Porn Valley Observed: Home of Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist

A deployment of Marines from the Encino barracks greeted attendees of last night's Porn Star Karaoke. This was odd because, though they were there for the Toys for Tots program (code-named Toys for Twats in honor of the occasion), I had the impression all evening that I was about to get punched in the face, or punch someone in the face. I just kept having conversations like this:

Person A: Wait, wait, wait. Shut up. Listen: Listen: Hold on. Wait.
Me: What were we talking about?
Person A: No. Shut up. Stop bullshitting me. You know. Shut up. Gram. Gram. Gram. Shut up. Have a drink.
Me: OK -
Person A: CHUG IT!!!!

and:

Person B: This is X. I used to fuck her in the bathtub.
Me: She has a great bathtub.

I approached the Buddhist veteran director Roy Karch for some tranquility.

"I'm going to move to Sedona and open a store called Sedonuts," he said, and drifted away. I never saw him again.

Everywhere I looked, there were more Marines. I asked SSgt. Marcus if this was a detail his buddies got for good behavior.

"This is a favorable deployment, Yes," he said. And the Marines had lifted themselves up where they belonged. I mentioned to a Gunnery Sergeant that there was so much Marine-on-Porn Girl frottage going on that Sardo's should be renamed Abu Grab.

"That was the Army, sir," he said.

I talked with newcomer Samantha Reynolds*** (pictured). My astrologer says she'll go far. She hasn't been in any scenes yet but, like many people starting out, she's doing content trades (though she doesn't yet have a website).

I also did content trades when I was just making my name, but they were with Highlights. I really think I got the better end of the deal.

"Gallant douches regularly and always has current tests. Goofus shows up on set with as much meth on board as chlamydia." The dentists' offices where those appeared were always strangely silent.

The evening was sponsored by Billy Glide Productions. I've never met Billy Glide but I think I talked with him on the phone. Things were getting weird.

John West kept hogging the microphone while Cleopatra tried to strip him ("That guy is so musclebound he can hardly move," someone said of West, but I thought they were talking about me, and I bought them a drink by mistake).

Cleopatra is a fireball, and West provided the best entertainment of a very entertaining night, just beating out Wankus' brass-balled serenade to the Marines featuring lyrics like, "You guys suck cock."

Come to think of it, I didn't see Wankus again, either.

***(UPDATE: The reason why Samantha Reynolds doesn't have a website is because she is not actually in the industry. It is always the women who look like they should be in the industry - like the Sardo's waitresses and Kristen - who aren't. This marks the third time this year that I have printed someone else's lie. My sincere apologies.)