| --Tuesday, January 25, 2005--
Nothing New Under the Sun
Have you ever thought of something so brilliant that your head exploded, only to find that several thousand people had thought of it before? Porn is such a think tank that this happens all the time.
"Asscapades," I thought. "What a good name for a series."
"Asscapades" yielded 7,740 hits on Google. Clever, clever fuckers.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, January 24, 2005--
You've Got Ass
 And so does she. In fact, she's got ass enough for a third helping for your healthy ass appetite. If I were President (and I am), I would promise a chicken in every pot and at least three servings of ass. That's Gram Ponante's America.
That said, "an important figure in the history of Black adult video", Alexander DeVoe, brings us She Got Ass 3. Mr. DeVoe knows that ass connoisseurs are a rare breed, but he maintains that "(this) high-quality hardcore consistent with each of my productions ... will also make casual fans of porno take notice of She Got Ass 3."
Did you hear that, casual porno fans??? Is DeVoe saying you are not a real porno fan if you don't sit up and beg for a nice slab of ASS? I think he is.
And he's right. You're pathetic if you don't have ass on your mind all day long. And the next time you're fucking someone in the ass, you'd better be thinking about the next six asses down the road.
Mr. DeVoe continues, "I try with each volume to include a variety of asses. As (a) real lover of ass myself, I personally pick the girls who are featured in each volume of She Got Ass. I think my fans and fans of this series will see the girls I've selected for the third volume have some beautiful butts, gape like a tunnel and love to take dick up their ass."
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, January 20, 2005--
Super Whores, Crazy Girls
 When I was fresh off the bus here in Los Angeles, I was powerful homesick. That is why, when I saw a business called Crazy Girls on La Brea, I went right in. "Maybe I'll meet someone like my girlfriend from Brandeis," I thought.
But I soon found out that the Crazy Girls weren't actually crazy. In fact, they were unsettlingly sane. "We like to sell fantasies," one said, swallowing some gum and hitting me up for a hundred bucks.
"Los Angeles is the god-damnedest woman I ever saw," I said.
Anyway, the gang down at HentaiPR sends word that Mercenary Pictures has released SuperWhores 4. It will be up to the viewer to determine if these whores actually have super powers, and if the dramas unfolding in the first three editions of SuperWhores find any resolution.
Mario Rossi takes the con for SuperWhores 4. Mercenray head Lexington Steele, who directed the first three installments, will return as a performer, along with Austin, Sophia, Lori Alexia, Jayna Oso, Rhiannon Bray, Kianna, Michelle Lay, Mandy Bright. John West, Frank Gunn, and Rossi himself.
"SuperWhores 4 isn't something for the faint of heart," Steele says. "These are experienced performers doing hardcore in the only way they know how: hot and nasty."
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, January 19, 2005--
The Bad Lieu Tenant
David Aaron Clark, the smartest guy in porn and chronicler of dirty girls from the Mysterious East, sends news of a ripoff at the hands of a starlet and her diminutive suitcase pimp.
Jade Lieu (far left - she even stole my real name for her porn name) and her husband, the Mancunian Steven Leeds (yes, I just wanted to fucking write "Mancunian") stayed at Clark's place before and after the AVN Expo, which they attended on Madness Pictures' dime. After they left the Valley the other morning, Clark woke to find his shoot's master tapes and half of the accompanying documentation missing from his desk. Clark claims Lieu had also kept wardrobe loaned to her and had a history of not signing releases.
You'd think that, to serve the narrative, Lieu would be the one in the picture wearing the stolen clothes, rather than Marilyn Manson.
Lieu and her husband also "ripped off several small producers Jade had contacted on her own," Clark writes.
That the evidence points to deceit and theft isn't a surprise in Porn Valley, but veteran Clark's surprise at this indicates such behavior isn't the norm, either.
"I am not the only one they have ripped off -- I'm just the one they did it to most spectacularly," Clark says, "(Lieu and Leeds showed) a completely sociopathic response to the generosity and kindness shown them by (Serious Mirror Productions partner) Brian Surewood and myself."
The master tapes had already been digitized for editing, and copies had been filed with Clark's distributor, so the disappearance of the source material qualifies as disheartening rather than catastrophic.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, January 18, 2005--
Kiddie Scissor Class
 Jeez. Here we were talking about rights to your own name when the Erstwhile Stephen Ochs writes to say that he's selling his Tera Patrick blow-up doll, signed by many of porn's finest.
Ebay link here.
This is the pre-giganticized Tera (though you can inflate her to whichever proportions suit you) and the pre-Digital Playground Fallout Tera. Look into her eyes, won't you? Does she know what's about to happen, the former Linda Ann Hopkins?
"You know the thing about a shark, he's got...lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces." - Quint.
posted by Gram the Man
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Bigger Pimpin'
Escort manager Joe "José" Pusher has moxie. That is why he is leaving the call-girl business and moving up to the sophisticated world of adult star management.
Pusher is the noted director of José Pusher's Pimping Adventures, distributed by Black Widow Releasing.
Pusher's startup, Exclusive Talent, has two clients, Jackie Diaz (pictured - she's also worked for Anabolic, Mercenary, and Red Light District) and Kathleen, whom Pusher describes as having "that nice, tight body that all the gonzo companies are looking for."
All the gonzo companies and me, Mr. Pusher; I must have had six hams over MLK Day weekend.
Though Pusher is hanging up his pimp boots, he hasn't forgotten his pimp roots.
"Pussy always sells," he says. "Doesn't matter how you package it, it'll sell. I'm interested in companies being happy with my talent, because that means my girls are making money. If my girls are making money that means I'm making money."
God Bless You, Joe "José" Pusher.
posted by Gram the Man
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Trial Balloons
When I worked at the Monthly Porn Shopper, I would receive hundreds of press releases a week. Depending on whose business we needed, I would endeavor to publish the gist by editing them to within an inch of their lives. That no one cared if they were edited or not was lost on me, as I was a starry-eyed dreamer from Banff.
Publicists are paid by the piece or are on retainer, so sometimes their press releases reflect a slow news week. That a "noted" director (I always loved that one) was signing at a certain booth or that so-and-so was feature-dancing in Cleveland always paled in comparison to, say, "Dolorian Grows Second Ass".
Anyway, this beta-version of GramPonante.com you are reading is hardly on the radar, so I have the luxury of reading every press release, no matter how inconsequential. Here's a little story I like to call:
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, January 17, 2005--
Steele to Domain Hijackers: You Get Squat
 In a victory sure to encourage Tod Hunter and the adult actress Starwars.com, Mercenary Pictures Performer/Producer/Director Lexington Steele has won back his eponymous domain from cybersquatters.
Russian Communications used Steele's picture on the site LexingtonSteele.com, which then sold other products. "I am sure people mistook this for my official website," Steele said in a press release from HentaiPR.
Steele made do with lexsteele.com and lexonblondes.com in the interim, and both serve as his online presence.
"I have been trying to get the domain back for years," he said.
Steele enlisted the help of San Francisco attorney Holly Pranger, who suggested filing a domain dispute with the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names And Numbers (ICANN). The case was then submitted to the National Arbitration Forum. The ICANN route involved less up-front expense than a federal lawsuit, though a win with the feds would allow for restitution of legal fees.
An Atrocity, You Say
Pranger noted that squatting on porn stars' domains is common. "It is an atrocity that these porn squatters wrongfully profit ... they should be stopped."
Now the Holocaust - that was an atrocity. But we get your point; what do we own if not our names?
Steele is a three-time AVN Male Performer of the Year, and Mercenary recently won Best Ethnic Series at the VIBE Awards of Porn for Black Reign.
Are you a porn luminary whose name is being squatted on by Russian Communications or others? Drop me a line via the Contact page.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, January 14, 2005--
The DOJ satellite that hovers not thirty feet above Gram Ponante Towers is one thing, but this report that the Pentagon considered a sex bomb is quite another. In short, the Pentagon looked into the development of weapons that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistable to each other. Nothing like levelling the playing field.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, January 11, 2005--
Why was Bridgette Kerkove not called?
 Indians protested that an Indian actor, not Ben Kingsley, should play Gandhi. Iranians protested when he played one of them in House of Sand And Fog. Eurasians decried the casting of Jonathan Pryce in Miss Saigon.
Where is the porn lobby when a civilian gets cast in a role tailor-made for one of our own? Where is Bill Margold? Where is the AVN Foundation?
Here is a story about the Hardee's/Carl's Jr. Fisting Girl commercial.
Gonzalez: Attorney General Nominee - Mark Kernes always writes a good headline.
Sorry about PurePlay, Carly: your own shingle is the shiniest one.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Friday, January 07, 2005--
Random Bits from the AEE Convention Flo'
 (But first, the erstwhile Stephen Ochs forwarded this from The Weekly World News.)
This is not Robert Urich's Vega$. For one thing, there's snow on the ground. One heretofore surefire cure for Vegas Cough, that respiratory condition you get about two hours after landing at McCarron, is to get out of the casino and breathe. As Chloe said at the KSEX booth, "Don't even think about going anywhere." If the precipitation keeps up, the Sands is going to look like the Overlook by the end of the weekend.
John "Buttman" (equal emphasis on each syllable, not like "Herman", and not to be confused with Seymore Butts, and while we're at it, they might take my Vibe Award away for being so reductive, but the tubby Dr. Dre of Yo! MTV Raps fame is not the same as the one who declared this the millennium of Aftermath - way before he met Mr. Gram Ponante, who's got dibs on the next thousand years. Peace to Drizze - how could a brother know?) Stagliano says that the no-nudity cabaret version of his instant porn classic Fashionistas will stay on the Strip until it starts to make money. Mr. Stagliano, I was born in Las Vegas. Naked. That's the way you have to do things here. He also mentions that he only did porn to have enough money to do a dance show. Buttman, you have stolen my dreams.
AVN, community pillar and noble sponsor of the AVN Foundation, notes, "The bevy of sights and sounds on Day 1 was almost overwhelming." Stick to it, AVN! You'll come out OK!
What's with the Olsen Twins 'do, Jesse Jane?
People are passing out fake invitations (Tod spotted some for the Pure Play party) like brown acid at Woodstock. Now that AVN has started a foundation, for Christ's sake, can't people follow their lead and be honest like them? I learned at my first porn convention to be wary of parties that had invitations and guest lists: the best thing to do is CREATE A DIVERSION or say you're the sommalier. I always say I'm Vince Neil.
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, January 05, 2005--
 "Swallow."
posted by Gram the Man
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--Saturday, January 01, 2005--
The Year Is One
 After vacuuming up the pine needles and sitting down to some hot cider, my family likes to embrace the new year with optimism. Accordingly, I'll leave you with some dialogue from one of the many inspirational titles in our library.
"God is dead! Satan lives! The year is One, the year is One! God is dead! Hail, Satan!"
Here at Gram Ponante Towers, we wish you a great 2005, milk or no milk.
posted by Gram the Man
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Wood problems
 Here in the libraries of Gram Ponante Towers, the ratio of things we write about to the amount of information coming in is about 1:8. Posting every press release, rumor, contract star hijink, and multi-hundred dollar deal signing would make the casual reader (I'm not saying there is anything "casual" about Gramponante.com readers; they are all intense, hypersexual, and electrifying) that Porn Valley is just like anywhere else, rather than a magic candyland of lubes and jellies and people blowing me.
So I might go on a set and not write about it if there's nothing interesting to say, or someone might tell me something interesting that I'll choose not to print so that the delicate order of the porn world - and, indeed, America - mightn't topple utterly.
But a little while ago I was on a set and saw wood problems for the first time, and watched as the talent and crew dealt with them.
If there's 50 scenes being shot in Porn Valley in one day, an informal survey (just like AVN's sales and rental charts, we like to keep our surveys informal around here) revealed that at least ten percent of those might be hindered by wood issues.
I remember seeing a re-run of M*A*S*H as a kid. I watched that show a lot. I still don't know why. Everything went bad when Henry died. Anyway, there was an episode where Hawkeye couldn't score, and it freaked him out. "I just couldn't," he said.
I didn't know what that meant, and I wasn't about to ask anybody. But because I didn't understand it, I remembered it, in the same way I will remember the election results of the past several years on a statewide and national level.
So as I slinked in the background of the set the other day, and heard the male talent say, "I just can't," and the director say, very gently, "Well, do you think we should call it a day?" and the female talent giggle nervously and run out of the room, saying, "I've gotta pee," I thought, "Maybe I wasted a few gallons of gas in Los Angeles traffic getting here, but I think I'm gonna pass."
This was a gonzo set. There were no production assistants with needles full of sustenance or bags of little blue pills. The female talent, well, didn't seem emotionally accessible enough to foster either intimacy or an erection (I think she ate all the little crackers and drank all the Red Bull, too), and it was the end of a long day. The guy took it in stride.
"Occupational hazard," he said. I get it, too; about a year ago I spilled Jagermeister on my keyboard and had to go to Kinko's to type up a story about Swedish MILF gangbangs.
I know that sometimes wood issues are handled differently. Many people get testy when there's money involved, and it's not like the lighting guy is going to jump in, even though he wants to. But on this set, what so concerned Hawkeye was dealt with gracefully.
The next scene was announced. The talent from the first scene packed up and left. The crew stayed where they were. I put down my notebook and held up my hands like a croupier. The new talent came in. The scene being shot was for an entirely different movie, but they used the same couch. The director said to the female talent, "Now say, 'Put it in my ass.'"
"Put it in my ass," she said.
posted by Gram the Man
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While GramPonante.com is written for a tenth-grade reading level (in some countries), you must be 18 years or older to visit this site. Sorry.
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