Porn Valley Observed: Home of Gram Ponante, America's Beloved Porn Journalist

Despite my reputation as a straight-edge, non-participatory observer of the porn world, oblivious to its feuds and impervious to its temptations (because it's not like one is tempted with blowjobs; one just gets them), I was worried that I might be included in the apocalypse awaiting the adult industry Saturday night at the Undead: Get Out of Bed party.

The event was sponsored by New Sensations' tentpole movie Dark Angels 2: Bloodline. See? I said tentpole.

It seemed an inevitability that the building might be blown up. As it is, high-end players like myself are already sequestered in different bunkers and travel on separate planes. Our being in one building at the same time presented what I thought would be an irresistible target.

But once again the enemies of freedom missed their chance.

"Where's the goddamn Rolls?" Max Hardcore said to an attendant as I walked in. I worried that I might have arrived too late. It was only midnight and I kept meeting people coming in the opposite direction. It turns out that Max just needed to get some stuff in his car. Like you and me, he sometimes forgets stuff in his car. Unlike you and me however, who forget business cards or Kleenex or phones, Hardcore I think misplaced an 18-year-old Ukrainian runaway.

The party was held in a converted airplane hangar that is now being used as a soundstage. I met Eon McKai and Alice Suicide, who were leaving. I asked if there was a reason to go in. "Free drinks," Alice said. "Jeff Mullen," Eon said. He might as well have said "stuffing," because I was stayin'!

I snapped a picture of Alice checking the pressure of a limousine tire. I have a series of Alice in positions of toil because I think when the next Depression hits America will need pictures of strong working women.

No one checked my credentials as I walked in, though security roamed the place freely. Also roaming freely were porn stars who are usually attached to entourages. I bumped into Sunny Lane and Joanna Angel this way. Both come up to my Xiphoid Process.

I did a couple of circuits of the room. Nudity and craziness abounded. I met Kelly X in the hallway. "How do you plan to succeed in the porn business?" I asked. "By any means necessary," she did not say. There was also whimsy. AVN's Mike Ramone came as Rob Halford. I had been thinking about shaving my head, but now I can't. I will have to look like Lemmy Kilmister instead.

I remembered my days as a bouncer/henchman at Death Row Records when DJ Fingaz announced: "New Sensations is in the house, y'all!"

"What will I do with this information?"

Outside, Max Hardcore's date was dancing on top of a Hummer limo. The chauffeur asked her to get down. "I am getting down," she said. "I mean, off the car," he said. She got down. The chauffeur wiped the roof with a paper towel.

I spoke with Memphis Monroe and her partner, Kevin Stich, of the Monroe Modeling Agency. Monroe most recently appeared in Legal Teens: Teens with Tits. I asked if she was from Tennessee, but she isn't. She got her name from Nicolas Cage's character in Gone in 60 Seconds. I didn't get that part, but I got the Monroe part.

"I'm voluptuous," she said. She's from Louisville. We should have talked about juleps and dressage, but we talked about porn instead.

She and Stich manage about 15 women, housing them and driving them around. They don't want the agency to be much bigger, "or we'll lose conact with people," Stich said. According to its website, the Monroe Agency, like Lord Baden-Powell, is "nationally renowned for the pioneer of scouting."

I went back inside and talked with a friend on one of the couches. She said she was leaving the industry after the convention in January. "I'll have just enough money for a down payment on a house and a hair salon" in the Midwest, she said. She said she makes a lot of money doing private shoots and escorting during the convention.

"So if I see you with a guy in Vegas - ?" I asked.

" - he's probably a sales manager without a date," she finished.

"I hope his company would pick up the excort tab, at least," I said.

"No, they usually have to pay themselves," she said, "and that's why I'm leaving."

I had fun at the party. It allowed me to have plenty of conversations like that one. There were places for people to just hang out. It wasn't a clusterfuck (you know, the bad kind). That the stripper stage was surrounded by guys holding up camera phones was an indication that this was not an industry-only event, but at least A Current Affair wasn't there.