The Ass Sticker: What people who work in porn marketing talk about
Hello, lovers. My name is Charges, and I'll be posting random stories about the other side of Porn Valley until Gram returns, angry and regretting his invitation to allow ladies like me access to his towers and aviaries.
By day, I work for an Adult company called Sexyland. By night, I ride Rollertrain, where you can (sometimes) read about what it's like to work in porn marketing. It's pretty much the same thing as working in mainstream advertising: Both are entirely filled with fucked-up assholes.
Sexyland is a building that looks like any other building in any other Tech Center in any city. There is nothing to distinguish our headquarters from the surrounding brick and glass offices. So occasionally, some lost delivery man or business person will park in our lot and walk to one of the entrances without a security badge or any idea what's inside.
Like this morning.
Two graphic designers and I were having a smoke out back, around the corner from a security-protected entrance. We saw a business woman in a nice suit get out of her nice car and walk towards the building with a nice brief case in a nice pair of shoes.
Since we were smoking near the back entrance, we assumed this woman knew where she was going. As she walked towards the door, we continued a typical conversation about marketing materials: Three flyers advertising porn videos, and a printed sticker.
Chee, one of the designers, was trying to meet a rushed deadline.
"How's it coming?" I ask.
"Man, fuck it, I'll have the whole thing done at two today," he says, hunching at the shoulders.
Chee is a large dude who looks like a club bouncer. Lil' Tim, the other designer who works in Sexyland's Gay Product division, peers around the corner at the business woman, blowing smoke away from our conversation.
"What's holding you up?" I ask.
"That fucken ass sticker," Chee groans.
"What ass sticker?" Lil' Tim asks.
"It's a sticker for one of these fucken flyers," Chee says, dragging off his cigarette. "I've been trying all morning to design a ass for this fucken sticker and I'm like, how the hell you make a ass? It's pissen me off."
"What kind of ass?" Lil' Tim asks.
"A nice juicy white girl ass, like Racquel Darrian. Damn, that was a fine-ass ass. What happened to that ass?"
"I think she's a mom and a dancer now," I say. "Are you designing the ass by hand or are you using a visual?"
"Man, I don't know what the hell."
"Have you checked the sticker templates?" Lil' Tim asks.
"Naw, man," Chee says, glancing around the corner.
"I think we have some existing ass stickers," Lil' Tim says. "I think maybe the Ethnic Product division made an ass sticker. You might want to have a look."
"You think I can pull that off the server?" Chee asks.
"Should be able to," says Lil' Tim.
Chee looks around the corner again. "Who is that chick?"
I haven't paid attention. I walk around and see the woman staring at the door without a badge. I walk back.
"She doesn't have a badge," I say. Both artists peer around the corner. We continue smoking.
"If you want, I can send you the sticker templates," says Lil' Tim.
"Cool, cool. Is it a black ass?"
"Well, if it was for the ethnic division, it's probably African-American. But you can change its ethnicity in Photoshop. Do you know what skin shade you need?" Lil' Tim asks.
"A white ass, probably," says Chee.
"The gay division might have an ass sticker," Lil' Tim says.
"But that would be a man ass."
"Yes, it would be a man's ass," Lil' Tim smiles.
"We don't want no man ass," says Chee.
Lil' Tim laughs. I toss my cigarette butt in the ashtray and head towards the entrance. As I turn the corner, I run head-on into the business woman. She looks terrified, and doesn't say anything.
"Can I help you?" I ask.
Chee and Lil' Tim turn the corner. The business woman's mouth falls open. "Is this System One Technology?" she squeaks.
"Naw, that's up the road, five builden's down," Chee answers.
The business woman frowns and clenches her head. She coughs up a "Thank you," and walks back to her car. Halfway there, she turns and looks back at us with the profound disapproval typically reserved for parents of pornstars.
"Her ass is turnen' to salt," Chee says, tapping his badge to the sensor and opening the door for everyone.
Ten minutes later, Chee calls my office phone. "I need fucken input," he says.
He's huddled behind his desk like a hulk, giant arms strapping his monitor. "It was a black ass, so I changed it to a white ass and put some bubble ass highlights on it."
I look at his screen. "That's a nice ass sticker," I say.
Hello, lovers. My name is Charges, and I'll be posting random stories about the other side of Porn Valley until Gram returns, angry and regretting his invitation to allow ladies like me access to his towers and aviaries.By day, I work for an Adult company called Sexyland. By night, I ride Rollertrain, where you can (sometimes) read about what it's like to work in porn marketing. It's pretty much the same thing as working in mainstream advertising: Both are entirely filled with fucked-up assholes.
Sexyland is a building that looks like any other building in any other Tech Center in any city. There is nothing to distinguish our headquarters from the surrounding brick and glass offices. So occasionally, some lost delivery man or business person will park in our lot and walk to one of the entrances without a security badge or any idea what's inside.
Like this morning.
Two graphic designers and I were having a smoke out back, around the corner from a security-protected entrance. We saw a business woman in a nice suit get out of her nice car and walk towards the building with a nice brief case in a nice pair of shoes.
Since we were smoking near the back entrance, we assumed this woman knew where she was going. As she walked towards the door, we continued a typical conversation about marketing materials: Three flyers advertising porn videos, and a printed sticker.
Chee, one of the designers, was trying to meet a rushed deadline.
"How's it coming?" I ask.
"Man, fuck it, I'll have the whole thing done at two today," he says, hunching at the shoulders.
Chee is a large dude who looks like a club bouncer. Lil' Tim, the other designer who works in Sexyland's Gay Product division, peers around the corner at the business woman, blowing smoke away from our conversation.
"What's holding you up?" I ask.
"That fucken ass sticker," Chee groans.
"What ass sticker?" Lil' Tim asks.
"It's a sticker for one of these fucken flyers," Chee says, dragging off his cigarette. "I've been trying all morning to design a ass for this fucken sticker and I'm like, how the hell you make a ass? It's pissen me off."
"What kind of ass?" Lil' Tim asks.
"A nice juicy white girl ass, like Racquel Darrian. Damn, that was a fine-ass ass. What happened to that ass?"
"I think she's a mom and a dancer now," I say. "Are you designing the ass by hand or are you using a visual?"
"Man, I don't know what the hell."
"Have you checked the sticker templates?" Lil' Tim asks.
"Naw, man," Chee says, glancing around the corner.
"I think we have some existing ass stickers," Lil' Tim says. "I think maybe the Ethnic Product division made an ass sticker. You might want to have a look."
"You think I can pull that off the server?" Chee asks.
"Should be able to," says Lil' Tim.
Chee looks around the corner again. "Who is that chick?"
I haven't paid attention. I walk around and see the woman staring at the door without a badge. I walk back.
"She doesn't have a badge," I say. Both artists peer around the corner. We continue smoking.
"If you want, I can send you the sticker templates," says Lil' Tim.
"Cool, cool. Is it a black ass?"
"Well, if it was for the ethnic division, it's probably African-American. But you can change its ethnicity in Photoshop. Do you know what skin shade you need?" Lil' Tim asks.
"A white ass, probably," says Chee.
"The gay division might have an ass sticker," Lil' Tim says.
"But that would be a man ass."
"Yes, it would be a man's ass," Lil' Tim smiles.
"We don't want no man ass," says Chee.
Lil' Tim laughs. I toss my cigarette butt in the ashtray and head towards the entrance. As I turn the corner, I run head-on into the business woman. She looks terrified, and doesn't say anything.
"Can I help you?" I ask.
Chee and Lil' Tim turn the corner. The business woman's mouth falls open. "Is this System One Technology?" she squeaks.
"Naw, that's up the road, five builden's down," Chee answers.
The business woman frowns and clenches her head. She coughs up a "Thank you," and walks back to her car. Halfway there, she turns and looks back at us with the profound disapproval typically reserved for parents of pornstars.
"Her ass is turnen' to salt," Chee says, tapping his badge to the sensor and opening the door for everyone.
Ten minutes later, Chee calls my office phone. "I need fucken input," he says.
He's huddled behind his desk like a hulk, giant arms strapping his monitor. "It was a black ass, so I changed it to a white ass and put some bubble ass highlights on it."
I look at his screen. "That's a nice ass sticker," I say.
posted by libby
at
Thursday, August 03, 2006 
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Kami Andrews said...
- the man ass theme has taken over! I thought I broke the whole system earlier!
- Thursday, August 03, 2006
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