| --Thursday, May 08, 2008--
What Porn Is
 I really can't think of a better picture to exemplify today's adult industry than this shot of a classy Florida dude in the back of a van showing us the assets of Meaghan Jones in a movie called Real Roadside Ho's.
The only thing that would have made it better would be a couple of Red Bull cans rolling around the truck bed and half a package of Costco Fleet Enemas.
The closest Costco to Ft. Lauderdale is in neighboring Davie.
For those of you who don't watch a lot of pornography, this picture is the equivalent to the limos high school students rent on their prom night, vomiting out of the moon roof the length of your town's main street, screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.
The important thing to remember is that Jones looks happy.
Previously: A Small gallery of trucks used as coitus surfaces in Hustler videos
See also: New Porn OrderLabels: classy, florida, meaghan jones
posted by Gram the Man
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--Wednesday, May 07, 2008--
Setimo de Maio: Tranny monopoly
 We've seen that Latinas must bear the shame of being called hookers when they are actually escorts, but today we look at an area where Latinas and Latinos have achieved primacy: the world of transsexual porn.
Why is it that Brazilians make up the bulk of the transsexual porn community? I asked International Olympic Committee Chairman Jacques Rogge.
"I don't know," he did not say. "How would I know such a thing?"
"All right," I said. "How come trannies always seem to have tan lines?"
"To make their breasts look bigger?" he didn't suggest.
 Brazilian Carla Renata grunts sweet Portuguese nothings to the be-condomed gentleman in the first scene of Double-D Trannies, holding her flaccid penis like a Capri cigarette.
Watch enough tranny movies and you see a pattern: the trannies themselves rarely get off. You'd never know that the percentage of not getting off is much higher for women in straight porn movies, but with trannies that sort of thing is hard to fake. Or soft to fake.
 Izabelly Ferraz seems to encounter self-doubt at one point in Scene 2. Where her straight counterpart might say, "Aiii!!" this picture captures her saying, "Aiii?"
 In five scenes, only Bianca Andrade and Esmerelda Dias are able to complete the mission. But are they truly happy?
In this movie there is only 40 percent mutual money shots. Can we do better? Si se puede! Or Si nos podemos!
Previously: Industry fearful of Brazil twink dominance; Extremis duae; God Bless the Trannies
See also: Juicy EntertainmentLabels: brazil, latin, minireview, new porn daily, transsexual
posted by Gram the Man
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David Aaron Clark: Pool party auteur
 Director David Aaron Clark has an excellent stills photographer in Glenn Baren, who snapped this shot on the set of (wait for it) No Man's Land Asian Edition 7: Mr. Hentai's Super-Funtime Pool Party, which would win next year's Longest Title award at AVN were it not for Digital Playground's Pirates II, for which that award has already been purchased.
"This is, of course, the Cahiers du Cinema shot of me directing. Jean Luc Broken-down-ol'-hentai, as it were," said Clark. From left to right are Annie Cruz, Destiny, Clark, and Jandi Lin.
I assume there will be no ghostly flashbacks in this movie like there were in the last one; ghosts don't congregate near pools.
Previously: No Man's Land: White Man's Burden; The Bad Lieu Tenant; Jandi Lin: "We can be nerds together"; Matt Zane's immortal soul, irons in the fire; Pegging the man-flower
See also: David Aaron ClarkLabels: "david aaron clark", annie cruz, asian, jandi lin, kyanna lee, set visits
posted by Gram the Man
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Green Porno not Blue Velvet
 Isabella Rosselini has made an instructive pornographic film about the insect world for the Sundance Channel called Green Porno, in which the whimsically batty and charming Blue Velvet and Fearless actress, former Lancome spokesmodel, and daughter of Ingrid Bergman shows you how bees do it (and other bugs, like the Praying Mantis).
At no point does she say "Hit me, Jeffrey," (but she should).
Previously: Bedwetting Puppeteers
See also: Green Porno, Blue Velvet quotesLabels: celebrities, isabella rosselini, science
posted by Gram the Man
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Sunny Lane bares her chess in North Hollywood
 Many people believe that porn is not hard work. "I've seen Behind the Scenes footage," you might say. "They just lie there and send text messages."
While that might be true, there is a lot of work that went into just lying there, including a lot of standing up. If you want to see someone standing up really well you should go see Sunny Lane at the Deja Vu Gentlemen's Establishment in North Hollywood this weekend.
Lane will be appearing at 8, 10, and midnight on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
The porn stars who came from stripping are among the hardest working people in the business; they are almost always on point and know how to hustle. They also have rock-hard calves. I have seen Lane crack mighty and endangered redwoods into kindling with her powerful thighs.
"Tree got in my way," she did not say - but she is that determined.
Previously: Pussy Party 21 caption contest; Sunny Lane on and off the ice
See also: Sunny Lane, Deja VuLabels: events, strippers, sunny lane
posted by Gram the Man
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--Tuesday, May 06, 2008--
Natali Demore demonstrates the difference between dommes and subs
 Natali Demore, right, who will be appearing this weekend at DomCon at the LAX Hilton, shows that dommes don't have to wear clothes at all if they don't choose to, and that they can humiliate their submissives simply by clothing them in useless garments.
You know what's another useless garment? A tie. I see someone wearing a tie, I think: "That guy wants some five-foot-tall domme to smack him with a riding crop." The last time I saw you in a tie, I thought that.
Q. Grams, what is Domcon?
A. Imagine your standard airport hotel with weary travelers arriving at all hours just trying to get some sleep before they are shuttled back to the airport the next morning. You see, their airline bumped them and gave them a night at the hotel and a $20 meal voucher. Now imagine these people co-mingling with an army of leather and PVC-clad submissives (wearing collars) and dommes (dragging collars) on the muted carpeting of the hotel lobby, as each group attempts to fit crumpled dollar bills into the Pepsi machine. That's Domcon.
Demore will be appearing at the Hottbonds booth doing unmentionable things.
Previously: Haley Paige video surfaces posthumously; It takes more than a sexy nurse's outfit and nipple clamps to make an effective universal healthcare program
See also: Natali Demore, Domcon Los AngelesLabels: BDSM, events, fetish, natali demore
posted by Gram the Man
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Seis de Mayo: Shame and redemption
 The first thing one thinks when confronted with Wicked's new Latina Hollywood Hookers is, "Well Duh. You think there's Latina hookers in Glendale? It would be a step up to have Latina hookers in Glendale."
On that subject: Irvine Robbins R.I.P., whose first ice cream store was in Glendale. Mourn ya 'til I join ya (pours Friendly's Fribble on grave).
After the triumph of Cinco de Mayo we are faced with harsh realities: some Latinas turn to prostitution. Luckily the "hookers" of the title are not streetwalkers but classy call girls with phone numbers, credit at a florist, and their own couches.
Demi Delia is the head of this escort agency but, striving to stay close to her roots, also sees select clients. One is Ben English.
 In the first scene, English and Delia offer a valuable service to consumers, providing an example of the small talk and protocol characteristic of a session with an escort: he places the money on the table, she pretends to have missed him since the last time, and then they get down to it.
The only inaccuracy was that they kissed each other. That Wicked requires condoms made for more authenticity. If a hooker does not require a condom, you should run (unless you are only there to strangle her, in which case you should reconsider and go to Baskin Robbins).
 The second scene is even more authentic in its awkwardness. Tommy Gunn forgets to pay Sienna West until she prompts him with something legally innocuous, just in case he is a cop:
"Do you want to take care of business?"
Sienna West utters not one "Ay, Papi" throughout the scene, but she does imply she is a Latina by asking, "So do you like to fuck Latinas?"
 Daisy is a massage therapist in the next scene, and Randy Spears tells her that her "money is over there."
 Nick Manning plays a serial whoremonger in his scene with Cassandra Cruz. She asks if he has seen women from the agency before.
"All of them," he says. "And none of them can keep up with me."
 Finally, Alex Sanders and Dick Delaware sign on for Maya Gates. "You know it will cost you a little more?" asks Delia in the phone interview.
I found this scene the most verdad of all of them. The conversation was stilted and Cruz knew very little English. In fact, it was less like a porn scene and more like a hard-hitting HBO documentary, with poignant human drama everywhere you looked.
 One bit of dialogue I would have liked to see was:
"You sure you're not a cop?"
"You sure you're not Armenian?"
Wicked has done a great public service in releasing this prostitute primer. Still, I can't help thinking that if these women had been white, they would have been called "escorts."
Previously: Hookers And Blow
See also: WickedLabels: daisy marie, demi delia, latin, minireview, new porn daily, Nick Manning, prosties, randy spears, Tommy Gunn, wicked
posted by Gram the Man
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--Monday, May 05, 2008--
Cinco de Mayo: "I'll let you see my bewbs"
 Growing up in my small Zacatecan village, I never thought I would be so assimilated that I would prefer Taco Bell chalupas to the bacon-wrapped hot dogs served from dubious carts on the narrow streets of my childhood.
 That is why I turn to porn for authenticity and have been saving Hustler's Little Latina Cum Queens ("these hot & spicy senoritas love to get covered in cum!") for today, el Cinco de Mayo, since I can't return to mi tio's banana boat and hear the the soft dobro playing of mis abuelas in the shade of the guarana tree, the sounds of revoluccion echoing through the arroyos, the hijos living in fear of la chupacabra, and the vindication of our village when Zorro liberated us from los banditos.
OK, I'm not from Mexico.
 But if I were, I would still wonder why cover girl Renae Cruz says not so much as an "Ay Papi" in this movie and Veronique Vega ("I'll let you see my bewbs") sounds more like a San Fernando Valley girl than an (insert name of valley in Mexico because I'm too lazy to go back to Wikipedia again here) girl. What's worse is that Laurie Vargas subjects herself to the fakest popshot I have ever seen.
 Generalissimo Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin did not defeat the French at Puebla so we could have fake popshots.
Previously: Kayden Kross representing the luchadores; Renae Cruz hedges her bets
See also: HustlerLabels: latin, new porn daily, Renae Cruz, veronique vega
posted by Gram the Man
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XRCO from the outside in
 I have been at the U.N. Conference on Porn, Sex Work, Erotica, and General Waywardness in Trieste this weekend so I did not have the time to write in depth about last week's XRCO awards. Here is the most comprehensive coverage you could ever read.
The Highlands Nightclub in Hollywood has become the de facto adult industry event location in Los Angeles, hosting several events over the past year. There is inexpensive parking, a bank machine two floors down, easy access to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum across the street, and an excellent view of where I interviewed Joey and Evanka Buttafuoco.
 Also, former Digital Playground contract star Adrianna Lynn, now known (again) as Adrenalynn, gave me a visual aid in remembering how to spell her new old name. Adrenalynn is not at liberty to say why her time at Digital Playground was so short and I knew without asking that her reason for leaving involved a lack of access to me.
"It must have been difficult," I said.
"You said it so I won't have to," she said.
Her pose reminded me of this picture of Mika Tan.
The XRCO Awards were one of the first reactions to AVN's yearly adult awards, and are determined by a group of critics from around the world. I am one of the voters but I don't know how they are funded; I only know that they are a very homey awards show that people are nevertheless paying more attention to.
That is not to say people really pay attention at adult awards shows, but this year I checked in about midway through the ceremony and saw that three quarters of the people who were seated at the beginning of the show were seated in the middle. This is a higher percentage than graduation rates in the L.A. Unified School District. It is also better odds than the national divorce rate after five years of marriage, as adult award shows tend to take five years.
 And I'm not saying that I know who won anything, save for Upload, because I saw some Upload people on the stage, Jenna Haze, because she won one of the first awards and I was turned in that direction, and Suze Randall and Shayla Laveaux, who won Hall of Fame awards and I was making my way to the balcony. I also knew that Not the Bradys XXX got Best Porn Comedy because at one point its publicist and director, Jeff Mullen said to me, "Best Porn Comedy two years in a row, huh? Huh?"
 But at no time did I hear the XRCO's genial chairman, Jared Rutter, tell the crowd to shut up, as I've often heard his ousted predecessor, Bill Margold, shriek. The rabble seemed to respect him. So that's something. And when a man can walk into an adult awards show and still see people paying attention 45 minutes into it, well, I'll say the porn business is doing just fine, considering.
 It was important for me to move around because I am like a shark. I need to move or I'll die. I am also like the wind. Also: a lone wolf. By those means I saw much and little. I saw Scott Fayner and thought, Didn't he die? He was sitting with married porn graphic artists Jodie Marie and Dave Goodman. I thought: Didn't I give them the meat hammer? You know, for their wedding? Like in Braveheart?
 I got a grand idea to photograph every porn star I knew with my shot glass of Jagermeister but the project began and ended with Ava Rose.
 Adrianna Nicole refused. I don't know on what grounds. She needs to loosen up more. She needs to know that I won't hurt her. She's so goddamn meek.
I'd been there for three hours when a security guard noticed I didn't have a wristband.
"I just walked in," I told him. We had a conversation in which he repeated everything I'd just said, but changing the pronouns and adding italics and a question mark.
"You just walked in?" he said.
"No one stopped me," I said.
"No one stopped you?" he said.
"I can go get one now," I said, "but I've been here for three hours."
"You've been here for three hours?," etc.
At the front door I told another security guard that I needed a wristband to go back in.
"You need a wristband to go back in?" he said. I'd say the guards were related, but then all security guards look the same to me.
Outside I talked with Ashlynn Brooke, who is from Choctaw, OK.
"I love Oklahoma," she said. "I'd go back and live there if I could. But Tommy loves L.A. too much."
Tommy Gunn and Brooke are dating. I think the world must be peopled.
"Do you cook?" I asked. I don't know why I asked this.
"Oh, yes!" she said. "Chicken fried steak, southern food, fried chicken ... "
"Okra!"
"Yes."
"Do you ever fry anything with another animal, like steak fried steak, or jaguar fried donkey?"
"I could, but I use chicken."
 Veronique Vega came by and I asked them to pose like they were in Gia.
 Then Sophie Dee happened along, barefoot. She posed in a pile of cigarette butts. She has the most beautiful eyes. I imagine her appearing to Mexican children and the community making a statue out of her.
Before I went back in (now that I was legal), I took a picture of Manuel Ferrara, Flower Tucci, Sunny Lane, and John Stagliano. I complimented Ferrara on his diplomatic handling of Robin Leach's photographer at the AVN Awards red carpet.
"I am a very gentle man," he said.
Earlier in the evening Ferrara had walked by my XBiz colleague Joanne "Cha Cha" Cachapero and she had called out "Manual! Manual!" as if he were some kind of transmission. But maybe that is the way all men seem to Joanne, so hard is her heart.
 Back inside I had another idea. My drinks gone, I would take pictures of women leaving the men's room. The first was former performer/current AVN photographer Gia Jordan.
I am embarrassed to admit that I said something that made her respond thusly:
"All Gentiles think I'm Jewish."
"I'm sorry," I said. "So you're Italian?"
"Half."
"And what's the other half?"
"Pakistani."
I bet that courtship was fascinating. She showed me her shoes as she sat on the bar. I think she said they were Mario Rossis.
"Is that good?" I asked, feeling like I knew nothing anymore.
"Yes," she said. "I got them at Goodwill."
 Speaking of shoes, Aiden Starr was wearing Dana Dearmond's flip flops, and looked so small that, had she not just walked out of the men's bathroom, I would have popped her in my mouth and blew a bubble with her.
The Highlands was closing for the night. I had worn my wristband for about 15 minutes.
After some internal debate, I went to an afterparty and didn't regret it. I left this year's XRCOs secure in the belief that next year Pirates 2 will have won something.
See the gallery here.
Previously: XRCO afterparty blind items; XRCO voting: One patriot's story; XRCO night: A night to rememb; "Shut up, please"
See also: XRCOLabels: aiden starr, Ashlynn Brooke, awards, dana dearmond, events, flower tucci, gia jordan, jeff mullen, joanne cachapero, sophie dee, sunny lane, Tommy Gunn, xrco
posted by Gram the Man
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--Thursday, May 01, 2008--
Blind items: XRCO Awards afterparty
 Around 4 a.m. several L.A. police officers showed up. They were very courteous. I have never seen an L.A. cop over six feet tall, though. Anyway, they proceeded to a locked bathroom door and knocked on it politely.
"There was a report of an attempted suicide," one officer said, knocking. The door didn't open.
Blind Item 1: The bathroom door opens revealing the very person who always talks about having just fucked someone in the bathroom. The fuckee is in a towel and perfectly healthy physically.
A woman says, "That's one good way to get away from (name withheld); just tell the cops you're attempting suicide."
The police leave.
Blind Item 2: "I'm doing an anal scene with Catalina and right in the middle of it she sort of dreamily wanders away toward a lamp. She says, 'Oh, what a nice lamp!' all the while shitting all over the floor. People are looking at me like I'm supposed to do something about it. I'm like, 'I'm not the shit wrangler!' Eventually she wandered back."
Blind Item 3: "I must have jacked off to that picture of your shoe twenty times."
Blind Item 4: "Remember that Blind Item you did about Throat Gaggers?"
Me: "No."
Blind Item 5: "Did you see that girl with the sort of fried blonde hair? She was a little roomy - her tits were hanging out of her dress. She was wearing some kind of animal print dress - she looked like she just got off work at the Body Shop. Did you see her?"
Me: "No."
"I wanted to jump her so bad."
Previously: "Don't you know I have a child?"
See also: XRCOLabels: blind item, events, pornic voices, xrco
posted by Gram the Man
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