, July 21, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be in Prague
 Denis Marti, director of Riding the Curves 3, writes from Czechoslovakia that the title, which I had the great fortune of seeing in production, will be released next week.2257 concerns nearly demolished my gallery from that day, but you can still see vestiges of it in the link above. Marti also performed in the movie, which features jealousy-inducing scenes with Lauren Phoenix, Avy Lee Roth, and Gram Ponante restraining order recipient Flower Tucci. "Flower is great, it was a real pleasure to work with her (read: can't wait to get the chance to fuck her again....damned 2257!!!!!)," wrote Marti. It's not just female foreign talent that are adversely affected by the 2257 restrictions. While one would not call the zesty ladies in Riding the Curves "thick", most, if not all, pack much back. Watching Lauren Phoenix at the shoot, I thought, "God exists, and he's sorry about the time Belladonna broke your heart, Gram." In my experience, Europeans are not as enamored of the "spinner" phenomenon as Americans are (or as my brother is); they prefer a little extra fleshiness. Jersey Jaxin is a spinner. Lauren Phoenix and Flower Tucci are not. In nautical terms, Jersey Jaxin is like a little speedboat. Flower Tucci and Lauren Phoenix are like delightful battleships you could land your heicopter on and yell, "Mission Accomplished" (except you'd be right). ¶ Wednesday, July 20, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
On slow PSK night, Fozzi erupts
 Following last week's cum-spattered freakout celebrating Porn Star Karaoke's second anniversary, last night's event was comparatively low-key. Wankus was not there, ostensibly planning dolly and crane shots for the filming of UnFAITHful Secrets, negotiating the catering, the Star Waggons, and the extras casting for the Ampitheatre at Thermopylae scene, and working out logistics of the car chase through the L.A. Riverbed.But Kristen, who handled things on her own last night at Sardo's, recently voted "Best Nightclub in Burbank" by the L.A. Times family of newspapers and the Independent Fans of Gram Ponante, could barely contain the Fozzi Onslaught. Fozzi, aka George Kaplan, is a man who makes most of his living writing porn scripts. This can actually be done. Sporting a newly-bald pate, Fozzi took the stage for "Hot Hot Hot" and proceeded to reduce the porn-hardened crowd to gibbers and sobs. Accompanied by Laundrea, whose ensemble made me wish I was Yukon Cornelius, and Jersey Jaxin, who fits neatly in my pocket, Fozzi sang so passionately that he broke the karaoke machine and needed to start again. There is a picture of Fozzi in the linked gallery. Naturally I needed to lead with the photo of Angel Cassidy and Genesis Skye, however. I know which way my bread is buttered, for Christ's sake. Jersey Jaxin, whose belly button seems to be in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area (home of Tandy and the Realistic products), lamented that few people spell her name correctly. "It's not 'Jackson'," she pouted. "It might be because you have a map of Texas tattooed on you but your first name is 'Jersey'," I offered. "It might make people confused." "Well, 'Texas Jaxin' sounds like it might be a poorly-thought-out comeback private eye vehicle for the likes of Chuck Norris or Bruce Boxleitner," she did not say. Outside stood my hero, Tia Brodie, with her friend, Sophie Dee, whose eyes registered alarm when I asked if she might have been offered a fake ID to work in the United States to comply with 2257 requirements. Tia is from Kent and Sophie says she's from Birmingham (GramPonante.com exclusive: she's from Wales). If I had been thinking straight, I would have recorded Sophie's voice, which is utterly incongruous with the picture you see in the gallery. Sophie had no love for your pal Gram. I take this rejection harder than Lurk Ford, you see, because I lack the belief I deserve it. I am thinking she heard my name ("I doon't knoo hoo yoo arrr," she said) and remembered the Ponante invasion of Cardiff in 1504, when my forebears, commanded by Nostromo Ponante, stole all the vowels from the Welsh/Gaelic dialect. That's the only explanation I can think of. Naturally I already ruled out that her utter indifference was because I'm a huge asshole. ¶ Wednesday, July 20, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
An ace that I could keep
 The Adult Celebrity Poker Tournament, coordinated with the Novelty Expo at the Pasadena Hilton, drew about ten adult celebrities. Even adult celebrities who were listed as coming had never intended to come, as they already had plane tickets to the Caribbean in hand when the poker flyers were printed up.That said, the air conditioning was fantastic, as were the snacks. And the adult celebrities who did show up (check the gallery for coverage) were of the top-notch variety. Of the recent Free Speech Coalition Night of the Stars event held at Hollywood & Highland, Bill Margold told me that it had taken "33 years to cross the street." The little office at 6912 Hollywood Boulevard "where X started" was right across the street from what became Hollywood & Highland, hosting a talent agency and studio space from 1972 to 1983. "No one remembered this the other night," Margold said. There was a man associated with the adult novelty market who approached various porn stars, asking to be photographed as they rode him like a horse. Eligible bachelor Harry Weiss wore a voluminous red Hawaiian poker shirt presented him by Cytherea. I don't know who won the match. Perhaps one of the 400 guys there? ¶ Wednesday, July 20, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Know when to walk away
 Son, I've made a life out of reading people's faces.Tonight, when the adult world convenes for the Texas Hold-em tournament in Pasadena, it might very well be the "Dogs Playing Poker" scene that Gramponante.com stakeholder Dependable Skeleton predicts. I only hope that Kenny Rogers, The Gambler himself, will be there, slaughtering chickens in the lobby. Ron Jeremy will host the event and adult personalities such as Sean Michaels, Kelly Erikson, Shy Love, Sarah Blake, and Rita Faltoyano will be there. All proceeds will go to charity. I caught up with Rita Faltoyano and did not have the following conversation: GP: Rita ...Islands in the stream; that is what we are RF: No one in between? How could we be wrong? GP: (urgently) SAIL AWAY WITH ME. RF: To another world? And we'll rely on each other? GP: Uh-huh RF: Like one lover to another? GP: (losing interest) Uh-huh. ¶ Tuesday, July 19, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Anal Load Lee leaves me
 Digital Playground publicist Anal Load Lee has left me for a dreamboat SCUBA instructor. She will be getting married in Costa Rica next summer."I couldn't resist his eyes," Lee sobbed, presenting me a goodbye pen. I stood outside DP's Van Nuys headquarters with my boombox for thirty days, playing the Britney Rears classic "I Just Wanna Get Laid," but all Anal Load Lee did was giggle and go over wedding plans with Jesse Jane, who dumped me just six months earlier. At least Teagan is still carrying my child. I don't know what I will do now that all the publicists have been spoken for. April Storm has David Coverdale, Janie Lisziewski has modern dance, and Dusty has Kim Chambers and prehensile toes. I suppose I could have been a better boyfriend. I suppose I shouldn't have talked about my innocent crush on Jackie Markham all the time. I wish I had been more there for her during the Tera thing, but I was battling my own demons. I just got so caught up in the glamour of the AVN lunch truck. I drove her away. Into the subaquatic arms of this Mike guy in the picture. Another Mike, Mike South, told me to take it easy, that I'd get it right the next time. "Adell is like a little sea bird," Mike said. "You can't tame the little sea bird." ¶ Tuesday, July 19, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Going to Hell: the Kill Girl Kill 2 Party
 If I were Andrew Wyeth, Alice Suicide would be my Helga. My collection of photographs of this woman at work has now reached two, and I have no plans of stopping. She does not do hardcore, but I have seen her at several McKai-related functions, including the Scientology tent he set up on the set of Kill Girl Kill 3. Maybe she just walked in off the street and started serving beer in the same way she did at that shoot last month where she was vacuuming? I don't know. I don't care, either. Screw you. The Kill Girl Kill 2 party was held at Il Corral on Heliotrope in a section of Hollywood that looks like it should be somewhere else, like Riverside. The club was a cross betweeen the back room of a button manufacturer and Jame Gumb's basement, with a huge projection wall. A DJ played the song stylings of Sweet (formerly The Sweet). On the wall was Kill Girl Kill 2. McKai had told me the first scene was going to send him to Hell. This interested me, as I know so many people in this and the other entertainment industry who justify a significant amount of surprising behavior on the fact that they're going to Hell anyway. But I didn't see the scene in question, and McKai was standing, unsinged, outside the club, wheeling and dealing. "Are you seeing everyone you need to see?" he asked. "Yes," I said, sipping my complimentary Mr. Shasta importantly. All Media Play president and beneficiary of divine intervention Jeff Mullen was there, and I asked him about his recent SUV rollover. "Things happen quickly, but you have the chance to think about everything as it's happening," he said, noting that the windshield broke into "a million pieces" and he remembered thinking that each one might blind him. Deciding that he had shortchanged God, Mullen then spied two half-Pakistani starlets and suggested the title of a porn film that will surely get him killed just after it makes him rich. Another person who had cheated death recently, Evan Stone, was there celebrating his birthday. He was wearing a clean white shirt. Unlike the Ghost Shirts of my native Sioux, his shirt had no bullet holes. Kill Girl Kill 2 hits the streets today. ¶ Tuesday, July 19, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
A tent pitches for Brooklyn
 GramPonante.com Inner Darkness Advisor Brooklyn has signed an exclusive pact with Bad Ass Models. Originally I reported, erroneously, that she had signed with Badass Models, thinking that "Badass" was a term of respect and "Bad Ass" was something you got after Discount Nite at Taco Bell. I was wrong. Brooklyn was born in Los Angeles and raised in Orange County. "I'm a very sexual person," she said. Prior to sticking her big toe into the porn pool at the behest of her friend Avy Lee Roth last year, Brooklyn worked as a dancer at Hollywood hair-metal establishment Club Vodka. "I'm not going to tell you the names I used, because someone might still have one of them and be embarrassed," she said. Here are some of the names I would like to think Brooklyn once used: Bilbo Solstyce Schultzie Mother Abigail Nyarlathothep Mrs. Ponante Vyxyn Rhoda Morganstern Kofi Annan Zankou Twinkles "I'm a very confident person," Brooklyn said. " When I walk into a room, I dominate the conversation." "So why sign on with a manager?" "I need someone to keep me organized. I also need someone who's real. {Bad Ass) Frank is real, as is Mofo from MofoWear." "What does it say about our industry that the two most trustworthy guys are named Bad Ass and Motherfucker?" "But I can call up Frank with a request and we'll end up just talking for hours," she said. "You sure it's not Bill Margold?" Brooklyn has been working a lot, but doesn't want to be the type of porner who works every day and loses her "mystery." She will be shooting a scene for Bad Ass Frank's first project, tentatively titled A.S.S., then heading to the Branson to Porn Valley's Nashville, Florida, to work for some Internet folks, then going to Internext, then traveling north to New York City to shoot with BurningAngel.com and to see her boyfriend's band, Smite, play. "I'd also like to live at the beach and scream my head off all day with my friends," she said, "but there's no time for that now." Brooklyn spends time with her parents, who love her, with her three-year-old daughter, who loves her, and with her boyfriend, of Smite fame, who loves her. "My daughter is very honest," she said. "I would like to take what she says, put in on a microchip, and stick it in the back of people's heads." Brooklyn's website, BrooklynAttacks.com, is only parked right now, but should be opening soon. "When I get through with this business, I want to look back on it like a plump, vivacious career and take a bite of it like a million-dollar steak." ¶ Tuesday, July 19, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 18, 2005
Site somewhat better
Thanks to the help of some unbenighted friends I am now able to permalink and publish a site feed without too much of a problem.
Thanks, Corn-fed Daughters of the American Revolution! ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Gram's cry for help
 I want to add permalinks, comments, and RSS to this blog without losing its signature look, so beloved of many Americans. I sure would like to do it in an automated fashion. I don't want to retrofit the site with HaloScan or any program that requires me to cut and paste data I've already written. But I am America's Only Porn Journalist™ and all this keeping my thumb on the femoral pulse of Porn Valley has blunted my ability to learn on my own. That and the teabag injury. So here's what I propose: send me an offer, you LA-area tech nerds. Show me how to take this site to the next logical step and I will reward you with FREE PORN and a permanent link to your works on this, a site Pravda did not call "your superannuated MILF clearinghouse." I need to be able to handle the webbish science as easily as I vigorously rub a tender and bleating English language. As Fredo Corleone said, "I'm smart." So it should be easy. Then, and only then, will the real Violet Blue introduce me to her parents and build me the machine I have so long requested: The Ponante Weapons-grade Salmon Sexer. ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Daniel Metcalf leaves Wicked; I become Wicked's publicist
Daniel Metcalf, one of the big three, has left Wicked Pictures to hang out his own shingle by Interstate 95 in a part of the country that is just better. Here is his new site.
"Get me Gram Ponante," Wicked owner Steve Orenstein did not say, "I want to shower him with Metcalfian riches." ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
I am Black And Famous
 1st Strike Entertainment, the urban planning division of Nectar Entertainment, weaves the tale of five ladies who are movin' on up. Directed by Richard De Montfort, Black And Famous is a lawsuit-worthy depiction of my life that might as well have beeen ripped from the very pages of the Ponante family Bible. From the press release: Brett Reez, vice president of sales for Nectar Entertainment, the company that distributes 1st Strike, thinks that an "atmosphere of sophistication" is exactly what the ethnic adult consumer is looking for. Don't you tell me what I'm looking for, cracka! ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
KGK2 BYOB
 I don't usually publicize parties because who am I, Lauren Tewes? That said, those nice kids behind the Kill Girl Kill family of products, namely Eon McKai, Malachi Ecks, and Sean Carnage and VCA are throwing a BYOB happening to celebrate the release of Kill Girl Kill 2. Monday, July 18. (Thanks to the people who wrote in when this first appeared without a goddamn date.) Come see the high-topped, pouty, eye-rolling, whatever-saying, fist-clenching stars of KGK2 and McKai's other films, including Justine Joli, Deja Daire, Zoe Matthews, Jezabelle Bond, Jade Starr, and Yumy at Il Corral, located at 664 N. Heliotrope (behind Mondo Video, just south of Melrose). That's right: HELIOTROPE. Not SUNSET, HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, or MY ASS. That is why I will be there, just up the road from Sacred Fools Theatre. KGK2 will be screened, refreshments will be served until they run out, IDs will be checked at the door, DJs will communicate to the masses, and doors will open at 9:30. ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
JimmyD tells me it's all been a horrible lie
 In the tight brotherhood of pornbloggeurs (we all live in the same house - last week Lurk Ford brought home a Slurpee machine in his van that some 7-11 owner had thrown out. He and Mike South have been tinkering with it for a while and I'm hoping it'll be ready by the time Pamela Peaks comes over) sometimes we hit depressive patches, like freshman girls syncopating their menses by the time Thanksgiving break rolls around. It happened to Dcypher and Fayner a little while ago. Now the jocular Jimmy D has wreathed himself in shadow, like darkness issuing out of Mordor. "Comraderie in the jizz biz is an illusion. It only is in effect when it serves the purposes of individuals and companies. For the most part, people don't give a shit about you and you probably don't give a shit about them. You and they merely give a shit about what each of us might mean to each other in terms of achieving our goals, ambitions, and desires. That's not to say there's not exceptions to this, but for the most part, it is what it is and, in your heart-of-hearts, most of you already know this." I'm'a go back to the tobacco lobby where I have real friends. But remember: Gram Gives A Shit™. ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
In the darkness bind them
 All my thought is bent on calling up some hot Black Numenorean chicks and heading down to this event at Zen Sushi in Silverlake. Maybe I'll get someone to go Down on my Barrow Wight.
¶
Monday, July 18, 2005
0 Comments
Links to this post
Nicole Moore goes streaming
 GramPonante.com has unceremoniously fired its BananWatch2K5 editorial team because Steve Banan has started sending press releases to Ponante himself."It's just not working out," Ponante, a Sagittarius, said to the three staffers who provided him with updates from the Steve Banan/Liberty Network mailing list. "I get these press releases on my own now." Industry pioneer Ponante reflected on what the writers would do for a job, reasoning that his own recent purchase of a Hummer 2 might allow him to reflect more easily while picking up runaways at the bus station. "They were good writers," Ponante said, "so it's not like I paid them anything." Banan's introductory press release concerned Banan's wife, the performer Nicole Moore. "Though we have never met," Ponante observed, "I count Ms. Moore one of my dearest friends." Fan-favorite Moore has recently added 12 streaming videos to her site, NicoleMoore.net. "Hi, I'm Nicole Moore, and welcome aboard to my galaxy," fans can actually hear Moore say on her space-themed website. With Ponante's ties to organized crime and Banan's to the realms of space travel, porn, and science, the pair is unstoppable!!!! ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Nicole Moore goes streaming
 GramPonante.com has unceremoniously fired its BananWatch2K5 editorial team because Steve Banan has started sending press releases to Ponante himself. "It's just not working out," Ponante, a Sagittarius, said to the three staffers who provided him with updates from the Steve Banan/Liberty Network mailing list. "I get these press releases on my own now." Industry pioneer Ponante reflected on what the writers would do for a job, reasoning that his own recent purchase of a Hummer 2 might allow him to reflect more easily while picking up runaways at the bus station. "They were good writers," Ponante said, "so it's not like I paid them anything." Banan's introductory press release concerned Banan's wife, the performer Nicole Moore. "Though we have never met," Ponante observed, "I count Ms. Moore one of my dearest friends." Fan-favorite Moore has recently added 12 streaming videos to her site, NicoleMoore.net. "Hi, I'm Nicole Moore, and welcome aboard to my galaxy," fans can actually hear Moore say on her space-themed website. With Ponante's ties to organized crime and Banan's to the realms of space travel, porn, and science, the pair is unstoppable!!!! ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Lot's wife gets an eyeful
 Sin City will release Jim Powers' Sodom in August. I can't really tell what's going on from the cover. Will Hannah Harper be sodomized? Will this movie make America want to be Sodomized all over again? There is a jewel-bedecked Cat People-looking woman behind Hannah Harper. What's going on with her? It also appears that Harper is enmeshed in some cross-linked tendrils of smoke. I don't remember that from the Bible story.Remember how some of Skeeter Kerkove's press releases labeled him "The King of Sodom"? I thought that was pretty heavy. What would Skeeter think of this new Sodom from his (old?) company? If sodomy strictly refers to oral stimulation of the genitals (don't MIND if I DO!) can anyone think of another town or location that lent its name to a set of sexual practices? We all know about Pawtucket (Rhode Island) Spermography, in which I wrote my 10-digit telephone number pretty accurately without a traditional instrument on the back of that woman from the lamp store, but anything else? ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 1 Comments Links to this post
Lot's wife got an eyeful
 Sin City will release Jim Powers' Sodom in August. I can't really tell what's going on from the cover. Will Hannah Harper be sodomized? Will this movie make America want to be Sodomized all over again? There is a jewel-bedecked Cat People-looking woman behind Hannah Harper. What's going on with her? It also appears that Harper is enmeshed in some cross-linked tendrils of smoke. I don't remember that from the Bible story.Remember how some of Skeeter Kerkove's press releases labeled him "The King of Sodom"? I thought that was pretty heavy. What would Skeeter think of this new Sodom from his (old?) company? If sodomy strictly refers to oral stimulation of the genitals (don't MIND if I DO!) can anyone think of another town or location that lent its name to a set of sexual practices? We all know about Pawtucket (Rhode Island) Spermography, in which I wrote my 10-digit telephone number pretty accurately without a traditional instrument on the back of that woman from the lamp store, but anything else? ¶ Monday, July 18, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 15, 2005
KGK2 BYOB
 I don't usually publicize parties because who am I Lauren Tewes? That said, those nice kids behind the Kill Girl Kill family of products, namely Eon McKai, Malachi Ecks, and Sean Carnage and VCA are throwing a BYOB happening to celebrate the release of Kill Girl Kill 2. Monday, July 18. (Thanks to the people who wrote in when this first appeared without a goddamn date.) Come see the high-topped, pouty, eye-rolling, whatever-saying, fist-clenching stars of KGK2 and McKai's other films, including Justine Joli, Deja Daire, Zoe Matthews, Jezabelle Bond, Jade Starr, and Yumy at Il Corral, located at 664 N. Heliotrope (behind Mondo Video, just south of Melrose). That's right: HELIOTROPE. Not SUNSET, HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, or MY ASS. That is why I will be there, just up the road from Sacred Fools Theatre. KGK2 will be screened, refreshments will be served until they run out, IDs will be checked at the door, DJs will communicate to the masses, and doors will open at 9:30. ¶ Friday, July 15, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Jimmy D says it's all been a horrible lie
 In the tight brotherhood of pornbloggeurs (we all live in the same house - last week Lurk Ford brought home a Slurpee machine in his van that some 7-11 owner had thrown out. He and Mike South have been tinkering with it for a while and I'm hoping it'll be ready by the time Pamela Peaks comes over) sometimes we hit depressive patches, like freshman girls syncopating their menses by the time Thanksgiving break rolls around. It happened to Dcypher and Fayner a little while ago. Now the jocular Jimmy D has wreathed himself in shadow, like darkness issuing out of Mordor. "Comraderie in the jizz biz is an illusion. It only is in effect when it serves the purposes of individuals and companies. For the most part, people don't give a shit about you and you probably don't give a shit about them. You and they merely give a shit about what each of us might mean to each other in terms of achieving our goals, ambitions, and desires. That's not to say there's not exceptions to this, but for the most part, it is what it is and, in your heart-of-hearts, most of you already know this." I'm'a go back to the tobacco lobby where I have real friends. But remember: Gram Gives A Shit™. ¶ Friday, July 15, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
In the darkness bind them
 All my thought is bent on calling up some hot Black Numenorean chicks and heading down to this event at Zen Sushi in Silverlake. Maybe I'll get someone to go Down on my Barrow Wight ¶ Friday, July 15, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Ecstasy markets dildos for wizards
 Say what you will about Pope Benedict XVI's indictment of Harry Potter and the Vatican's profiting from sales of the .XXX domain (that last part isn't true, OK?) but the former Cardinal Ratzinger and I both give mad props to Internet gal Private Ivy's signing with Ecstasy (Pyrex isn't for casseroles anymore) Glass. Ivy Faulkner lives in North Carolina but has chosen a font reminiscent of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to hawk her wares. Remember ladies: Ecstasy's products are fused with silver and 24K gold, so it's like you'll have a rapper's tooth up there. Ladies? ¶ Thursday, July 14, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
I am Black And Famous
 1st Strike Entertainment, the urban planning division of Nectar Entertainment, weaves the tale of five ladies who are movin' on up. Directed by Richard De Montfort, Black And Famous is a lawsuit-worthy depiction of my life that might as well have beeen ripped from the very pages of the Ponante family Bible. From the press release: Brett Reez, vice president of sales for Nectar Entertainment, the company that distributes 1st Strike, thinks that an "atmosphere of sophistication" is exactly what the ethnic adult consumer is looking for. Don't you tell me what I'm looking for, cracka! ¶ Thursday, July 14, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Ecstasy Glass markets dildos to wizards
 Say what you will about Pope Benedict XVI's indictment of Harry Potter and the Vatican's profiting from sales of the .XXX domain (that last part isn't true, OK?) but the former Cardinal Ratzinger and I both give mad props to Internet gal Private Ivy's signing with Ecstasy (Pyrex isn't for casseroles anymore) Glass.Ivy Faulkner lives in North Carolina but has chosen a font reminiscent of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to hawk her wares. Remember ladies: Ecstasy's products are fused with silver and 24K gold, so it's like you'll have a rapper's tooth up there. Ladies? ¶ Thursday, July 14, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Porn Star Karaoke: A gathering of heroes
 Last night's two-year anniversary of Porn Star Karaoke was kind of crazy. As America's Only Porn Journalist, however, I chose to remain above the fray. It was reminiscent of what my friend Murray Head told me about international chess match arbitration:"Thank God I'm only watching the game - controlling it." I had to get some money, but before I stopped at the ATM I was confronted by Lurk Ford, who again seemed drunk, slurring his words and weeping uncontrollably. "Lurk, are you drunk?" I asked. He giggled and breathed into my face. I thought: This is the last thing Kitten Natividad ever saw. I told a woman that she looked like she should be painted on an airplane. Later she handed me her cigarette while she disappeared for several minutes into a Maserati. I don't smoke. Gathered around a flaming barrel, trying to keep warm, were Jimmy D, Tim Case, and Harry Weiss. Jimmy D, like Chuck Colson, has apparently found Jesus. Read his site for more information on this. He moves in strange, rarefied circles, that guy. I hadn't seen Harry Weiss since my final week at AVN, hadn't met Tim Case but last week, and had never meet Jimmy D before, except via e-mail. So it was like we were all gathered on the flets of Lothlorien, and I was like, "nice rings, Elf-Lords." Once inside, the usual suspects abounded. There seemed to be a ringer couple, however. I hadn't seen them before, but they were like the guy who wins at three-card-monty in order to drag other people into the game. They seemed like they were trying to act like porn stars but they were a Mentos ad version of porn stars. Hard to explain. The bottom line is the woman stepped on Keiko's foot. "Who is the blonde girl?" Keiko asked, "because I want to bawl her out for breaking my toe." Keiko seemed fine afterword, though, as she made out with various PSK attendees seemingly arbitrarily for cameras. The gang from XBiz was there. I didn't notice them at first because I thought they were all talent, whooping it up and shouting hoarsely. Usually when they venture out as a group they are in high, starched collars and ashamed that their publications cover the adult industry. What made this night different from any other night? Later I was standing next to XBiz rake Martin Murphy as he was propositioned by a tipsy woman. Here is the exact conversation: TW: Your wife wouldn't mind if I sucked your cock? MM: No, but she'd have to be there. TW: She'd probably want to join me? MM: It would take the both of you to accommodate it. I am searching for the word - the Germans probably have one - that describes not recognizing a porn star in person whom one has seen on film or in a magazine. Such was the case with Felicia Fox, who said, "Hi, Gram." "Get away from me!" I cried. Our shared love of Supertramp and White Castle sliders attracts and repels me, as I am fearful of all commitments. On stage were Genesis Skye and Jesse Harnell. Genesis is someone who prompts one to think, She does not have my best interest in mind. It's very exciting. Harnell, who keeps being introduced as "the guy from Survivor," is not listed in any of the 80's band's online biographies. Perhaps he was in a Survivor cover band, like Rising Up with People? I only know that he does/did voices for Animaniacs and Drawn Together and he can sing like Steve Perry and Bruce Dickinson had a chiid who looked like Mott the Hoople married Slash. Sardo's manager Seymour is like Mr. Rourke, if Mr. Rourke drank coffee in the Fantasy Island parking lot out of a brown ceramic cup. nHe knows everybody. "Smiles, everyone - smiles," he says to his henchmen, who say they rarely have to deal with disturbances greater than Robyn Rosenberg's and Lurk Ford's forbidden love. At the end of the evening my new favorite porn star, the Kentish Tia Brodie, was being harangued in the parking lot to show her ass. She thought of England and obliged. As people kept asking, though, getting lower and lower to the ground outside of Von's, she asked, "How far underneath me do you want to get? Jesus!" The answer, as always, is mostly. ¶ Wednesday, July 13, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Porn Star Karaoke: A Gathering of Heroes™
Last night's two-year anniversary of Porn Star Karaoke was kind of crazy. As America's Only Porn Journalist, however, I chose to remain above the fray. It was reminiscent of what my friend Murray Head told me about international chess match arbitration:
"Thank God I'm only watching the game - controlling it."  I had to get some money, but before I stopped at the ATM I was confronted by Lurk Ford, who again seemed drunk, slurring his words and weeping uncontrollably."Lurk, are you drunk?" I asked. He giggled and breathed into my face. I thought: This is the last thing Kitten Natividad ever saw. I told this woman that she looked like she should be painted on an airplane. Later she handed me her cigarette while she disappeared for several minutes into a Maserati. I don't smoke.  Gathered around a flaming barrel, trying to keep warm, were Jimmy D, Tim Case, and Harry Weiss. Jimmy D, like Chuck Colson, has apparently found Jesus. Read his site for more information on this. He moves in strange, rarefied circles, that guy. I hadn't seen Harry Weiss since my final week at AVN, hadn't met Tim Case but last week, and had never meet Jimmy D before, except via e-mail. So it was like we were all gathered on the flets of Lothlorien, and I was like, "nice rings, Elf-Lords." Once inside, the usual suspects abounded. There seemed to be a ringer couple, however. I hadn't seen them before, but they were like the guy who wins at three-card-monty in order to drag other people into the game. They seemed like they were trying to act like porn stars but they were a Mentos ad version of porn stars. Hard to explain. The bottom line is the woman stepped on Keiko's foot. "Who is the blonde girl?" Keiko asked, "because I want to bawl her out for breaking my toe." Keiko seemed fine afterword, though, as she made out with various PSK attendees seemingly arbitrarily for cameras.  The gang from XBiz was there. I didn't notice them at first because I thought they were all talent, whooping it up and shouting hoarsely. Usually when they venture out as a group they are in high, starched collars and ashamed that their publications cover the adult industry. What made this night different from any other night? Later I was standing next to XBiz rake Martin Murphy as he was propositioned by a tipsy woman. Here is the exact conversation: TW: Your wife wouldn't mind if I sucked your cock? MM: No, but she'd have to be there. TW: She'd probably want to join me? MM: It would take the both of you to accommodate it. I am searching for the word - the Germans probably have one - that describes not recognizing a porn star in person whom one has seen on film or in a magazine. Such was the case with Felicia Fox, who said, "Hi, Gram." "Get away from me!" I cried. Our shared love of Supertramp and White Castle sliders attracts and repels me, as I am fearful of all commitments.  On stage were Genesis Skye and Jesse Harnell. Genesis is someone who prompts one to think, She does not have my best interest in mind. It's very exciting. Harnell, who keeps being introduced as "the guy from Survivor," is not listed in any of the 80's band's online biographies. Perhaps he was in a Survivor cover band, like Rising Up with People? I only know that he does/did voices for Animaniacs and Drawn Together and he can sing like Steve Perry and Bruce Dickinson had a chiid who looked like Mott the Hoople married Slash. Sardo's manager Seymour is like Mr. Rourke, if Mr. Rourke drank coffee in the Fantasy Island parking lot out of a brown ceramic cup. nHe knows everybody. "Smiles, everyone - smiles," he says to his henchmen, who say they rarely have to deal with disturbances greater than Robyn Rosenberg's and Lurk Ford's forbidden love.At the end of the evening my new favorite porn star, the Kentish Tia Brodie, was being harangued in the parking lot to show her ass. She thought of England and obliged. As people kept asking, though, getting lower and lower to the ground outside of Von's, she asked, "How far underneath me do you want to get? Jesus!"  The answer, as always, is mostly.
¶
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
0 Comments
Links to this post
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Taylor Wane responds erotically
 Taylor Wane, the governess the young Ponantes never had, has joined with Nasstoys to debut a novelty line."I'm gonna start a war on you man, you diss my motor, laugh at my garms so I'm gonna box you bruv. You're ridin around in your flash Mercedes piss on my manor, BOY! you take 'berties! chirpsin our birds, but you don't belong. Lookin at me from your wine lovin hooter disrespecting us boyz, but WE know where our roots are you fink you're so great and you fink that we're scum. See these shoes? They're genuine Moschinos. Look at what you got on, a pair of crusty beige chinos I got sovereigns bruv, and I'll mash up your face," Wane did not say. Taylor Wane's first item will be the upturned Ass and Pussy, a toy that you can have sex with doggy style. "I am amazed how real it feels and when you spank them, they react just like the real thing jiggling erotically after each smack," she actually said, or her press releases said she said. ¶ Tuesday, July 12, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
You're only as naughty as the available oxygen in the atmosphere
 Doc (of Clinical Sexology) Johnson has released the Naughty Nights package, which gives our women permission to be naughty. "Sometimes women can be pallid, bloodshot, frumpy colloidal lumps," the kindly Doctor explained, using the scientific terminology for someone who just lies there. "The Naughty Nights package gives 'em the juice they need to please us." Each Naughty Nights kit contains a one-size-fits-all leopard print G-string Loin Cloth and blindfold, and a bronze seven-inch vibrator. Also included is a scented candle and a one-ounce bottle of Hot & Sexy Strawberry lubricant, which heats up when mixed with carbon dioxide. "You know how to make carbon dioxide, don't you?" Doc Johnson instructed, whittling vibrators on the front porch of his small-town practice; "you just put your lips together and blow." When it was pointed out to Doc Johnson that some girls could care less about the scented candle and blindfold, preferring to get naughty with a couple of 8-balls and a box of razor blades - at least the girls I know - he looked up from his checkers game and scoffed. "Maybe you city people with your big ideas and fancy PHP coding can't turn a woman on unless you've got two bottles of Jagermeister and half a tiger shark up her parts, but here in the country we like our scented candles just fine." ¶ Tuesday, July 12, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Banan to charge for services
 BananWatch 2K5 stringer Solipsistic iCurve reports that the media powerhouse has issued a No More Mr. Nice Guy directive to all who would try to get something for nothing."Banan Says No More! After officially leaving Banan & Wasserman Publicity in New York City last month, and opening my own company Steve Banan Publicity , I have decided to limit my services to paying customers only! You all know who I am and what I can do. Officially, at this time I represent several individuals and companies in mainstream and the adult industry alike, including Ron Jeremy . Everyday, I receive by either email or telephone, many requests for help and assistance. As much as I would love to help everyone pro bono, unfortunately like everyone else, I have to make a living. My rate for press releases, publicity, and advertising are reasonable. If you are sincere and need help with your company or career contact me via email. Thank You and God Bless, Steve Banan" I admit that I have also officially tried to contact Steve Banan several times, each to no avail. He must have sensed that I, like many porn journalists, officially live in a van and only eat what I can manage to run over. But now my admiration for the legendary Banan is greater than it has ever been, knowing that each press release he and his vaunted Liberty Network send out are crafted with the skill available only with money. As you can see from the picture, Banan can defend his car against tennis balls. Think what he can do for your mainstream or adult career. ¶ Tuesday, July 12, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Shiny shiny, shiny auctions of leather
 As you know, Darklady was Ms. Oregon Leather or some such thing in 2004 (so was I, but the judges did the politically correct thing and disqualified me because "clothing made from human skin" doesn't fit some uptight folks' definition of leather). Anyway, "Darkette", as I call her, has several auctions going at the Fetish Auctioneer with proceeds going to a good cause. (I'm assuming it's not PETA.) ¶ Tuesday, July 12, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, July 11, 2005
The Knights of Ninn
 Like me, you are a huge fan of anything Michael Ninn does. While standing at public urinals, I often think how Ninn would capture my heroic stream on film. Would he light it differently? Speed up the exposure so the master could imbue each of my spirited drops with purpose? Superimpose a duck so that it would appear as if I were peeing on a duck? You know, a richly erotic duck?As the media juggernaut continues for Catherine, Ninn's scribes, writing from within the walls of a 13th century abbey where they spend hours illuminating the man's vision, sent this along to herald the completion of a trailer: "No director can honestly say how the public will ultimately respond to their art, but the good ones remain true to their vision regardless of the critical consequences." While it is not clear if the first sentence refers to the director's art or the public's art (like that great mural of Schwarzenegger near the Barham exit of the 101), the second sentence validates what a grateful world has known for years: Michael Ninn has been making and remaking the same pretentious porn film for the past decade, and he will as long as people continue giving him money to do so. Pictured: a Catherine production assistant sips a drink and ponders Ninn, the equipment he uses to prove he's not just any porn director, and Ninn some more. ¶ Monday, July 11, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Kill Girl Kill 2 - update
 VCA is releasing pal and college residence advisor Eon McKai's Kill Girl Kill 2 next week, featuring Justine Joli, Yumy, Jezebelle Bond, and Zoe Matthews, all looking delightfully sullen and nowhere near happy-go-lucky, like non-chain coffee store employees who want you to go away and die. Producer Malachi Ecks told me that the success of Kill Girl Kill has changed his lifestyle, to the point that his porn alter-ego is having more fun than his mainstream identity (FOX News journalist Greta von Susternen). "Malachi humps my girl in the butt, he eats my food, he dislikes cheesy (dairy or otherwise) parties, and he rides my bicycle around. He's also the breadwinner at this point, so I can just hang out. I guess it's a 60/40 split." McKai said his alter-ego saturation is about 30 percent, and thinks the sequel takes a few steps away from its predecessor. "The opening credits have cool drawings from Gea and I’m going to hell for the opening scene," he said. "Really I am. Also I’m back with a Girl/Girl scene that shocked me how slick and hot it looks. KGK2 is a better looking movie, with even hotter sex. I’m learning more and more with each movie." ¶ Monday, July 11, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, July 08, 2005
Sex Search builds database, marketing team
LOS ANGELES -- Ross Horwitz is the new marketing director of Sex Search, which just opened near Sunset Blvd’s Crossroads of the World.
The LA office is a satellite office. The owner, Damien Cross, grew up in Los Angeles but started the business in Toronto, where 120 employees remain, Horwitz told me. SexSearch’s database has grown to 3.5 million people. The service was name-checked on Howard Stern’s show recently by Heidi Fleiss and Dennis Hof. (This was the same episode where Tom Sizemore called in to taunt former girlfriend Fleiss that he was wooing Vivid Girl Lanny Barbie, though Barbie had just gotten married.) Also in the offices on Sunset is OrgasmCash, a paysite program which Damien Cross owns with a partner. Ross Horwitz said he is creating several new SexSearch.com banners for its advertisers, partners, and affiliates. “The image of the fat sweaty guy jerking off to his computer might not really represent our demographic, though it is funny,” he said, commenting on a Sex Search banner currently visible on sites like XBiz.com. See also: Sex Search Labels: sex search, xbiz stories ¶ Friday, July 08, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
"I will make you richer than God, Gram"
 ...says yet another upstart adult web proselytizer, Sam Sugar of SugarBank. He has a wonderful "...as I was saying" vibe going on, so common and endearing to members of the adult industry. Also, he called me GREG in his "please link to me" e-mail. GREG? Regardless, he has excellent graphics and a pleasant set of fonts. ¶ Friday, July 08, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Well, you'd better believe it
 As George W. Bush says, "Fool me once: shame - shame on ... fool me twice - well, We Won't Get Fooled Again." That is why I doubt the veracity of Digital Sin's newest, I Can't Believe I Took the Whole Thing #2, featuring Courtney Cummz, who features not one but five porn tropes in (hopefully) someone else's choice for porn name:1. Alliteration (see Jenna Jameson, Felicia Fox, Brianna Banks, Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz) 2. Useless extra consonants (see Lisa Sparxxx, Maxxx Beaver, Mari Possa) 3. It's a really dumb name (see Nautica Binx) 4. Deliberate misspelling (see Rayvenness, Kiki D'aire, Krispy Kreme) 5. A Z that acts like an S and makes the last name sound like a verb (I can't think of any because it's late, but how about Gloria Garglez?) Anyway, what I can't understand is if these ladies had one movie's preparation for how their predecessors couldn't believe they took the whole thing, why would it be such a surprise when the sequel came out? I think, perhaps, to keep the mystery alive, porn's crack society of casting agents agreed to not tell the talent the name of the movie they were to be performing in, otherwise the girls would be clued in that something big was going to happen in a place that should be small. ¶ Friday, July 08, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Ashley Blue to give me her car
 Having only met Ashley Blue once, I was surprised when she didn't ring me up yesterday to offer me the new Jaguar purchased for her by JM Productions, purveyor of wonderful/horrible things being done to people.Blue, director of the Girlvert and Lesbian Bukkake series, recently re-upped her contract with JM for another year. An ardent advocate of green technology, Blue has been developing a solar-powered hovercraft with Bell Labs and Pasadena's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. "The fuck do I need with a Jaguar, Ashley Blue?" I scoffed, trying to distinguish her from the Ozark Mountain Daredevils song of a similar name. "It will keep you from boosting Lexington Steele's H2 when he's at the Koo Koo Roo," she didn't say. ¶ Friday, July 08, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Get off of my lawn, you handjobs!
 It is a bold move for Defiance Films to release a teen handjobs title. Those goddamn teens can't even keep my hedges uncluttered with their clove cigarettes or my car washed - how can I expect them to jerk me off? Seriously. All those teens do is talk on the phone and leave the cap off the Sunny DeLite. Can one really depend on them to coax a load from my discriminating Gram Hammer? Defiance, based in Calabasas (Spanish for pumpkins - how have I had this website for seven months and not had the opportunity to say this? It is a puzzlement), is betting big on Taylor Rain and her various handjob antics with other "teen"s. "With teens and handjobs, we have a built-in audience," Defiance's Keith O'Connor told me. "We've got a bunch of pre-orders for these titles." I don't know...the last time one of those teens gave me money in a liquor store parking lot to buy her some Peppermint Schnapps, I was, like, totally embarrassed when I got to the counter and discovered it was all Canadian coins and stuff. Law-abiding Defiance Films, in association with MADD, says: You should have asked for the handjob instead. ¶ Thursday, July 07, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
My beautiful Laundrea
It was Defiance Films night at Porn Star Karaoke, meaning I was drinking Yukon Jack instead of my usual Jagermeister. Defiance Films is going to release a Taylor Rain joint called Ski, Bitches! which is a handjob film that simulates skiing conditions except with handjobs. I guess you'll have to see it.
 This woman's name is Laundrea. I don't know who she is or what she does (well, I assume I know what she does). But what is most important is that her name is Laundrea. Sardo's, like Nick's Place in Pottersville, serves hard drinks for guys who want to get drunk fast, and it doesn't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Despite this, both Robyn Rosenberg and her quarry, Lurk Ford, checked in constantly to inform me of the other's whereabouts. "I am not Self-Hating Lew's keeper," I said.  Wankus and Tim Case performed an excellent rendition of Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills, detailing the plight of my Navajo forebears. Proving that porn world feuds aren't real, Tim and Wankus, who are in a public debate over what does or does not constitute being a suitcase pimp, harmonized exquisitely.Wankus says he is not a suitcase pimp because he maintains he does not make money off his significant other, Tyla Faith (kid). Tim Case, who is paired with Felicia Fox, might argue that everyone attached to a porn star is a suitcase pimp. What everyone agrees on is that, if you are a male and are dating or married to a porn star, you need to get a goatee. Facial hair is important because it sops up the dignity. (Oh Jesus I'm just kidding.)  Porn star Kelly Erickson, pictured here with her valet Jeanette, makes me want to take up smoking again and re-open my account at Bank of America.While Bank of America charges usurious fees and is the number one target for ATM scams, it does have the most ATMs in Southern California, one of which Kelly Erickson stands in front of, freely dispensing cash to me. "I once saw the Museum of Spam when I was dancing in Austin, Minnesota," she said. "I will think about that as I drive home," I replied, stroking the place my goatee had been. ¶ Wednesday, July 06, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Miss Vicki Nicole
 When asked his five-year-plan for adult industry domination, porn visionary Gram Ponante paused, his salad fork pronged through with wholesome, corn-fed starlets at his Malibu beach/ranch, executed a breath of fire™, and said:"Big black asses." That is why today GramPonante.com introduces you to Vicki Nicole. "Peep inside my brain," says the plus-sized dynamo on her website, The Vicki Nicole Show. The September, 2005 cover model of Big Black Butt magazine (I guess I should have figured there would be a magazine along with the zeppelin, island, and cruise line) offers pictures from her childhood, a mambership area, and an e-shoppe where fans can order anything from a dinner date to two pairs of worn panties. "You go, girl!" Ponante said from atop a worn pair of panties, looking out to sea. Nicole began work with the adult industry as Kendra Jade's webmistress but is now trying to make her own name in a business dominated by Size 2 women. "I realize it’s an uphill battle but I’m the perfect BBW sex freak to take on the challenge,” Nicole said. Nicole would like to work with GramPonante.com spiritual advisor Nick Manning. Ponante, putting the finishing touches on his casino in space, called Nicole a dear friend. "Myself, I'm a BBQ sex freak," he said, eating trendy space food with Our Lord Jesus Christ. ¶ Wednesday, July 06, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
GramPonante.com Exclusive!!!!!!!
Bad Ass Frank announces No-Pee Compliance Tools
 GramPonante.com has learned that Bad Ass Frank of BadAssModels doesn't pee on his talent."With all the rhubarb about complying with standards, it is important that industry professionals step forward to say they're A-OK with everything," noted Ponante, quoting himself and typing at the same time. "From 2257 adherence to scraping every last bit of hardened food off your plate, your immediate denial is the only way I won't assume you're already guilty," the tireless ethics watchdog declared. Ponante had observed that BadAssModels' Hailey Young, pictured, and recent signatory Melaya had an element of mobile home oakiness about them, and mentioned as much to Bad Ass Frank, adding that Max Hardcore usually goes for the same type, albeit younger and Nazgul-thin. "But," Bad Ass Frank replied, "I don't pee on my girls." Other industry leaders quickly stepped forward to announce their own moritoriums on urination or outright cessation of the practice, labeled "rumming" in the industry. "From now on, I only piss in the sink," Extreme Associates' Rob Black did not say. ¶ Wednesday, July 06, 2005 0 Comments Links to this post
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
She just lies there
 My new best friend at Fleshbot sent me this Flash game, perfectly mixing elements of Anne Heche with an ex-girlfriend from Brown University.
¶
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
0 Comments
Links to this post
|
July 2002 December 2002 January 2003 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement This Website fully complies with 18 U.S.C. 2256 and 2257 and the regulations promulgated thereunder. The owners and operators of this Website are secondary producers and are not the primary producer (as defined in 18 U.S.C. 2257) of any of the visual content contained in this Website. All models, actors, actresses and other persons that appear in any visual depiction of actual or simulated sexually explicit conduct appearing or otherwise contained in this Website were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions. All other pictures, graphics, videos or other visual media displayed on this Website are exempt from the provision of 18 U.S.C. 2257 (a) through (c) and 28 C.F.R. 75 because the pictures, graphics, videos or other visual media: (1) do not consist of depictions of sexually explicit conduct, but are merely depictions of non-sexually explicit nudity, (2) contains only visual depictions of actual sexually explicit conduct made before July 3, 1995, or is produced, manufactured, published, duplicated, reproduced, or reissued before July 3, 1995; (3) contains only visual depictions of simulated sexually explicit conduct; (4) contains some combination of visual depictions described in (2) and (3) above; (5) have been certified by its primary producer to the operators of this Website (as secondary producers) to satisfy the standards under (2) through (4) above. |
