As America's Beloved Porn Journalist, I pride myself on being above the many temptations this industry regularly throws at its fellowship of media elite.When Digital Playground's contract girls showed up to have pillow fights on the lawn, I shut my door. When Vivid sent the jet by with its hold chock full of doughnuts, I balked. And when JM Productions offered to deploy a reverse bukkake squad for my amusement, I said, "Not in my county" and had the company indicted.
The same went for the relentless press and bribery onslaught of the Britney Rears machine. Each day I would check the pit behind Gram Ponante Towers, Aviary, Helipad, Buffet, Proving Grounds, Wet Bar, and Autoclave, the one I usually use for foam parties, to find it steadily filling with Britney Rears 3 swag.
Then, upon return from my well-deserved vacation (in which I took the cure and swilled nerve tonics), I found yet another box of things. As porn swag goes, much of the contents was immediately useful.
It contained:
- Copy of Britney Rears 3: Britney Gets Shafted
- Disposable cock ring
- Glass Dildo
- Jolly Rancher lollipop
- Press kit with "Britney Rears Times" in a deluxe Hustler folder
- Some kind of purple blowjob helper (artificial flavoring)
- a mini-bar bottle of Krol vodka
- Copy of Britney Rears 2: I Wanna Get Laid, starring the Dick York of Britneys, Jessica Sweet
- Britney Rears 2 All Access Backstage Pass - do you think Jessica Sweeet will still honor it?
- Coffee mug with SugarDVD/Britney Rears 2 on it
- Enough Jasmine Byrne
- Either I need to join the industry as male talent or I need to convince Alana Evans to dump her boyfriend
- I need to get the narrator to provide the outgoing message on my answering machine
- Larry Flynt stole my plane
Previously: Britney Rears not pregnant; Hillary Scott's many faces; It was you all along, Britney
See also: Britney Rears
posted by Gram the Man
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Thursday, September 21, 2006 
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