I drove over the hill from Hollywood to beautiful downtown Burbank for Porn Star Karaoke. Yes, I drive myself. It is my way.My cynical attorney, Wayne Hentai, has taken to calling PSK "Not-So-Porn-Star Karaoke" but this week there were actually porn stars in the persons of Billy Glide, Monica Mayhem, and Angela Stone. Also in attendance were Blumpkin auteurs Oliver Bone and Wendy Clearwater.
"She was holding a camera," Bone said of the Blumpkin shoot, which took place in his Orange County apartment, "I was holding a camera, there was a stationery camera, and we had just had a lot of sake. You can hear us laughing all the way through it."
Bone and I asked various bar patrons if they were familiar with the sexual urban legends depicted in the new Billy Glide series. To my surprise, no one knew what a Dirty Sanchez or Blumpkin was, but one guy at the rail mentioned Hoovering."What is that?" I demanded.
"You're doing your girl doggie-style and then you knock her arms out from under her so her face is flat on the bed, like a vacuum cleaner," he said.
This mortified me, as I had just come from a Wicked party. "That is an abomination," I said. "Samson never did that to Delilah."
I thought about sexual urban legends that did not yet exist.
- There's The Ripley, when you're in zero gravity and you jerk off by opening and closing the airlock
- The Cthulhu, in which cunnilingus resembles less a consensual act between adults than it does a tentacled being from beyond our concept of geometry that devours and never stops devouring
- The Alpha 15, in which you feel nothing but sadness
- The McGreevy, where you blackmail your partner after sex (requires Turnpike-adjacent residency)
- The Galactica, in which you impregnate someone who doesn't know she's a robot
- and The POV, in which you spend less to have sex with a porn performer while holding a camera with no batteries in it than you would getting a hooker
Afterward, I arm-wrestled Bone for the bar tab, which was high. I paid nothing. I'm hoping I can get in on a Galactica, or at least a Cthulhu, for the website.Previously: It's the Great Blumpkin, Billy Glide; Erotica L.A. in review; Billy Glide will beat you up after school
See also: Billy Glide
posted by Gram the Man
at
Wednesday, September 27, 2006 
Oliver
Yet to be defined:
the "Dewey Defeats Truman"
the "Miscalculation of Pi" and
the "Out of Court Settlement"
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