The auditorium at L.A. Center Studios smelled a little like old men.
Indeeed, most of the folks in the room for the Free Speech Coalition's Night of the Stars awards ceremony were older men, but I think the smell came from their suits. After all, it was a porn awards show in the middle of the summer - why was everyone wearing suits?
"My father bought me this suit, and my other one," said still-very-young FSC Communications Director Tom Hymes.
The short awards ceremony was hosted by NakedSword's Tim Valenti and Roma of San Francisco drag collective Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Roma's free-wheelin', take-no-prisoners style reminded me of Joan Rivers' before she drove her husband to suicide.
Oh My God! I'm outrageous! Is it possible that I am a drag queen, too?
Valenti and Roma did an admirable job of keeping things going and I think they should host the remainder of this year's 32 adult awards shows. They should also host the Vibe Awards.
The event was preceded by a nice mixer. I was accosted by Stormy Daniels.
"You never come to my sets," she said, having done her homework.
I shamefacedly explained why (it has to do with an ancient feud between our families, and our forbidden love).
I asked what the dynamic was on the sets of the movies she directs. Is it all business? Since she is still a perfomer, does she ever have to give the blowjob equivalent of a line reading?
"Since I still perform, people are a lot more receptive to me as a director," she said. "And for the women, taking direction from a woman makes it a lot easier to swallow."
I'll bet it does, I thought.
"What did you say?" she asked.
Stormy can read my thoughts?
"Yes."
There was a press release a while ago about Stormy signing with a mainstream agent. I'd seen her as The Porn Star in The 40-Year-old Virgin, but I didn't really have a frame of reference other than that character was definitely not the one speaking to me right now.
"I turn down more roles than I take," she said. "There are a lot of women who are my fans and I think I have a responsibility to not just take the roles where I'm stupid or a whore."
She writes her scripts using Final Draft. Can you imagine how many people would buy that expensive watered-down version of Word if Stormy's testimonial was here?
Jill Kelly received a lifetime achievement award, thanking an adult industry Who's Who. She thanked Jim Holliday four times, but also listed Kylie Ireland, Roy Karch, Joy King, the late Cal Jammer, and not ex Jill Kelly Productions principal Bob Friedland. Mr. Marcus, accepting in the actor category next, asked if he could borrow her list.
Michael Brandon accepted the Gay Actor lifetime achievement award (where were the lesbians? - oh, that's right - straight porn girls already provide such an accurate portrayal of actual tribadism and Sapphic glee that there is no need for a separate lesbian category) and Colt's John Rutherford was honored in the Gay Director category.
Earlier in the evening FSC Director Michele Freridge, who is always on point with several substantive soundbites per conversation, told us that pornographers were the "epitome of Americans".
Even I, a First Amendment Patriot, found that difficult to swallow, even with Stormy's help. I would have been content to be called a citizen and taxpayer whose voice was as valid as anyone else's. But everyone knows that it is cattle ranchers and stewardesses, not pornographers, who represent the real America.
Dave Cummings, for his lobbying work as well as his part in the class action suit against the Bush administration for last year's 2257 restrictions scam, received a Hal Freeman "Freedom Isn't Free" award. His acceptance speech was short and forceful. Keep a line between church and state, he suggested, support the troops because they didn't start the war, and vote.
Later I won the "Advertised Open Bar Isn't Free, Either" award as I strolled outside on a patio overlooking downtown L.A. I leaned against a wall and a cigar lady came by. Cigar service is one of the many freedoms I cherish. I leaned on the wall for two more hours, inadvertently tapping ashes onto someone's salad plate in the courtyard below.
"Salad Isn't Free," I said.
On the stairs, I asked XBiz cub reporter Steve Javors how the world was treating him. Earlier this year, Steve sought my counsel and ignored it to his success.
"Did you have fun at the XBiz Forum?" I asked. I'd heard it was very nice but that people would immediately burn into plasma upon setting foot outside any of the Vegas convention areas.
"It was really gratifying," he said. "I felt like I was on Entourage. People were lining up to talk about XBiz and the programs we're pushing forward. We're really doing some exciting stuff."
"I thought you were my friend," I said. "You're talking to me like you run an affiliate program." I felt like I'd been lightly coated with oil.
"It's just that we have this $10,000 advertising contest - " he said.
"Let's get a drink." Well-placed snacks absorbed my tears.
In the end, I met new Shane's World contract star Casey Parker. I hadn't had a chance to say hello to her at her coming out party because she was too busy stamping on my individual freedoms.
But what a nice person. She explained that one of the elements of the party I enjoyed, a holographic image of a swimmer projected into the pool, had been her.
"Wow," I said, and meant it, but couldn't think of anything else. I suppose I could have asked, "So do you like swimming?" and she would have had to reply, "I like all sorts of outdoor sports" because how could she not?
I respected her too much to do that to her, so I said "Wow" again.
Previously: F.A.M.E.; X.R.C.O.; A.V.N.
See also: Free Speech Coalition
posted by Gram the Man
at
Monday, July 17, 2006 
Post a Comment Links to this post:
Create a Link << Home