Today in gerunds: “Asphyxiating Ariel”

“Educating Rita,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” Eating Raoul,” “Boxing Helena,” Deconstructing Harry,” “Being John Malkovich,” – um – “Romancing the Stone,” “Leaving Las Vegas,” and now “Asphyxiating Ariel.”

Call for suggestions: Presenter etiquette at the XBiz Awards

I will be presenting the Best Actress trophy at this year’s XBiz Awards, but I am unsure of how I should comport myself.

“Vampire Sex Diaries”: Who knew they could write?

Other than Count Chocula, today’s vampires tend to be fiercely attractive, homoerotic, or both. Moreover, because they can’t see their reflections, they are a post-mirror community supremely confident in their good looks.

Preventing “This Ain’t El Topo XXX”

There are several reasons why “El Topo” can’t be a porn parody, chief among them that there are no roles for Kagney Linn Karter

Porn Parodies of the Ancient World: “Connie & Floyd”

There is a reason, and it is not Eon McKai, that porn earned its reputation for horrible production values and lackluster directing.

Chloe James didn’t see me there

As you well know, anyone with labia can pull off a camel toe – it just takes the will – but apparently James can do it really well.

Kayden Kross’s shitload of butt plugs

“That’s a shitload of sex toys you’ve got there. What does this one do?”

“You put it up your ass,” I replied, “twist it, and stimulate your prostate. That’s what the ‘P’ stands for.”

Ryan Keely is almost naked, mostly oiled

Ever the enigma, Keely only gives the appearance of having been nude, and actually travels on a separate plane from her nipples.

“Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin”: It’s about time we got some class around here

“Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin” is a much better franchise reboot than Edward Norton’s “The Incredible Hulk.”

“Pornstar Tweet”: Where the elite meet to beat meat, tweet

Just like “Ginger Lynn’s Token Ring Ethernet Sex Party,” “Pornstar Tweet” seeks to capitalize porntastically on an ephemeral trend.

“Confessions of An Ivy League Pornographer” or: Johnny Can Read, But Is He Happy?

“Confessions of An Ivy League Pornographer” offers expert insight into the garden-level tragedy of porn, as well as the freedom the business allows and the consequences of that freedom.

Here they come, the members of the “Gangbang Squad”

“We’re the wild boys walking down the street,” the B-52’s sang in 1990. “Wild boys and girls going out for a big time – any way we can.”

Today in Porn Swag: “Dirty Deeds” nails Palin

I look forward to watching this movie but, contrary to what you might assume from the boxcover, neither Bree Olson nor Kayden Kross has sex with a horse.

“Matinée”: Going Downstage on Alicia Whitsover

“We shot this movie on location at a real theater in Amsterdam. We have live sex theaters here in the Red Light District, where you see absolutely everything.”

Apple to grateful nation: GramPonante.com available on iPad

The device, which combines the recurring expense of the iPhone without a laptop’s functionality, can be whizzed like a frisbee or, with luck, tucked into the prehensile labia of any of your favorite porn performers.

“Hello Titty 7″: Shame, other things on you

This has led to the further fetishization of shame, as consumers look for performances that appear particularly uncomfortable.

Learning to love your seven-foot penis

By the point one is in a venue that features a seven-foot bucking penis, the spout may as well just shoot hollow-point bullets and be done with it

A BJ for Effort: Fellatio makes the heart grow fonder

If you present a persona that he wants to dive into like a heated swimming pool, Miss X, he will come in your mouth with very little effort on your part.

Asa Akira: Top Drop by any other name

For some, there is a connection between sexuality and shame, and it can be felt on both sides of the relationship. Asa Akira talks about that “What did I just do?” feeling

“Sinner Takes All”: Tera Patrick is Candid, Classy, and Coy

Patrick’s book should not be confused with “Sinner Tells All.” Just because it is unflinching doesn’t mean it scorches the earth. The reader – even if he knows a lot of the story already – goes on the rollercoaster along with Tera, and is as surprised as she is when the twists come.