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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Skater Bloody Skater
 With DVD sales dwindling across the industry, now more than ever companies are vying for the elusive Satanist dollar."Useless prayers of lies/Behold Satan's rise," intoned Vivid-steve dark overlord Eon Azagthoth McKai as he greeted guests at Hollywood's Beauty Bar. The occasion was the release of Skater Girl Fever, featuring Devil's concubines Kimberly Kane and Charlotte Stokely. While it is well-known the adult business owes its allegiance equally to Satan and the Gambino family, never before has a company made such a naked attempt to ingratiate itself to the followers of Lucifer. "People who come with skate gear or who come dressed in Satanic regalia will get a free copy of Skater Girl Fever which, when played on a VCR, spells Satan Girl Fever of Eternal Torment," McKai said, drinking from a goblet of Suicide Girl blood.  Fittingly, newly-baptized ClubSatan director DCypher came dressed as himself and Gia Jordan showed up as Lucifer's Fishwife.Kimberly Kane demonically caused the dark-colored linoleum squares to alternate with the light ones. I asked her why I never saw her in the presence of partner Jack the Zipper.  "He doesn't come out much," she said, which is code for He is Cavorting in the Shadow World with Satan's Imps.I talked with Skater director Dave Naz and the infernal Ashley Blue. Blue and I had the following dialogue from the Roman Catholic Church's Rite of Exorcism:  Blue: Do you like martinis?PentaGram: Yes. Blue: Would you like a martini? PentaGram: Yes, but I will not have one. I'm not drinking. Blue: You've seen me, but I haven't seen you. PentaGram: Au contraire. I am PentaGram Ponante. We concluded with a reverse bukkake. Naz explained he had never read a porn script before writing his own. "Heretic!" I screamed. "I cast you out!" Vena Virago's consort Trevor, celebrating his 13th anniversary in Los Angeles, won the Anton Szandor LaVey lookalike contest.  So blasphemous were Charlotte Stokely and Malachi Ecks that their images could not appear on film. Stokely's visage in the Skater Girl Fever poster has driven viewers to gibbering madness."Vivid-steve is available to everyone," McKai explained. "Especially the damned. The kids really like Satan these days." The ground below the Beauty Bar was scheduled to open up at 11 p.m. so I headed out to carve eldritch symbols in my skin. On the way I encountered Michelle Aston, Dominatrix, who had done so already.  "Lick the jukebox!" I commanded.Outside, Alice Suicide read from a Necronomicon ringbinder as revelers writhed ritualistically on Cahuenga Blvd., spraying their spendings on the Karma Coffeehouse, which is owned jointly by Emerson College and the estate of Aleister Crowley.  "Won't you ride my white horse?" she wailed."Whatevs," I said. "Just don't ask me what Alt means." I asked McKai if the company's renewed commitment to Satanism had resulted in any other business deals. "We're giving Tom Cruise and Paula Wagner a wing over at Pulse," he said. "Our contracts are shorter than the Scientologists'." Previously: Bad Ass Girls' Club; Erotica L.A. in review; What Larry Flynt is up to; ReBelle Rousers on location See also: Vivid-steve ¶ Wednesday, August 23, 2006  
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