The Adult Novelty Expo was spread out over two hotels and a tent this year at Universal City. For a trade show featuring dildos and erotic jellies, it seemed subdued and contemplative.I've been to business-2-business shindigs before so I was prepared for a high scumbag quotient, but there were none. I also enjoyed the buffet at the Hilton; the chicken had little vibrators in it.
In the convention area, the booths were spread out in rooms with dark carpeting (Dark Carpet is my new Hairy Vampire niche series, by the way) and people almost seemed to speak in hushed tones. I guess the color of the rug really matters. Both Erotica L.A. and the Adult Entertainment Expo were set up on bright gray carpeting.
I spoke as part of a three-person panel on ways to better market one's sex toys online. The other members of the panel were the delightful Regina Lynn and the demure Joel Tucker from JT's Stockroom.
Gina Lynn and I often echoed each other because we have similar job descriptions. But Tucker talked about his early business ventures as a student at Occidental from 1985-'90 and the BBS (bulletin board system) culture of the time. In the early days of e-mail, he reminded the audience, people needed a reason to have it. They needed to be students or government researchers or in the military, for example. E-mail was not a commercial product. He said that, in such an environment, the community ostracized and punished spammers.
It was not the first time I've wished to go back to 1987. Then I could have dated Jane Wiedlin.
My speech began thusly:
I have never purchased a sex toy, but I've reviewed hundreds of them. It's the same with pornography in general. I went from finding rain-soaked Penthouses behind my junior high school to - several years later - getting hundreds of dollars worth of DVDs in the mail. You know how the press will say the President is out of touch if he doesn't know how much a gallon of milk costs? Well, I'd be a lousy President because I have no idea what people spend on cock rings.One of the people I met after the seminar had worked for Apple for eight years. Now she comes up with innovative uses for vibrators. She encouraged me to write Steve Jobs about my recent PowerBook woes.
"He really reads those e-mails," she said.
"Was it the Intel switch that drove you into the arms of adult novelties?" I wondered.
Stormy Daniels was there. She is following me. I think it's sweet.
We got our picture taken together. I generally don't do the picture with the porn star thing because in general I try to be respectful of the fact that somewhere in the back of their minds they must be saying "not again."
But she explained that she wanted our picture so she could get back at the glamorous but shallow Monstar, who'd had the gall to have a framed photograph of himself with someone other than Stormy on his desk.
"The hurting needs to stop," I said quietly.
Because there were so few porn stars around I was allowed to appreciate anew the hotness of normal people. A woman in fishnets who had nothing to do with porn other than being a fan of it chatted with me for a few minutes about my views on threesomes.
"I don't work with dudes, baby," I said, because she didn't know I was a stone-cold G from the streetz.
There didn't seem to be anything that was out of the ordinary at the convention. Instead, there were many variations on common themes. I did think the Monkey Rocker was a good idea, especially because I think monkeys have been getting a free lunch from the media all these years.
I suggested in my speechlet that companies would do well to offer customization of their products online to make sex toy purchases a more personal experience. I said that I rarely visit adult stores and do most of my shopping online. I said that getting up and walking to a place with doors and a wall was quaint.
"Get a website, you goddamn dildosaurs," I didn't say, because people are sensitive.
I'll be going back tomorrow for a seminar on zoning. That's how I roll.
Previously: Icon to explain dildos
See also: Adult Novelty Expo
posted by Gram the Man
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006 
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